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when behavior does not match speech, pay attention to behavior.

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ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

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My dad always told me "believe what a man does, not what a man says."

I have found that to be some of the best advice I was ever given....by a man.

We could also get away from the gender stigma by saying "believe what someone does, not what someone says". I know many women that say one thing and do another. This isn't a gender issue, it's a human issue.

- LA

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Emerson said it first and best, "What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say."

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ORIGINAL: IronBear

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ORIGINAL: MsIncognito

I think you hit the bullseye, LadyAngelika. I met a "Dominant" that I really liked. The IM and phone conversations were great. We really clicked. He knew to say all the right things at exactly the right time. He had it all down pat - in his head. When the rubber hit the road it was more like this:

Him: Ready to go out to dinner?
Me: You bet, I'm starved.
Him: Where do you want to go?
Me: Hmmm, I'm not feeling particular, just about anything will do. (Note: I am the type of person who if I *am* feeling particular will just say "How about Thai food?")
Him: Well, give me an idea.
Me: I'm easy. You pick
Him: How can I pick if you won't give me an idea?
Me (getting rather annoyed): Because I don't care where we go. Pick whatever you want.

You get the idea. This type of thing happened all the bloody time in just about any imagineable situation. He was a classic example of saying one thing but doing something entirely different. How on earth am I supposed to submit to someone who can't even pick a restaurant? My motto is "I hear what you say, but I listen to what you do."

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ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
Darling, we dominant women go through that all the time. They start off by saying "I want to be devoted and obedient and cater to your every wish" and then when they don't get what they want, they bail.

And I'm sure this happens with all sorts of submissive/dominant combos on either side of the equation. I'm sure this happens in non-kinky relationships too.

This posts interests me in as much as I know people who are usually in control of themselves and things about them and yet at times are incapable of making basic decisions. Were the situations different, yes I have no doubt that they would take charge yet at times the basics are too much to decide on. Does this devalue them as a Dominant? In the eyes of some yes and those people would in all probability request or demand their Dominant’s ID card be returned. I’ve yet to met a person who is in absolute control (as far as it is possible) of themselves or their surrounding 100% of the time or who does not have that one “weak” chink in their controlling armour. From my point of view, and yes I am one of those who on occasions am incapable of making such decisions as to what we are going to eat other than saying with all pomp and circumstance an intelligible “Food!” I’ve been pondering on this and even discussed it with various professional friends after PTSD Conferences. It seems that people who have and still suffer from stress disorders are likely to do this more frequently because parts of the mental system shuts down when it perceives an overload. Mostly it occurs in not essential situations where the full cognisant abilities are required or due to the adrenaline rush under perceived life threatening situations. It matters where the mind recognises that the subject under discussion is not vital for the survival of the person, just decides to “Leave the building” leaving behind a somewhat bewildered and confused person who consciously has no idea how to come up with answers to what is being asked (Such as “What are we having for dinner”). I have developed a defence mechanism for this, which my family know well. All I’ll do when it appears that everything has got a tad too much is to tell Neets: I don’t have a decision in my brain right now. You make the decisions and let me relax, rest or sleep.” Usually after I’ve had some RnR I’m ok for the next period of time…. Sometimes you just have to shut down or shatter.

Taking the thread heading, I’m used to the situation of “Do as I say and not as I do.” Life isn’t an even playing field and just sometimes some one in a leadership position, through training or experience is able to do something different and have others doing exactly what he or she has instructed them to do even if it is the opposite of what they (the leader) does.