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Does anybody have an idea how i can get my wife - 11/29/2005 2:01:28 PM   
helenaMTsub


Posts: 2
Joined: 11/29/2005
Status: offline 		to dominate me ?

i have very strong submissive feelings towards my wife. She is a pretty dominant person, but expresses no interest in the lifestyle. She tells me what to do around the house, she pretty much manages our finances. i would love for her to completely control my life. i've read some of the sites like "Real women don't do housework" and Elise Sutton's page. i've sent my wife anonymous emails with links to those pages, but she never looked at them. i'm afraid to ask her openly about submitting to her...any ideas are appreciated.

thanks a bunch !

h.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Does anybody have an idea how i can get my wife - 11/29/2005 2:05:26 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

i would love for her to completely control my life.


That's pretty unrealistic.

What you have to do is get it out of your headspace that you want her to dominate you and start thinking how you can be devoted to her.

- LA

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(in reply to helenaMTsub)
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RE: Does anybody have an idea how i can get my wife - 11/29/2005 2:39:27 PM   
jamesthehumanrug


Posts: 668
Joined: 10/21/2005
Status: offline 		greetings helena mt sub
i dont know.
i had to leave a vanilla going out of my mind wasted in her space.
i think if you care; you'd try to find a marraige counselor mainly, for her ,in the feminist culture ;advertized ,as such, and ,explain yourself alone, to the counselor first ,and, say:
.... or we will have no sexual intimate lifestyle; we will grow stagnant ,and, drift apart, and, i will do her wrong ....can you explain ,to her (my wife,for me)woman, to woman
what i want ,to give, to her...
otherwise....you can't say you tried, to give her a fair chance, and,no-one can say you did it for sole gratification purposes,or that you really did'nt try cause you wanted to be able toconsider and serve your wife first ,but you thought you'd try ;none the less....make it clear she has her own preferences you have ,to know ,if she is willing,or wants such a relationship ,to flourish,with you ,or you can brake up amicably ;giving her what she prefers....
you want ,no demands ,or force ,or pressure ,on her,to perform cause ;you don't need a top female ,that is phoney,when the real thing is ,out there ;unmet ,yet....mention: you even pay, for such a feminist-female-counselor, in the hopes you can bring your wife ,in .
....
otherwise, too ....
there is a "munch"
i think it is a gathering where you can socialize ,around talking, of mutual experiences ,and ,your wife doing some ,but, not complete domination ;is certainly a topic ,that can be, brought up.
i recall: what a" munch" is ,from volunteering ,as staff, at the anual fetish- flee market, in massachusetts called : newengland leather association.
nelaonline.org
i was already established ,and, i could say look: i'm a "slave" ,and,you don't know how ,to treat me like one,so i'm sorry,but,i'm ,not happy;it's all one way,so i'm gone;i tried,to be sincere.

< Message edited by jamesthehumanrug -- 11/29/2005 2:50:39 PM >

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RE: Does anybody have an idea how i can get my wife - 11/29/2005 2:54:59 PM   
Jasmyn


Posts: 1234
Joined: 2/6/2004
From: New Zealand
Status: offline 		Why unrealistic?

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RE: Does anybody have an idea how i can get my wife - 11/29/2005 2:58:15 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jasmyn

Why unrealistic?


Because this guy wants to go from zero to total control. Every journey starts with one step. I think that setting unrealistic expectations such as total control when the woman isn't even interested in looking at FemmeDomme literature is a stretch.

Also unrealistic because, as I mentioned, he is going about it all the wrong way. Submission and devotion are about action.

- LA

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RE: Does anybody have an idea how i can get my wife - 11/29/2005 3:05:14 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: helenaMTsub

to dominate me ?

i have very strong submissive feelings towards my wife. She is a pretty dominant person, but expresses no interest in the lifestyle. She tells me what to do around the house, she pretty much manages our finances. i would love for her to completely control my life. i've read some of the sites like "Real women don't do housework" and Elise Sutton's page. i've sent my wife anonymous emails with links to those pages, but she never looked at them. i'm afraid to ask her openly about submitting to her...any ideas are appreciated.

thanks a bunch !

h.


So what's in it for her?

You are hoping she will take 'complete control of your life' (that is a huge job, a tall order) -- what will she get out of it? Why would she enjoy it? What would make it fun, and not work? What would make it entertaining, arousing, interesting -- and not just an 'obligation'?

Akasha

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Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to helenaMTsub)
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RE: Does anybody have an idea how i can get my wife - 11/29/2005 4:20:26 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I tried to do a TPE relationship and discovered that I didn't want that level of responsibility for someone that I haven't given birth to. Besides being a tremendous amount of work, the total division made us too separate.

What exactly is it that you want your wife to do? Is your devotion to her diminished because she isn't teetering around in stiletto heels and a garter belt? Why, indeed, does SHE have to do anything? If you are devoted to her, you will display it with your service to her, and your support of her in all realms of your relationship.

Pardon me if I sound somewhat jaded; I have had this discussion so many times over the years.... First let me say that I am not a fan of Elise Sutton. What I want from my man is what *I* want, not some notion of pleasing him through orgasm control, or my having to be some archetypal ideal.

Each woman is different, and has her own specific expectations. Ask her how you can be the best possible life partner for her. You are there to make her life easier, not more complicated.

Ms Francine

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RE: Does anybody have an idea how i can get my wife - 11/29/2005 5:17:08 PM   
MsEmily


Posts: 53
Joined: 10/27/2005
Status: offline 		If you want to submit to her, go to her on your knees, kiss her feet, tell her that you worship her, tell her that you wish to serve her, tell her that your heart and all that you are belongs to her. Tell her what's inside you, your heart. Try to communicate with her, your fantasies. dont bombard her with everything at once, but try to talk to her about some things, buy her some books. that might help....

it's important to start small... maybe you guys can talk about a chastity device. (cb3000 is awesome)

good luck

< Message edited by MsEmily -- 11/29/2005 5:21:02 PM >

(in reply to jamesthehumanrug)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Does anybody have an idea how i can get my wife - 11/29/2005 5:22:59 PM   
onceburned


Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
he is going about it all the wrong way. Submission and devotion are about action.


Yes, he should not expect to to be the passive recipient of his wife's domination, but should be trying to subordinate himself to her. Cater to her desires. Keep thinking, throughout the day, about what might please her. Put her wants before yours.

Make today better for her.

And do the same tomorrow. And the next day. And the next. If she notices a change, then you are doing it right. If she asks for an explanation don't spill out all your hot sexual fantasies... just explain that you are trying to make her happy. Let her get comfortable being in the lead role.

I think that is the first step.


(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Does anybody have an idea how i can get my wife - 11/29/2005 5:37:00 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		This instant gratification thing just queers me........

Ja, I do.

I am being a smartass, but it follows from the question you ask.

Come home drunk, and loud about 3 am. Haul her ass outta bed, tell her to cook you something, and piss on her leg when she starts back talking you........

That will solve it for the night, but doesn't do anything for long term relations. I suspect you will see a side of her that may constitute dominion.

Other than that, perhaps (and without rancor or preaching or overloading), introduce the concept, consider her values, hopes, dreams and desires.......and see if there is any oneness between you in this venture......

Ron

while I can still edit: There ain't no lifestyle. Better homes and gardens has lifestyle. That's me.



< Message edited by mnottertail -- 11/29/2005 5:38:51 PM >

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RE: Does anybody have an idea how i can get my wife - 11/30/2005 4:26:18 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Be patient, Ron, soon there will be a glossy magazine, and we will have lifestyle too!

:)F

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RE: Does anybody have an idea how i can get my wife - 11/30/2005 10:02:48 AM   
helenaMTsub


Posts: 2
Joined: 11/29/2005
Status: offline 		Thanks a bunch for all the answers...

there might be a misunderstanding here...maybe i used the wrong words. i'm not looking for instant gratification, but merely for some suggestions how i could slowly bring up the subject without her being completely put off by it. i'm already being a very devoted husband...at least most of the time. i would just like her to 'know' that i'm being submissive to her and acknowledge the fact. i don't need her to "totally control my life" like i stated earlier, but i want her to be in control of most aspects of it. Again, thanks for all the suggestions.

Warm Regards.

h.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
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RE: Does anybody have an idea how i can get my wife - 11/30/2005 10:15:18 AM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: helenaMTsub

Thanks a bunch for all the answers...

there might be a misunderstanding here...maybe i used the wrong words. i'm not looking for instant gratification, but merely for some suggestions how i could slowly bring up the subject without her being completely put off by it. i'm already being a very devoted husband...at least most of the time. i would just like her to 'know' that i'm being submissive to her and acknowledge the fact. i don't need her to "totally control my life" like i stated earlier, but i want her to be in control of most aspects of it. Again, thanks for all the suggestions.

Warm Regards.

h.


Women are put off by stereotypes of "dominatrixes" and "submissive men" (ie, lowly worms, guys in gimp masks and men crawling around acting silly). If you bring it up in the context of 'sadomasochism' you might get a cold reaction or one like, "That stuff is sick," and "You don't actually expect me to hurt you, do you?"

I've written a lot of articles for women that show them that femdom isn't about whips and chains, cheesy outfits and goofy roleplay. I've shown them that it can be exciting, erotic and rewarding. My argument is that MOST women enjoy some aspects of male submission (in the right context) -- the excitement of a man in bondage and his "struggle," the feeling of power that comes with knowing that a man is melting by looking at you (what woman doesn't want to feel like the sexiest, best dressed lady in a room, knowing her man is dying that he can't touch her right then?), and the fulfillment that comes with seeing a man be *vulnerable* in a sexy way.

Many women grow up playing games to make men jump through hoops or become vulnerable to "prove" themselves to her. Women naturally "get off" on these games -- just look at high school as a learning ground. There is some satisfaction that comes from having control over a man. The area that this all falls apart is when you see the stereotypes in male porn -- this stuff TURNS OFF women. Things like catsuits, whips, women being BITCHY and commanding, and most of all -- men behaving like an embarrassment. Women do NOT want to imagine their man crawling around and whimpering like an idiot.

Lots of women have learned to embrace the idea of female domination by first and foremost having a man that does NOT pressure them. He puts away the toys, stops leaving "hints" on email or giving her "gifts" like a paddle, a pair of thigh high boots or a ballgag. Instead, he lets her learn and grow at her own pace. She starts with the first goal: Developing a foundation to ENJOY the idea of being in control. This is NOT her "guessing at what he wants done then going through the actions and trying to get it over with as soon as possible." This is her actually embracing it and trying it on her terms -- no toys, no set ups, no expectations. I list out the steps in plain english on my site.

I had to make my site a pay site recently, but if the OP wants to email me privately on here I will give him a free trial period that will give him enough time to read the section for women. I think it might help.

Best of luck,
Akasha

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Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to helenaMTsub)
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RE: Does anybody have an idea how i can get my wife - 11/30/2005 10:39:53 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: helenaMTsub

Thanks a bunch for all the answers...

there might be a misunderstanding here...maybe i used the wrong words. i'm not looking for instant gratification, but merely for some suggestions how i could slowly bring up the subject without her being completely put off by it. i'm already being a very devoted husband...at least most of the time. i would just like her to 'know' that i'm being submissive to her and acknowledge the fact. i don't need her to "totally control my life" like i stated earlier, but i want her to be in control of most aspects of it. Again, thanks for all the suggestions.

Warm Regards.

h.


If you talk to her and she isn't interested in acknowledging that you have a power dynamic there isn't much you can do about it other than what AAkasha suggests.

I've seen many couples where I can see a clear power dynamic but those folks are appalled at the suggestion.

It sounds like you have a wife whom you can serve but the question is, can you do that for her simple "thanks hon" or hugs or do you need the kinky terms?


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Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to helenaMTsub)
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RE: Does anybody have an idea how i can get my wife - 11/30/2005 2:16:30 PM   
LadyCompassion


Posts: 87
Joined: 11/4/2005
Status: offline
quote:

to dominate me ?

i have very strong submissive feelings towards my wife. She is a pretty dominant person, but expresses no interest in the lifestyle. She tells me what to do around the house, she pretty much manages our finances. i would love for her to completely control my life. i've read some of the sites like "Real women don't do housework" and Elise Sutton's page. i've sent my wife anonymous emails with links to those pages, but she never looked at them. i'm afraid to ask her openly about submitting to her...any ideas are appreciated.


Let me say that I have experienced this first hand. My fiance wanted this from me. Lucky for him, I was more than receptive and I also had an interest in the lifestyle.

First of all please be honest with her and do not hide who you are from her. Either she will accept your wishes or she will not.

Don't expect her to be an expert right off the bat if she does accept your idea. You potentially have had time to look into things and learn about things, while she more than likely would not have had that.

You say you want her to completely control your life....does that mean that you are in essence her "child"? Do you feel that this is a privledge for her or do you see it as a privledge for you? This would place an extreme amount of responsibilty on her. Think about that.

But most of all...be honest, be open, and be ready to accept her answers.

(in reply to helenaMTsub)
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RE: Does anybody have an idea how i can get my wife - 12/21/2005 10:42:45 PM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline
> i've sent my wife anonymous emails with links to those pages, but she never looked at them.<

O, that is too funny. I actually think you had a very clever idea. I personally think one's orientation is inbred, genetic, or otherwise hard wired. I'm skeptical one could be socialized, asked, or persuaded to be dominant or submissive. My wife is vanilla, if not completely victorian. The best she's been able to do for me and my submissive side is to allow me to seek something outside our marriage. Of course my orientation is not particularly great for her either.

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RE: Does anybody have an idea how i can get my wife - 12/21/2005 11:38:12 PM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline
>Women are put off by stereotypes of "dominatrixes" and "submissive men" (ie, lowly worms, guys in gimp masks and men crawling around acting silly). If you bring it up in the context of 'sadomasochism' you might get a cold reaction or one like, "That stuff is sick," and "You don't actually expect me to hurt you, do you?"

I've written a lot of articles for women that show them that femdom isn't about whips and chains, cheesy outfits and goofy roleplay.<

In your counceling of otherwise vanilla Ladies, how many have actually crossed over to the dark side?

Is not the project of "conversion" something like trying to convince someone they actually do like Broccoli?

I do think your suggestion of making d/s more a game that actual S&M practise is a good one, but will such baby steps lead one into becoming some sort of real DOM? I am skeptical.

(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Does anybody have an idea how i can get my wife - 12/24/2005 12:34:14 PM   
TexasMaam


Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy


> i've sent my wife anonymous emails with links to those pages, but she never looked at them.<

O, that is too funny. I actually think you had a very clever idea. I personally think one's orientation is inbred, genetic, or otherwise hard wired. I'm skeptical one could be socialized, asked, or persuaded to be dominant or submissive. My wife is vanilla, if not completely victorian. The best she's been able to do for me and my submissive side is to allow me to seek something outside our marriage. Of course my orientation is not particularly great for her either.


I respectfully disagree.

I believe that Dominant tendencies can be formed from an unobtrusive foundation, then successively built upon.

For example: Does the wife in question become aroused by waking cloudboy up in the middle of the night, gently kissing his back, covering him with kisses, turning him towards her so that he is face up on the bed, continuing her kisses until she tops him and rides him until SHE is sexually satisfied before she cums and finally tells him to cum with her? If so, cloudboy has a firm personality trait to use as a foundation to start from.

Does cloudboy draw her a bubble bath, warm some towels in the dryer, lead her to the tub, bathe her from head to toe, volunteer to shave her legs if she'll allow it? Does he shampoo her hair, dry it, and lead her to the bed while she's still damp and warm to place his head on her lap or ask her to hold him in her arms? If so, he has a very good chance to develop that into something much more.

If she responds to these "Lady, You're the Love of My Life" scenarios in a positive way, Lady Angelika's advice would be well taken. To draw out the Domme in his wife, cloudboy needs to learn to treat Her like the Queen he hopes she can be. It is her response to becoming his Queen that will develop into what he dreams of.

There are several sites, Aakasha's has some tips on Hers but there are others out there also, that offer teaching a wife to become a Domme. Sending her anonymous emails, while clever and better than nothing, is simply too vague an approach. You'll have to use more direct, hands on tactics like those cited above, to begin with.

You just might be faced with a woman who wants her partner to be the 'Manly' sort of aggressive alpha male she seems to want in bed. Yet, if she commandeers you about the house I suspect she would enjoy that in other areas of your lives, as well.

There's a very simple little book that actually works rather well to introduce a wife to female Domination. "Welts; Female Domination in an American Marriage" by Gloria and Dave Wallace. Read the book, and take a mild excerpt from it, making a short story out of it, to read to your wife, cloudboy.

You might try the bath boy scenario above, then when she's dry and you've tucked her into bed, ask her if you could share something that has been a deep fantasy of yours for a long time. Then read her your excerpt or short shtory, carefully, and sensitively, watching for any sign of rejection. When she balks, stop immediately, and apologize, letting her know that you're intent was not to go somewhere 'kinky' or do anything that would insult her, only that you've dreamt of some of those activities with her for a very long time.

Even if she dismisses the idea out of hand, the suggestion will remain in her mind. Ask her about it again after a month or so. Don't be surprised if at some point she asks YOU about it, instead. If and when that happens, it's the time to be completely honest about some of your fantasies. Beg her to help you live those fantasies. Chances are she won't object to trying out one of your "Domination" fantasies; and that's how you begin. Baby steps.

You have two great risks, cloudboy.
1. You could lose her, or lose her respect and damage your marriage. Calculate beforehand whether your longings are worth that risk.
2. You might create a real Domina. Be careful what you wish for.

Remember: a loving and solicitous approach with her, then baby steps.

Either way, good luck to you.

TM

(in reply to cloudboy)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Does anybody have an idea how i can get my wife - 12/24/2005 2:15:19 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy


>Women are put off by stereotypes of "dominatrixes" and "submissive men" (ie, lowly worms, guys in gimp masks and men crawling around acting silly). If you bring it up in the context of 'sadomasochism' you might get a cold reaction or one like, "That stuff is sick," and "You don't actually expect me to hurt you, do you?"

I've written a lot of articles for women that show them that femdom isn't about whips and chains, cheesy outfits and goofy roleplay.<

In your counceling of otherwise vanilla Ladies, how many have actually crossed over to the dark side?

Is not the project of "conversion" something like trying to convince someone they actually do like Broccoli?

I do think your suggestion of making d/s more a game that actual S&M practise is a good one, but will such baby steps lead one into becoming some sort of real DOM? I am skeptical.


I have received dozens of emails from "vanilla" women that used to hate the thought of doing any kind of bdsm and are now exploring and enjoying it with their husband. The problem is when you start using ideals like a "REAL DOM".

What is a "real dom"? Is it a woman that is constantly "on" and in femdom mode? She is relentless, she micromanages you, she controls your cock completely, she is insatiable in bed, she keeps you on your toes constantly, she never gives a mundane order without spicing it up with something nasty?

No, you won't get your "real DOM" if that's what you want -- because it does not exist. It's an ideal portrayed in male porn, written for men and produced by men FOR men. A real "femdom" balances her natural desire for control with her own personality and her comfort levels.

What you *will* get is a woman that actually responds favorably to acts that she used to either NOT do, or do while thinking in her head "oh god not THIS again, this is so lame, I hate this, I wish he didn't ask for this stuff." You will get a woman that gets a rush from having some erotic control. You will get a woman that can find something playful and rewarding in giving commands and seeing her man obey. She will start to get rid of the bad stereotypes in her head about what a "submissive man" is and start to appreciate these qualities: devotion, bravery, surrender, sacrifice.

How far she is willing to take that depends on her own personality as well as his willingness to drop his expectations and instead embrace the most important thing of all: She is doing it because she enjoys it, not doing it to get him off her back.

Akasha

_____________________________

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Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to cloudboy)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Does anybody have an idea how i can get my wife - 12/24/2005 9:12:34 PM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline
First, let me say this is a rather excellent post. It is thought provoking and detailed. I clearly must agree with you that the suggestions you have made are far superior then the surreptitious email gambit. The problem in your whole suggestion to me, though, is me. I really do not like manipulating people to get what I want. I like people to be who they are. So, this is sticking point #1, not that what you have suggested is "manipulation" per se.

Sticking point #2 is that I don't want my wife to dominate me. That would just never work between us.

You then write,

>You have two great risks, cloudboy.
1. You could lose her, or lose her respect and damage your marriage. Calculate beforehand whether your longings are worth that risk.
2. You might create a real Domina. Be careful what you wish for. <

O, she knows about my desire for S&M, and she has clearly rejected it. She has no interest in it at all. She's found old pics of me cross dressed (something I used to be into), letters I've written to DOMs, and now she knows I have a Mistress. So, I'm well past the line of disclosure risks. The main connection my wife and I share is friendship, history, intellectual compatibility, and very congruous temperments.

A conversion tack as the one you suggested, I could maybe see playing with someone more early on in a relationship, but my wife and I now have almost 18 years of history between us. Needless to say, we are in quite a different spot.

Here, though, is what I think argues strongly against your view that F's can be converted to domination. Being a DOM is very empowering and it has a plethora of advantages, yet as a rule, most women do not gravitate towards the role. I know I don't gravitate towards the role because it doesn't suit who I am, although I think I have some capability for switching, and I am developing some facination to experience what it would be like to spank someone else. So, I remain skeptical, but you have opened my mind some.

Anyway, I knew what I was at a very, very early age. My Mistress was the same, she knew who she was at an early, early age. I like it best when people are in their natural roles, being what they always wanted to be. God does that make it really, really, really good when you can combine these two synergies.

I loved your response. It was more than inciteful.

--cloudboy

P.S. You can disagree with me anytime.

(in reply to TexasMaam)
Profile   Post #: 20
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