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Dom/Domme addiction/withdrawal? - 9/17/2008 3:31:49 PM

MischiefSF

Posts: 17
Joined: 11/4/2005
Status: offline

Have any of you felt addicted to your Dom/Domme? I am having an experience where I was dating and in nearly constant contact with a Domme (as in communicating every single day) whom I felt incredibly close to when all of a sudden she put on the brakes and asked for time and space, completely cutting off all contact. She has given me no information regarding why she needs space and I have felt abandoned and in withdrawal from her.

Ring a bell for anyone? If so, what did you do?

Post #: 1

RE: Dom/Domme addiction/withdrawal? - 9/17/2008 3:55:43 PM

natasha66

Posts: 321
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: NJ
Status: offline

Damn does that ever ring a bell! Not a good feeling. After not hearing from him for a year, when he decided to get in contact with me, i STUPIDLY went back to him. i don't recommend doing that. By the way, i am no longer with that dominant (after finally seeing him for the manipulative bastard he was) and am happy as a clam with my new Master. Only you can decide what to do, though....good luck.

_____________________________

"If you bother me again I shall visit you in the small hours of the night and put a bat up your nightdress".
~Basil Fawlty

Collared June 4th, 2008
Love is giving him the power to destroy you, but trusting him not to.

(in reply to MischiefSF)

Post #: 2

RE: Dom/Domme addiction/withdrawal? - 9/17/2008 4:05:38 PM

PainPup2

Posts: 12
Joined: 7/13/2008
Status: offline

yea i know the feeling quite well ...try staying in contact with Your Domme and thinking all is good in the world when all of a sudden you fine out by reading her profile that she has found someone else and didnt bother telling you about it at all and to make it all worse she tries blaming me ..telling me that i've shown my true colars by saying that she was chicken shit for not being woman enough to tell me and leave me hanging for weeks. i'm going thru that withdrawl feeling my self and feeling like shit because of it

(in reply to natasha66)

Post #: 3

RE: Dom/Domme addiction/withdrawal? - 9/17/2008 4:14:05 PM

hopelessfool

Posts: 988
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

No, I do my best not to get attached until Im sure its safe to do as such. Saves on the disappointment. All feelings on hold until after two meet. Then the full "He just stopped talking to me, he needs space" doesnt happen, because after two meets they know if they want you around or not.

I think most of its boredom, when Im not working or have downtime I chat and snuggle an awful lot more then when busy. When working and I have 5 hours of free time a day that 5 hours goes to whats important.

_____________________________

" I have nothing left to give, I have found the perfect end, You remain to make it hurt, disappear in to the dirt, carry me to heavens arms.....Dear Agony Just let go of me, suffer slowly, is this the way its gotta be, Dear Agony...."

(in reply to PainPup2)

Post #: 4

RE: Dom/Domme addiction/withdrawal? - 9/17/2008 4:27:19 PM

MischiefSF

Posts: 17
Joined: 11/4/2005
Status: offline

How does one ever really know when it is safe or not to get attached? This person and I had spent time together way more than twice and I felt incredibly open, safe, and comfortable.

(in reply to hopelessfool)

Post #: 5

RE: Dom/Domme addiction/withdrawal? - 9/17/2008 4:31:07 PM

monywildcat

Posts: 452
Joined: 2/26/2008
Status: offline

I am familiar with what you are experiencing, to a degree, however this was not in result in loss of contact due to dom/domme dropping off the face of the planet. After spending lots and lots of time with Daddy, and he suddenly disappears, I am left feeling lost, lonely, depressed, blue, etc. Usually there is a valid reason for this, that may not be immediately apparent but comes to light shortly. Such as last winter's bout with the flu, no contact, no phone calls, nothing. Turns out it was rather hard to pick up the phone when one is shivering from fever, wracked with heaving and vomiting, and sleeping the rest of the time. At the moment, lack of contact can be blamed by increased hours at work. Still doesn't eliminate the blues on my end entirely though. I cope by reading voraciously, connecting with friends to have girly time, cleaning, washing/detailing my truck.

I am sorry to hear that your Domme seems to have dropped you like a bad habit. I am familiar with this as well, and man does that sting. Employing the same coping skills and taking naps helped.

Btw, OP nice pic! The colors caught my eye. Best of luck to you!

_____________________________

Major Life Change Necessitates Personal Reinvention...

(in reply to PainPup2)

Post #: 6

RE: Dom/Domme addiction/withdrawal? - 9/17/2008 4:35:04 PM

natasha66

Posts: 321
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: NJ
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MischiefSF

How does one ever really know when it is safe or not to get attached? This person and I had spent time together way more than twice and I felt incredibly open, safe, and comfortable.

Short answer: you don't. Relationships are a risk. Only you know if it's worth taking. For me, moving on was a risk i had to take, and i am SO glad i did. But it sure as hell didn't happen overnight and was not without a whole lot of emotional pain.....

_____________________________

"If you bother me again I shall visit you in the small hours of the night and put a bat up your nightdress".
~Basil Fawlty

Collared June 4th, 2008
Love is giving him the power to destroy you, but trusting him not to.

(in reply to MischiefSF)

Post #: 7

RE: Dom/Domme addiction/withdrawal? - 9/17/2008 4:38:38 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

Sorry, I see no excuse for no contact unless they're in a coma. Takes 30 seconds to call and say "I'm very sick". Okay, 10 seconds.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to monywildcat)

Post #: 8

RE: Dom/Domme addiction/withdrawal? - 9/17/2008 4:38:46 PM

MischiefSF

Posts: 17
Joined: 11/4/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: monywildcat

Btw, OP nice pic! The colors caught my eye. Best of luck to you!

Thanks! That's my old apartment.

I'm both happy and sad to find peeps who have had this same experience. It is nice because I feel less alone. At the same time it is a bummer that people don't have better communication skills. As far as I am concerned D/s is pretty intense and should not be taken lightly. I think that there should be some responsibility on a Dominant's part to protect their sub even if they are ending things.

(in reply to monywildcat)

Post #: 9

RE: Dom/Domme addiction/withdrawal? - 9/17/2008 4:40:09 PM

MischiefSF

Posts: 17
Joined: 11/4/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: natasha66

quote:

ORIGINAL: MischiefSF

How does one ever really know when it is safe or not to get attached? This person and I had spent time together way more than twice and I felt incredibly open, safe, and comfortable.

Short answer: you don't. Relationships are a risk. Only you know if it's worth taking. For me, moving on was a risk i had to take, and i am SO glad i did. But it sure as hell didn't happen overnight and was not without a whole lot of emotional pain.....

Agreed, the question was a bit rhetorical but I would answer the same way

(in reply to natasha66)

Post #: 10

RE: Dom/Domme addiction/withdrawal? - 9/17/2008 5:33:08 PM

shiazn03

Posts: 90
Joined: 11/13/2007
Status: offline

the addictions and going through withdrawals definitely ring a bell for me, lol!

yea, i'm close to a couple friend (M/s) and very much addicted to being with them. it's unfair that your Domme suddenly cut off contacts with you cold turkey. i find that weening myself off them is the best method. but since that option is unavailable for you, i'd say keep busy. keeping busy with ANYTHING helped me when i quit spending time with them cold turkey for a month or so. hm...find some good friends for support. that helped me a whole bunch too.

if all else fail and nothing is helping, just try and ask her what the deal is. tell her how you feel and what you're going through to listen to her demands. hope this helps!

peace out, all!

(in reply to MischiefSF)

Post #: 11

RE: Dom/Domme addiction/withdrawal? - 9/17/2008 5:33:25 PM

persephonee

Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline

im all over the place in this regard. i set up a group dynamic on purpose to avoid intense feelings that come about prematurely and yet, i give so much of my emotional self to any time spent with them that i sometimes cant help but feel addicted to or in love with one or both of them at any given time. Usually this is solved over the course of the next few days...one or both will invariably annoy me and whoosh...addiction cured...crap...now they both read my posts and i need to keep that in mind.

What i meant to say is this...i feel close to my partners as is only appropriate. i am certainly not addicted to any of them. Ever. Nope. Not me.

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to MischiefSF)

Post #: 12

RE: Dom/Domme addiction/withdrawal? - 9/17/2008 5:40:41 PM

monywildcat

Posts: 452
Joined: 2/26/2008
Status: offline

I agree Cali, it takes mere seconds to shoot a quick text (my favorite way to quickly communicate with kids/dogs/loud music going in the background) to let me know "hey I'm not dead, and I don't hate you". We had a discussion on this; tears, hugs, and laughs ensued and this has not been an issue since.

On an interesting side note, you would have thought the poor guy was in a coma, as sick as he was! Men can be so delightedly dramatic when they are sick.

_____________________________

Major Life Change Necessitates Personal Reinvention...

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 13

RE: Dom/Domme addiction/withdrawal? - 9/17/2008 7:47:10 PM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline

It is a painful thing even for a couple of days. It was particularly difficult because I was attempting a task for him that was something I really did not think I could handle. I had expressed this to him, but he was not aware I was working on it at that particular time. He had been so sick he couldn't sit up. I had him killed in a wreck or in the hospital or something. Not fun at all!

Now, for the cooling off thing. It is odd that folks are automatically assuming it is ill intended. The intensity level may be something she is having trouble handling. Should she be able to express this to you? Yes. May she have trouble doing so? Yes. She is only human. Is there still the possibility you are being blown off? Yes. Keep busy. Take some time to get a more objective perspective on a relationship that has been over the top for some time now. Make decisions that are right for you.

lovingpet

(in reply to monywildcat)

Post #: 14

RE: Dom/Domme addiction/withdrawal? - 9/17/2008 10:39:17 PM

ApathyRomance

Posts: 106
Joined: 4/2/2008
Status: offline

I don't think this feeling is exclusive to bdsm relationships . . . . it's just called being clingy in vanilla terms.

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 15

RE: Dom/Domme addiction/withdrawal? - 9/17/2008 11:57:32 PM

littlebitxxx

Posts: 732
Status: offline

Addictions in whatever fashion are unhealthy. Emotional addictions are psychologically damaging. Dependent and co-dependent relationships tend to be the worst and I've found (personal opinion only) more of them within the lifestyle than without. Where the sub just can't live without a Master, a Dom just can't be happy without a sub. When neediness becomes overwhelming, addictions can form and emotional masochism may result. Really, if that's all one knows then it becomes their comfort zone.

Only my opinion.

_____________________________

There is no such thing as can't unless it is followed by yet

It is the meaningless little acts that become meaningful in the doing.

The people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind.

(in reply to ApathyRomance)

Post #: 16

RE: Dom/Domme addiction/withdrawal? - 9/18/2008 3:21:06 AM

hopelessfool

Posts: 988
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: monywildcat

I am familiar with what you are experiencing, to a degree, however this was not in result in loss of contact due to dom/domme dropping off the face of the planet. After spending lots and lots of time with Daddy, and he suddenly disappears, I am left feeling lost, lonely, depressed, blue, etc. Usually there is a valid reason for this, that may not be immediately apparent but comes to light shortly. Such as last winter's bout with the flu, no contact, no phone calls, nothing. Turns out it was rather hard to pick up the phone when one is shivering from fever, wracked with heaving and vomiting, and sleeping the rest of the time. At the moment, lack of contact can be blamed by increased hours at work. Still doesn't eliminate the blues on my end entirely though. I cope by reading voraciously, connecting with friends to have girly time, cleaning, washing/detailing my truck.

I am sorry to hear that your Domme seems to have dropped you like a bad habit. I am familiar with this as well, and man does that sting. Employing the same coping skills and taking naps helped.

Btw, OP nice pic! The colors caught my eye. Best of luck to you!

Theres 5 minutes in near every day or every othere day where someone takes a crap. There are multiple couple of minutes every day. No matter what theres no excuse for no contact. Less then ususal contact? Yes. None, No. For example, If Its important to me, I set aside time for it, no matter what, something else comes up, I decide which is more important and change it accordingly. I had an ex who played the "im to busy at work card" Here its because he was married. No ones ever "that busy" at work. I know people who work near 120 hours a week still find time to shoot me a call to ask if im okay. If they can do it and not be my owner. My owner better damn Well do as such.

_____________________________

" I have nothing left to give, I have found the perfect end, You remain to make it hurt, disappear in to the dirt, carry me to heavens arms.....Dear Agony Just let go of me, suffer slowly, is this the way its gotta be, Dear Agony...."

(in reply to monywildcat)

Post #: 17

RE: Dom/Domme addiction/withdrawal? - 9/18/2008 4:23:37 AM

trisket

Posts: 15
Joined: 5/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlebitxxx

Addictions in whatever fashion are unhealthy. Emotional addictions are psychologically damaging. Dependent and co-dependent relationships tend to be the worst and I've found (personal opinion only) more of them within the lifestyle than without. Where the sub just can't live without a Master, a Dom just can't be happy without a sub. When neediness becomes overwhelming, addictions can form and emotional masochism may result. Really, if that's all one knows then it becomes their comfort zone.

Only my opinion.

This, I 100% agree with and have experienced it firsthand. You can call it obssessivley wishing to serve, call it addicted to the Dominant, call it massively craving the attention. It is all the same thing.. no matter which angle you choose to see it from. It is all needy and very much psychologically damaging. I dont feel this is at all exclusive to D/s relationships either. It can happen with young teenage love, it can happen to the divorcee that has finally taken that major step and decided to love again.. it can happen to a 70 year old widow that is trying to restart their life after a lifelong partner has passed away. No age or experience level is exempt from being susceptible to this "addict" feeling. It is however, a feeling that needs to be identified and addressed. If not, then littlebitxxx is absolutely correct, emotional masochism can occur. This does grow into a pattern which does nothing more than heighten the need to continually feel the same "addicted" feeling. The remedy? My remedy is dedication. My mantra and creed became - Dedicate the Day. If your so devoted and enthralled in the relationship, and the Dominant - for WHATEVER the reason has taken leave.. there is nothing you can personally do about that Dominants actions. You cant change them.. you cant demand explaination. Submission goes against doing so. The only thing you can do is manage your reaction to the disapperance. Dedicate the Day.. as if the person were still present with you. Live your life, spend your time as they would expect you too. Conduct yourself with personal pride in the fact that even in their absence... you are something to be proud of. It is during these times.. when things arent the easiest.. when we see just how submissive, trained and devoted we truly are. THIS is where you discover your worth. Shine during these "addictive" times. Dont wallow in spoiled antics and self pity. Remember that sometimes submission isnt easy and we, as submissives thrive most during these difficult times. It makes us better. Mantra: Dedicate the Day.

(in reply to littlebitxxx)

Post #: 18

RE: Dom/Domme addiction/withdrawal? - 9/18/2008 3:30:31 PM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

I love being with my Master and i would be horibilly hurt if he ever did what your Domme did to you . Addiction is a strong word. I love him like crazy and love to be with him. I miss him so much when he goes away on business, but i don't obsess about it because i know i will see him on his return.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to trisket)

Post #: 19

RE: Dom/Domme addiction/withdrawal? - 9/20/2008 7:09:18 PM

greeneyedreamer

Posts: 442
Joined: 6/20/2007
Status: offline

I had a similar problem also. It sucks. He won't come back and has moved on I imagine, I am doing my best too. Met a new Dom who may be the best thing for me ever. Time will tell....but it was hard in the beginning. and he never said BYE or why... Made me nuts... Dreamer

_____________________________

Dreamer, owned and ecstatically happy

I am still learning... Michelangelo, age 87

Maybe some women weren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they are suppose to run wild until they find someone just as wild to run with. Sex and the City

(in reply to littleone35)

Post #: 20

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