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appropriate cyper chat - 9/17/2008 6:47:49 PM   
goodgirlslave


Posts: 15
Joined: 6/13/2007
Status: offline 		Masters, i am new and looking to meet a Dom man.  in my correspondence i find i am asked personal questions about sexual acts i am willing to perform.  it seems inappropriate to be asked things such as this by persons i never met.  i am not at all interested in discussing those things, which, frankly i can't even determine in a vacuum without a Dom.  but is not that i don't know the answer, as much as i think it inappropriate to discuss with a cyber person who may not even be real.  so, i find myself refusing to answer such questions.  do you consider this disrespectful?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: appropriate cyper chat - 9/17/2008 7:02:11 PM   
JessieMe


Posts: 510
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline 		You are under no obligation to give anything to anyone until and unless you have agreed to a power exchange relationship. You will be told many things by many people who are looking for a quick cheap thrill but keep that one basic tenent in mind.

Until you have chosen to submit..you owe no one anything you are not perfectly comfortable giving.

Jessie

_____________________________

This is who I am
And this is all I know.
That I must choose to live for all that I can give
The spark that makes the Power grow
<Immortality by Celine Dion>

(in reply to goodgirlslave)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: appropriate cyper chat - 9/17/2008 8:21:39 PM   
FaerieQueene


Posts: 32
Joined: 9/16/2008
Status: offline 		Goodgirlslave,

Although I am not a Master, I have been in the same situation as you. I feel, imo, that there is a certain amount of unspoken pressure to "please" a potential Master by answering his questions, no matter how personal. What I have learned, in my *very* short time on CM, is that there will always be another Master. If he wants you to compromise your beliefs, or push you past your limits (without actually being your Master/Sir), then he may not be a good match for you. Keep looking. I feel that you will either meet a Master who knows just how to push you within your initial limits, or for whom you will feel comfortable sharing more personal info.

I hope I didn't offend anyone, and again, this is all based on my personal experience.

(in reply to JessieMe)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: appropriate cyper chat - 9/17/2008 8:27:33 PM   
ExKat


Posts: 300
Joined: 8/25/2008
Status: offline 		   Because lots of things in BDSM are about sex, a few sexual questions might be relevant before you meet someone. If you're talking to a dom that's obsessed with flogging a woman: he makes floggers for a living, he has 100s of them, etc; and flogging is a hard limit for you, it's silly to continue persuing a relationship if you're completely sexually incompatible. 

  However, these questions can be asked in a relatively non-shady way. Most of the trolls online who want you to go into lurid details about your every sexual fantasy aren't going to be the kind of men you want to meet real-time. I suggest that you flat-out tell these men, "I'm not comfortable talking about that right now." and leave it at that.

_____________________________

~*~ The amalgam of Exquemelin and Katie978~*~
In the forums, it'll usually be Katie you're speaking to.
testing
"That's the plan/ Rule the world/ You and me/ Anyday ::wink::"

(in reply to JessieMe)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: appropriate cyper chat - 9/17/2008 8:35:22 PM   
CruelDesires


Posts: 824
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: goodgirlslave

Masters, i am new and looking to meet a Dom man.  in my correspondence i find i am asked personal questions about sexual acts i am willing to perform.  it seems inappropriate to be asked things such as this by persons i never met.  i am not at all interested in discussing those things, which, frankly i can't even determine in a vacuum without a Dom.  but is not that i don't know the answer, as much as i think it inappropriate to discuss with a cyber person who may not even be real.  so, i find myself refusing to answer such questions.  do you consider this disrespectful?


No.

C-D

_____________________________

Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself.
Lois McMaster Bujold, "A Civil Campaign", 1999

(in reply to goodgirlslave)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: appropriate cyper chat - 9/17/2008 8:51:35 PM   
masterforRT


Posts: 176
Joined: 5/16/2008
Status: offline 		This makes for an interesting discussion....

First, what questions ARE appropriate to ask? To me at least, this is VERY subjective!

Next, should subs be pressured to ask such questions? IMHO, my answer would be no...

Finally, should subs be offended when such questions are asked?

My reply would be....maybe....

Maybe because sex is a part of many peoples' BDSM. Maybe because of the subjectivity of these kinds of questions (you could probably ask 100 people at random whether any particular sexual phrase is offensive and get 50 different answers).

I realize that in attempting to answer this, I have asked more questions...but that's what discussion is all about! :)

(in reply to CruelDesires)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: appropriate cyper chat - 9/17/2008 9:06:06 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Personally, I had no interest in people that were more interested in what I am (a submissive) rather than who I am. Anybody, that started asking about submission before trying to figure who I was....I ended the conversation.

When someone starts asking if I take it up the ass before they've bothered to even ask what I want from a relationship.....it's offensive.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to masterforRT)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: appropriate cyper chat - 9/17/2008 9:25:15 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Ignore the guys above me- it's disrespectful to even think of not answering a question any dom asks you at any time on any subject.  You need to learn to be open to all in every way and surrender to their domliness.  They know better than you and you will learn your place.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: appropriate cyper chat - 9/17/2008 9:47:26 PM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		If that's disrespectful I've perfected it. 





_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: appropriate cyper chat - 9/17/2008 10:32:12 PM   
ApathyRomance


Posts: 106
Joined: 4/2/2008
Status: offline 		Just remember you never have to do anything you aren't comfortable with.  As far as protocol goes, you certainly don't have to answer questions just because someone with "master" in their title tells you to. 

It isn't going to stop though, so I would really, really, really work on not getting bothered by it.   At the same time, however, don't let it jade you.  I couldn't count the number of defensive, snappy replies I have gotten after a simple  "how's it going" or compliment.

Also, like people have said, different people have different comfort levels.  I've had a couple girls who I ended up in relationships with (that ended, but on good terms) who asked me to ask those questions the first time we chatted.

*Shrugs* 

It all comes back to not having to do anything you don't want to.  Ever.

(in reply to Quivver)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: appropriate cyper chat - 9/17/2008 11:57:10 PM   
BlackPhx


Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline 		In my lexicon respect is to hold high esteem. Respect can also mean showing due consideration and is synonymous for courtesy. By both definitions not answering questions could hardly be considered disrespectful. But, if the questions are being used to test your degree and style of submissive or to determine compatibility, then it might obscure the your true beauty in his eyes. But, this might not be a bad thing as if you are not comfortable sharing that level of intimacy at this stage then there might not be compatibility to begin with and should consider this as part of the weeding out process. The big problem is that a lot of alternative relationships dance on the edge of legality and abuse and the fine line of successfully walking that edge depends on honest open communications. Getting to know you and getting to know your prospective dominants require sharing information both ways. There is no requirements to rush especially if he is not forth coming with information about himself. Just try not discount people just because they intially ask uncomfortable questions, and ask a lot of questions youself. Both parties take big risks to pursue these type of relationships and it is wise and prudent to get to know the people you want to engage in kink. Eventually you will have to see if your kinks are compatible and with the difficulty of finding good matches many do no have the time or inclination to pursue a relationship unless they first establish there is sexual compatibility first. Chalk it up to different priorities in determing areas of personal chemistry ;)

BlackPhx

(in reply to ApathyRomance)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: appropriate cyper chat - 9/18/2008 4:09:24 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		What CD said is easier to read.  NO.

(in reply to BlackPhx)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: appropriate cyper chat - 9/18/2008 4:21:27 AM   
persephonee


Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline 		~FR~

Of course, if he says, "Kneel before me bitch"....ya betta get to kneelin......my only concern in this regard, is how do you spell the sound your knees make on the way down???

Is it *crrrreeeeaaaaakkk*....or is it more of a *snap* ing sound??

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: appropriate cyper chat - 9/18/2008 4:26:42 AM   
simpleplan2


Posts: 461
Joined: 7/5/2008
Status: offline 		Not to flame you, but you're 37 and you don't know the answer to this?  I find that very hard to believe.

(in reply to goodgirlslave)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: appropriate cyper chat - 9/18/2008 4:46:56 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		That's why my IM is private. The truth is, anyone who gets your IM from your profile could also garner enough information from your profile to know if you're compatible in that way. Because it doesn't take more than a paragraph to write : no anal, not a pain slut, hates bondage or loves anal, yes to pain, the more rope the better.

Personally since you are looking for a person who wants to see you as a person first, and not just an anonymous warm body to use and discard, I would say that these types who ask you inappropriate questions have identified themselves to you as not compatible and that the moment they do this you add them to your blocked list.

Beyond that, I do expect a dominant to push for what he wants. So I don't get upset when someone does push me, I just state my boundaries and tell him he's going too fast. What I based my judgment on was the response I got when I told someone to slow down. The Man is the only one who apologized for making me uncomfortable and insisted I tell him immediately the next time. Because he listened to me, and started watching for cues that I wasn't comfortable, this has only happened a couple of times before he did know me well enough to know when I was backing off.

So develop a stock phase to use. Use it first when talking to someone new. Something simple like "I want to be friends before I discuss sex or play". Those who ignore it are people you shouldn't go on talking to.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to simpleplan2)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: appropriate cyper chat - 9/18/2008 5:12:29 AM   
BlackPhx


Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline 		I agee a simple answer of no is easier to read and I get overcomplex in my answers. 


Simplified answer then :
No, but you limit your pool of partners and will be fustrated and jaded if you are unwilling to work at the relationships and discard every dominant that asks difficult or uncomfortable questions. 


Overlooked points in the simple answer: 
This is a kinky ad site for people with kinky tastes to attract people with kinky tastes and it is reasonable to expect potential partners to be focused on kinky activities. If you have a slave or submissive profile it is reasonable to expect people who respond to the ad to "think" you will reply in a manner they "expect" a slave or submissive should display. A lot of dominants and subs have unrealistic expectations on how people will or should respond. 

(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: appropriate cyper chat - 9/18/2008 5:12:53 AM   
goodgirlslave


Posts: 15
Joined: 6/13/2007
Status: offline 		simpleplan, I don't feel flamed by your response, just a little embaressed and old.  My question was not - what is right for me.  I know that.  My question was - is it considered disrespectful (generally) to a Master in the community for a sub with whom he is chatting and just met on line, not to answer a question.  in my case - it was a question about anal . . . when first asked, i said i did not not like to discuss specific sex acts with someone i did not know and changed the direction of the chat; he brought it right back and told me i was the answer the question.  how i handled it was not the issue, or question.  if that was how you interpreted the question, i would agree, at 37, people should (generally) know how to handle themselves in most types of conversations.  I was more interested in the Master perspective; how, generally, Masters felt about a sub (not their sub) choosing not to answer a question.  Hence, i posted the quesiton in the 'ask a Master' section. 

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: appropriate cyper chat - 9/18/2008 5:17:04 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Ignore the guys above me- it's disrespectful to even think of not answering a question any dom asks you at any time on any subject.  You need to learn to be open to all in every way and surrender to their domliness.  They know better than you and you will learn your place.


Excuse me you little whippersnapper you!  Are you trying to usurp my position as Goddess of Sarcasm???  Mutter mutter grumble grumble.

She's right though.


Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: appropriate cyper chat - 9/18/2008 5:20:27 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: goodgirlslave
I was more interested in the Master perspective; how, generally, Masters felt about a sub (not their sub) choosing not to answer a question.  Hence, i posted the quesiton in the 'ask a Master' section. 


Ahhh, I see.  You've artificially elevated men who have a dominant orientation to a higher plane than other men.  Would you answer the same question from a man you just met in a bar? Would you consider it disrespectful to refuse to answer? 


Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to goodgirlslave)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: appropriate cyper chat - 9/18/2008 5:22:45 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Good grief not the I want to be friends first thing. What does age have to do with not knowing everything. The TV show about fifth graders shows that isnt true. As to what the Op asked. Why should a stranger ask you a personal question if they don't know you. Why should you have to answer it.

(in reply to goodgirlslave)
Profile   Post #: 20
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