girl4you2
Posts: 1622
Joined: 8/4/2005
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Edited w/emphasis/bold--sorry for the huge darkness,but i don't know how to do multiple inside notes, and this is meant as not a chiding as a future thing to note--hope that makes sense:quote:
ORIGINAL: PriapicBratt
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ORIGINAL: B1gbear
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I am very new at the lifestyle but have spent considerable time talking to and questioning people that are familiar with it. I recently accepted a collar.(I thought collars were for slaves? I am a Sub)
The collar signifies the bonding of a D/s or Master/slave relationship just as rings are used in vanilla lifestyles. Nothing more, nothing less. It is not to be taken lightly. If you didn't even know that subs wore collars when committed to a Dom, then I would say you dove in a bit fast. You should really have learned the significance of a collar first.
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After our first "session" I felt so empty and confused. To me it seemed more like being with a sadist.
Ummmm.....Yea. A session is just that, a session between Dom and sub, Dom=Sadist, sub=masochist in most cases. D/s, M/s, Top/bottom....this is typically the same...the session content being the only thing changing. If there is any pain (mental or physical) involved then it is an S/M scene to one degree or another. You should negociate and understand that as well before engaging in it.
dominants can be sadists or not and the degrees are from none to severe. this should always be discussed and made very clear or you might find yourself in a far worse situation than you've had here
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The "session" went fine but I need the care, passion, gentleness afterwards. Am I wrong in thinking the relationship should have both? I don't know what to do now.
Now your talking about aftercare. It is an essential part of a healthy relationship and scene or session. All of the things you think should be there....should! A Dom takes responsibility for the sub's mental and physical well being when engaging a session, scene or collared relationship. If he's not doing that, then he too needs to do some learning before engaging in such or your both being setup to fail and it can be much more harmful than helpful.
Slow down and do some serious reading and learning before continuing at the pace you are on now. It will wind up badly for all. I can pretty much assure you of that much.
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**TY for your insight BigBear. I do wish to clarify a few things to you.
First, I did know the significance with a collar but when I questioned him he said he had his own theories on collars and they were not what I had learned. As people have said everyone has their own way, I did not question him more. as a novice, understandable, but should be a red flag, as the collar means a great deal, unless it is merely a play collar quote:
Second, there is a huge difference between a Dom and a sadist. This man represented himself as a Dom. please see above; many Doms are sadistic to some degree or another; there is a continuum on this as in most things, and it can be imperative to be on the same page. There isn't necessarily a huge difference between one thing or another; all is open and negotiable up front. the reason that in most bdsm lists, toy bags, etc. there are things like floggers and whips is because many find the use of them pleasureable; to what degree they are used sensually and to what degree painfully pleasureable should be discovered ahead of time and discussed fully as a submissive. quote:
What he told me would go on is not what happened. And we had negotiated some limits before hand. sounds like he didn't listen and i'm so sorry quote:
Third, I did not feel the need to ask about "after care". I was wrong in assuming it would involve that and I have learned a valuable lesson. On the other hand my "mentor" had stated that it was not my job to ask it was the Doms job to know me, take care of me and realize what I needed. Nor did I think this man was going to literally beat me for 5 hours without care afterwards. (A huge mistake on my part) not one you alone have made, and yes, always these things should be double checked out--you were misinformed; you can't fault yourself fully for this quote:
While I do not fully agree with that..I do think this Master misrepresented himself to me. yes, sounds like he did very much quote:
He knew I also wanted a caring, trusting relationship. As we had talked for over a month, I did not feel I needed to emphasize it and I did not go rushing in. I have just finished talking with him and he has apologized but also admits that he is not your typical Dom. In my opinion he is a sadist and thats a big difference to me. again, many Doms are sadistic to one degree or another; please talk talk talk to find out how much quote:
Regardless....I have learned some valuable lessons, and will be much more careful and knowledgable before I venture into anything again.
TY
it sounds like you've learned the hard way (many of us do) and i do hope that you will be slower and more careful in the future. talk talk and more talk. communication is well bantered about, but not done as much as needs be too often. don't take this too much to heart, but do learn from it, as many others will who read this as well.
i do wish you well. (again, apologies for the bold large font, but i've not learned how to do multiple inside quotes and this took me almost an hour!).
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maireann croí éadrom i bhfad. is maith an scáthán súil charad. is leor nod don eolach.
got shoes?
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RE: Asking for too much? - 
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