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New Sub getting carried away? - 9/19/2008 1:42:20 PM

Ubik

Posts: 9
Joined: 8/18/2007
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I have been talking to a new sub about a first meeting for a couple of weeks now.
What concerns me is that she is VERY eager, even though she has no experience.
What started out as a "simple" spanking has turned into a near full on play session - the use of a belt, a riding crop, hair pulling, nipple clamps, humilation, and general rough play.
She also wanted to move quickly to the first meeting, after the first phone call in fact, but my style is to talk a lot first, try and find out more about them and thrash out all the details of the meet, so everyone knows more or less what is going happen and to make it as as safe as possible, find out any health issues etc.

Anyway, my main concern is that she wants me to hit her as hard as I can with the riding crop the moment we meet! "The idea of this would be to give me a small taste of just how severe it can get"
What is peoples opinion on this? I am very reluctant about this, normally, I "warm" people up so the body gets slowly used to the pain.
Is it not dangerous to a big single blow like this? I dont want to cause any damage or ruin the situation with the first blow!
My instinct is to say no, but I am curious on what other people say.
Remember, she has never been even hand spanked, even lightly

Thanks for reading

Post #: 1

RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/19/2008 1:44:28 PM

brokenmind

Posts: 85
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Which of you is the D?

(in reply to Ubik)

Post #: 2

RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/19/2008 1:44:51 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

Go with your instinct. Except go faster with your instinct.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to Ubik)

Post #: 3

RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/19/2008 1:49:50 PM

Lockit

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Joined: 5/7/2007
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The one time I made allowance for going quicker than normal... I was sorry. Don't do it! lol Tell you what... temper things now... tell her you will do things in your time and at your direction. I give it a couple days at most before she let's you know she isn't pleased with that. You will find your answer there.

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 4

RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/19/2008 1:56:08 PM

OttersSwim

Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
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As another new sub, I find myself understanding where she is coming from. There is, at least there was in me, an intense excitement and desire to jump right in and experience as much as I could as fast as I could - it is all such a rush, ya know?

But once you get her under your control, it should be (in my admittedly limited view) your responsibility to carefully monitor how she is doing, and her responsibility to communicate same to you. Based on that, you will have to decide how far you go in your first sessions. You are in charge. Of course, her saying "Yes Sir" and being good with your desired pace can also be part of her submission to you, and honestly, why rush it?

My Lady has been very cautious about introducing me to too much too fast and I admit that I really found even just a heavy paddling was pretty tough to take this first time - really stripped away all those fantasies of "what it will be like". If you go forward, monitor her reactions carefully.

My very new and inexperienced 2c. Hope it helps. :)

_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

(in reply to Ubik)

Post #: 5

RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/19/2008 1:57:08 PM

windchymes

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See, how this whole thing works is, simply put, if the "Dom" doesn't want to do something, he says, "no", and if the "Dom" says "no", the "sub" listens.

It's sounding like you are just as anxious as the prospective sub is to get in there and do something, anything. So, you're ready to compromise your own instincts, and she, well, she's got all the makings of a "do-me" sub.

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(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 6

RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/19/2008 2:01:35 PM

Amaros

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Joined: 7/25/2005
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I'm of two minds on this issue: the first school of thought is that once a sexual dynamic is established, it seldom tends to change - meaning, if you are going to take charge, do it from the outset.

On the flip side, this takes a lot of faith on the part of a submissive, and most appear to prefer to get to know you over time so they don't stumble into somebodies horror movie by mistake, the whole trust thing, and most of us tend to err on the side of caution, and coming on too strong can freak some people out, they can form the wrong impression of you, etc.

In any case, it does take time to get to know anyone, and by rushing in, you might form impressions about someone that are inaccurate, and may come back to bite you in the ass later on, i.e., be careful what you wish for.

Really, all you can go on here are your instincts, and your communication skills - if she's really into this, then you risk disappointing her if you don't - on the other hand, you might interpret not disappointing her, i.e., acceding to her whims as topping from the bottom, etc. yadda, yadda yadda.

In short, you can second guess this all day, or you can just meet her and go with your feelings, and it could go to shit or it could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

If you're the one with experience, and she wants to jump straight into the deep end, then you'll have to set the limits and provide the guidance she'll need when and if she cools off.

(in reply to Ubik)

Post #: 7

RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/19/2008 2:15:39 PM

Ubik

Posts: 9
Joined: 8/18/2007
Status: offline

Thanks for all your replies (wow you guys are fast!)

In reply,
yes I am the D - but that doesnt mean I shouldnt consider her needs. For me D/S is an exchange, its not about me doing what I want regardless of her safety or what she is looking for out of it.
I have already told her no to several of her ideas, and will continue to do so. As you all say - I have the final say, but I will continue to listen.
Although I am experienced, I have never played with some one who isnt, and that is why I am being ultra cautious.
So thank you all for reminding me, I will do things my own way, slowly, carefully and leave the more extreme stuff for future plays
Lets see how she reacts to just a bare handed spanking

(in reply to Amaros)

Post #: 8

RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/19/2008 2:30:44 PM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ubik
I have been talking to a new sub about a first meeting … she is VERY eager, even though she has no experience… She also wanted to move quickly to the first meeting… my main concern is that she wants me to hit her as hard as I can with the riding crop the moment we meet!... My instinct is to say no, but I am curious on what other people say… What is peoples opinion on this?...

I see nothing wrong with satisfying mutual interests and it makes you look no less “Domly” to consider the desires of your partner. This is the beginning and it is also her choice as to whether you guys get together or not. It’s just an ass beating. Other than bruises, if you are just hitting her with a crop, what’s the harm? She wants you to take her on a Disney ride and either that appeals to you or it doesn’t. If it doesn’t you should both move on to someone one else or agree to approach it differently.

In the alternative, if you want to move quickly on the first date, get some rope, a sword and use the Damocles mind fuck on your first date… oh wait, that’s probably not a good idea after all. LOL OK, coat her lightly with oil, salt to taste and beat her till the salt burns her raw flesh like a hot poker. She will either love it or hate it.

Good luck.

_____________________________

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I give good thread.

(in reply to Ubik)

Post #: 9

RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/19/2008 2:34:39 PM

CruelDesires

Posts: 824
Joined: 11/20/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Ubik

Although I am experienced, I have never played with some one who isnt, and that is why I am being ultra cautious.
So thank you all for reminding me, I will do things my own way, slowly, carefully and leave the more extreme stuff for future plays
Lets see how she reacts to just a bare handed spanking

Have you ever heard of sub-frenzy?

C-D

_____________________________

Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself.
Lois McMaster Bujold, "A Civil Campaign", 1999

(in reply to Ubik)

Post #: 10

RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/19/2008 2:41:07 PM

Ubik

Posts: 9
Joined: 8/18/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ubik
I have been talking to a new sub about a first meeting … she is VERY eager, even though she has no experience… She also wanted to move quickly to the first meeting… my main concern is that she wants me to hit her as hard as I can with the riding crop the moment we meet!... My instinct is to say no, but I am curious on what other people say… What is peoples opinion on this?...

I see nothing wrong with satisfying mutual interests and it makes you look no less “Domly” to consider the desires of your partner. This is the beginning and it is also her choice as to whether you guys get together or not. It’s just an ass beating. Other than bruises, if you are just hitting her with a crop, what’s the harm? She wants you to take her on a Disney ride and either that appeals to you or it doesn’t. If it doesn’t you should both move on to someone one else or agree to approach it differently.

In the alternative, if you want to move quickly on the first date, get some rope, a sword and use the Damocles mind fuck on your first date… oh wait, that’s probably not a good idea after all. LOL OK, coat her lightly with oil, salt to taste and beat her till the salt burns her raw flesh like a hot poker. She will either love it or hate it.

Good luck.

What a great reply! Love it and I do have a big jar of Ballymaloe relish still unopened!

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Post #: 11

RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/19/2008 3:26:15 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

I don't know about you, but the whole thing is screaming "set up" to me. Meet and play after one call, hit me as hard as you can as soon as you meet me... maybe it's sub frenzy and maybe it's something else.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to Ubik)

Post #: 12

RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/19/2008 3:39:28 PM

RealSub58

Posts: 1073
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ubik

Thanks for all your replies (wow you guys are fast!)

In reply,
yes I am the D - but that doesnt mean I shouldnt consider her needs. For me D/S is an exchange, its not about me doing what I want regardless of her safety or what she is looking for out of it.
I have already told her no to several of her ideas, and will continue to do so. As you all say - I have the final say, but I will continue to listen.
Although I am experienced, I have never played with some one who isnt, and that is why I am being ultra cautious.
So thank you all for reminding me, I will do things my own way, slowly, carefully and leave the more extreme stuff for future plays
Lets see how she reacts to just a bare handed spanking

I have read the other replies ... might I make a suggestion?
I do understand the want to experience as much as I can and the desire to not postpone. I also know that the dominant must control the whole thing and make it safe.

The suggestion: start with spanking as you like them from what you wirte...but prolong it...change the rhythm, the pattern the hand... use a paddle, a brush, a cane......
different objects, seeing how she reacts.
But do not let her see them as you take her across your knee. My Sir does this. Surprises me everytime. He uses his hand inbetween.

This gives her a taste for the soft, hard, sensual, erotic and the intenseness that can be in a spanking.
Nails between spanks is also effective.

If she uses a safe word...which I am sure you have negogiated with her, then you will know her limits in regards to toys and pain.

I hope you find this helpful.

(in reply to Ubik)

Post #: 13

RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/19/2008 4:02:45 PM

azropedntied

Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline

If as a Top you give your all , will the other then say " is that it ?" .there is something to be said for leaving them to hunger for more .Almost sounds like a control testing as in will you take control of his and her .controlled the pace , will be a lot better than o-to-done in seconds .to much to intensive to fast can also lend to burn out and one up s .But hey as long as your both on a happy fun path the rest can always be communicated and worked through .
best wishes

(in reply to RealSub58)

Post #: 14

RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/19/2008 4:14:28 PM

bluefireroses

Posts: 37
Joined: 8/22/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ubik

yes I am the D - but that doesnt mean I shouldnt consider her needs. For me D/S is an exchange, its not about me doing what I want regardless of her safety or what she is looking for out of it.
I have already told her no to several of her ideas, and will continue to do so. As you all say - I have the final say, but I will continue to listen.

I think you have all the knowledge you need in those few lines. D/s isn't about one person completely bending to the will of another (unless of course that is the chosen dynamic before hand). Listening to her can help, as you will know what she wants; whether you give it to her now, in the future, or never is in your hands.

Please remember her needs and wants can be very different. She needs oxygen, food, and good hygiene. She wants to have an idea of what to expect. You are right in starting with the spanking first and then slowly building up. If you have enough experience, you will easily be able to monitor whether you should use more force or back down.

(in reply to Ubik)

Post #: 15

RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/19/2008 4:34:48 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Tell her you aren't a piece of ass for her to have some funtime with cuz her hormones are raging. You aren't engaging in anything but kinky play so far, no one is the dom here. Clarify your expectations and comfort zones and go from there. If she wants someone to pander to a do-me bottom, it's not that hard to find.

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(in reply to bluefireroses)

Post #: 16

RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/19/2008 5:09:28 PM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Tell her you aren't a piece of ass for her to have some funtime with cuz her hormones are raging. You aren't engaging in anything but kinky play so far, no one is the dom here. Clarify your expectations and comfort zones and go from there. If she wants someone to pander to a do-me bottom, it's not that hard to find.

Harsh, critical and unabashedly dead on.

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
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(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 17

RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/19/2008 5:29:52 PM

naughtysubK

Posts: 62
Joined: 5/2/2004
Status: offline

shouldn't you be meeting her for the first time in a place that is a little too public and vanilla to hit her with a crop at first sight?

I remember when I was very new and oh so eager to experience my first spanking. He explained to me several times that it would hurt a lot more in real life than in my fantasies. Guess what..... he was right!!

If she has never been spanked before, I think it would be a bad idea for her first introduction to be a very hard smack with a crop. She has no idea what to expect.

(in reply to NihilusZero)

Post #: 18

RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/19/2008 6:31:18 PM

Gorgias

Posts: 41
Joined: 10/31/2007
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I'd take it slowly with her.

My first dom took it as fast as I said that I wanted... and things didn't work out. I was freaked out and didn't do anything kinky for a year and a half. Thankfully, we got into contact again, and I'm happily collared to him right now. But we did lose a year and a half.

(in reply to Ubik)

Post #: 19

RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/19/2008 6:37:26 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
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From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: naughtysubK

shouldn't you be meeting her for the first time in a place that is a little too public and vanilla to hit her with a crop at first sight?

This is my thought too.

Will say that, while I understand the excitement and the urge to want to try everything....if she's dead new, she's probably going to end up overwhelmed. Either emotionally or physically. Personally, I wouldn't promise her anything or than "we'll see how it goes". If she's handling it well, sure go ahead. If she's not, keep it light.

Also, be aware that she's unexperienced and wants a heavy play session.....and you're not going to be there for the sub drop.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to naughtysubK)

Post #: 20

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