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RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/19/2008 9:13:55 PM

scarlethiney

Posts: 492
Joined: 8/22/2008
Status: offline

Forgive me for sounding like the black hole of negativity but I personally know a Dom who met a woman who "wanted", needed to be a sub, overly anxious for a beating, biting,wants to experience sub space wants it all now etc. He counseled her on the first meeting. Tried to get to know her, explained his role in this. Explained her role as a sub.They had been talking online for weeks.
On the second meeting he helped her experience some of this. Three days after this wonderful event she went to a woman's shelter and said he assaulted her (she had the bruise and a bite mark to prove it). He was arrested for felony assault. Long and short of it. It changed his life.....................forever. He spent thousands of dollars on a defense for something he should have known seemed a bit unrealistic with a person he really didn't know well. She out of embarrassment or guilt or mental illness decided he abused her and that he should pay for it. He is still paying for it two years later.

He now has a misdemeanor assault record, was fired from his job in health care and has had a horrible time finding anyone to hire him with ANY type of assault record.

It does happen, it can happen. Please be careful. What ever happens between the two of you will be your word against hers and where the law is concerned you are guilty until you prove yourself innocent...................... if you can.

Good luck,

scarlet

_____________________________

"The words 'I am...' are potent words; be careful what you hitch them to. The thing you're claiming has a way of reaching back and claiming you." - A.L. Kitselman.

see my profile masterkspet

(in reply to Ubik)

Post #: 21

RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/19/2008 9:36:02 PM

brokenmind

Posts: 85
Joined: 9/13/2008
Status: offline

Perfect post scarlet. Thank you for the cold, but needed, dose of reality.

(in reply to scarlethiney)

Post #: 22

RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/20/2008 3:38:11 AM

appleblossom59

Posts: 3
Joined: 9/19/2008
Status: offline

I take it you have not actually met this young lady in person yet? I think you'd be very wise to meet her a few times at least in a vanilla setting (or maybe a munch if you're close to a good group) and assess her character - and especially her mental state - before proceeding, for both your sakes.

Good luck!

(in reply to Ubik)

Post #: 23

RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/20/2008 6:27:07 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Biting off more than she can chew I see. And yes, this is sub frenzy.

If you want to start small and explore how much she can take, then that's your choice. I wouldn't agree to using your whole strength on the first blow because then there won't be a second. Just keep reassuring her that this isn't her only chance, that you will have lots of time to do everything. And that you need to save something for next time.

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Post #: 24

RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/20/2008 6:33:52 AM

Ubik

Posts: 9
Joined: 8/18/2007
Status: offline

Thank you all again for your comments. It has helped me snap back into reality.
I have completely taken control as I should have done in the beginning (My only excuse is that it has been a long time since I last played!!) and arranged a meeting in a public place.
I always insist on a safe word, and I actually stop and check that she is ok, take time outs etc
And I love the idea of switching spanking methods - how delicious!

Ubik

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 25

RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/20/2008 7:40:24 AM

pusssnbooots2

Posts: 18
Joined: 9/19/2008
Status: offline

This topic hits home with me on a few levels. I'm in a newly-formed relationship and we're taking it very slowly ... his pace... his choice. Not mine. lol He's teaching me patience and showing me, truly, how it is to have the Dom lead the relationship. My experiences in the past have probably bordered on the 'do me' sub type ... out of my eagerness for experiences and their allowing it. And now I find myself with one who will not allow it. While it's difficult at times, and when I find myself feeling the itch of impatience, I literally tell myself 'let it go, he's in charge.' and it helps remind me of the dynamic and why I choose to be in this relationship.

She may need the reminders that you're in charge, that you make the decisions (even though you wish her input) and that she will experience what you wish, when you wish it. You both may have to deal with her impatience, but in the end, it's a very good lesson, I think.

(in reply to Ubik)

Post #: 26

RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/20/2008 7:47:25 AM

SultryMomma

Posts: 48
Joined: 7/11/2004
Status: offline

Always leave them wanting more.

SM
(Kris)

(in reply to Ubik)

Post #: 27

RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/20/2008 7:58:50 AM

BlackPhx

Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline

Ubik...

All I can say is take it easy. She doesn't know what she needs or can take..she only knows what her desires and fantasies are. You have a responsibility to control the scene and take her step by step deeper based on her reactions. With the exception of a few movies by Brutal Master and his ilk, you can watch some fantastic whippings on porn that look harsh but have no real impact and with the real torture vids, when you watch the slave get up and gingerly walk off and get dressed it is not going to give you an idea of just how much something hurt..as their pain levels are not your pain levels.. If she has seen these, and fantasized off them, well it is likely she has no concept of pain levels involved or of what she can take.

You set the pace and do it based on your comfort level and her reactions and what ever you do cover your ass as far as permissions go. What works in ones dreams doesn't always pan out in real life and regrets can be expensive to the person who fulfilled the fantasy if assault charges are filed.

poenkitten

(in reply to Ubik)

Post #: 28

RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/20/2008 10:10:32 AM

MsMillgrove

Posts: 260
Joined: 5/27/2008
Status: offline

How refreshing that the OP cooled off his excitement and listened to all the advice that he asked for and gave the posters an update, letting everyone know he'd reconsidered.
I've watch so many threads where the OP resists good advice, defends a position, or never responds again. It's comforting to know that now and then someone profits from
the time/energy that others spend to assist.
I think most dom/me have had a similiar, very short-lived lapse, when good sense is attempting to fly out the window...The lucky ones have stopped before they acted.
OP also mentioned that this is the first time he is considering a sub who isn't experienced, so he really needs to take it very easy as this is unfamiliar ground to both him and his new sub. Best wishes, crossing fingers for a happy outcome.

(in reply to BlackPhx)

Post #: 29

RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/20/2008 10:54:11 AM

Ubik

Posts: 9
Joined: 8/18/2007
Status: offline

Why thank you MsMillgrove.
Only a fool would ignore the vast experience on tap on this site.
You should never be so bold as to think you know it all - if you do , then you are a danger to yourself as well as to your sub.
People like BlackPhx offer such good advice, and I have been out of the scene for a while, and look at the response I got - 99% well balanced sound advice.
I have been criticized for being "not dom" enough, but each to his\her own.
I am Dom enough to know how I want to be - and that is always a better, safer Dom.

We are meeting for a drink next week and even then I can say we wont play until we have met 3 or 4 times in public.
She has explained that she has been searching for years for someone, but never felt safe until now, and that she is worried incase it doesnt happen, so that is a reasonable explanation of why she moves fast

Thank you all

(in reply to MsMillgrove)

Post #: 30

RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/20/2008 2:49:49 PM

CelticPrince

Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ubik

Thanks for all your replies (wow you guys are fast!)

In reply,
yes I am the D - but that doesnt mean I shouldnt consider her needs. For me D/S is an exchange, its not about me doing what I want regardless of her safety or what she is looking for out of it.
I have already told her no to several of her ideas, and will continue to do so. As you all say - I have the final say, but I will continue to listen.
Although I am experienced, I have never played with some one who isnt, and that is why I am being ultra cautious.
So thank you all for reminding me, I will do things my own way, slowly, carefully and leave the more extreme stuff for future plays
Lets see how she reacts to just a bare handed spanking

Ubik,

Your track is a correct one, change it at your peril!

CP

(in reply to Ubik)

Post #: 31

RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/20/2008 10:29:52 PM

VivaciousSub

Posts: 446
Joined: 9/7/2008
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

Ubik,

Glad to see you've taken all of this into consideration! I have also been impressed with the replies from other posters.

I'll admit, when I first read what your sub wanted I got nervous. Something about her approach seemed a bit off to me. Starting with the bare-handed spanking is a good idea!

_____________________________

9.8m/s^2 + VivaciousSub + ground = ouchx10^9th

To yield readily--easily--to the persuasion of a friend is no merit.... To yield without conviction is no compliment to the understanding of either. ~ Pride and Prejudice

(in reply to CelticPrince)

Post #: 32

RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/20/2008 10:39:27 PM

WhiplashSmile2

Posts: 526
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline

If I was in your situation, I'd be spending the same amount of time learning more about them and talking as well.

I'd simply come tell her, look, you are new to all this. Let me break you in the way I like and feel comfortable doing.   I'd make it clear that spanking her ass full on like that for the first time it will hurt literally like fucking hell on earth.

I'd at least want to have tested how well she deals with a few softer blows first, at least for me to gauge things.   Fuck All, actually... Just bring some things with you. Figure out how far to take things based on how it actually goes.

Personally, i don't try to premediate everything out ahead of time. Just be prepared just incase she actually can deal with more or not. This are my thoughts, just do a lot of talking about activitity possibilities, figure out what she's up for exploring and doing.   Then deal with it as things go down.

Hell, she might have a very high and natural pain tolerence.   There are too many unknowns involve so prepare for the unknowns.   Things can go in so many different directions.

AS the boy Scout Motto is "Be Prepared"... wack wack wack...

(in reply to Ubik)

Post #: 33

RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/21/2008 6:18:18 AM

daddysliloneds

Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline

there's nothing wrong with being an eager beaver in the meet as soon as possible department, or even for a first play session, however, when someone is asking for physical things that they have no clue about, then the person with the most knowledge of such has to be the leader, not the follower.

(in reply to Ubik)

Post #: 34

RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/21/2008 12:59:21 PM

Jeptha

Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline

quote:

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Tell her you aren't a piece of ass for her to have some funtime with cuz her hormones are raging. You aren't engaging in anything but kinky play so far, no one is the dom here. Clarify your expectations and comfort zones and go from there. If she wants someone to pander to a do-me bottom, it's not that hard to find.

Harsh, critical and unabashedly dead on.

The point is well made - for the Dom to clarify his comfort zones.
However, I do disagree with the "no one is the dom here" part, because, that is exactly what he is doing in this post; defining his comfort zones, if only for himself first.
Not to be too preachy, but that shows someone who is taking responsibility and putting thought and consideration into something, gathering information and educating themselves.
Important first steps for anybody at any level, every time.

(in reply to NihilusZero)

Post #: 35

RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/21/2008 2:18:22 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ubik

We are meeting for a drink next week and even then I can say we wont play until we have met 3 or 4 times in public.
She has explained that she has been searching for years for someone, but never felt safe until now, and that she is worried incase it doesnt happen, so that is a reasonable explanation of why she moves fast

Thank you all

call me jaded ... but I am suspicious that she will even show up for that first meet....

I personally don't find her explanation all that reasonable.

In my experience, anyone that has been actively searching to meet people of years learns alot of things in this lifestyle. The one thing they do learn more often than not is to take it slow... not to move to fast..........Especially if they have never even met the person in the first place. I am not saying that she is lying... but I am suspicious... I am playing the odds... and her story is very much a long-shot. There is something that just doesn't fit with her story

< Message edited by KnightofMists -- 9/21/2008 2:20:02 PM >

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Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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Post #: 36

RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/21/2008 2:54:11 PM

barryjon

Posts: 9
Joined: 9/16/2008
From: Durham UK
Status: offline

as a new sub waiting for first session with new Mistress I too am wanting to rush into everything maybe my first session with Mistress will slow me down

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 37

RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/21/2008 3:49:34 PM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: VivaciousSub
I'll admit, when I first read what your sub wanted I got nervous. Something about her approach seemed a bit off to me. Starting with the bare-handed spanking is a good idea!

As is often the case, my thoughts on the OP's situation are a bit different. First of all, when I met Master for the first time in person (after six weeks of constant phone and cam interaction), He whipped, flogged and caned me. I wasn't an "experienced" submissive. No one had ever tied me up and beat me before. He beat me and beat me hard, leaving lots of welts and bruises. I didn't need to "start" with a "bare-handed spanking" in order to somehow be "ready" for what He desired to do to me. In my opinion - and you can take it for what you think it's worth - there isn't a need for everyone to somehow start off lightly and softly and be worked up to a hard beating. Many yes, but not all. I didn't need that at all. I took everything He dished out and had the most wonderful, cathartic experience of my life and never looked back. Everyone is different indeed.

Secondly, as to "sub frenzy," I have always called utter bullshit on such a concept. I have always been pretty much a level-headed, rational person. I have almost always thought clearly and made decisions accordingly. Being a "sub" and getting a taste of the flogger didn't suddenly make me a blithering idiot in some kind of unable-to-think-and reason "frenzy." Anyone who deigns to excuse their idiotic, childish, stupid behavior by saying they're a new sub and helpless to fight their desires would be someone I'd run the other way from. Someone who wishes to excuse themselves that way and not take responsibility for their own dumb decisions needs a real wake up call. I don't choose to get involved with people who are not adult enough to call a spade a spade instead of saying their in some kind of mind-meld frenzy. Puh-leez

...................luci

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Post #: 38

RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/21/2008 4:37:46 PM

VivaciousSub

Posts: 446
Joined: 9/7/2008
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

SL,

My post was simply to state that there was something alarming about this particular approach considering the parties involved. I did not say that "starting with the spanking" was right for everyone.

I'm pleased that your experience was a good one.

_____________________________

9.8m/s^2 + VivaciousSub + ground = ouchx10^9th

To yield readily--easily--to the persuasion of a friend is no merit.... To yield without conviction is no compliment to the understanding of either. ~ Pride and Prejudice

(in reply to slaveluci)

Post #: 39

RE: New Sub getting carried away? - 9/21/2008 4:41:41 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeptha
The point is well made - for the Dom to clarify his comfort zones.
However, I do disagree with the "no one is the dom here" part, because, that is exactly what he is doing in this post; defining his comfort zones, if only for himself first.
Not to be too preachy, but that shows someone who is taking responsibility and putting thought and consideration into something, gathering information and educating themselves.
Important first steps for anybody at any level, every time.

Exactly, so it's nothing to do with being a dominant. It's just good relationship practice.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Jeptha)

Post #: 40

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