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RE: How to move forward? - 9/20/2008 11:42:24 PM

girloverboard

Posts: 6
Joined: 1/20/2008
From: California
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I too echo the therapy notion, and just in case it goes without saying, and i'm probably rehashing things discusssed a million times, but if you do, find a kink aware professional! I've definitely had therapists who didn't understand what i was doing was consentual, were a little too old school feminist, etc etc... I haven't been where you are, but I've had a lot of bad therapists and its definitely worth the time to find a good one.

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RE: How to move forward? - 9/21/2008 8:55:43 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
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Thanks all of you for such sound advice and good moral support. A kiss for feefee who has been a special friend through all of this.

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RE: How to move forward? - 9/21/2008 9:09:58 AM

girlivy

Posts: 699
Joined: 7/6/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

How do I regain my trust?

I lived with a man for four years that I initially believed to be dominant. In that time he bullied, belittled and teased me about my submission.

Before anyone says 'you should of been strong enough to walk away', all I can say is, I wasn't..... until 8 months ago when I showed him the door.

I now find myself over suspicious of dominant men. I feel embarrassed and almost silly to show my submission and fear it will put them off me.

I know he's conditioned me to feel this way but I don't know how to move forward.

Firt OP, I am sorry to hear of what you are going through. Speaking for myself here, having been there myself, I have found that when I took the time to learn again how to trust Myself first again, things seemed to flow naturally again. A "new balance" for lack of a better term. I wish you the best of luck!
Cheers!

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AUTHENTIC SPIRITUAL GROWTH NEVER COMES FROM EXPERIENCES THAT THE EGO CAN PREDICT OR CONTROL.
OUR SPIRIT HAS ITS OWN AGENDA: OUR DESTINY.
Be yourself, everyone else is taken!

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RE: How to move forward? - 9/21/2008 9:17:19 AM

BOUNTYHUNTER

Posts: 9259
Joined: 2/5/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

He was not a Dominant man. He was an abuser. Know that and do not choose another abuser. Its really all about your decisions. What do you think is dominant? How would you feel if a Dominant was soft spoken and nice to you? Also, at this point, I would not choose anyone who is into humiliation. That would stir up old stuff.

I would also think about seeing a therapist to help you through building up your self esteem. Also to figure out if this is an ongoing pattern. Was this person similar to anyone in your family? Have you had boyfriends like this before? Did it give you that "at home" feeling? If you always do what you have always done, you'll always get, what you've always got.

A Dominant is not a caricature. He is not mean or out of control and he doesn't do anything to you that hasn't been negotiated or that you don't want. A real Master has himself mastered. perhaps you can get mentored in real time. Look for people in the lifestyle. Join a dungeon club, go to munches. Find out someone's reputation before you jump in again.

Yes luscious, but how does a girl go about checking his reputation .friends now someone who is an abuser wouldn't be up front letting a girl meet his friends or maybe hes a closet abuser.....Patterns are hard to break and it takes a lot of work to do so,Again she needs to get out among the bdsm community and just observe the demeanor between other Dom and their sub.slave...just my two cents.....

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RE: How to move forward? - 9/21/2008 9:54:15 AM

lronitulstahp

Posts: 5392
Joined: 10/17/2007
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quote:

How do I regain my trust?

We've all been there...no matter our role, or status. The important thing is learning from the past, but not continuing to live in the past. Give yourself time to heal. Have fun, and don't feel a need to rush into anything serious too soon.
Someone once told me, " I don't mind being held responsible for something I did wrong, but i refuse to pay for what someone else did to you." He was right...and it helped me begin to pust some of my trust issues in order.

Best Wishes!

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Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

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RE: How to move forward? - 9/21/2008 10:15:15 AM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
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I don't know that this has anything to do with D/s. I would suggest that anyone who has had an unfortunate relationship experience can feel the same way. It wasn't what you thought it was (or what you wanted it to be?) and now you feel cheated, you feel you made yourself vulnerable, you found out the hard way "it ain't so", and now you withraw your trust.

While that is perfectly understandable, you do not perhaps get the most important lesson out of this: you misjudged your partner. You got the assessment wrong, didn't do the assessment, were overeager, or any of the other reasons why one jumps into something feet first, only to discover that what seemed so solid is in fact quicksand.

You'll regain the trust once you figure out where you made your mistake. This is nothing unusual, or to be ashamed about, we all make these mistakes, that's how we learn which turns in life are too tight to take, to quote the Abominable Clarkson. Next time you won't make this mistake - but perhaps will make others. Or perhaps you'll get it right. It's life. Get over it. Smell the roses. And know that if you have a tendency to "pick the wrong guy", a good friend or two, those people you can bounce things off, and who won't say what you want to hear, are invaluable.

Best of luck