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MaleSlaveAnon -> Confused, in too fast with ProDomme? (9/20/2008 8:14:08 PM)
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i'm sorry for this being so long, maybe i'll figure out what i should have left out from responses.
i began an online relationship with a Pro-Domme, P.S., followed up by a weekend trip to see P.S., and She seems to expect that i have no second thoughts about being owned by Her.
i'm 65 and a strategy for finding a dominant woman is approaching professionals. Though my ideal is being a slave husband to a wife, on collarme i find a ratio of only 3 dominant women to 255 slave and sub men ages 60 to70. i feel time is running out for fulfilling my submissive desires before sexuality is gone after years of looking, writing ad responses, going to munches, parties.
i still have mental reservations however:
1. i don't know how far She will take me into slavery, too much or not enough.
2. would i keep good spiritual and work energy renting and living in an apartment for Her to use to see clients.
3. i'm giving up the possibility of love (except developing slave love for Her over time) and being in a primary relationship with a woman since P.S.'s primary relationship is Her slave-bf who She'll have children with.
4. Will i not be able to afford enough tribute to fulfill my needs?
5. i could live in Bali and Thailand half the year every year for what i'll be paying in tribute.
6. won't i end up devoting myself to Her, and lose my own life, goals, and dreams, especially if She decides to be demanding
7. i've never done 24/7, will i lose erotic interest if there's lots of service and little play
8. She likes financial domination which i am resisting, will She give me an obsession for this like i think has happened to men so She can take or i even want to give Her all my retirement money risking Her putting me out on the street. She's gone beyond the 1,000 a month limit i asked for. (i've experienced wanting to give everything i had to a Mistress girlfriend in the past.)
9. If we including the children She wants with Her slave bf to be husband develop into a poly family, will i develop the liking, loving, knowing, common interests, values, and conversations that people have said needs to be there for LT relationships. i don't feel able to do this with Her so far, but She didn't talk much to Her slave-bf either.
10. For the $1200 tribute to see Her overnight as She wants me to do monthly i felt i got little of Her attention, Her being either in Her room or with Her friends, so i start thinking i'd much rather try developing a relationship with someone local with 6 $200 sessions and have 6 hours of play time with full attention instead of 30 minutes of full attention play time and a couple of hours of foot worship while She was on the internet or talking with Her friends. Plus after Her first online "session" She never did another.
11. How do i know She really has interest in me other being a Professional who says what She has to to make me think so to exploit me to be sure She keeps my $1,000 to $1,500 a month coming in, business being slow for Her and money short?
When i just mentioned a few of my underlying feelings (with NONE of the specificity of the above) She said She doesn't like this and if i'm having second thoughts why should She waste Her time with me? Well that doesn't have me feel i can actually discuss much with Her, except very carefully.
She also said She owns me now and there is nothing i can do about it. That part may be true cause i already have cravings so i'll keep seeing Her and getting in deeper. She has hit upon my fantasy of wanting to be taken over, and in person i automatically obey Her. When i'm not quite so submissive i start being realistic and practical and i have my reservations, but i find most Pro-Dommes only will do sessions and not take on a slave. Were i to look elsewhere i'm afraid it'd be hard to find someone and what issues would there be with them? So i think i'd just end up begging Her to let me back (reference AAkasha's "Understanding why subs do flake" thread).
BUT, wouldn't She understand and expect me to, and WANT me to be rational enough to be having second thoughts when we've had very little interaction and dialogue, the plan would include me moving 400 miles to live near Her, when i don't know what my life would be like as Her slave (and She doesn't either--i asked), when i haven't been broken yet, when i'm paying tribute that is substantial to me? While i can see Her knowing She wants to own me for the money and might stay uninvolved, i expect real involvement to develop only over time, including Her confidence that She does indeed own and have control of me. i think a female slave would be advised to be careful about entering into something and take her time.
YES, when i'm in Her presence and feel Her dominance and put in my place, i'm glad just for the opportunity to be Her slave, and my reservations are forgotten and secondary and i know i'm glad to be in Her power and would beg Her to forget these silly concerns of mine or for me to think i might have any rights anyway and i'm grateful for what freedoms She's been allowing me.
YET, maybe this is an attitude for Dommes, the submissive should beg to be their slave, should be happy and grateful for the opportunity to serve them anyway the Domme wants and get their pleasure from that, right from the getgo, or don't even respond, there's so many submissive men why bother with one that has reservations. (As a sub, i wonder will it be just painting or cleaning Her house without me even feeling any domination?)
Maybe this is the problem (again reference Aakasha's thread about subs flaking) that there are times i and other subs WILL do this, so Dommes get plenty of men who WILL go for this and therefore rightly expect it, though sometimes the sub can't keep it up, if the Domme isn't putting anything into it.
i guess i don't feel i have the luxury of having reservations and just have to play it out until it works out or something drives me away or i've become so addicted already that even though i should be driven away i have to live with whatever it is.
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