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Anger & submissives - 9/21/2008 8:50:41 AM   
pixelslave


Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline 		In any relationship, there's bound to be conflicts that will arise, especially when a new dynamic is being established.  In this lifestyle, there's the added element where the Dominant usually has the final say in many decisions and the submissive is expected to accept the Dominant's final decision without argument.  While that works fine in a theoretical power exchange, there are bound to be times when the submissive is going to have feelings of anger and resentment as a result of decisions made by the Dominant; particularly when the submissive may not like or agree with those decisions.
 
My question is, how are those feelings safely expressed and dealt with in your relationship? 
 
I'll add that I know from experience that not expressing these feelings and not dealing with them only leads to depression and other problems in relationships.  As such, I think it's a very important issue for both submissives and Dominants as well, and would like to hear thoughts from both sides of the kneel.
 
 - pixel
 
 Lady Pact's bleaux
 


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RE: Anger & submissives - 9/21/2008 9:00:28 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		He was too smart to start throwing out hundreds of orders right away. He didn't just make wild demands. He did say things and tell me why, ie he thought what I was doing was dangerous or unhealthy. Because he gave his reasons, I could judge that what he said was sensible and worth following.

Blind obedience needs to be earned. Knowing that he hadn't earned it, he didn't demand it. When we did have disagreements we talked them out. Interestingly enough, anytime in these five plus years we have had difficulties, it has almost always come down to miscommunication. The one situation that didn't came down to neither of us knowing what would bring about a good solution, and we referred it to a professional.

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RE: Anger & submissives - 9/21/2008 9:01:00 AM   
xXLithiumXx


Posts: 723
Joined: 9/2/2008
From: Hell, Kentucky
Status: offline 		I have my girl to keep a journal where she writes, and then brings it to me, this gives her a chance to get it out, and get it all out, and then for me to read all of it, and then make comments. We of course have sit down talks when it comes down to it, and we work things out, and we tweak things as we need to.

Communication is the key, will always be the key, to any relationship. If a Dominant is not willing to listen, even if they veto the opinions, then it is a serious set back for the relationship.

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RE: Anger & submissives - 9/21/2008 9:08:57 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Honestly, sometimes we just fight like a married couple. Not very often. But every now and then.

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RE: Anger & submissives - 9/21/2008 9:15:39 AM   
trisket


Posts: 15
Joined: 5/22/2007
Status: offline 		I believe that the journal idea is a very good one.  It allows the slave to be open and honest in airing her feelings and thoughts, without directing an actual negative statement.  The Master owns the "goings on" in the mind of the one he owns, it is his right and a slave's obiligation to keep him abreast of the status at all times.  The journal entry method allows for that information to be accurate and honest, without confrontation.

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RE: Anger & submissives - 9/21/2008 10:00:00 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

While that works fine in a theoretical power exchange, there are bound to be times when the submissive is going to have feelings of anger and resentment as a result of decisions made by the Dominant; particularly when the submissive may not like or agree with those decisions.

 
we must be having only a theoretical relationship, then, if that is the only kind of relationship that exists without anger and resentment on behalf of the submissive...damn, it sure has resembled a real relationship these last 5 1/2 years.  won't Master be suprised...
 
seriously, absolutes and generalizations are rarely, if ever, helpful.
 
plenty of D/s relationships have to deal with an angry, resentful submissive, from time to time, but to say that the only ones that don't are "theoretical" is patently false.
 
for this slave, she has no desire to control things or have things go "her" way, Master makes decisions according to HIS desires and they are respected, not second-guessed or held up as inferior to a decision this slave would make, even if she were instructed to make it.  this slave has a submissive personality...submitting to another's authority is as comfortable and natural as breathing in and out.
 
there is no struggle, no animosity, no resentment or anger since she has no "dog" to contribute to "the fight".

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RE: Anger & submissives - 9/21/2008 10:34:36 AM   
lizcgirl


Posts: 287
Joined: 4/13/2008
Status: offline 		Depends on the situation. My moods usually pass quickly so He might just say 'this is how it is period' and leave it at that, knowing that it really isn't a big deal and I'll get over it in a matter of minutes. If I really feel passionately about it, I make my case. I don't really argue as much as try and explain why I disagree with His decision. He listens, then makes His decision. I don't usually object after that because I feel like I got to say my piece and He gives His reasons for why He chose what He did and I'm satisfied with that. (of course, sometimes His reasoning is simply because He says so. lol) If I get to the point where He can tell I'm going to get really nasty, He just says my name in that 'tone' and I know I'm hurting my case more than helping so I quit. I might pout for a few afterwards but like I said, the mood passes quickly and I know He hates it when I pout so I try not to act like a spoiled child. As long as I feel like He heard my reasonings, even if He decides to do the opposite of what I wanted, I'm fine with that because I trust His judgement.

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RE: Anger & submissives - 9/21/2008 10:35:02 AM   
pixidustpet


Posts: 857
Joined: 6/4/2008
Status: offline 		TheEngineer and i began as friends. then we were occasional lovers, didnt speak for a while, and last winter i impulsively emailed him again. 

we've had one disagreement.  we argued....he told me to shut up and listen to what he was saying    and we heatedly got to the end of it, he spanked me for being stubborn, and we havent argued again.  yes, i get angry at him sometimes...there are moments he's difficult to live with.  he notices i'm quiet and makes me tell him about it.

or sometimes he *doesnt* notice, and i get over myself.   or as my gramma used to say "may as well get over being mad, you still got the same pants to get glad in."  that and some saying about "bowlegged means you're cute" which i never did quite understand.

kitten

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RE: Anger & submissives - 9/21/2008 10:57:13 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		As was noted, plenty of Ds relationships engage in angry fighting and consider it a normal and healthy part of their dynamic.  Some people have more particular training and routes of expression.

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RE: Anger & submissives - 9/21/2008 11:23:11 AM   
Icarys


Posts: 5757
Status: offline
quote:

there is no struggle, no animosity, no resentment or anger since she has no "dog" to contribute to "the fight".


Maybe some enjoy the fighting but i would not, nor would i keep around a female that did take to arguing. I've seen other Dominants that say they would enjoy what to me would seem like disrespect and a little chaos.


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RE: Anger & submissives - 9/21/2008 12:28:26 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		I asked this question of mine and here's what she said...

Anger and resentment may not be quite correct... that implies that the decision that the dom made was not right or unfair in some way.  In my world, it's not often that I get blindsided like that.  Annoyance is more common.  For instance, I am commanded to go do something that Master could've easily done when I would've preferred to be lazy on the couch.  I just let those go.
 
As I watch her reactions, this matches what I would've said.  We don't tend to get that far out of sync to start with.  For her, she is content to yield to my authority and she trusts that I am using the authority wisely to her benefit.  At least for us, that seems to get rid of the more extreme type of responses implied in the OP's question.  Insofar as the minor laziness stuff, pfffft, we all experience that every day when the alarm rings and we get up anyway or similar situations.  The one time that we DID get out of sync and she was caught by surprise in a troublesome area, we sat down and talked about it.  This also was at a specific command of mine (eg:  any time you're experience significantly negative emotions regarding some command, I want to know about them in a polite and non-melodramatic sort of way).  In the end, we have never really "fought", we resolve differences.

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RE: Anger & submissives - 9/21/2008 12:36:16 PM   
sfdrew


Posts: 124
Joined: 6/15/2007
Status: offline 		I am in D/s relationship and I can say that it is foolish to take the attitude that the Dom/me is always right, because their not. When it comes to matters of fact, your position in a relationship with another person holds no weight. Matters regarding opinion are private, which only leaves matters of policy. I find that few conflicts of this sort really come up. For example, during car rides, with only two exceptions, I have never been allowed to select the music. This isn't an issue because of the dynamic of our relationship, and I'm not going to get bent out of shape over it. If I did, then I wouldn't be the submissive I claim to be. Matters that are a bit more serious than musical selection do require some special handling.

I find it is best to take a break from Her and get some time alone to think. I have offered this person my life and complete control over it, and I have no right to complain when they chose to exercise it just because it is inconvenient to me. This is a large part of being a disciplined and well behaved slave. If I want to live a slave's life, then I have to be willing to accept everything that comes with it. This doesn't stop me from voicing my concerns, but first I have to make sure that I have a valid complaint and that I am not thinking irrationally. This is why I take little breaks to sort things out in my mind. Partially to come to terms with the situation, and partially to determine what action would be appropriate to follow. It could turn out that She is the one who is thinking irrationally, and I need to say something to help Her out. It's not always us vs. Them. I live my life to make Hers more enjoyable and sometimes that means letting things go that an ordinary person may not.

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RE: Anger & submissives - 9/21/2008 1:15:10 PM   
appleblossom59


Posts: 3
Joined: 9/19/2008
Status: offline 		Talk, talk, talk - about all issues and feelings as they arise.  Silent resentment is poisonous in a relationship, especially when it builds.  Sensitivity to each other's feelings is paramount.  In all honesty I can't remember ever being really angry with my Dominant, but I think that is because he is such an excellent communicator and always makes sure we are on "the same page" first, ergo, we have a good understanding of each other or any issues.  Doesn't mean  I'll always agree or like it - but even if I don't I'll accept it, without resentment.

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RE: Anger & submissives - 9/21/2008 1:20:35 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

 and she trusts that I am using the authority wisely to her benefit...



Bingo.


As long as this is what is happening, then resentment doesn't grow. Selfishness, making unreasonable demands of a sub - those kinds of things breed resentment (rightfully) and anger. But when the dominant things about what will be the result of the order on the sub, and does what is healthiest for the sub, resentment should be an end result unless the sub is conflicted already about their submissiveness.

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RE: Anger & submissives - 9/21/2008 1:24:34 PM   
sunshinedreams


Posts: 181
Joined: 1/22/2008
Status: offline 		In my relationship, arguements and fights just don't happen. We have intense discussions sometimes, but we also know each other very well and talk about certain things before they come up. We have gotten to know each others strenghts, and put them to use when things come up. I think good communication and being proactive about events in life really has an upside.

As always, though, he does have the last word.


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RE: Anger & submissives - 9/21/2008 1:44:05 PM   
MrRodgers


Posts: 10542
Joined: 7/30/2005
Status: offline 		It has always been my view if there is any anger at all...there is a failure. All of the emotions or problems in a person should be brough out just like any other issue and right away. Nipping it in the bud means it gets resolved long before any anger comes in. Anger from what ? shelfishness...jealousy...where those should never exist ?

All manor of  'things' come up or issues may arise and in any relationship...they are all addressed like any other and without anger.

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RE: Anger & submissives - 9/21/2008 4:41:07 PM   
servantheart


Posts: 960
Joined: 10/26/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinedreams
As always, though, he does have the last word.


Master says I get to have the last word...."yes, Sir"

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RE: Anger & submissives - 9/21/2008 4:46:13 PM   
VivaciousSub


Posts: 446
Joined: 9/7/2008
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline 		The only times I have felt anger or resentment towards a Master was when I felt very strongly that I was being belittled or disrespected. If I feel that my Master respects what I have to say in general, though He chooses to act on it or not, then I feel no anger as there isn't a reason to do so.

Those times when I have sensed continued belittlement or disrespect, I have left the relationship.


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RE: Anger & submissives - 9/21/2008 4:58:28 PM   
servantheart


Posts: 960
Joined: 10/26/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lizcgirl
Depends on the situation. My moods usually pass quickly so He might just say 'this is how it is period' and leave it at that, knowing that it really isn't a big deal and I'll get over it in a matter of minutes. If I really feel passionately about it, I make my case. I don't really argue as much as try and explain why I disagree with His decision. He listens, then makes His decision. I don't usually object after that because I feel like I got to say my piece and He gives His reasons for why He chose what He did and I'm satisfied with that. (of course, sometimes His reasoning is simply because He says so. lol) If I get to the point where He can tell I'm going to get really nasty, He just says my name in that 'tone' and I know I'm hurting my case more than helping so I quit. I might pout for a few afterwards but like I said, the mood passes quickly and I know He hates it when I pout so I try not to act like a spoiled child. As long as I feel like He heard my reasonings, even if He decides to do the opposite of what I wanted, I'm fine with that because I trust His judgement.


Our relationship is similar to yours, though at times, my anger doesn't dissipate so quickly.  I have a rule I am to follow when I feel myself getting worked up and about to say something I shouldn't.  I am to tell Him that I need a moment to reflect, basically a time out, to get control of myself.  Generally, He listens to and considers my point of view in all things, so it is rare for me to hold a grudge.  When I find myself heading down that path, I ask myself if Sir was right and if I really have a reason to be holding on to my anger.  Usually the answer is yes and no respectively, so I get over my mistaken self

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RE: Anger & submissives - 9/21/2008 4:59:32 PM   
hejira92


Posts: 2272
Joined: 10/27/2005
From: Palm Beach County, Fl
Status: offline 		Master always listens to my opinions and takes me and my needs into account- He makes the decisions. I do not feel anger or resentment at that fact of nature.
 
Have I ever been angry or hurt? You betcha. But never from a decision He has made. It has happened from my feelings being unintentionally hurt by word or deed. When it has, I have sometimes reacted maturely (ask for permission to discuss something that is bothering me) and sometimes not (shutting down or pouting).
 
Master deals with these (quite rare, actually) situations by sitting me down, insisting I get it all out, listening to every word, and then - before I can work myself up into a verbal frenzy- He has me leave the room so He can think on things.
 
I have discussed here before how I am a verbal, quick thinker and He is a deep, deliberate ponderer.
 
When He has finished deliberating, He calls me back and tells me His conclusions. I have calmed by then and His wisdom in how to handle me has never failed.
 
Now, in 2 1/2 years, this has happened maybe 2 or 3 times. We have never exchanged angry words. He wants me to come to Him if I am unhappy about something. He feels it is His resonsibility to monitor and care for my emotional state. He takes His responsibilities very seriously.
 
His vigilance in this area (I am an emotional- read crazy- woman, after all) is one of the reasons I think we have such a successful D/s relationship.

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