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RE: Masters who wont cum - 9/21/2008 11:11:49 PM

lusciouslips19

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

-fr-

quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19
…..Is this common for a Master to equate cumming with losing control?

I don’t know if it is common but I equate giving a women control of my pleasure and orgasm as “giving control”.

I used to think sex was more important than power until a very intelligent slave taught me otherwise through her wonderfully submissive and wily slave-like ways. She asked me which I would choose if on a first date I had a choice to make my partner cum or orgasm myself instead? I told her I would the make my partner cum. She asked why. I told her it was because it would give me sexual control. At that moment I learned that control was more important than my own sexual gratification.

I desire to give a women the power to please me and make me cum but it takes several days of intense bonding. Usually it takes a 4 day fuck-fest before we are close enough for me to cum for her. The funny thing is that 4 individual dates or days does not do it. I dated someone sporadically for several months before schedules allowed a 4 day consecutive time period. In all the months prior she came more times than I can recall without her ever giving me an orgasm by her own efforts. Then, finally I got my 4 days and we began a mutually rewarding relationship and she spent much of her time there after happily showered or soaking in my sperm… without a 4 day session required as a precursor. Once bonded in the 4 day session, she retained the ability to make me cum.

I have no idea about your guy’s sexual and emotional make up but like me, there may be a boundary you need to cross before he feels free to pass you that control and cum for you.

4 day fuckfest? Hmmmmm Interesting. Now thats an idea thats time has cum!

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RE: Masters who wont cum - 9/21/2008 11:20:10 PM

VivaciousSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

4 day fuckfest? Hmmmmm Interesting. Now thats an idea thats time has cum!

That was terrible!

So why am I laughing? *wry smile*

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RE: Masters who wont cum - 9/21/2008 11:58:13 PM

ElanSubdued

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lusciouslips19,

All the analysis in this thread is seemingly clouding the issue (albeit, I've enjoyed reading the various thoughts about dominance, male sexuality, etc.). You want your Master's cum. For whatever reason, your Master won't give this to you or hasn't yet. I suggest you choose an appropriate time, sit down with your Master, and talk about this. Either he's going to give you his cum or he isn't.

You've said your Master acknowledges this issue is more important to you than to him. So what? The point is it's important to someone. *You* want your Master's cum and that makes the issue important. A relationship is about both people having their needs and desires met, not just one.

I'd avoid communicating your desire with lot's of flowery, BDSM protocol. Instead, just ask in a way that is direct, yet loving and respectful. Example: "Master, it's really important to me to have your cum in my mouth and pussy. You've said this isn't important to you, but it's really, really important to me. Would you be willing to give this to me? It would mean so much to me to have this special part of you inside me."

Afterthought: could it be that there are other issues you've not uncovered, such as concerns about birth control and/or STDs? Whatever the issues are, these are only likely to be resolved with direct communication.

Elan.

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RE: Masters who wont cum - 9/22/2008 12:05:13 AM

lusciouslips19

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ElanSubdued

lusciouslips19,

All the analysis in this thread is seemingly clouding the issue (albeit, I've enjoyed reading the various thoughts about dominance, male sexuality, etc.). You want your Master's cum. For whatever reason, your Master won't give this to you or hasn't yet. I suggest you choose an appropriate time, sit down with your Master, and talk about this. Either he's going to give you his cum or he isn't.

You've said your Master acknowledges this issue is more important to you than to him. So what? The point is it's important to someone. *You* want your Master's cum and that makes the issue important. A relationship is about both people having their needs and desires met, not just one.

I'd avoid communicating your desire with lot's of flowery, BDSM protocol. Instead, just ask in a way that is direct, yet loving and respectful. Example: "Master, it's really important to me to have your cum in my mouth and pussy. You've said this isn't important to you, but it's really, really important to me. Would you be willing to give this to me? It would mean so much to me to have this special part of you inside me."

Afterthought: could it be that there are other issues you've not uncovered, such as concerns about birth control and/or STDs? Whatever the issues are, these are only likely to be resolved with direct communication.

Elan.

I appreciate your thoughts. We have discussed it. It will happen. But not on my time. Keep in mind, we have had penetrative sex,so stds or pregnancy is not an issue. he is smart enough to know lack of cumming does not protect against STDs or pregnancy for that matter.

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RE: Masters who wont cum - 9/22/2008 12:11:28 AM

lusciouslips19

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Really this is not something I am wringing my hands over. My needs are being met in every way. Sexually, mentally, emotionally.

What I am curious about is what cumming or not cumming means to Dominants? Is this conscious or unconscious. Has anyone never cum with a long term partner? If eventually yes, what was the catalyst that made you want to cum? Were you holding it for a special and meaningful occasion?

I know with my master everything has had significance and meaning. He said he wanted to take me on a slow journey and we have not scratched the surface.

< Message edited by lusciouslips19 -- 9/22/2008 12:12:26 AM >

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RE: Masters who wont cum - 9/22/2008 1:04:07 AM

serisa

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how old is he?

has it been a long time since he had a sexual relationship? (think some may give up the sex side for pure BDSM), so perhaps this is the first time for a long time he has wanted to get sexual?, as long as he wants to in time i would say to just wait and be patient, putting pressure on him could make things worse.

You could say you would really like to give him oral sex, the pressure for him to perform will be far less

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RE: Masters who wont cum - 9/22/2008 1:32:48 AM

RapierFugue

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

Really this is not something I am wringing my hands over. My needs are being met in every way. Sexually, mentally, emotionally.

What I am curious about is what cumming or not cumming means to Dominants? Is this conscious or unconscious. Has anyone never cum with a long term partner? If eventually yes, what was the catalyst that made you want to cum? Were you holding it for a special and meaningful occasion?

I know with my master everything has had significance and meaning. He said he wanted to take me on a slow journey and we have not scratched the surface.

A purely personal response; I realise all responses are personal, by definition, but I think it warrants re-stating, otherwise what follows might sound like I’m giving advice, which I wish to make clear I certainly am not, since I don't know you, don't know him, and don't know your relationship.

Your Master’s stance is certainly one I can appreciate, although I wouldn’t take it to the degrees he is with you. With casual play partners I’m generally insistent that they make me cum, on my terms and at my direction, but with those I share a close bond with, and have forged such a bond over time (though not necessarily a long time), I do generally instil a mindset that being allowed to make me cum is a treat that must be earned, not an everyday part of sexual or BDSM contact with me.

What I don’t do is make it anything that would cause friction or unhappiness between myself and my slave/sub … I have withheld it as a punishment though, from time to time, and if that didn’t have any effect as a punishment then I’d say I was seeing the wrong girl.

Going purely on what you’ve written, and naturally handicapped by not knowing him, or you, I’d say that your situation has become something of a power game for him, one he clearly enjoys else he wouldn’t still be taking part, therefore I doubt it’s of any long-term negative significance, even if it’s clearly causing you an element of mild distress in the short-term.

Just my 2d worth

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RE: Masters who wont cum - 9/22/2008 4:05:36 AM

lusciouslips19

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quote:

ORIGINAL: serisa

how old is he?

has it been a long time since he had a sexual relationship? (think some may give up the sex side for pure BDSM), so perhaps this is the first time for a long time he has wanted to get sexual?, as long as he wants to in time i would say to just wait and be patient, putting pressure on him could make things worse.

You could say you would really like to give him oral sex, the pressure for him to perform will be far less

Its not a pressure issue or a performance issue.

< Message edited by lusciouslips19 -- 9/22/2008 4:08:36 AM >

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RE: Masters who wont cum - 9/22/2008 5:07:54 AM

DesFIP

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The more you focus on it, the less he'll be able to do it. I don't think it's you, I do think this has been a problem for him in other relationships. I do think you two need to sit down and talk about the emotions involved in this issue. He needs to know that you're doubting your self worth and you need to know that it isn't you, it's a problem he's had for a long time.

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RE: Masters who wont cum - 9/22/2008 5:36:03 AM

persephonee

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

-fr-

quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19
…..Is this common for a Master to equate cumming with losing control?

I don’t know if it is common but I equate giving a women control of my pleasure and orgasm as “giving control”.

I used to think sex was more important than power until a very intelligent slave taught me otherwise through her wonderfully submissive and wily slave-like ways. She asked me which I would choose if on a first date I had a choice to make my partner cum or orgasm myself instead? I told her I would the make my partner cum. She asked why. I told her it was because it would give me sexual control. At that moment I learned that control was more important than my own sexual gratification.

I desire to give a women the power to please me and make me cum but it takes several days of intense bonding. Usually it takes a 4 day fuck-fest before we are close enough for me to cum for her. The funny thing is that 4 individual dates or days does not do it. I dated someone sporadically for several months before schedules allowed a 4 day consecutive time period. In all the months prior she came more times than I can recall without her ever giving me an orgasm by her own efforts. Then, finally I got my 4 days and we began a mutually rewarding relationship and she spent much of her time there after happily showered or soaking in my sperm… without a 4 day session required as a precursor. Once bonded in the 4 day session, she retained the ability to make me cum.

I have no idea about your guy’s sexual and emotional make up but like me, there may be a boundary you need to cross before he feels free to pass you that control and cum for you.

4 day fuckfest? Hmmmmm Interesting. Now thats an idea thats time has cum!

this girl went to ticketmasterdotcom and looked up the prices on the 4day fuck-fest....it wasnt listed as having any specific dates set up...im wondering if a girl has to join the fan club before hearing about ticket sales and dates?

*wanders off to look for her Dead tee shirts and funky shoes just in case its an outdoor venue.*

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And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

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RE: Masters who wont cum - 9/22/2008 5:50:08 AM

persephonee

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~FR~

i was with two stone butches back in the day and like many women, i was initially overjoyed at the idea that sexual sessions would be all about me and i would be expected to not do most of the things that i would be expected to do in a more cooperative effort. And for a while it was great...until it wasnt. These women had different reasons for their stance as stone...and only had a bit to do with control. Once the initial *yey for me* reaction, sex became empty with them both and i had to end things.

More recently, i have been in situations where the dominant figure declined to come. It was talked about immediatly and i was told that it is a control thing in their cases and that this girl would have to earn it. After reviewing the play tapes, i determined internally that i had in fact earned it...but waited to see when that particular *he* would decide that i had. It eventually was determined that i had earned it...and then some.

i make sure to explain about the stone butches to my more intimate partners so that they understand that due to past experience, i may begin to feel inadequate and unloveable if not allowed to be actively involved in the D's orgasm. i only put the story out so that they know about it...the decision of course is his. Not everyone cares if both parties come...most do...but not everyone. Personally i need to feel as tho i was successful. Sometimes that feeling is too strongly associated with being able to "make" my partner come...which may be the key to your problem as posted. Perhaps it is a matter of him feeling that if he came...that you "made" it happen.

Yannow how some post about a male subs "unsubmissive" behavior immediatly after orgasm? Maybe its the same thing only reversed...perhaps he feels less dominant after coming.

Also important to note that if he is of a certain age or a hereditary background, he may have a medical condition that precludes orgasm. Not so much ED as an inability to come. Prostate issues come to mind.

peace and pleather

perse

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You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

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RE: Masters who wont cum - 9/22/2008 7:11:23 AM

lusciouslips19

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

The more you focus on it, the less he'll be able to do it. I don't think it's you, I do think this has been a problem for him in other relationships. I do think you two need to sit down and talk about the emotions involved in this issue. He needs to know that you're doubting your self worth and you need to know that it isn't you, it's a problem he's had for a long time.

I had a talk about it with him weeks ago. I told him it was bad for my self esteem. But since then I really have let it go. Seroiusly, I decided to enjoy myself. He actually had not done this in other relationships but this is more fully D's than he had in the past. I also think he wants to pleasure me continually without worrying about performance.

I made a choice to not be upset over things that I cant control. I am happy about the fact that he doesnt give in to my every whim. I do get what I want eventually. But not on my time line.

I am more wanting to know what leads a Master to do this?

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RE: Masters who wont cum - 9/22/2008 7:29:15 AM

camille65

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19
I am more wanting to know what leads a Master to do this?

I think you are asking the wrong question. It isn't about Masters doing this.. it is about YOUR Master doing this.
Its like asking everyone why your Master doesn't like peanut butter, 'what does it mean that masters don't like peanut butter?'

If he is enjoying himself then just let it go. I'd bet that if there was a problem with you, he would tell you.

There is no possible way for any of us to know why he does this, the only one who knows is him and he is aware that you want to know.

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RE: Masters who wont cum - 9/22/2008 8:30:25 AM

DomDolf

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It seems to me the OP is getting a lot of "what's wrong with him" type replies. Believe it or not there are some of us "twisted" types out there that fully understand why he would be this way and I commend his mentality. Admittedly because it is so much like mine. I don't believe there is anything wrong with him. The OP is happy apparently and he is too. As any Master would be that is getting everything he wants because "he has (her) right were he wants (her)."

Dolf

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RE: Masters who wont cum - 9/22/2008 8:35:37 AM

lusciouslips19

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DomDolf

It seems to me the OP is getting a lot of "what's wrong with him" type replies. Believe it or not there are some of us "twisted" types out there that fully understand why he would be this way and I commend his mentality. Admittedly because it is so much like mine. I don't believe there is anything wrong with him. The OP is happy apparently and he is too. As any Master would be that is getting everything he wants because "he has (her) right were he wants (her)."

Dolf

I agree with you. There is nothing wrong with him. I gave up feelings of frustration a long time ago. I just wanted to know from other dominants what the mentality is from a masters perspective. Of course, I cant tell people how to respond or tell subs not to respond. I know it usually comes from a place of wanting to help. But really its more of a curiosity to me and I would love to learn about the mind of a Dominant.

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RE: Masters who wont cum - 9/22/2008 8:53:21 AM

LadyHibiscus

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I know it's me saying this, Lushy, and heaven knows I have NO clue what goes on in the minds of men

but I do this kind of thing all the time... I expect my submissives to give me THEIR orgasms, but I withhold mine all the time. It's a power thing, mainly, and for me a trust issue.

When a person has an orgasm, they are displaying a lot of vulnerability, and that is just not something I care to do often, especially in a power exchange situation. I don't feel that I am being diminished, I just don't want to give something away that I feel hasn't been earned in some way. Most of mine never earn it.

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RE: Masters who wont cum - 9/22/2008 9:07:14 AM

lusciouslips19

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quote:

I agree with you. There is nothing wrong with him. I gave up feelings of frustration a long time ago. I just wanted to know

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I know it's me saying this, Lushy, and heaven knows I have NO clue what goes on in the minds of men but I do this kind of thing all the time... I expect my submissives to give me THEIR orgasms, but I withhold mine all the time. It's a power thing, mainly, and for me a trust issue.

When a person has an orgasm, they are displaying a lot of vulnerability, and that is just not something I care to do often, especially in a power exchange situation. I don't feel that I am being diminished, I just don't want to give something away that I feel hasn't been earned in some way. Most of mine never earn it.

I completely understand this pov. But don't you withhold with play partners? This is a love relationship scenario.

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RE: Masters who wont cum - 9/22/2008 9:39:27 AM

KatyLied

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quote:

I completely understand this pov. But don't you withhold with play partners? This is a love relationship scenario.

What does a loving relationship have to do with it? I know sadists who inflict all sorts of harm (mental, emotional, physical) within the bounds of a love relationship.

If the dom has no physical issues (or fetish issues) impeding his orgasm, I would guess that he is just using this as some sort of authority over you.

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RE: Masters who wont cum - 9/22/2008 9:50:56 AM

lusciouslips19

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quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

quote:

I completely understand this pov. But don't you withhold with play partners? This is a love relationship scenario.

What does a loving relationship have to do with it? I know sadists who inflict all sorts of harm (mental, emotional, physical) within the bounds of a love relationship.

If the dom has no physical issues (or fetish issues) impeding his orgasm, I would guess that he is just using this as some sort of authority over you.

I was saying this in reference to some saying it has to be earned or that it is a trust issue. I actually much rather it be a control and authority exerted than a trust issue.

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RE: Masters who wont cum - 9/22/2008 10:02:13 AM

DomDolf

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For me it is authority and control. Trust has to have already been earned to even get to where I am with them intimately. I think it's probably along that line. He hasn't told you he is not trusting you or having a hard time trusting or any semi-vague terminology that would reflect that, correct?

Dolf

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