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Really Unusual Situation - 9/21/2008 5:58:55 PM   
cruelandloving08


Posts: 20
Joined: 9/18/2008
Status: offline 		I have been a practicing member of My own brand of the D/s lifestyle for eight years now, and I have very seldom ever found Myself confronted with a situation in which I was uncertain as to the proper course of action. I have learned to trust My instincts, to help bring out the best in the submissives/slaves who have served Me, and to be open to the possiblity of new ideas. This situation, however, has Me turned on My head. So I thought that I would explain it to the other Masters here, and see if I could use an outside perspective to draw any useful conclusions. Any input that any of you have would be greatly appreciated.

I am currently training a girl who has no prior experience with power-based relationships. It wasn't until I came into her life that she realized how much she enjoyed having someone strong willed around to guide her, to teach her, and to discipline her when (as she occasionally does) she lets her duty to herself, her family, and her friends slide.

I have purposely kept the sexual aspects of a D/s relationship out of it for the first phase of her training. I don't know about anyone else, but My experience has taught Me that a woman should be taught how to please her Master in all ways, and to have her confidence in her abilities built by seeing how much her discipline and obedience please Him, before the deep issues of trust in scening are broached.

My girl made it clear to Me the other day that she wants to share that with Me, and so I told her that we can move to the next phase of her training. She then explained to Me several things that I hadn't known before. She is still a virgin, for one. I am the first man that she has ever felt true passion for, and frankly, it scares the shit out of her. Not just the feelings that it brings with it, but sexual acts themselves, conceptually, are a little scary to her.

This woman is beautiful, intelligent, submissive, caring, attentive, intuitive, and passionate. In short, she would make a wonderful partner, not just for training, but for a long term relationship, and more and more, I find Myself wanting that. But I do not know how to help her get over her fear of her own desire. She has even suggested using restraint as a way of keeping her from panicking, but while consensual force-play arouses Me greatly, the idea of playing out that kind of scene with a genuinely fearful woman is not something I would enjoy.

Does anyone have any ideas as to how I can help her past this? She is frustrated by her own fear, as well, and knows it's a barrier between us that has to be surmounted. I want her to be happy and comfortable, as she makes Me feel all of those things, and more, but while I am a very empathic person and generally find it easy to play the role of counselor, I haven't got any real idea of how to proceed here.

Thanks, and sorry for the novel. *laughs*

Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Really Unusual Situation - 9/21/2008 7:37:08 PM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
Status: offline 		I can only suggest that you find the deepest part of that fear.
 
I was a virgin until age 33.  I was in love with a man who asked me to marry him and I said NO cause of the fear of sex at age 26.
 
When I discovered the seed of my my fear, much later, with therapy...I was like a bird flying free...finally.
 
 

(in reply to cruelandloving08)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Really Unusual Situation - 9/21/2008 7:57:19 PM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		The way you describe her, it doesn't sound like she's had any previous relationship that involved deep emotional interaction. So, without a precedent, we can rule out any attribution of her fear from another involvement of that sort...but (as RealSub58 alluded to) there is a "seed" that it has sprouted from.

I would say that if an introspective mutual talk, delving into her mental/emotional depths, does not yield any solid starting point to address, keep exploring the other areas of her submissiveness around the borderlines of the sexual aspect. At some point, as her trust blossoms, I expect something will trigger and click in her head, prompting a willing yearning for the surrender.

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to RealSub58)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Really Unusual Situation - 9/21/2008 8:38:43 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Well first off- you suck for not having this discussion before now.  You chose to go into a relationship you intentionally knew you wanted to become sexual without having any sort of real question and answer discussion about it.

Secondly, rather than feeding into her fear, try de-mystifying it for her.  Watch porn together, make her laugh over it, encourage her to explore her body, kinky porn websites, read bad porn stories. 

Most things are not a big deal until we make them into one.  So ratchet down the drama, and consider this a great learning experience for both of you.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to NihilusZero)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Really Unusual Situation - 9/21/2008 9:00:50 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		wow.... ok

my advice?  keep going as it is... something is already clicking if she is opening up to you in this manner.  perhaps pushing her now would only make her run?  she seems to want it, badly, from your posts.. and thats all i have to go on....... make her want it more... whatever you are doing is working so far.

tossing in some light sexual play isnt a bad idea either.  setting a scene for romance.. not sex.. romance may help her relax even more.  masturbation of yourselves, with promises of not touching her may help break through that barrier.  soft core porn would be what i would suggest as well.  remember, you have a virgin.. lol... imagine having her watch deep throat... or heavy bondage porn... dont think that may be wise.

but, do keep talking to her about it... continue with the training you are doing.. adding some sexual content.. tantric sex is a wonderful way to go as well... something you both can explore

i do wish you both well and success

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Really Unusual Situation - 9/22/2008 5:23:57 AM   
cruelandloving08


Posts: 20
Joined: 9/18/2008
Status: offline 		Thank you, NihilusZero. We had a long talk the night that this came up, but I think that several more are in order. She really doesn't understand where her fear comes from, but it's impacted her negatively in a lot of ways. I knew her for a while before she began asking Me about My lifestyle, and I think that makes a difference here as well. I don't know, but there's a lot of things that need to be uncovered before we can jump that hurdle.

Actually, LuckyAlbatross, I didn't know at the time that I wanted it to be a physical and emotional relationship as well when all of this began. Unlike a lot of Doms, I enjoy the exploration of power mechanics for their own sake, and at the time, that's as far as any of this was supposed to go. Funny how things never quite go as planned, LOL... I wasn't expecting her to come to Me the way that she did. Still, I found your advice helpful, and will definitely try to lighten things for her; it may be what she needs right now.

Tazzygirl, thank you for your recommendations as well. There are a lot of things that I hadn't thought about before. The situation is a little out of My normal line, LOL. Usually, either a woman wants to be with Me, or she does not, and it doesn't take too long for either her or I to figure that out one way or the other. I have never encountered this kind of fear before, so it was a little difficult to get My head around the concept that someone wanted to serve, but was scared. It's just an unfamiliar mindset; passion is such a pleasant part of My life that, until I was confronted by it, I couldn't really have imagined someone being afraid of it. Learn something new every day. *laughs and shrugs*

I'm really grateful that some of you took the time to respond on this issue. I will be sure to post a follow up, for anyone who is interested, when the issue is resolved one way or the other. It's not going to be an easy road for us, but here's to walking it.

(in reply to tazzygirl)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Really Unusual Situation - 9/22/2008 5:47:46 AM   
tsatske


Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline 		Is she a Xain? There is a wonderful book that might help, if she is - 'intended for pleasure'. there are other Christain books to help virgin brides get ready to transition to a joyful sexual union. Perhaps you can even find one that, even if you are not Christain, does not lay it on too heavy and offend.
There is something called the 'Pless Specific Program for PreOrgasmic Women' that I would recomend if you can locate it. (I've tried, with no luck). My Theripist gave it to me years ago, though I was far from non-Orgasmic. But she had every woman in her Incest Survivors group do this program, as a way of 'reclaiming possesion of our own sexuality'. I think it would work wonderfully here, too, as far as demystifying things. It started with having no sexual contact for 2 weeks - hey, you got that one licked - and then progressed through several levels, first touching yourself, then masterbating to orgasm, then slowly to things that included your partner. You stayed with each activity until you felt comfortable moving to the next.
As a Dom with a serrious kink for training, if you can't find what I am referring to, you may even be able to experiment with writing such a 'course of study'.


_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to cruelandloving08)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Really Unusual Situation - 9/22/2008 6:23:17 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		Well, to me at least, trying to read into this very very complex situation from the little written here, I have red flags going up all over my head from the way you wrote your post.  I'm somewhat concerned that you and she may not even be in the same relationship with each other.  The best advice I have is to go so slowly that you'd need slo-mo cameras to see the progress... then go slower than that.

(in reply to cruelandloving08)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Really Unusual Situation - 9/22/2008 7:00:05 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		I agree with leadership on this one.

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Really Unusual Situation - 9/22/2008 7:15:46 AM   
persephonee


Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cruelandloving08

Thank you, NihilusZero. We had a long talk the night that this came up, but I think that several more are in order. She really doesn't understand where her fear comes from, but it's impacted her negatively in a lot of ways. I knew her for a while before she began asking Me about My lifestyle, and I think that makes a difference here as well. I don't know, but there's a lot of things that need to be uncovered before we can jump that hurdle.

Actually, LuckyAlbatross, I didn't know at the time that I wanted it to be a physical and emotional relationship as well when all of this began. Unlike a lot of Doms, I enjoy the exploration of power mechanics for their own sake, and at the time, that's as far as any of this was supposed to go. Funny how things never quite go as planned, LOL... I wasn't expecting her to come to Me the way that she did. Still, I found your advice helpful, and will definitely try to lighten things for her; it may be what she needs right now.

Tazzygirl, thank you for your recommendations as well. There are a lot of things that I hadn't thought about before. The situation is a little out of My normal line, LOL. Usually, either a woman wants to be with Me, or she does not, and it doesn't take too long for either her or I to figure that out one way or the other. I have never encountered this kind of fear before, so it was a little difficult to get My head around the concept that someone wanted to serve, but was scared. It's just an unfamiliar mindset; passion is such a pleasant part of My life that, until I was confronted by it, I couldn't really have imagined someone being afraid of it. Learn something new every day. *laughs and shrugs*

I'm really grateful that some of you took the time to respond on this issue. I will be sure to post a follow up, for anyone who is interested, when the issue is resolved one way or the other. It's not going to be an easy road for us, but here's to walking it.


A couple words about virgins...older virgins....
im my opinion they tend to build things up into something that its really not ever going to be in their heads. This is something they usually learn after they take the plunge and finally do the thing that they had never done before...later saying...wow, that was not what i thought it was going to be like.

also, as far as youre concerned...if you decide to be her first in any area, be prepared for the emotional responsibility that goes along with that. She will more than likely become very attached to you and feel things this time more intensely than any time in the future. i still have an internal pull toward the man who took my sexual virginity and that was back when dinosaurs roamed and i have had absolutely zero contact with that man for hundreds of years. A first is a first is a first...they are always important in your memory.

she will likely hold others to the bar that you have set as its her only experience. Be as honorable as possible so that when she looks back on her time with you...beit at your 50th wedding anniversary or looking back in her mind as she thinks of long lost past loves...be a good memory. Make her think of you and smile...no matter how it all ends up.

And keep in mind that this particular thing is HER journey...you are a ways to a means...dont overly concern yourself with protecting her...experience is life and no one comes out unscathed. If she experiences feelings that you didnt see coming...try not to take that on yourself as this is her experience...and one she has to reconcile inside herself.

Please dont show her Fashionistas...altho the girl in the first scene of the third movie is my new heroine...some would find her to be a bit extreme. i watched that the other day and couldnt stop sighing...."she has got to be the luckiest girl in the world...." Others might cry and cringe...to each her own.

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to cruelandloving08)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Really Unusual Situation - 9/23/2008 1:38:50 PM   
cruelandloving08


Posts: 20
Joined: 9/18/2008
Status: offline 		Thank you, everyone, for your advice. The situation resolved itself rather suddenly the other night. I had decided to talk to her about things again, and see where she was at, and we started feeling more comfortable, and then I put on a light erotic movie, and at some point she just lost it in a really good way. ~laughs~ It's not exactly what I expected, but I decided that if she wanted to play, and felt comfortable with it, I should probably just shut up and go with it. She's very happy today, and seems a lot more calm and sure of herself, for which I am very grateful. We talked a whole lot more this morning about what happened, and where things will go from here. Don't really know, but she's happy, and I'm happy, so I guess tomorrow will just have to figure itself out. Anyhow, thank all of you for your wonderful input... Now that she is comfortable enough with her own sexuality, she wants to join My account here and learn more on the forums. Does anyone know if you can change an account status that way, or do I have to make a new one? Take care, A/all, and once again, thank you for your perspectives.

(in reply to persephonee)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Really Unusual Situation - 9/23/2008 1:55:55 PM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Well first off- you suck for not having this discussion before now.  You chose to go into a relationship you intentionally knew you wanted to become sexual without having any sort of real question and answer discussion about it.

Secondly, rather than feeding into her fear, try de-mystifying it for her.  Watch porn together, make her laugh over it, encourage her to explore her body, kinky porn websites, read bad porn stories. 

Most things are not a big deal until we make them into one.  So ratchet down the drama, and consider this a great learning experience for both of you.


LA I usully agree with your wisdom for young years, but you didnt read his first line at all.
 
Maybe his style of D/s is not sexual first.  But the ends of a good foundation.
Now she wants to incorporate the sexual with this man and he has far greater concerns in regards to her care and emotions.

You suck for shaming this man and his style, esp his concern for the women he inquires about.   

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Really Unusual Situation - 9/23/2008 2:05:24 PM   
cruelandloving08


Posts: 20
Joined: 9/18/2008
Status: offline 		While I thought that her way of phrasing things was a little rude, RealSub, I didn't feel it was important enough to call her out about it. But I do appreciate your words of support... Being the caring one isn't always easy. It's difficult for someone who is somewhat selfish by nature (and I admit this about Myself) to put the concerns of someone else first, particularly when I don't know what her concerns really are. Thankfully, we figured things out... even if it was by accident. ~laughs~

(in reply to RealSub58)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Really Unusual Situation - 9/23/2008 2:23:25 PM   
cruelandloving08


Posts: 20
Joined: 9/18/2008
Status: offline 		Basically, being dominant means always having to take all of the factors in a given situation or relationship into account. It means being responsible for the safety and psychological comfort of the submissive. It's a wonderful feeling... But it's a hell of a lot of work. ~laughs~

(in reply to cruelandloving08)
Profile   Post #: 14
Really Unusual Situation - 11/14/2008 12:37:03 PM   
thedavezone


Posts: 113
Joined: 12/11/2007
From: South Korea
Status: offline 		I have advised a number of virgins on this matter.  She must know that the first time will probably hurt - she's had nothing in her before (unless there were toys), she may or may not have a hymen - which may break and bleed, and the condom will have chemicals which will burn a little the first time.

The first few times will hurt, but after it will feel wonderful - she must be informed, that's all - preferably by another female.

(in reply to cruelandloving08)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Really Unusual Situation - 11/14/2008 12:42:20 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		While I'm glad that the first time went well, I wouldn't be lulled into the false sense that there isn't still work to be done. 
Best wishes to you both, 
  Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to thedavezone)
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RE: Really Unusual Situation - 11/14/2008 1:08:31 PM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline 		I'm glad that everything went well, though given the fear she had, that came from somewhere and might still be there, maybe therapy might be helpful? Because it could always resurface, such a deep rooted fear as you described doesn't come out of nowhere, I think something must have happened to her at one point in her life.

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to DavanKael)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Really Unusual Situation - 11/14/2008 2:58:05 PM   
AStudyInScarlet


Posts: 79
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		first of all, this isn't at all a really unusual situation. it's completely NORMAL and you should reassure her of that fact. it's a huge step in the first place, but adult virgins especially build it up in their heads over time to where it becomes this really big deal. it sounds like you had a great experience together and as you keep having those, it will become less of a Thing over time and she'll become comfortable with all things sexual. persephonee was right on. my advice would be to approach the first few times as either totally or mostly vanilla and slowly add in power play. most importantly, keep in mind that there's nothing wrong with her and she's 100% normal. and tell her so! i wish her luck and hope it's everything she's imagined.

(in reply to LadyConstanze)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Really Unusual Situation - 11/15/2008 2:40:41 PM   
CruelDesires


Posts: 824
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cruelandloving08

While I thought that her way of phrasing things was a little rude, RealSub, I didn't feel it was important enough to call her out about it. But I do appreciate your words of support... Being the caring one isn't always easy. It's difficult for someone who is somewhat selfish by nature (and I admit this about Myself) to put the concerns of someone else first, particularly when I don't know what her concerns really are. Thankfully, we figured things out... even if it was by accident. ~laughs~


I considered the phrasing a bit over the top also. *shrugs*

Anyway. It sounds as if you are doing the right thing. Do not stop the communication AND the exploration. You seem to have things well in hand by your actions as well as by your concerns. :-)

C-D

_____________________________

Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself.
Lois McMaster Bujold, "A Civil Campaign", 1999

(in reply to cruelandloving08)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Really Unusual Situation - 11/15/2008 6:56:32 PM   
greeneyedreamer


Posts: 442
Joined: 6/20/2007
Status: offline 		Glad things went well, my advice is still to move slowly, building on things. Also, i may keep things in the vanilla realm a bit before getting too much into any kink. Just IMO.

Dreamer

_____________________________

Dreamer, owned and ecstatically happy

I am still learning... Michelangelo, age 87

Maybe some women weren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they are suppose to run wild until they find someone just as wild to run with. Sex and the City

(in reply to CruelDesires)
Profile   Post #: 20
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