I need some help... (Full Version)

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UnknowingMaster -> I need some help... (9/23/2008 11:33:26 AM)

As some of you have already helped my wife (Slave2Him221), I thought it might be a good idea to post on here some of my problems. I love her and want to do/try things that make her happy. If this is something that she wants to try, I am willing to try as well. If it turns into something more, that is for the future to hold. Hopefully yall can help.

Coming from a completely vanilla point of view, having never even thought about any of this, I find the concept of being a master hard. I can understand the basic description of a master, but when it comes to rewards or punishments, it tends to become a little clouded. I understand that if I want something or order her to do something, she must do it or she will be punished. At the same time, if she does something well, she will be rewarded. The problem that I have is, how do I punish her... And reward? I definitely understand that we need to work things in after I have stabilized from my return home from Iraq... She provided me a link to her thread. I do not know if I am completely comfortable with a 24/7 M/s marriage, but if it works into that to where we are both comfortable, then I am not opposed. She has expressed the desire to only do it in private, but how far into the public would one take it? Only to where she is comfortable? I can read site after site, or book after book, but it will not compare to being there in person.

I think it just boils down to I need help in becoming a Master. I believe that I have the attitude to be a Master, especially after being in the Army. She thinks that I have the personality for being one. All I want is to be a gracious and loving Master that will be fair and protect her. Any suggestions or comments?



slimon62 -> RE: I need some help... (9/23/2008 11:39:00 AM)

i think i read her post as well the other day.  i also understand where you are coming from..but not everyone woke up in the morning to become a good Dom.  it takes time, trial and error.  take your time...start with simple things.  no need to jump right in and feel like you failed and never truely get to experiance this wonderful lifestyle.  just remember, punishment doesn't have to be anything physical...but a look, or a gesture.  rewards are the same, something that she really enjoys can be a reward.  even if it is sittind down with her and watching her favorite movie with her even though you can't stand it.  ofcourse there are endless possibilities to both punishment and rewards.  take your time and get comfortable with it, that seems the most important!  oh and enjoy too!



RealSub58 -> RE: I need some help... (9/23/2008 11:53:30 AM)

I do have a question.....  she seems to have done alot more research than you have and ...so are you doing the same?
 
Why not dominant/subnmissive?
Why Master/slave?
 
I am not much for labels, so I think you both need to stop and examine what terms and definations are first and foremost.
That is what my dom and I did....examined definations....
 
http://www.submissiveloving.com/

Many sites are informative and go into great detail esp if someone knows a bunch....  Try the one above for basics.
 
Good luck.



UnknowingMaster -> RE: I need some help... (9/23/2008 12:12:48 PM)

Research is a bit of a challenege. I am currently deployed to Iraq, so I only have limited amounts of internet and whatever literature that she sends me. As for the Master/Slave question... That is the one that she desires to try, so I am going with that. I will research the definitions when I get an opportunity to. I know that once I return home, I will definitely do more research, and will have the trial and error aspect to learn by as well.

Thanks for the help slimon. I will definitely brainstorm to see if I can come up with anything else. Any suggestions for long distance rewards or punishments?



slimon62 -> RE: I need some help... (9/23/2008 12:15:47 PM)

well...heres an idea..have her take a nice bath as a reward....just time for her to relax with you on her mind.  simple, easy to do.  then ask her to write you an email or even tell you what she was thinking about in great detail.  i know being so far away it is nice to hear from your loved ones.  as for punishment..well i'm sure you can think of something =)



FRSguy -> RE: I need some help... (9/23/2008 12:51:48 PM)

Reward and punishment isnt really all that hard and there are tons of stuff writen about it in variouse sites and forums.  Just think with your brain and not your heart or your dick....lol.  Make sure she understands your expectations clearly. Learn what works and dosnt work what she likes dosnt like. Read slave blogs because they often times contain the information that you wont get on public posting sites. You really have to get to know your slave incredibly well so have fun and be creative and as you gain experience things like what to do for punishment will come naturally. 



Worldly1 -> RE: I need some help... (9/23/2008 1:09:27 PM)

First of all, congratulations for asking for advice. Too few do that.

I have a couple of suggestions that might give you some food for thought.

Although your wife may want a M/s relationship, they don't happen overnight. Perhaps just using the term 'Master' is putting additional pressure on you to be a 'Master' of something or many things, whereas it's something you're still working at becoming. You could refer to yourself as a Dominant for a while, because it's easier to Dominate than it is to Master. You will know in your heart when you wish to be called 'Master'. Don't let anyone rush you into being something until you are ready. All Masters are Doms, but not all Doms are Masters. Make sense?

Also, in my humble opinion, the #1 obligation of a submissive is to obey. Period. She wants and needs to do this. The very act of obedience is what is pleasing to this Dominant.

You, as a Dominant, have a few obligations to your submissive that do not require a great deal of study.

1. Do your best to protect her from harm and from conflict.
2. Nurture her and encourage her as a human being.
3. Ensure that she feels treasured, adored and loved.
4. Provide loving dominance by creating a structure for her behavior.

Because of the distance between you right now, you could require some simple things of your girl that you normally would not require if you were together, but at the present it gives her something to do for you, and it also serves to keep you informed about her daily life.

-reports on what she eats
-reports on what she wears
-reports on what she watches on TV
-reports on when she masturbates

For rewards, keep it simple. As suggested by someone else, a luxurious bubble bath. For some, a simple 'You have pleased me' is a huge reward.

For punishment, also keep it simple and tolerable. After all, at this stage you want to encourage open dialogue and honesty. Perhaps deny the use of her vibrator or deny orgasm for 48 hours. Then permit orgasm again and have her write a report about the punishment and the orgasms afterward.

I have a few suggestions for you when you are ready or wanting to move in the direction of being a Master, but I won't go there until you say you are ready to learn.

Good luck!




leadership527 -> RE: I need some help... (9/23/2008 4:25:34 PM)

I'll offer up a few thoughts, take them as you will..
  1. In terms of what, exactly, you need to do... here's the cheat sheet.
    1. Figure out what she wants.  Not just what she wants out of the whole master/slave gig, but what she wants in general.  When she thinks of "slave", what does that mean to her?  What would she like her marriage to look like?  How about her life outside of your scope (job, schooling, hobbies, friends, etc. etc.).  Talk a lot.  Keep good notes.
    2. Figure out what you want (see above)
    3. Form a synthesis of those two things.  Review same with her.  Adjust as required.
    4. Begin issuing commands designed to steer your joint life together towards that synthesized vision.

  2. Some things to remember
    1. Slow is good.  Start out with only very limited areas/types of control and nothing flashy.  Have her cook you a certain dinner.  Prepare a drink for you, that sort of thing.  Toss in some relatively safe sexual things.  Extend control slowly outwards from there.
    2. For any group of people (you two in this case) there is a maximum rate of adoption of change that applies.  Don't crowd that boundary.  There is no prize for going fast but there is a fairly steep penalty for going too fast.
    3. Since you're already married, the whole "my way or the highway" thing probably won't work out for you.  I'd avoid it like the plague.
    4. Remember that while you're the Master, that does not mean that it's all about you.  She still has needs, wants, and desires.  Those still must be fulfilled.  The only difference now is that it is YOU who chooses when and how they are fulfilled.  Failing to fulfill them will get you exactly the results you'd anticipate.
    5. Self-discipline is good.  Remember that the less she says "no" to you, the more you must say it to yourself.  SOMEONE has to be thinking about her and her needs.  If it's not her, then it better be you.

Worldy had some great advice about ways to extend control remotely...  See post #6



Hekatonkheires -> RE: I need some help... (9/23/2008 4:41:06 PM)

Man, you chose the right day to pose your question. Many of voices of reason here to offer their wise suggestions. I think we all see your interest to succeed, and it looks like you have what it takes.

For what its worth, I've never seen a rule or guideline anywhere that says you need to get it perfectly right the first time. If you're both eager and willing, you'll find the way that works for both of you.



masterofdrkness2 -> RE: I need some help... (9/23/2008 4:48:31 PM)

first off let me say this .. Thank you for your service to our country , now to the meat and bones of your post ...from what I am reading there will be only 2 people involved in this relationship , and those are the only 2 people that can decide what is best for each other .. you can work on this while you are still deployed and have some basic ground rules set for when you get home , or you can wait till you can sit down face to face and work out the details either way take it slow , you or her can do a search for a bdsm check list and fill this out while you are away .. this will  help set  limits or some thing that may intrigue one or the other . as for reward and punishment .....rewards can be as simple as a kiss on the fore head or as elaborate as  you see fit.. punishment is the same ..one thing to remember there is no rule book for this type of relationship.. you 2 need to make it fit  you .. not what anyone else thinks or believes.  I can go on and on  .... but I will keep it simple here.. It  all comes down to what works for the 2 of you ... feel free to c-mail me at any time ...I will be glad to help all I can.. come home safe  and tell all the soldiers  over there with you... Thank You .



kyraofMists -> RE: I need some help... (9/23/2008 4:55:31 PM)

Just a thought....

Just because one person has all the authority within the relationship does not mean that there has to be a reward/punishment structure.  It might be beneficial to do a little reading on the effectiveness of rewards/punishments in actually correcting improper behavior.

I have a relationship where he has complete authority over everything that I do, but he does not believe in rewards and punishments.  He prefers different methods to correct poor behavior.

If you are not comfortable with rewards and punishments, then you don't have to have them as a part of the relationship.

Knight's Kyra



DesFIP -> RE: I need some help... (9/23/2008 5:01:25 PM)

You take it as far as you are comfortable, not her. If she wants to be paraded through the mall on a leash and you don't want to do anything like that, then she gets to submit to your desires and behave with the manners you deem appropriate for the time and place.

I'm assuming, because you're married, that your morals and ethics are pretty much common without any glaring disagreements. That by itself will help.

Beyond that, don't make any decisions now. I know of one man, who was married and master for over 5 years who came back and announced there was to be no more D/s. He couldn't handle it at all for over six months and even then it became much milder. I know of another who came back and started very edgy play including waterboarding. The situation you are in is so stressful, that you don't know now what you will want afterwards.

The best way she can serve you now is not get you all upset about fulfilling her secret desires. Especially if those desires didn't surface until you were deployed. Because it's possible that her present craving for this is a response to her missing you and fears of losing you. Agree not to make any permanent decisions until you've been home at least six months.



mstrj69 -> RE: I need some help... (9/23/2008 5:52:21 PM)

Have you noticed any commonality in the suggestions and how they can relate to husband and wife and how you would want to take care of her as her husband.  The only difference is she is throwing it back to the husband and wife relationships of the 1950's and 1940's or before and not the 2000's where both have to work for a living and do not have the freedom to spend as much time together as you would like.  As for punishments, some have been mentioned but I would toss in you can say she can not watch her favorite tv program that week.  Id all boils down to what is the best way to change her behavior so she is doing what you feel is the best for her.  She probably knows that better than anybody except possibly her parents.
  Good luck to the two of you.



MadRabbit -> RE: I need some help... (9/23/2008 6:19:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

I'll offer up a few thoughts, take them as you will..
  1. In terms of what, exactly, you need to do... here's the cheat sheet.
    1. Figure out what she wants.  Not just what she wants out of the whole master/slave gig, but what she wants in general.  When she thinks of "slave", what does that mean to her?  What would she like her marriage to look like?  How about her life outside of your scope (job, schooling, hobbies, friends, etc. etc.).  Talk a lot.  Keep good notes.
    2. Figure out what you want (see above)
    3. Form a synthesis of those two things.  Review same with her.  Adjust as required.
    4. Begin issuing commands designed to steer your joint life together towards that synthesized vision.

  2. Some things to remember
    1. Slow is good.  Start out with only very limited areas/types of control and nothing flashy.  Have her cook you a certain dinner.  Prepare a drink for you, that sort of thing.  Toss in some relatively safe sexual things.  Extend control slowly outwards from there.
    2. For any group of people (you two in this case) there is a maximum rate of adoption of change that applies.  Don't crowd that boundary.  There is no prize for going fast but there is a fairly steep penalty for going too fast.
    3. Since you're already married, the whole "my way or the highway" thing probably won't work out for you.  I'd avoid it like the plague.
    4. Remember that while you're the Master, that does not mean that it's all about you.  She still has needs, wants, and desires.  Those still must be fulfilled.  The only difference now is that it is YOU who chooses when and how they are fulfilled.  Failing to fulfill them will get you exactly the results you'd anticipate.
    5. Self-discipline is good.  Remember that the less she says "no" to you, the more you must say it to yourself.  SOMEONE has to be thinking about her and her needs.  If it's not her, then it better be you.


Worldy had some great advice about ways to extend control remotely...  See post #6


What he said. Leadership527 is probably the best guy on these forums to listen to as far as turning a committed relationship from egalitarian to power based. Far more than I could ever offer...



ResidentSadist -> RE: I need some help... (9/23/2008 6:37:54 PM)

Try checking some of the reading material in the BDSM Book List.  You say you are coming from a completely vanilla point of view so I recommend “The Surrendered Wife” as it takes about mechanics of and gives relationship exercises for submission and dominance without any of the BDSM jargon. 



UnknowingMaster -> RE: I need some help... (9/25/2008 12:23:57 PM)

Thank you everyone for the help. Just by reading this it has helped alot. Thank you to those that support us over here. I will definitely be taking everyones advice. I will also definitely take advantage of the help offered. Thanks again.



Jeptha -> RE: I need some help... (9/30/2008 12:09:57 PM)

Some kinds of rewards are pretty easy; they can be the little things that we all (ok - many of us; I certainly don't want to try to appear to be speaking for all...) should do more often, like telling our mate we appreciate and love them, and giving physical contact, kisses, pets, massages, etc. Saying the things we think are great about them.
We can tie rewards to behavior by offering positive feedback while the behavior is occurring (or immediately after.)

Punishments I'm not as familiar with.
I'm not part of an M/s dynamic (though I'm intrigued by it).

I have noticed, though, that what starts out as play can take on extra dimensions over time, as I become more experienced, and my partner becomes more accustomed to it.
It's like anything that you do together.
Ok - this might be a silly example, but it popped into my brain first, so here goes;
Suppose you take up tobogganing together.
You start on the bunny slopes, but as you become more practiced and accustomed, you try other places together, taking on new challenges, expanding your limits.
Something like spanking can be like this - it can begin as something you do for your pleasure, at your pleasure, and then expand to take on extra depth and dimension over time.

Again, this is coming from someone who is motivated mostly by having a sadistic bent, not real M/s experience, so I'm not sure how this would relate to the concept of punishment.

But; if I were to have an opportunity to explore a M/s relationship, I would probably start slowly and playfully, and see where my interests went and how things developed.



Robinr57 -> RE: I need some help... (9/30/2008 2:23:54 PM)

I agree --

We have a reading list posted at http://www.backdrop.net/sm-201/index.php?title=Reading_List 

http://www.sm-201. org is 4,100 article wikipedia based online resource site about BD-DS-SM, fetishes and BDSM history



LadyPact -> RE: I need some help... (9/30/2008 6:39:42 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
The best way she can serve you now is not get you all upset about fulfilling her secret desires. Especially if those desires didn't surface until you were deployed. Because it's possible that her present craving for this is a response to her missing you and fears of losing you. Agree not to make any permanent decisions until you've been home at least six months.

I'm afraid I'm going to disagree with this.  For one, I don't think she's upsetting him with it.  I think he's maybe nervous thinking about this new territory, but that's far from upset.

Speaking as a military wife, I can promise you something for Me.  When they are deployed, one of the best things they can ever hear about from home are the desires.  Whether that's sex, or BDSM, or just about anything else.  It helps to keep them connected.  It gives them the reassurance that they are still that object of their SO's desires.  You'd be surprised how important that is while they are gone.

As to the OP, I'd also like to thank you for serving your country.  Not enough people remember to be thankful for that anymore.

The advice I'm giving you is the same as I gave to another who is in a similiar situation.  I understand the research hurdles.  I'm glad you're able to access this site.  There really is some good information here.  No, we don't always agree on it, but anytime someone posts a link here, you should still be able to view it.

One key thing you mentioned was having your wife/slave being able to send you written material.  There are two folks here who have excellent book lists.  One is ResidentSadist (above) and the other is MasterFireMaam.   It would be My suggestion that you ask either of them what they recommend.  I see RS did suggest one title above.  If it were Me, I'd be asking if he might suggest one or two more.

While this might be a passing phase for your wife while you are away, her way to still feel structure and connection while you are gone, it might also not be.  This might be what she really wants.  I'm so very happy to see you be willing to give it a try.  You have no idea of how many people wish they had that so badly.    It shows a lot of love, commitment, and character on your part.

Come home soon.  Come home safe.



Rule -> RE: I need some help... (10/1/2008 12:55:51 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: UnknowingMaster
when it comes to rewards or punishments, it tends to become a little clouded. I understand that if I want something or order her to do something, she must do it or she will be punished.
Why?
 
A slave is a tool, serving any purpose - within the limits of her capabilities - that you want her to have - like, say you want her to run for Office or to become a mathematician. Whether she is a simple tool or a sophisticated tool is up to you. Abandon the idea that you have to force her to do something, using punishments. That will only cause stress. What you must guard against is the free woman manifesting in her. If it does, command it to go away. If it does not go away, you might make it sufficiently uncomfortable that it does depart - but it will depart only provided that it is sure that you will protect and direct the slave to her best interests.
 
Are you - and is she - sure that she is a natural slave?



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