How shy is too shy?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

How shy is too shy?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> How shy is too shy?

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

How shy is too shy? - 9/25/2008 9:41:02 PM

mypassion

Posts: 13
Joined: 9/5/2008
Status: offline

Ok so here the deal. I've recently began talking to a Dom/Switch couple (most of my interactions have been with the Dom at this point).... Thru CM, the phone and finally in person.... Our first and only meet was at their house warming party. And while I enjoyed being there and the little bit of play that did take place later in the night. I am extremely shy. And while my shyness eased a bit as the night went along the minute we began to even consider any sort of play... At the moment or even in the future.... My shyness erupted again in full force. While I did enjoy myself and believe that they did as well it was very obvious that they were holding back because of it. I must say that I did appreciate it but at the same time I feel that I am being extremely shy. Perhaps too shy. And while I did warn them that I am naturally that way. I am worried that they were possibly put off by the extent of it. So I'd like to ask....

1. How shy is too shy?

3. Besides getting trashed does anybody have any advice on getting over my shyness?

Thanks,
passion

Post #: 1

RE: How shy is too shy? - 9/25/2008 9:47:28 PM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

If you're already feeling concerned because you think it's deterring you from enjoying time with them more thoroughly, there's nothing to worry about. From what you say, they seemed perfectly content being gentle with you. As long as you can openly relate to them that you enjoy(ed) time with them, there won't be any mixed messages.

Your shyness will proportionally wane as your comfort and trust grow (especially when you're already being attentive to it). No need to rush.

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to mypassion)

Post #: 2

RE: How shy is too shy? - 9/25/2008 10:04:33 PM

MrRodgers

Posts: 10542
Joined: 7/30/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mypassion

Ok so here the deal. I've recently began talking to a Dom/Switch couple (most of my interactions have been with the Dom at this point).... Thru CM, the phone and finally in person.... Our first and only meet was at their house warming party. And while I enjoyed being there and the little bit of play that did take place later in the night. I am extremely shy. And while my shyness eased a bit as the night went along the minute we began to even consider any sort of play... At the moment or even in the future.... My shyness erupted again in full force. While I did enjoy myself and believe that they did as well it was very obvious that they were holding back because of it. I must say that I did appreciate it but at the same time I feel that I am being extremely shy. Perhaps too shy. And while I did warn them that I am naturally that way. I am worried that they were possibly put off by the extent of it. So I'd like to ask....

1. How shy is too shy?

3. Besides getting trashed does anybody have any advice on getting over my shyness?

Thanks,
passion

Young lady, just go out there and wing it. The more you do...the more you will feel comfortable with your partners and yourself. Soon...you will be shy no more.

(in reply to mypassion)

Post #: 3

RE: How shy is too shy? - 9/25/2008 11:50:51 PM

VivaciousSub

Posts: 446
Joined: 9/7/2008
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

quote:

1. How shy is too shy?

3. Besides getting trashed does anybody have any advice on getting over my shyness?

1. "Too shy", in my book, is when you are so afraid to make a move due to your worries on how others perceive you that you don't interact with people. That hampers the forward motion of your life and prevents you from getting what you want/need. That said, the fact that you are actively talking to this couple and have even been to meet them in person - all the while letting them know how you feel - you're not too shy! Reserved, perhaps, but not deathly shy. I used to be deathly shy many moons ago. See below for details.

2. I had to put this here cause I'm vaguely OCD like that.

3. Go somewhere important and make a total fool of yourself. That's what I did. First day of my first "real" veterinary course, I ran into the hall late and fell all the way down the stairs, landing in front of my elderly professor who, much to my surprise, did not immediately die of a heart attack. Then stand up, dust yourself off, take a bow and receive your stunt scores from all your friends sitting in the front row. After that, I had no shame and all was well.

< edited for redundancy redundancy>

< Message edited by VivaciousSub -- 9/26/2008 12:08:55 AM >

_____________________________

9.8m/s^2 + VivaciousSub + ground = ouchx10^9th

To yield readily--easily--to the persuasion of a friend is no merit.... To yield without conviction is no compliment to the understanding of either. ~ Pride and Prejudice

(in reply to mypassion)

Post #: 4

RE: How shy is too shy? - 9/26/2008 12:23:33 AM

TabrisMaceth

Posts: 190
Joined: 9/23/2008
From: The Ghost Matrix
Status: offline

As one shy newbie to another...yeah, I'm with VivaciousSub. Make a complete ass of yourself. Heck, I've been doing that myself around here! And since no one's actually seeing or hearing me as I go about my fits of random nonsense, the embaressment's considerly less than it would be in real life.
Another thing you might wanna try is making some friends you can talk on the phone with. In theory, at least, it'll help ween you into face-to-face human interaction. Then again, you actually met people offline, so your social phobias are less crippling than mine. Good for you!

-Tabris

_____________________________

I don't like hand baskets. Everything's always going to Hell in them.

(in reply to VivaciousSub)

Post #: 5

RE: How shy is too shy? - 9/26/2008 1:27:01 AM

DMFParadox

Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
Status: offline

Shyness exists to cover for real or percieved faults in character, or to prevent danger from social circumstances. If you feel ugly, you are shy; if you feel ignorant, or socially inept, or simply out of place, then the instinct kicks in. Back up 1,000 years, and that shyness probably saved your ancestress's life. Today, it generally works against you, and you probably--but not always--need to overcome it.

You have to break out of your shyness in order to remedy these faults of perception. A girl that's considered overweight or with other features that make her less pretty, but is otherwise vivacious, generous, and outgoing in character, can be considered beautiful. A girl that out of shyness puts up a defensive shield can be considered ugly. the opposite is also true; being too intrusive can be unattractive, and a sub being reserved can be seductive to some types of people, including me. To cure ignorance, you must break out of shyness and ask, or take a chance and test the waters.

There are cases where shyness is the correct emotion to feel. Try to figure out if you're in one; if it is better to sit back and wait for the right moment to act, or if that time is now--or past--and you must overcome it and, for better or worse, be judged. Of course, you will be if you are shy or not, so why not make the best of it?

This probably didn't help directly, but there is no simple answer to when shy is too shy.

As for suggestions on overcoming shyness, I would say to the couple that you want to do that, but slowly, and see how they handle it. You might get lucky, and add a dimension to your relationship with them that wouldn't have existed if you'd already been completely comfortable with things.

_____________________________

bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight

"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

(in reply to TabrisMaceth)

Post #: 6

RE: How shy is too shy? - 9/26/2008 4:37:43 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

Im totaly against the making a fool of yourself. People will get the perception that your an idiot. Nihilus Zero gave you some good advice.

(in reply to DMFParadox)

Post #: 7

RE: How shy is too shy? - 9/26/2008 4:39:49 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

Im totaly against the making a fool of yourself. People will get the perception that your an idiot.

now ya tell me

Holly de Idiot

_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 8

RE: How shy is too shy? - 9/26/2008 4:42:34 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

Im totaly against the making a fool of yourself. People will get the perception that your an idiot. Nihilus Zero gave you some good advice.

Pffffffffffttttttttttt!!!!!!! I am totally FOR making a food of yourself!!! If you do it yourself........no one else can.

Think about that for a few.

Edited to add........getting totally trashed would not be the way to do it. If someone new came to me totally trashed, they would get tossed out like yesterday's trash. Just saying.........

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 9/26/2008 4:45:01 AM >

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 9

RE: How shy is too shy? - 9/26/2008 4:45:25 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

there is a great deal of truth in this. Think of laughing at yourself when you do something silly...if you are laughing at yourself everyone else will laugh WITH you as opposed to AT you.

_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 10

RE: How shy is too shy? - 9/26/2008 5:02:43 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

Holly, you are so darn smart. That is exactly what I meant.

I know I am a big goober sometimes, and I am totally cool with that. I laugh at myself. I don't get upset when others laugh with me, AT me. I also give others alot of friendly shit about their goofiness. Life is just too short and full of comedy to try and take it all too seriously.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to sirsholly)

Post #: 11

RE: How shy is too shy? - 9/26/2008 5:08:13 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

Holly and La Tigresse

Am I being sarcastic

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 12

RE: How shy is too shy? - 9/26/2008 6:05:56 AM

OttersSwim

Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline

You know, a certain amount of shyness can be very endearing and sweet. I would not be so fast to strip it all away from yourself. It is part of who you are after all.

What you want to avoid is paralysis due to your shyness, and make sure that those that you interact with know your real feelings and desires even if you are too shy to communicate them directly - send email, snail mail, on phone, etc. And yes, if you find yourself in a moment where communication directly with them is required, you are gonna have to step up and just say how you feel.

People can perceive shyness or they can perceive arrogance or standoffishness depending on your body language and factors of circumstance - if you are feeling shy, watch to see if those you are interacting with are mistakenly perceiving it as arrogance and if so, communicate to them as best you can that you are feeling very shy, are having a good time, etc.

Hope that helps!

_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

(in reply to mypassion)

Post #: 13

RE: How shy is too shy? - 9/26/2008 6:44:19 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

I'm a believer that you should be what you are as much as possible. Obviously, anger issues and other negative behaviors should be dealt with, but shyness isn't a problem.

quote:

ORIGINAL: mypassion

I am worried that they were possibly put off by the extent of it.

Let's get this straight. They're planning to see you again (I assume), and they were willing to work with you at the pace which you felt comfortable. The only issue is what YOU think that THEY are feeling.

If it really troubles you, ask them if that's an issue for them. But one of the great things about being a submissive is that Doms are responsible for telling you what they want. It's not your responsibility to worry about what they may want but haven't told you.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to mypassion)

Post #: 14

RE: How shy is too shy? - 9/26/2008 7:00:14 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

You can try explaining that you are feeling shy and trying to get over it. Sometimes people can sense reticence, or holding back, without seeing down to the cause of it. In a situation like the one that you described you could simply say, "I'm sorry. I tend to get shy. Please understand that I am interested but I may need your help to get past the shyness." Then they know that you are trying.

_____________________________

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 15

RE: How shy is too shy? - 9/26/2008 7:01:38 AM

CruelDesires

Posts: 824
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline

Being too shy to me is when you look back at what you do or didnt do out of shyness and kick yourself later for not doing those things. When that becomes a common occurance, then you are too shy because you are missing out on things you could have experianced.

Doing it once or twice and realizing your error and correcting that behavior is a good thing. Continiously missing out on things because of it is not.

C-D

_____________________________

Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself.
Lois McMaster Bujold, "A Civil Campaign", 1999

(in reply to mypassion)

Post #: 16

RE: How shy is too shy? - 9/26/2008 7:23:09 AM

marieToo

Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline

Like you, I'm shy, and I'm also modest in my nudity and a bit inhibited in my sexuality. And like you, I always make this clear up front just in case it's going to put someone off. So far it hasn't chased anyone off. On the contrary I've had doms who actually enjoyed and "used" this aspect of my personality to both our benefits. Depending on the particular chemistry between yourself and the couple, this could actually be something positive and something that the couple appreciates about you.

I would also echo what NihilusZero said, which I think was right on the money. Take comfort in the idea that as you evolve with them you will likely become less shy. In my own experiences, as a relationship endures I become more comfortable and more able to "let go", but it happens gradually for me. My suggestion: Enjoy the progression of it all and view it as something positive, instead of beating yourself up over something that likely isn't bothering your partners in the least.

_____________________________

marie.

I give good agita.

(in reply to mypassion)

Post #: 17

RE: How shy is too shy? - 9/26/2008 7:25:08 AM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

All I know is that when I first came to the US, way back in the '80s, I was terminally shy, and I ended up in a career where that would have stopped me from achieving anything - back in Europe it matters less than it does here, where in my warped view kids get taught bulldog tactics in kindergarten. So I just pushed myself, I actively sought situations where I had to overcome the shyness, and I taught myself to push, to attack, to get in someone's face.

If it helps you, you don't actually, at least in my experience, get over the shyness - I am as shy today as I was thirty years ago. It is just that I have taught myself to cope with it, and developed and learned techniques to function as I wish.

You're seeking out situations that you couldn't handle with the shyness, so you're doing just fine. Just get an appropriate sticker for your fridge door, and look at it every day. Mine is a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt:

"Do one thing every day that scares you".

And I do. She musta been shy, I reckon

(in reply to mypassion)

Post #: 18

RE: How shy is too shy? - 9/26/2008 11:05:03 AM

Jeptha

Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline

quote:

What you want to avoid is paralysis due to your shyness, and make sure that those that you interact with know your real feelings and desires even if you are too shy to communicate them directly - send email, snail mail, on phone, etc. And yes, if you find yourself in a moment where communication directly with them is required, you are gonna have to step up and just say how you feel.

People can perceive shyness or they can perceive arrogance or standoffishness depending on your body language and factors of circumstance - if you are feeling shy, watch to see if those you are interacting with are mistakenly perceiving it as arrogance and if so, communicate to them as best you can that you are feeling very shy, are having a good time, etc.

Otterswim makes the points I was going to try to make; "too shy" is when it interfers with the communication process.

In that case, you have to make sure that your message is still getting through somehow. E-mail is great for that. Sometimes shy people don't understand that the impression they give is not at all what they intended; they may appear disinterested, aloof, etc. Explaining how you feel (that you are shy, how you handle that) can be very helpful. It can help others know to check in with you if they aren't "reading" you easily.

I tend to disagree with the "make a fool of yourself" advice, too. I've made a fool of myself intentionally and just got my ass kicked even more for it, so it doesn't always work to your advantage.

It's the same reason that I often disagree with that bit of advice "what you will regret is not what you did, but what you did not do"
I look all around me and see the results of bad decisions that people actually decided to do.
Sorry to be a downer, but there are few aphorisms you can really live your life by.

< Message edited by Jeptha -- 9/26/2008 11:09:48 AM >

(in reply to OttersSwim)

Post #: 19

RE: How shy is too shy? - 9/26/2008 11:48:05 AM

FRSguy

Posts: 653
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline

ORIGINAL: mypassion

1. How shy is too shy? When you daily life is effected or you have anxiety attacks.

3. Besides getting trashed does anybody have any advice on getting over my shyness?
    Being shy is more of a defense mechanism related to trust. If you work on your trust
    issues and self esteme issues the shy issues will fall into place. Sometimes being shy
     is a really good and apropriet thing.

(in reply to mypassion)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> How shy is too shy?

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094