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Warmth and Dominance? - 9/27/2008 11:41:02 PM

MischiefSF

Posts: 17
Joined: 11/4/2005
Status: offline

When I peruse Domme's profiles they often seem very cold and austere. (Yes this is a generalization and yes of course all generalizations have exceptions.) Many of them seem to portray themselves to view subs as worthless pieces of junk, whose submission will be tolerated if and only if the worthless sub is lucky and grovels enough.

My questions: is this portrayal simply a role being played or is this how you actually interact with and perceive subs? Wouldn't it irk you that your sub had no self worth? Is one expected to begin an interaction with you from a place of absolute submission knowing absolutely nothing about you? Do you expect your subs to have no needs of their own whatsoever and relate with you entirely on your terms and your whims? Do you allow yourself to be warm, caring, and kind to your subs?

A Domme who is completely cold and uncaring doesn't interest me. In all of my experience the Dommes who have been able to really make me fly have had a warm and loving side as well as one that is more stern. I will only submit to someone whom I feel respects me for who I am as a human being. Otherwise I will not feel safe, which I feel is the hingepin of good D/s play. I am every bit as concerned with whether or not a Domme deserves my submission as they are with whether or not I deserve their Domination. Regardless of the fact that I may be in the submissive role, I believe my feelings, wants, needs, and boundaries are every bit as important as a Domme's, and that I have every right to assert myself.

What do you folks think about this?

-Mischief

Post #: 1

RE: Warmth and Dominance? - 9/28/2008 1:02:52 AM

Usako

Posts: 697
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline

It's funny, I was talking about this just a little while ago on my ride home with a friend.

I often do wonder about those profiles. If the uber bitch persona is an act or how they actually are. I find it hard to imagine them functioning in the human world 24/7 with such a mindset but I'm sure they do. I, personally, do not like the men who think they are worthless. Perhaps it's one thing to have that aura while playing, but it turns me off when they're like that all the time. I like a guy who I can be warm and such with, it makes me a lot more relaxed and will make me want to dominant them more; hence why I don't deal with many subs/slaves. If I can't even bring myself to hug them it'd be hard for me to enjoy touching them and spanking em.

Once, a guy messaged me and we spoke for a while. But I quickly realized he wasn't what I wanted. Why? He had the whole "I'm worthless and you're a goddess" attitude. We talked about perhaps going to a resturant to eat. He said I could have lobster or steak and he'd bread or a salad so he could drool and watch me eat. He wasn't worthy to eat nice food around a domme in his mind. THEN, he even went so far as to say he'd even want to sit under the table while there. I was like, what would we talk about. And he pretty much answered he wasn't worthy to talk to me. So I'd be sitting in some resturant, eating with a man who wouldn't speak and sat there admiring me. How is that fun? HOW? There were other convos with this same person until I got fed up with his BS.

Maybe I'm just too laid back. BDSM or not we're all humans and deserve to be treated as such. To me, being a sub/slave doesn't make your thoughts/wants/need any less worthy than anyone else's.

But hey...some people enjoy their kink of being treated like shit with no reguard for them at all. But that isn't me and that's not someone I'd want in return.

(in reply to MischiefSF)

Post #: 2

RE: Warmth and Dominance? - 9/28/2008 6:16:51 AM

ricksub42

Posts: 7
Joined: 11/22/2007
Status: offline

If I'm looking at profiles, which lets face it is the starting point. Please don't think as you read this post that I believe the profile is the end all be all ,just the starting point. If I'm looking at a profile ,I'd much prefer to see a Smiling Domme. What kind of a smile, sly,sexy,inviting,Mona Lisa, It hardly matters. If a Woman is smiling ,I don't have any idea what is going on.It is a Come In, the spider said to the fly smile ? A person who is frowning,I almost feel like from the picture I know everything about them and where is the mystery in that. I look at a Domme as a wonderful,mysterious union. Yes I am a romantic, is it discpline , yes, warmth in the discipline yes. I like bright ,smily people. For me why would I want to be someone whose frowning all the time.

(in reply to Usako)

Post #: 3

RE: Warmth and Dominance? - 9/28/2008 6:26:37 AM

NovelApproach

Posts: 150
Joined: 3/25/2007
Status: offline

Mischief, I think that if you read the profiles of Dommes who are active on the forums, you'll find a very different attitude. Most of us here are very fond of our submissives, and quite a few are even married to them. Many of us value intelligent, playful, confident, strong, submissive men, and we seek to build meaningful connections with them. Personally, my boy is the love of my life, and I adore him. We have a very rewarding relationship, and outside of the lifestyle things we do together, we share many non-BDSM activities and interests as well.

It is likely that the profiles you've been coming across are those who aren't into BDSM for the love of the lifestyle, but rather because they're more interested in a sub's wallet than his mind; those who haven't been involved with the lifestyle for very long and think that this is how they're expected to act; and wankers posing as dommes in hopes of cybersex.

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(in reply to Usako)

Post #: 4

RE: Warmth and Dominance? - 9/28/2008 6:34:07 AM

MissIsis

Posts: 473
Joined: 1/1/2005
Status: offline

I prefer a submissive who has strength, fortitude, a sense of responsibility, the ability to care for himself & others, knows how to be loyal and prefers even in his submission to bring his masculinity to me. I certainly have no use for anyone who is worthless, or wants to feel like that. Submissives can be a wonderful & valueable asset (I am not talking about his wallet) to a relationship. I would want nothing less.

(in reply to NovelApproach)

Post #: 5

RE: Warmth and Dominance? - 9/28/2008 6:36:16 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

Dommes can be so inundated with emails that I think that some tend to fall more into the "persona" instead of showing the warmth that can come with the relationship. I've also noticed this trend among Doms - the "YOU WILL SUBMIT" attitude. Sometimes it takes a little digging beneath the surface to find out people's true feelings.

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Post #: 6

RE: Warmth and Dominance? - 9/28/2008 6:44:35 AM

LadyLupineNYC

Posts: 618
Joined: 12/14/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline

While I do have the 'cold Domme; photo (see left), I also have the 'smiling in the rose garden' photo on my profile. I see no point in 'acting' some role, which would just be the same as the guys question how I can be a 'twue Mistress' if I see no point in dressing in leather for them. Having said that, my general profile is 'to the point' (not that most bother to read it) and my journals allow for more incite into my personally (not that most care), while my posts on the board show some of my philosophy and about the nature of my relationship with my boy. The ‘cold bitch Domme’ profiles could be a form of protective outer layer for those sick of the, you really must understand this, unbelievably bad emails women (D & s-types) get. For example, first thing this morning was some guy ‘asking’ me permission to cum allover my photos

. On the other hand, I am sure some of those profiles are ‘sell tactics’, those who are not yet comfortable with the identity and so trying it on, or (yes, this could be true too) those who really do view their personal as a Mistress in that light.

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Post #: 7

RE: Warmth and Dominance? - 9/28/2008 7:44:03 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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All I can say is that if someone truly is cold in her dominance then I feel sorry for her because she'd blocking out a lot of really intense and empowering interactions in her scenes.

However that is very much a solid porn-generated image of female's in charge (another two being overcome with lust/whores or mommy figures) so I'm not surprised to see a lot of folks drawing upon it.

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Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

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(in reply to MischiefSF)

Post #: 8

RE: Warmth and Dominance? - 9/28/2008 7:54:24 AM

LadyLupineNYC

Posts: 618
Joined: 12/14/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

*snip*

However that is very much a solid porn-generated image of female's in charge (another two being overcome with lust/whores or mommy figures) so I'm not surprised to see a lot of folks drawing upon it.

This is an interesting point I am curious to see explored further. If we understand that that form of porn is mostly consumed by me, then what is the appeal of that collection of imagery to them that makes it the de facto representation of the ‘dominant woman’?

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Facta, non verba gratia placenti

"I have been looking for a way to serve the community that incorporates my violence..."

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 9

RE: Warmth and Dominance? - 9/28/2008 8:09:07 AM

UmbraDomina

Posts: 491
Joined: 7/22/2008
From: SE Michigan
Status: offline

I am not cold, well this morning was a wee bit chilly, but I put on a sweat shirt.

Some people put what they think others expect them to put on their profiles, some write what is in their heart. Not that it matters much anyway most of the time...... 98% of the Cmail I get is from people it is clear have never read my profile.

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Alexandra ~

~~ And I will show you something different from either your shadow at morning striding behind you Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you; I will show you fear in a handful of dust..... T.S. Elliot ~~

(in reply to LadyLupineNYC)

Post #: 10

RE: Warmth and Dominance? - 9/28/2008 8:13:14 AM

LadyLupineNYC

Posts: 618
Joined: 12/14/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: UmbraDomina

I am not cold, well this morning was a wee bit chilly, but I put on a sweat shirt.

*snip*

That is why we need sub-boys to lay at our feet and warm them

_____________________________

Facta, non verba gratia placenti

"I have been looking for a way to serve the community that incorporates my violence..."

(in reply to UmbraDomina)

Post #: 11

RE: Warmth and Dominance? - 9/28/2008 8:40:39 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

While I can't deny that there are many hostile profiles out there, I do think that many men read more into what is there based on their personal prejudices...or desires.

I am a warm and loving person---often too much so. I wish that I had some kind of magic skill to warn ME of the cold males that are out there! I can't imagine being cold and disconnected from my friends or submissives, it would make our experiences together hollow.

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RE: Warmth and Dominance? - 9/28/2008 8:45:10 AM

VampiresLair

Posts: 1307
Joined: 9/3/2008
Status: offline

The only thing worse than the uber-cold heartless bitch Goddess persona that Female Dominants seem to have is the spineless, pathetic "I'm worthless" persona that many male submissives have.

Makes you wonder which one came first, because they're obviously trying to attract one another.

DV's Fox

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Post #: 13

RE: Warmth and Dominance? - 9/28/2008 10:36:26 AM

LaMistressa

Posts: 460
Joined: 12/4/2006
Status: offline

I have been told by some who follow my online journal and profile that they find my writing a calming and positive influence (whatever that means.) I'm only a cold and heartless bitch to Patriots fans.

(in reply to MischiefSF)

Post #: 14

RE: Warmth and Dominance? - 9/28/2008 12:42:35 PM

PsyVamp

Posts: 1026
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline

It is quite possible that they are really cold, and dressed in leather whenever they are with their submissives... who am I to say what another does?

In My world it is not practical... it takes too much bullshit to be the Bitch Queen all the time, and leather in the summer months is NOT something I want to contemplate without really good air conditioning.

As was stated earlier, most of the Dominants on the boards here are not of the cold/hard type.

Lady Jag

_____________________________

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. .
Could a blue screen of death constitute being defenestrated?
~Owner of wolf~ (one of them, anyway)

(in reply to MischiefSF)

Post #: 15

RE: Warmth and Dominance? - 9/28/2008 1:25:17 PM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

I also think, though, that if a person tends to be more aloof, cool, and is less of a cheerleader, they should be able to be honest about that.

My Darling's profile is up on here. She's really not a 'cuddly' kind of person. She's a scientist, with a scientist's cool, dispassionate, and sometimes very clinically distant approach... at least at the outset. It takes her a while to warm up to someone and reach the point where they -matter- to her. That being said, she is really more an extrovert than I am. She likes social occasions and crowds, and I go just because I know she likes having me there--but it is really her thing.

I, on the other hand, am sadistic to a fault. I'm a blood-freak, and enjoy evoking pain and drawing blood... but I -am- the 'cheerleader', encouraging, talkative, person of the two of us. I'm an introvert, so I don't do well in crowds... but on a one-to-one basis, I'm definitely the more warm personality.

To my mind, it would be horribly deceitful for my Darling to intimate that she would be affectionate, cuddly, etc. to a new potential prospect. The truth is, she'll be microscopically examining him for suitability, and will be cool, distant, and clinical until he proves himself to her as being a safe and healthy addition to our household. It would set up unrealistic expectations for her to pretend on her profile to be something she is not, and the reality is that she has every right to be herself... to interact in the world as she does. She shouldn't have to be ashamed of it or apologize for it because it makes someone who isn't even -involved- with her uncomfortable.

Calla Firestorm

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Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

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(in reply to MischiefSF)

Post #: 16

RE: Warmth and Dominance? - 9/28/2008 1:50:38 PM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

"There's nothing you can do that can't be done
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung
Nothing you can say, but you can learn how to play the game
It's easy
Nothing you can make that can't be made
Noone you can save that can't be saved
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time
It's easy
All you need is love, all you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need..."
The Beatles, 'All You Need Is Love' (Lennon/MacCartney)

Is there anyone here who doesn't know this song? Or who doesn't know these words? It could be for all intents another Beatles' love song, but if you care to go back and study the words in detail for a minute, you can just as easily ascertain that John Lennon was singing about domination and submission.

IMHO no matter however which way you look at it, it doesn't matter whether you are dominant, submissive, switch, male, female, straight, gay, bisexual, mono, poly, whatever you're coming into BDSM through its lowest common denominator and that lowest common denominator happens to be love.

I'm not talking here the popular 'Eros' concept of love, but love in general. It doesn't matter which side of the fence you find yourself on, there is a 'One True Way' as it happens, but one which takes on so many different forms, and that one true way is through caring, sharing, taking an interest, and giving - and are these all not gestures of one and the same thing - love?

We could talk about those hostile profiles, and so many other things but the fact remains that so many people spend an awful lot of time on sites like this one in what I would term their 'wilderness period'. They are lost, confused, hurting, angry, resentful, seeing BDSM as a dirty secret, or as a way of getting some form of gratification, whether it be emotional, sexual or financial at the expense of other people (and quite often themselves). Isn't witnessing this one of the saddest things about BDSM?

You know people do have to learn, you often have to deal with failure before you find success, just as you often have to experience heartache, loneliness and despair before you find acceptance, warmth and love. Yet another four letter word starting with the letter 'L' - life.

These are the only two four letter words which matter in BDSM, or with domination and submission - life and love. Even together the rest of the four letter words, any four letter words you can think of, don't really add up to the same.

BDSM isn't about you. It's about you and other people and what you do together.

"Love is all you need."

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(in reply to PsyVamp)

Post #: 17

RE: Warmth and Dominance? - 9/28/2008 5:28:07 PM

scary724angel

Posts: 7
Joined: 9/26/2008
Status: offline

I am definitely not a cold/ bitchy screaming type at all. I am very sadistic but have an equally strong nurturing side. I don't think I could ever "play the role" of the cold domme, it's not me.

As far as the sub having limits and needs, I feel it's important for everything to be fully consensual, and that includes recognizing limits.

(in reply to MischiefSF)

Post #: 18

RE: Warmth and Dominance? - 9/28/2008 5:48:16 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

The cold dommes appeal very much to the subs who dont want a commitment. They want a quick fix and the porn says dommes are not supposed to love their subs.
I do, however. My Fox and I are getting married next year. I couldnt do cold and heartless, but my mentor could when she wanted to. For her, playtime was playtime and partners were partners.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to scary724angel)

Post #: 19

RE: Warmth and Dominance? - 9/28/2008 6:04:13 PM

MsCfromMelbourne

Posts: 777
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline

Everything said above

But let's admit it : there are also *some* very angry women on these boards. They probably have a lot to be angry about. They do not like men and have nothing good to say about any submissives.

They also never seem to *have* a successful D/s relationship; just a lot of opinions about them.

But the illusion that Dommes are emotionally unavailabile is very alluring to some men (who plan to be equally unattainable, by the way!).

I disclose in my profile that I am kind. Which I am. I find that one can inflict far more physical pain wearing a sweet smile than by barking and screaming. My style of domination is kind and sweet and scary.

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(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 20

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