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CreativeDominant -> RE: Being Friends with past partners (9/29/2008 4:27:14 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile2
How many people here from either side of the D/s coin have tried to remain friends with an EX yet found it impossible to do so, because they push boundaries and cause problems and drama?
My last real time relationship was a rather short term one, with somebody who has an anger management and drinking problem. Back around March I had packed it in on this relationhsip. Anyways, I had tried to maintain a simple friendship since then. She has made a number of attempts to cross the friendship boundary since then. This attempts resulting in some small verbal fights between us, however nothing so extreme to be a permant wedge or axe to bury between us.
Recently in the last two weeks, this has all changed, when I told her that I involved in getting to know somebody that I'm sincerely and deeply interested in. She told me she felt jealous even though she felt she had no right to be. None the less she started to pull every tactic she could think about. Sexually advances, offers to cook me diner, do this that another thing for me. Anything and everything to lure me into visiting her. For the last 6 months I've turned down ever advanced she had thrown at me. When she does get her way, she tends to dish out some minor insult and it's resulted in a bit of a small fight. I simply don't enjoy putting up with bullshit and mindless guilt trips. I've tried to be a friend and encourage her to change and get help for some of her issues. Anyways, this time around. She pulled out all the stops.
In fact, she went so far to contact my mother and even probe her for details about "the new girl", and it's been nothing but a pain in the ass. Needless to say, she's left me some drunken voice mails which totally rubbed me the wrong way. She had tried luring me into coming to visit her to "fix her computer", at least under this initial pretense, however she was also making a lot of suggestive comments about fucking and how things used to be between her and I. Anyways, her Drunked Voice mails was it for me. She was very rude and vulgar and frankly, she showed very little respect for me as a person let alone as a friend. I'm not a happy camper, needless to say. I found myself saying things to her on the phone such as "You are a self centered bitch who is jealous and being mean because you did'nt get you way." I digressed into name calling along with tossing out fair honest thoughts on the matter.
Yesterday, it was the proverbial Nuke Death Match that occured between us. She is a self identified switch, however with what I would call as an immature Domme personality. She was attempting and trying to push and sway me. The Gloves came off, and I said a lot of harsh things I honestly meant and mean. She was dishing out insults out of spite and trying to turn the tables around on me. I was not putting up with it. Actually, if anything, I realized more about her true colors then I dare wanted to see or admit to myself.
Yesterday was not a good day, anyways I had not shared too many details with the "new girl" regards my problematic EX. However yesterday and today I was rather open about the extent and levels. Then the "new girl" asked me one question. Is she on your myspace. Ummm.. Yes, she is. She made a comment about contacting my EX. Whoa... that idea really did not sit well with me at all. Anyways, as I say, give me more then one reason to do something and consider it done.
I went and deleted my Ex off myspace friends, put her ass on block. I did the same with my Email Account and AIM instant messaging. I called and left one last voice mail, a sort of sorry, I can't be your friend anymore you make it too impossible for me to be your friend. I recieved one last voice mail message from her along the lines of "Fine, I don't want to be your friend anyways blah blah blah (mindless stabs at me)".
When I talked with the new girl later on today. I told her what I did. Geee, turns out the new girl got burned by somebody who was involved with a girl who deleted her from myspace.com and etc.. Wow. Oh great the new girl is a little questioning if I had been seeing my Ex all along now... Good Lord! Perhaps I should not be such an honest bastard, but I admitted to her the reason why I deleted my EX was at the threatening thought of her contacting her. I don't Trust me Ex at ALL, not with the way she's been acting.
In hindsight, I feel like I should have canned trying to be friends with her awhile ago, when she was pushing boundaries and not being respectful. A bit of an error in my judgement. Anyways, at times the best of intentions can bite us in the ass. I just know I feel a little bit backed up into the corner with somebody questioning my actions slightly now. I'm not into playing games with anybodys heart or playing any kind of games that are not fun ones to play.
Right now, I'm a little pissed off at myself, my ex and feeling a little sick in the stomach at the thoughts of this having the potential for leading to mistrust. I've been upfront and honest about everything with everybody.
Anyways, is it really a mistake in trying to be friends with a part partner? Even more so when they violate or attempt to push the boundaries from time to time. I feel like I should have seen this shit coming, yet was being a little blind. I'm glad it's over (the friendship) between me and her. I really did not think she would behave this crazy and bad. I think if I had, I would have packed it in on the friendship. However, I can see at the same time some red flags. I was trying to give somebody the benifit of the doubt. And Frankly, they failed it miserable.
It is not always a mistake to be friends with a past partner. I am good friends with my first submissive and, though it took some time, a friend to my second submissive. I am not friends with my last submissive...too much hurt, too many deceptions, too many promises and responsibility begged for from the other side and adhered to by me while lying and fucking/playing with other dominants occurred. Don't get me wrong, I am not a saint but I believe in the old idea that a responsible dominant/submissive are basically just an extension of being a responsible human being. And I understand the idea of still loving someone EVEN AS YOU HATE what they have shown themselves to be...because in the end, the question you end up asking yourself is this: if you were that wrong in your perspective, just what else about your life are you wrong about?
The circumstances vary from one dynamic to another. In some instances, it is not only a mistake to try to be friends with a past partner, it can be heart-breaking and, sometimes, dangerous. The situation you describe sounds like an emotional battlefield to me.
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