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StrangerThan -> RE: Being Friends with past partners (10/1/2008 5:23:49 AM)
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I feel for you... probably like most people here. Relationship woes and the death of those relationships are something we've all been through. It is rarely a sanitary process, and the reasons for that are simple. Regardless of why it ends, we have no switch we can flip to turn off whatever it was that bound us to that other person whether it was love, lust, or just the fact that you connected for a while. Even if we are the one ending it, the feelings remain. You may feel relief that it's over, know it's better for you, but feelings still remain. You'd not be human if they didn't.
How you end it though can play a big part in the life that follows. I like the thought of remaining friends, but honestly, I've found it easier to be friendly after enough time has passed to let some of the feeling abate. The trouble too with trying to remain friendly, especially at first is something you're sort of running into now. You are allowing your past to conflict with your present. Your new girl may be respectful and standing aside to give you time to deal with your past, but that is something that rarely has an endless quality to it. The more you allow the past to affect your present, the more you're inducing the image of shared baggage in the mind of your present and no matter how much your present cares for you or does for you, helping you carry your baggage isn't something they really *want* to do.
Every relationship has the right to be judged on it's own merit. By trying to remain friendly with an ex who has little respect for you and probably even less for the new person in your life, you are by default introducing toxic elements to your present. Yes, you can carry the lessons learned with you from one relationship to another, carry the knowledge from one to the other so that neither side is left blind, but actually letting them overlap usually is a bad thing. Your ex is your ex for a reason. Put her there and keep her there until enough time has passed that maybe you can talk on a reasonable and friendly level. If she were reasonable and friendly now, the potential problems would be a lot less. Allowing her to control your anger, stimulate it and keep the ill will flowing through your veins is good for no one, not her, not you, not the person you're with now. Actually, it's unfair to the person you're with now to expect her to remain respectful and silent and still have to deal with the fall out. All you're really allowing is for the strings to remain attached. If you're allowing them, then maybe you weren't as ready for it to end as you thought.
I've been in this position before. Basically, my thought is, if you're not going to allow what's left to be friendly, well, we ended for a reason. So, make that end as complete as possible. Cut it off and move on. That sounds cold, I know and in reality the cut and move isn't as dry as it sounds. The feelings remain and it takes time to get past them, but it's the perception that counts. What you're telling your ex at this point is that there's hope. They'd not be arguing, debating, tempting, or trying to get you back if there wasn't. It may never change. It may change. Do you really want to ride the rollercoaster of never knowing whether it will or not?
And do you expect the new person in your life to ride that rollercoaster with you? You're asking a lot of them if you do and it's not fair to them.
There's nothing wrong with remaining friendly with an ex, but if you do so, be honest with yourself before trying to be honest with anyone else. Is it really friendly or is that just a bullshit way of saying you're still allowing them some control in your life and what you feel? Probably even more accurate is it just a bullshit way of saying to your new person that I have unfinished business back there? Because if either of those cases is true, you're probably in a new relationship before you're ready for it.
Your ex is your past. Put her there if you want to give your present the best footing it can have. Maybe it will change at some point in the future, maybe not. If not, what have you lost? The answer to that is something you've already put in your past.
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