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RE: Being Friends with past partners - 9/29/2008 7:59:02 PM   
WhiplashSmile2


Posts: 526
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline 		My last two real time relationships, I've had to shut down the friendship aspects afterwards.   The boundaries not being respected and such.  I actually think I had poor judgement in my pick of partners for my last two real time relationships.  My last Ex was a short term relationship.  Before her was somebody I was involved with for 4 1/2 years.  Every once in awhile I hear something from her as well. 

In all honestly the 4 and a half year relationship was an experience that literally snapped me, tested and pushed my own limits to who I am as a person.  I know the meaning of what a Love/Hate relationship is really like and all about.  She was my best friend and Worst Enemy at the same time.  Extremely Good and Extremely Bad at the same time. 

My last two relationships have been toxic and not healthy ones.  Yes, Dare I admit to this.  My own choices were not the best.   Sure, there's a price I have had to pay for it as well.  However, the experience was also priceless at the same time.

Once I'm committed to somebody, I'm not to type to call it quits at a drop of a dime.  However, I know my own limits to how far to go now.  There are limits to what I can or can not humanly control, limits to what I can tolerate or deal with or that I'm able to manage, cope and deal with.

My Ex from 7 1/2 year relationships is a sweetheart, and her and I are still friends.  She respects me and vice versa.  No Heartache, No Drama, no Hassle..  I don't have very much bad to say about her in fact.   In many regards, I have come to appreciate certain qualities about her compared to my last two real time relationship experiences.

Anyhoo, when it comes down to my past relationships.  Only 3 are what I consider as being Toxic to some crazy insane level.  The rest of them, well are simply sweethearts and not bat shit crazy.   I know I have had some better choices in partners and I've had some really poor choices.

The Toxic ones, actually had some very wonderful aspects to them.  Extremely Up and Down.  It was the Great Qualities and their good sides that I was attracted to.  However, the not so good sides or aspects is what bite me in the ass.  Where things needed to come to an end.

I am somewhat sad tonight making this post.  I really hated being forced to pack it in on a friendship.  I've been sitting here thinking about what if anything I could have done differently.   Should I have packed in it in sooner or not.  Questioning my own judgements from two different angles even.

I just know that I want something more and better out of life, that I don't want this kind of crazy toxicity in my life.  I don't mind day to day regular curve balls, or what I call normal drama of life that occurs.   It's the extra mindless drama that I have a had time dealing with.   The word drama has different meaning to different people.  I don't mind the normal day to day kind, that is simply part of life.  One has to deal with real life issues and problems that occur.


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Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Being Friends with past partners - 9/29/2008 8:07:01 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I think it is when we question things that we get pulled into the drama and pain.   How can I make it better... what will help... did I or didn't I act too fast or not fast enough.  We question how we handled it and that is good when we can learn something about ourselves or life, but if we think on it too much, that is where we are causing ourselves the pain.  Been there... done that... wear the sign.  You can't fix things and that drives you a little batty because you have a great heart and wish for everything to fit nicely into a nice solved and healed little package.  Sometimes it just can't happen and that is hard to accept.

Try not to beat yourself up Whiplash... it hurts... you know that I know... but we can't control what other's do and you were forced to end this.  You typically give as much as you can to things, that is very clear... so don't get caught in the trap.  Hang in there!

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Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Being Friends with past partners - 9/29/2008 8:15:55 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		Hey Whip,

You sure do enjoi drama..... we callem x's for a reason.

BadOne


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Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Being Friends with past partners - 9/29/2008 8:26:09 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		In most instances, ex-whatevers (Friends with whom I've had sex with, boyfriends, partners, husband: each of those designations differs from one another) aren't folks I have stayed friends with. 
I made a deliberate choice early on in my most recent relationship that I wished to retain our friendship regardless of where our paths went/go.  Despite that desire, I've done some pushing away lately (When a back-step was announced), admitted my poor behavior, although that doesn't justify the poor behavior.  Growth. Maybe.  A different choice than I have ever made previously, most assuredly.  Still don't like the down-grading.  Value the person highly. 
The closer I am to a person, the more vulnerable I feel that makes me to them which, if things are over, leads me to push away, sometimes very hard.  (This would apply to someone I'd call a partner.  Or with a husband although, ironically, I don't really feel like my husband could hurt me much more than he did but another I felt a similar bond with, this action applied.).  Either that or if I don't want the relationship to have ended and I have a hard time understanding adjusted boundaries (Or thinking they're a good idea) when there still appears to be desire/a good fit remains/etc.
Or, if my investment is less (Friends that I had sex with or boyfriends), I'm generally just finished and appalled and want them out of my hair; ie: no longer worth the energy/effort/irritation to have them in my life.  Transgressions against the friendship have rendered such situations more trouble than they were worth in the past and the drama-factor eventually led me to bring the hammer down a time or several. 
I'm most decidedly appalled, for myself, at the idea of down-grading a significant relationship to a f*ck buddy relationship or something less than that.  It seems to demean the substance of that which came before and what is/was, among other things. 
I also have a hard time with understanding why people maintain lesser relationships with people they have had more depthful relationships with.  Why back-pedal?  Granted, I place a greater depth on what physicality is/means than many folks. 
I do think, too, that this is somewhat age-based: I know a lot of people in their 40's who think it's totally reasonable and not at all strange to maintain down-graded relationships with people they no longer have sex with. 
I am in my 30's.  I know a lot of people around my age who feel as I do. 
I also know a number of folks in their 20's who seem to espouse the ideas that the folks in their 40's do. 
Maybe it's somehow cyclical and age-related? 
  Davan

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Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Being Friends with past partners - 9/29/2008 8:29:21 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		I have remained friends with many partners over the years. The point I make whe staying in that is my limits and boundaries. I have a zero tolerance policy in overstepping those boundaries with exs. And they all know it. Most have not tried to overstep and things have remained good. Some, one exgf in particular, tried to horn her way back in... and she will never speak to me again no matter how hard she tries. I have no room for unnecesary drama in my life.

DV


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VampiresLair

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Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Being Friends with past partners - 9/30/2008 3:14:51 AM   
tweedydaddy


Posts: 673
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		I sympathise. I still play with the first girl I ever played with 30 years ago from time to time, and I am close to every sub I've ever had. On the other hand, all my vanilla ex girlfriends were real bunny boilers. They happened in my younger days when I was shallow enough to pick girls based on looks, they were pretty, but some of them were quite, quite mad. Having been married for 25 years this year, and having only touched playmates apart from LadyLove, life is much better.
If you ex is that obsessive, you might want to get a restraining order, if only to protect your new partner.

(in reply to WhiplashSmile2)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Being Friends with past partners - 9/30/2008 1:54:07 PM   
IvyMorgan


Posts: 729
Joined: 7/5/2007
From: Midlands, UK
Status: offline 		I have 2 ex partners, and I am freinds with both of them.

Only one is D/s.

He and I go out, and tend to have dinner once a week/fortnight.

The ex gf and I talk fairly frequently, the hard part is she's in Germany right now, in school, and I'm in the UK.  Aside from the distance issue, we're good friends, I was the chaperone when she met her current partner, for example.

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Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Being Friends with past partners - 9/30/2008 2:09:27 PM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		Interesting that most speak from the point of view of the one who is in control as to being friends or not. Generally speaking, the one who cares less doesn’t mind staying friends, while the one who was wronged wants nothing to do with the ex. Again, interesting thread.

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RE: Being Friends with past partners - 9/30/2008 2:12:52 PM   
VampiresLair


Posts: 1307
Joined: 9/3/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain
while the one who was wronged wants nothing to do with the ex.

Not always the case though. I am still more or less friends with my exhusband. He majorly wronged me, things have been mentioned elsewhere as to what was done. Bt, I am the type that forgives all even if I forget nothing. He has the same rules as anyone else and gets the same treatment if he oversteps my bounds. He apologized for what he did to mewhen we were married, and we can be civil... i just dont plan on inviting him to visit with the family and the like.

DV

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RE: Being Friends with past partners - 9/30/2008 2:39:32 PM   
VivaciousSub


Posts: 446
Joined: 9/7/2008
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain

Interesting that most speak from the point of view of the one who is in control as to being friends or not. Generally speaking, the one who cares less doesn’t mind staying friends, while the one who was wronged wants nothing to do with the ex. Again, interesting thread.


I noticed that too, both here on the board and in RL. It's like the one that initiated the split can afford to feel magnanimous and bless the other with friendship or something. Of course, the wronged person may be wishing for nothing more than a strike force and some napalm.


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RE: Being Friends with past partners - 9/30/2008 3:02:28 PM   
FRSguy


Posts: 653
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline 		I havent read through the whole thread but for me I tend not to get involved with woman who tend to cling on to past loves.  Its something that is uneceptable to me except perhaps of course where children are involved.  I expect my meat to be my meat and no one elses. Now for me I remain friends as in if an ex calls me to talke she gets the strait up truth.  This one time at band camp I got a call from an ex that I lived with over 10 years previously and she was ready to go through a divorce... her attitude ect was as if we split the month before.  I wished her well.  I could hear that she really missed the memory of me.  I really hated hearing that "come rescue me and take me away and make my life perfect" tones. I still love her to some degree and allways will. It hurt when I hung up the phone but I would never sacrafice that part of me again to her nor would I allow it to screw with my current life.  You only get to decide which lawn you want to play in once. After that its all BS.

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Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Being Friends with past partners - 9/30/2008 3:07:39 PM   
Daes


Posts: 246
Joined: 4/20/2007
From: Diamond Bar, SoCal
Status: offline 		Tried. Didn't work. Lesson learned.

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Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Being Friends with past partners - 9/30/2008 3:17:59 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I find it interesting that so many think a break up is based on someone doing somebody wrong.  That hasn't been the case with me.  Some have done me wrong, sure... but most my break ups were simply situations where life, situations, growth, lack of growth, etc. were factors.  Most couldn't handle my health situation.  Some got nasty to justify a break up, but we typically worked things out at some point.  Maybe not the day of the break up, but within six months I would say.  Most the time within a month.  When it took longer there were other things that determined that rather than anger or something between us.  Did we fault one another for certain things... sure... but that doesn't mean you have to hate someone.  We are human, we make mistakes, we do right and we do wrong.  I tend to try to think of the person.

Then there were some nasty situations nothing could work out.  Someone had a point to prove, someone or both lashed out, games... stupid... the thing that caused the break was clearly evident and nothing could be resolved.  It is time to walk away and sometimes people don't walk away.  But not every break up has to be drama filled and that's the way I prefere it.  I typically just want to walk away and be left alone, but can be drawn in with anger because someone keeps the game going.  I am human.  But... I am also learning and trying to be my best and my major fault sometimes is trying to make sure no harm has been done and things are resolved peacefully.  Sometimes that just can't happen.

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Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Being Friends with past partners - 9/30/2008 3:18:04 PM   
kallisto


Posts: 1185
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain

Interesting that most speak from the point of view of the one who is in control as to being friends or not. Generally speaking, the one who cares less doesn’t mind staying friends, while the one who was wronged wants nothing to do with the ex. Again, interesting thread.


What an interesting pov.   I don't believe I had looked at any of the replies posted in this manner.   I would say I tend to agree with you.   Although a mutual split as in my last relationship, we've remained friends, stay in contact to a degree (not on a regular basis), but kind of checking in every so often to see how life is going.   I guess when you know it was the right thing to do, it's a little bit easier to swallow and not hold resentment.    

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Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Being Friends with past partners - 9/30/2008 3:35:07 PM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline 		A couple general thoughts.  It always surprises me how many relationships people have had.  I've only had one major relationship, and that was with my ex-husband.  We've been apart for 10 years and in that 10 year period, sometimes we've been friends, sometimes we've been barely civil.  I was 'wronged' in that relationship, and there was a time when I was in the thick of relizing how majorly wronged I was that I would have preferred not to have anything to do with him.  But, we share parenting/custody of our children, and are both equally committed to making that work.  So, we muddle through.  Right now we're more or less cordial and have, once again, gotten to the point where I can stay with him and his wife when I visit our kids (they're living with him now). 3 years ago that would have been impossible because he didn't quite get the whole 'boundaries' thing so I had to keep him at a distance, emotionally (we've lived at least 8 hours apart, geography wise since we separated.)  At one point, when he was crashing and burning, I helped him out financially and provided emotional support so long as he understood I was in no way returning to the wife mode.  And, he repaid the favor a couple months ago when I had to find a place to live, fast and didn't have any money.  But, maintaining that kind of relationship takes work, and sacrifice--it requires no small amount of pride swallowing, and Im not sure I'd be willing to do it with a less significant relationship.  That we share parenting is probably what makes me want to go the extra mile.  For a relationship that only lasted a year or, I dunno.

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RE: Being Friends with past partners - 9/30/2008 3:41:26 PM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		when he pushes a boundry or causes what i feel is a problem or drama, i let him know; it doesn't mean i can't remain friends with him.  i find it extraordinary that so many people find it impossible to hang on to the friendship when the love is gone.

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Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Being Friends with past partners - 9/30/2008 4:10:53 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile2

How many people here from either side of the D/s coin have tried to remain friends with an EX yet found it impossible to do so, because they push boundaries and cause problems and drama?



Count Me in.  As a matter of fact, this is why I'm not friends with most of those who are in the ex category for Me.  It's happened in My vanilla relationships, too, so I highly doubt it's because of Me being a Dominant.  This isn't the ego talking, but most of them want to come back.

I made the mistake one time of agreeing to play with someone who was a prior play partner.  NEVER AGAIN.  It drove him nuts hearing Me say his name, rather than the name I had given him.  Let's just say I was very glad he was restrained to the cross at the time.  The DMs wanted to toss him out of the club that night.  All I can say is, I'm very glad he calmed down before I took him down.


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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

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Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Being Friends with past partners - 9/30/2008 4:50:03 PM   
VivaciousSub


Posts: 446
Joined: 9/7/2008
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysliloneds

when he pushes a boundry or causes what i feel is a problem or drama, i let him know; it doesn't mean i can't remain friends with him.  i find it extraordinary that so many people find it impossible to hang on to the friendship when the love is gone.


I've managed to stay friends with most of the men I've been involved with. There's only one relationship I had where the damage was so irreparable (at least in his eyes) that he wouldn't have anything to do with me. I haven't talked to him in nearly 3 years, but our mutual friends have let me know that he is still "stuck" on me and hasn't dated since we split in 2005. I feel badly that the split was awful but....3 years? No contact? And he's not dating? If I were another woman coming onto the scene now, I'd run in the other direction - as FRSguy noted, he doesn't want to deal with women stuck on past loves, I can't imagine women wanting a man in the same situation.

Most of the time, the relationship ended not due to anything horrible, but because we grew apart. I'm still young - just about to turn 28 - so it's not surprising that the relationship ended that way. One of them, whom I nearly married, is still a very good friend of mine and though we no longer live near each other, we can still talk on the phone for hours.

No harm, no foul!

< Message edited by VivaciousSub -- 9/30/2008 4:54:08 PM >

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RE: Being Friends with past partners - 10/1/2008 12:49:16 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain

Interesting that most speak from the point of view of the one who is in control as to being friends or not. Generally speaking, the one who cares less doesn’t mind staying friends, while the one who was wronged wants nothing to do with the ex. Again, interesting thread.


Here's the deal ppl drift in and out of my life all the time.  Typically I don't talk to my ex's for one simple reason.  What we had in common is gone from my POV.  I enjoied having them around to fuck and frolick with, at some point we got tired of it so we split.  It's that simple.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

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Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Being Friends with past partners - 10/1/2008 5:17:50 AM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline 		i think that is the best realistic answer i have heard on this post   life is not always a how we want it   but at least we can put it in terms our terms we can deal with

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Profile   Post #: 60
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