RE: Being Friends with past partners

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RE: Being Friends with past partners - 10/1/2008 5:23:49 AM

StrangerThan

Posts: 1515
Joined: 4/25/2008
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I feel for you... probably like most people here. Relationship woes and the death of those relationships are something we've all been through. It is rarely a sanitary process, and the reasons for that are simple. Regardless of why it ends, we have no switch we can flip to turn off whatever it was that bound us to that other person whether it was love, lust, or just the fact that you connected for a while. Even if we are the one ending it, the feelings remain. You may feel relief that it's over, know it's better for you, but feelings still remain. You'd not be human if they didn't.

How you end it though can play a big part in the life that follows. I like the thought of remaining friends, but honestly, I've found it easier to be friendly after enough time has passed to let some of the feeling abate. The trouble too with trying to remain friendly, especially at first is something you're sort of running into now. You are allowing your past to conflict with your present. Your new girl may be respectful and standing aside to give you time to deal with your past, but that is something that rarely has an endless quality to it. The more you allow the past to affect your present, the more you're inducing the image of shared baggage in the mind of your present and no matter how much your present cares for you or does for you, helping you carry your baggage isn't something they really *want* to do.

Every relationship has the right to be judged on it's own merit. By trying to remain friendly with an ex who has little respect for you and probably even less for the new person in your life, you are by default introducing toxic elements to your present. Yes, you can carry the lessons learned with you from one relationship to another, carry the knowledge from one to the other so that neither side is left blind, but actually letting them overlap usually is a bad thing. Your ex is your ex for a reason. Put her there and keep her there until enough time has passed that maybe you can talk on a reasonable and friendly level. If she were reasonable and friendly now, the potential problems would be a lot less. Allowing her to control your anger, stimulate it and keep the ill will flowing through your veins is good for no one, not her, not you, not the person you're with now. Actually, it's unfair to the person you're with now to expect her to remain respectful and silent and still have to deal with the fall out. All you're really allowing is for the strings to remain attached. If you're allowing them, then maybe you weren't as ready for it to end as you thought.

I've been in this position before. Basically, my thought is, if you're not going to allow what's left to be friendly, well, we ended for a reason. So, make that end as complete as possible. Cut it off and move on. That sounds cold, I know and in reality the cut and move isn't as dry as it sounds. The feelings remain and it takes time to get past them, but it's the perception that counts. What you're telling your ex at this point is that there's hope. They'd not be arguing, debating, tempting, or trying to get you back if there wasn't. It may never change. It may change. Do you really want to ride the rollercoaster of never knowing whether it will or not?

And do you expect the new person in your life to ride that rollercoaster with you? You're asking a lot of them if you do and it's not fair to them.

There's nothing wrong with remaining friendly with an ex, but if you do so, be honest with yourself before trying to be honest with anyone else. Is it really friendly or is that just a bullshit way of saying you're still allowing them some control in your life and what you feel? Probably even more accurate is it just a bullshit way of saying to your new person that I have unfinished business back there? Because if either of those cases is true, you're probably in a new relationship before you're ready for it.

Your ex is your past. Put her there if you want to give your present the best footing it can have. Maybe it will change at some point in the future, maybe not. If not, what have you lost? The answer to that is something you've already put in your past.

(in reply to WhiplashSmile2)

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RE: Being Friends with past partners - 10/1/2008 7:40:14 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
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I have often remained friends with my ex partners because I try and pick or at least allow in women that I like for more than just reasons of lust.

The last partner I was with who I cannot speak with was the only woman I ever collared. We loved each other deeply, had the most intense chemistry but neither of us had the skills or emotional maturity to make it work. However, she was the one who set me on the path to be the man I am today. Oh god did we tear out each others hearts over and over and over. I think after nearly a decade we could probably be friendly but the pain and history between us is probably best left undisturbed.

The last woman I lived with is now a woman I consider my sister, we are dear dear friends. I look at the emotional gifts she gave me and I treasure that. She is an amazingly talented artist and an intellectual on a level that far surpasses me. She gave me the gift of freedom in my art and taught me the visual language I needed to raise the level of my woodwork to where it is today. She helped me and stood by me while I worked through my anger issues. We parted because she wanted children and I didn't at the time.

As many know, BSB and I have had a rather intense love affair and our own troubles. Whatever else we are or will be, she will always be a dear friend to me. She has stood by me while I worked through some very hard issues and we have both helped each other grow into better people. There have been some harsh things said, more often by me than her, as I can be a bit firey and passionate, but we have worked past that because, at the core, we deeply care and respect each other and we talk, not just about the easy stuff but the really really hard stuff, without that, we wouldn't be where we are today.

To me, how someone treats and speaks of their ex partners is a rather illuminating look into who they are. Like all red flags, it isn't a deal killer, but certainly signals something that should be looked at. Frankly, there was a period at the end of my first D/s relationship where I probably should have been politely asked to leave the scene. I broke a few hearts, a woman even left the state after our affair ended. So, if that rings a bell with anyone, know that things can change, you can learn to make better choices, and rewards, well they are amazing.

< Message edited by SimplyMichael -- 10/1/2008 7:43:46 AM >

(in reply to WhiplashSmile2)

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Post #: 62

RE: Being Friends with past partners - 10/1/2008 1:50:09 PM

scary724angel

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Joined: 9/26/2008
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Whiplash it seems to me that the main issue in your relationship is the ex's substance abuse, not whether or not people can remain friends after a relationship. I have a general rule not to get involved with people in any capacity who have drug or alcohol addictions. I avoid addicts like the plague. There is a virtual guarantee of drama and abuse from addicts.

It is possible to remain friends after a relationship if both parties are willing, still enjoy each other's company, and will respect the boundary of not being sexual.

(in reply to WhiplashSmile2)

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RE: Being Friends with past partners - 10/1/2008 9:03:05 PM

corsetgirl

Posts: 824
Joined: 5/22/2004
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Take it from an ex-drama queen like me, this ex is beyond obsessive about you and seems like she could also have stalker tendencies, too. I would suggest to this individual that she gets help for her drinking and dealing with past issues of child abuse as well as staying away from you.

I am still friends with my ex-dom because I have learned to control my emotions. At one particular time, I underwent some anger control management. This helped me learned how to deal with those feelings. Yeah, rejection is not good to the ego but that person needs to step back and realize why the relationship did not work.

I no longer deal with the drama anymore.

(in reply to DesFIP)

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Post #: 64