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RE: Utterly lost... - 9/29/2008 10:28:40 AM

sirsholly

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If you want this marriage to work then might i suggest you do everything in your power to try? It may not succeed but you are the one that may look back in retrospect and think "If only we had tried_______". For your sake do the best you can do with the resources you have so you have no regrets if the future.

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Post #: 21

RE: Utterly lost... - 9/29/2008 2:22:25 PM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
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One thing I learned (the hard way) is not to ever get in a mindset of "As soon as __________________ happens, things will get better." As soon as we're actually married and living together, as soon as he finds a new job, as soon as he gets settled in his new job, as soon as we get a bigger house and the kids aren't underfoot all the time, as soon as, as soon as, as soon as.....

Basically, a person is who they are regardless of the circumstances in their life, and they don't change unless THEY actually want to.

I know this doesn't help your current situation, and I'm sorry for what you're going through. For what it's worth, something similar happened to my niece, military guy, she moved back home 3 months after the wedding because of the way he treated her. Going through the divorce was a sad time for her, but after about a year, she met a wonderful guy, they've been together very happily for almost 3 years and have a baby daughter together. There's talk of them going to Vegas soon to do the deed..... There's happiness out there for you somewhere

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Post #: 22

RE: Utterly lost... - 9/29/2008 2:55:04 PM

sfdrew

Posts: 124
Joined: 6/15/2007
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I am amazed at all the arrogant fortune cookie advice people give around here. .....

"Sorry to break it to you honey, but your marriage is over. I don't know anything about you or your marriage or him or your relationship beyond what you've posted but I have all the answers because I knew somebody that went through something that kinda sounded similar. But don't dismay, great fortune will come your way with unicorn rainbows and sunshine farts. "

She has said many times that she wants to try and make the marriage work, but most of you keep ignoring that, or think you know what is best for you based on your vast experience and intimate knowledge of her situation.

Maybe you could try to give her some advice that she could actually use, or that might actually help her based on what she wants.

< Message edited by sfdrew -- 9/29/2008 2:56:38 PM >

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 23

RE: Utterly lost... - 9/29/2008 3:17:53 PM

LadyLupineNYC

Posts: 618
Joined: 12/14/2006
From: NYC
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Come come, sfdrew... even I, your Mistress, can be accused of giving such advice. The OP has come, heart on sleeve for some down-in-the-trench advice; she will take and/or leave what speaks to her.

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Post #: 24

RE: Utterly lost... - 9/29/2008 3:35:35 PM

TabrisMaceth

Posts: 190
Joined: 9/23/2008
From: The Ghost Matrix
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Hey, ya get what you ask for. Besides, just because you want to things out doesn't mean that you can. It's better to cut off a toxic relationship than pretend it can be salvaged.
Then again, if things actually can work out, then never give up. Good luck finding anyone like that in the world, though...

-Tabris

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Post #: 25

RE: Utterly lost... - 9/29/2008 4:07:29 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
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For many reasons we most often wish to think the best of those we love. This is good, but it can become a part of enabling them to continue. One will determine to make things work and although I have seen that work a few times... most times it does not. It takes two and right now... it seems your husband is young, irresponsible, coping out, escaping... dadadada... It is wonderful that you want to make things work... but you are going to need some help with that. A will doesn't always mean success.

If you want some suggestions... mine would be... 1. get into counseling for yourself. Don't worry about couples counseling right now as he will most likely protest, but go for you to help you strengthen yourself. Build support systems for yourself. 2. Sit hubby down after you have gotten some footing and are not upset and can be calm and simply state how things are going to be. Be willing to tell him what you will do if things do not change. But give him a deadline of some sort. Not a deadline to change by such and such a date because many will wait until that time to show improvement and then because you were so flexable... pull it all over again. But you must see steady improvement with a deadline of some real success and change. Be prepared to enforce things. Look into toughlove teachings. The reason for the deadline is for you. You don't want to look back six years or twenty years later and feel or acutally waste your life. 3. Remember the love and reasons for what you are doing, but dont' forget to love yourself and toxic relationships, situations and such and being involved in them is not loving yourself. 4. Don't excuse behavior by considering that you are both young. If we put ourselves in an adult situation, military, marriage and such, we take on adulthood and must act in it. For ages... young people married, had um's, worked and all at very young ages. This modern thing of saying people are too young and using it as an excuse for immature behavior has turned a lot of things upside down in society. Yes, youth is understandable, but is not an excuse. You can't have your cake and eat it too when you want to be adult but have an excuse to get out of being mature so that you can remain dysfuctional or lazy. 5. Couples counseling... maybe not in this order... but somewhere in the time frame of holding him accountable.

And an extra hint... if it matters, until he has changed... don't expect things to be done and if it is costly.. like wasting food, see that it is done. You walk a fine line there, in him seeing you do it so he cops out even more... but while you work on change... don't expect him to stand up and be a man when it will hurt you. Just cover your tail end.

I wish you the best... whatever the reasons are for what is happening or whether any of us have a clue. But you can't go wrong with love and accountablity and establishing it all. Good luck! Oh... and if you can... make a friend who can support you and let you vent without them getting an attitude about your husband that will come out later to bite you on the tail end.

< Message edited by Lockit -- 9/29/2008 4:15:16 PM >

(in reply to TabrisMaceth)

Post #: 26

RE: Utterly lost... - 9/29/2008 6:44:51 PM

Roselaure

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Joined: 4/12/2008
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In the words of Erica Jong, "Advice is what you ask for when you already know the answer, but wish you didn't."

I suspect you know the answer. It's not easy, been there myself.

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(in reply to Mellissande)

Post #: 27

RE: Utterly lost... - 9/29/2008 10:02:57 PM

Mellissande

Posts: 435
Joined: 4/22/2007
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I am afraid that this is getting rather on the side of "dump the bastard" but I think I have to also take into account that he might even be trying to retalliate for something I do that I don't realize, or that he is maybe not realizing what he's doing when he does it... I get the feeling he might have a learning disability... he's never been diagnosed and I'm afraid to ask him because it might upset him, but Sometimes that's the way it seems... I thank you all for all of the advice, and Andrew I know what you mean... In JROTC I had more responsibility than I knew what to do with and that was in High school... not even the real army... So anybody who seems to think that every soldier is a stupid drone killing machine Should be forced into a role of that magnitude... see how quickly they crumble... but that is off the topic. Thank you for the advice on how to help me save my marriage, I understand those who are preparing me for the worst... but how can you hope for peace while preparing for war? I would like to try everything.

and about me being so young... I really understand that you wish you'd done more maybe you're bitter about your youth... But My only wish has been to have a family and lots of children. I really do not want anything else besides that. Just your run of the mill kinky housewife. I've had my share of heartbreak, abuse, misery and wasted years. Right now I know what I want and that is for the love between my husband and I to allow us to push past our petty problems and become the family We wanted from the beginning. Again thank you all for helping me.

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Offer them what they secretly want and they of course immediately become panic-stricken.
— jack Kerouac

(in reply to Roselaure)

Post #: 28

RE: Utterly lost... - 9/29/2008 10:27:45 PM

tia111

Posts: 52
Joined: 9/9/2008
Status: offline

Mellissande ... I am going to state the obvious here. Marriage is hard work as i am sure you already know. It would be lovely for everything to be ideal immediately but it is difficult to fuse two people's lives and it makes sense for there to be some adjustment problems. I think you should both go to counselling if he is open to it or for you yourself to go though it sounds like you have already made those steps. Ultimately, i wish you luck and hope that your marriage sees many years and that one day you can both look back at this phase and laugh.

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(in reply to Mellissande)

Post #: 29

RE: Utterly lost... - 9/30/2008 6:40:33 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mellissande

I am afraid that this is getting rather on the side of "dump the bastard" but I think I have to also take into account that he might even be trying to retalliate for something I do that I don't realize, or that he is maybe not realizing what he's doing when he does it... I get the feeling he might have a learning disability... he's never been diagnosed and I'm afraid to ask him because it might upset him, but Sometimes that's the way it seems...

Mellissande,

As many here have said, you can't "make" someone change but you can inspire and help someone change. The fact is you are both very young and ARE going to change a lot. The trick is to encourage the good change and reduce the bad. Don't laugh but pick up a good book on childrearing and dog training. Research things like shaping and internalizing change.

I know that I was a self centered insecure little dipshit when I was that age and held little promise of becoming the man I was a year or so back let alone the man I am becoming now. My first real submissive partner often lamented that she was laying the groundwork for me to be who I am now but knew we were not going to make it long enough for her to benefit, that was almost a decade ago.

However, nobody could force that change on me, I had to look deep inside, want it and work for it. Help him find a place that inspires him to grow, support and inspire that growth and see what happens.

However, as a few have said, no not wait forever, and dear god, WAIT to have children or don't have any more till you see if that change is going to take place. Do not wake up 10 years from now realizing it was all a mistake.

I wish you the very best.

(in reply to Mellissande)

Post #: 30

RE: Utterly lost... - 9/30/2008 7:39:32 AM

krikket

Posts: 1183
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
Status: offline

i was married to a Marine for 26+ years and it never changed. I saw him completely different before our marriage, but that was my doing, not his. The military instills a lot of good things into their members, but even they can't turn a sow's ear into a silk purse. i tried talking with him, maybe things would change for a few months, but he always reverted to type. What happens with your relationship from here on out is up to you.. good luck!!

jimini

< Message edited by krikket -- 9/30/2008 7:40:12 AM >

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When your heart speaks take good notes.

(in reply to Mellissande)

Post #: 31

RE: Utterly lost... - 9/30/2008 10:18:30 AM

HopeLost

Posts: 80
Joined: 2/7/2007
Status: offline

look i was in the same spot years ago too. the army, the passive aggressive tactics, the fights, the frustration. before we worked on the D/s we worked on the marriage. this december is our 10th anniversary. there is hope! divorce maybe the answer but be sure before you go that road.

(in reply to krikket)

Post #: 32

RE: Utterly lost... - 9/30/2008 10:53:05 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

This was the most telling part for me.
Yes, I do think you would benefit from counselling, but not because he has issues. He is passive aggressive, without question, but have you wondered why?
The thing I have noticed most about men is that if they do something for you, and in your eyes it is wrong. At first they will try again. But if a little thing here or there is wrong to you, that is what they notice. Not that some part was right, but that they didn't get the praise or acknowlegement that they tried.
Wrong, even a little bit, gets pretty discouraging over time.
I am not one of the type to say toss your marriage aside. I kept hold of mine until I found it completely intolerable, and bad for my children. Unfortunately his choice of a marriage counsellor was in his church and I was not going to succeed in that battle. It was a relief when I tossed him out.
But you are still young and your marriage is new. There is still time to work on you. Trust me that this is not all his problem.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mellissande
He wasn't near this bad before we got married, He at least tried when he did something wrong. Now it's like it doesn't matter anyway so why try...

I think I will go to the on post marriage councelor...

(in reply to Mellissande)

Post #: 33

RE: Utterly lost... - 9/30/2008 11:18:03 AM

apiercedkitty

Posts: 569
Joined: 2/22/2007
From: Michigan
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mellissande
wow... I'm sorry for you both... It sucks... wanting to make it work so badly... but when is loving eachother not enough anymore? I'm afraid it'll end up in divorce, but I want so muchto be different, to have him understand and work it out...

Not to scare you - but i spent 12 years hoping it would work out... even with counseling it didn't. Like the saying goes, "a leopard can't change his spots." i wish you luck.

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normal is a setting on a washing machine...

(in reply to Mellissande)

Post #: 34

RE: Utterly lost... - 9/30/2008 11:20:05 AM

Lairaimmortelle

Posts: 28
Joined: 5/21/2008
Status: offline

I can relate for I am going through something similar. I'm sorry that things have to be so hard.

(in reply to apiercedkitty)

Post #: 35

RE: Utterly lost... - 9/30/2008 1:29:44 PM

akisha

Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mellissande

I've been having problems in my marriage and I have noticed that I am being forced into a mother/dominant role over my Husband who is constantly in a state of stupid... it's like he has no common sense and no sense of direction... with him being in the military, I wrongly assumed that this would get at least a little better. But since we've gotten married it's gotten worse, like "could you put everything away from supper while I clean the living room?" He says "sure, whatever" he comes back in and plays his game and when I go in the kitchen all of the food is still on the counter 3 hours later. I don't know what to say but to ask why he didn't do it. he says "well I did the dishes... I didn't think you wanted me to do anything else" I swear, it's like this every single day, and it's almost the same argument every single time.

Being submissive this hurts me, because now I am not only dominant out of doors, but I must be dominant to him too... it's like he does things just to irk me because he knows I will get upset and he just doesn't care... Add to that our sex life is nonexistant and I'm so tired of trying to hold the pieces together it's just too much sometimes... is there anyone who could give me some advice?

p.s. we've only been married for 8 months, 5 of which he was in training out of state so I didn't see him at all for the first 5 months after we wed...

Sounds like my marriage. It lasted 2 yrs and 9 months. Probably only lasted that long because I was pregnant 3 weeks after the wedding lol

Did you know this about him before you wed? Was he dominant before you wed?

My ex was was dominant before the wedding then everything bdsm involved came to s screaming halt after. Talk about bait and switch.

You have two choices...
1. talk to him, get help and try and work through it.
2. cut your losses and move on.

As one that has been there, people rarely actually change unless they really really want to because changing is hard work.

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(in reply to Mellissande)

Post #: 36

RE: Utterly lost... - 9/30/2008 4:30:59 PM

CaraCaeth

Posts: 24
Joined: 11/4/2007
Status: offline

Ok, i'm about to finalize my divorce after an 11 year marriage, my second divorce. While i'd be a hypocrit to say divorce is a bad thing, i do have to agree with stella41b that it's not something to rush into but should be considered long and hard. i've also been in the military for almost 17 years; my soon-to-be-ex was in for four years.

So enough background . . . the first thing you really need to determine is if you still love him and if he still loves you. This is not necessarily the same thing as wanting to stay together; although two people can make a successful marriage work without love on both sides, i do not advocate that. But it does sound to me like you still love him.

The next step is address the whole sub-forced-into-Dominant role. Does your husband know you are a sub? Is he even into BDSM? And if the answers are no, can he be brought into it? My biggest issue with mine was that he was thoroughly vanilla, unable to grasp the BDSM concept (after i told him what i wanted in life), he was incapable of being Dominant and i was unable to be the Dom (in a very vanilla way) any longer. i am not a switch, and it was making my life miserable. Keep in mind this is a very abbreviated edition of what happened.

Finally, the "mental fog" thing. Honey, i hate to tell you but that's never gonna change. Mine was the same way when i married him, and it got worse because i would bitch at him about it and he got to the point where he so completely tuned me out that he was missing major details . . . like telling him i wouldn't be home because i had duty or something along those lines. There are ways around it to keep your sanity, like remembering that you have to spell things out for him, or making lists for him; but again you have to decide if that's something you can live with doing.

The bottom line is that there are a lot of people who have been in similar situations who can give you a lot of advice, but the final decision has to be yours.

_____________________________

property of Master Brenin
There can be a true grandeur in any degree of submissiveness, because it springs from loyalty to the laws and to an oath, and not from baseness of soul. - Simone Weil (1910-1943, French Philosopher, Mystic)

(in reply to FRSguy)

Post #: 37

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