Is it only me, but always being challenged. Not fun. (Full Version)

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WorldofSilence -> Is it only me, but always being challenged. Not fun. (9/30/2008 2:18:33 AM)

Hiya E/everyone.

I'm back again, I came across something the other day which made me wonder this:-

When a sub challenges a wish/demand/order from you etc.. on a regular basis is this is normal?

Now I'm all for a bit of asserting Dominance,teasing,sparking the imagination, be it through words,thoughts or examples. But a consent thing? Having everything challenged all the time.
If this is normal, I think I'm heading for an early grave heh

As some of you know about me, I deal with "challenging"/negitive  attitudes on a regular basis so I look forward to spending my time with (Hopefully future) sub/slave. But then you ask something simple or something that would please me but nothing intense, and for it to be challenged just makes me groan and makes me slightly annoyed.

Is that considered a weakness on a Dom's part should he be able to handle any challenge all the time, regardless of everyday challenges?

Got a great response last time, and learning alot about myself as a person.

Cheers.

Da lovable WoS



MaamJay -> RE: Is it only me, but always being challenged. Not fun. (9/30/2008 2:27:48 AM)

Hi again WoS. I think there is perhaps an initial time in which there might be some degree of challenge or testing though I certainly wouldn't expect that to be concerning simple activities. For those the new sub should be almost falling over themself to complete them obediently and promptly and make a good impression! There is also likely to be a lot of questions of clarification initially, which I don't see a problem with. If a sub is challenging Me all the time ... I question whether they are really a sub and whether I want to continue dealing with that! I expect a certain amount of willing obedience ... without that, the whole relationship becomes too much work to be worthwhile. I'm not into being a life support system for a brat!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]



tweedydaddy -> RE: Is it only me, but always being challenged. Not fun. (9/30/2008 2:52:51 AM)

Since you are both playing a game, if the other party wants to debate everything, send them home to Massdebate on their own, and find someone who really wants to play. Life's too short! I'm all for communication, but brats are not worth the bother.



silkncarol -> RE: Is it only me, but always being challenged. Not fun. (9/30/2008 2:56:26 AM)

Doesn't sound like you're a good match with this type of submissive....... find someone you're more compatible with.



ShiftedJewel -> RE: Is it only me, but always being challenged. Not fun. (9/30/2008 3:30:26 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WorldofSilence

Hiya E/everyone.

I'm back again, I came across something the other day which made me wonder this:-

When a sub challenges a wish/demand/order from you etc.. on a regular basis is this is normal?

Now I'm all for a bit of asserting Dominance,teasing,sparking the imagination, be it through words,thoughts or examples. But a consent thing? Having everything challenged all the time.
If this is normal, I think I'm heading for an early grave heh

As some of you know about me, I deal with "challenging"/negitive  attitudes on a regular basis so I look forward to spending my time with (Hopefully future) sub/slave. But then you ask something simple or something that would please me but nothing intense, and for it to be challenged just makes me groan and makes me slightly annoyed.

Is that considered a weakness on a Dom's part should he be able to handle any challenge all the time, regardless of everyday challenges?

Got a great response last time, and learning alot about myself as a person.

Cheers.

Da lovable WoS



Hey cutie!! I think it depends on what you call simple or intense? Maybe to them it isn't simple and would fall into the intense catagory. Ok, that's playing the devils advocate.
 
No, it isn't a weakness on the dominants part. I don't care what orientation you call yourself, no one is capable of dealing with constant challenges in their lives... that's a nervous breakdown waiting to happen. As MaamJay said, for most people in any kind of relationship they tend to fall all over themselves to make each other happy, at least in the "honeymoon" stages. Maybe that person is not feeling secure with themselves? And honestly, if you aren't secure in yourself how do you expect to feel secure with someone else? Maybe that person has more issues then any dominant wants to deal with and should seek some sort of counseling?
 
Either way, best of luck to you... I'm so glad to see you back!!
 
Jewel



simpleplan2 -> RE: Is it only me, but always being challenged. Not fun. (9/30/2008 3:47:03 AM)

I have to agree.  If a sub is constantly challenging the dominant, I would think something was off somewhere and that needs to be addressed.  On the other hand, I don't think that a submissive should have to constantly "prove" her (or his) submission.



SoulPiercer -> RE: Is it only me, but always being challenged. Not fun. (9/30/2008 4:55:13 AM)

Hey WoS .. Like you, I have no interest in being constantly challenged. I'm challenged all day long at work .. when I come home I'm looking for peace and tranquility.

For some submissives it is "normal" to challenge. As simpleplan said, I don't think a submissive has to prove themselves to me .. so I don't feel the need to prove my dominance to them.

In my relationship, what I thought was her challenging me, actually was not.

I would ask "What are you reading?" she would respond "CollarMe". I would have to ask several more questions before uncovering that she was reading the "Fire Play topic on the General BDSM Discussion Forum". This happened a lot. On the surface one might think she was being a smart ass. But instead, I asked her why I had to ask so many questions to get to the final answer. Her response was - in the past one answer was enough - no one else every really took much interest in what she was doing.

At the risk of making myself seem human - that answer really saddened me a bit. But now I understand what was really going on.

Each person is different and has different reasons for doing the things they do.

Great question.



MsStarlett -> RE: Is it only me, but always being challenged. Not fun. (9/30/2008 5:10:39 AM)

I wouldn't put up with it.  I've been in those relationships before.  Didn't work.  



DesFIP -> RE: Is it only me, but always being challenged. Not fun. (9/30/2008 5:11:47 AM)

Some people are into force play on a constant basis. You aren't. It's just a question of compatibility.
Although I've only really seen this attitude in younger subs and doms.

However if you're talking about the initial days, then it is normal to expect someone to need to know why you want something done so they can judge whether or not your thoughts and decisions sound good to them and therefore you seem to be trustworthy for them to submit to.

Me? I'm not into busy work. A dom who asked stuff that seemed stupid to me wouldn't be one I would agree to submit to, and the only way to know if he was asking for nonsense would be to have enough experience with him to see him in action, so to speak. But after the first six months I didn't need to ask why nearly so much.



chamberqueen -> RE: Is it only me, but always being challenged. Not fun. (9/30/2008 6:24:26 AM)

It is not a weakness on your part at all.  Having been a Domme, I know how exhausting it is when it starts to feel like everything you say is being challenged or questioned.  As a slave, I rarely say no and when I do there is a very good reason for it - like being given a task during the same period when I am due to be out of town on business. 

Now you get to see if you can get to the root of it.  Are they just testing to see if you will put your foot down?  (People do love to test others.)  Is this the way they always plan on being?  If so, and they are only a potential partner right now, maybe it is best for you to move on the someone easier to deal with.



scarlethiney -> RE: Is it only me, but always being challenged. Not fun. (9/30/2008 6:56:03 AM)

Any attention is good attention...........................it sounds like attention seeking behavior. Obviously she's trying to push your buttons but to what end?? Is she seeking punishment, or wanting to get a drama oriented display of aggression out of you? Does she feel like she isn't getting enough of your attention? 

Perhaps she doesn't really understand the dynamic of your relationship and her role or she needs better defined boundaries.

Good luck.

scarlet



DarkSteven -> RE: Is it only me, but always being challenged. Not fun. (9/30/2008 7:12:31 AM)

WoS, I had that happen once.  My sub wanted to end the relationship and fr some reason wanted me to be the one to do it.  So she challenged me every way she could.  She ended up playing with another Dom at a play party without my permission or knowledge.  (That Dom got a nasty email next day, and she was released.)







CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Is it only me, but always being challenged. Not fun. (9/30/2008 7:13:16 AM)



It's been my experience that a new servant goes through some phases with us. First there is the tendency to be super-servant... nothing is too much work and they push themselves to try to both do everything you want -and- try to anticipate your needs and fill them. Then comes the 'challenge' phase -- where they start testing to see how far they can push the control. After a while, we come to equilibrium, where the servant meets most of our expectations, most of the time... and we know how much control, clarification, and direction a particular servant needs to keep hir functioning at hir best.

A servant who is constantly pushing the limits, bratting out, skirting just at the very edges of acceptable behavior -- they don't usually make it through their probation with us. My Darling and I tend to be fluid, and sometimes we enjoy being very strict -- but sometimes we like to be able to relax and know that things will still flow without so much pressure from us to keep things 'under control'. If a servant is constantly putting pressure on, and overflows hir 'boundaries' on a regular basis, it is like building a building in a known flood plain... more trouble than its worth to try to keep things from going belly-up, and a whole lot of stress until it does.

I don't consider it a 'weakness' on our part that we don't want a stressful house and needing to be "bossy Dame" all the time. I'm human, and honestly, we make it pretty clear that we expect our servants to make our lives easier and absorb some stress -- not -cause- it. If it were me, I'd speak with the servant in question and let hir know that xhe was getting on my last nerve... if it resolved, we'd probably keep hir, all other things being equal, but if xhe continued to be a stress-magnet... sorry... but I like my peaceful evenings at home.

Calla Firestorm



persephonee -> RE: Is it only me, but always being challenged. Not fun. (9/30/2008 7:32:35 AM)

i havent read the other replies yet...but here i go anyway...challenging a dom is not really suggested...i read the manual and im fairly sure thats in there somewhere.

brats and sams are not really into this for a real D/s dynamic, but the drama or the interactions they illicit.

Submit or not...but call yourself what you are and dont pretend to be submissive if you are not submissive....biggest pet peeve ever....that and dredlocks on suburban caucasian teens.

So put your foot down instantly and Dom up....it wont change til you change it....dont deal with the brats.



thetammyjo -> RE: Is it only me, but always being challenged. Not fun. (9/30/2008 7:34:43 AM)

In training, early on in a Ds dynamic I think it is natural for both parties to test each other and for the sub this may be questioning orders.

However past that initial few months I would consider such displays to be a sign that we were not compatible. By that point I've either proven my value as the dominant and my sub trust me or not.

Challenging however is not the same as asking for clarification. I think asking for information is a sign of a good sub or slave not one who isn't supporting your dynamic.



WhiplashSmile2 -> RE: Is it only me, but always being challenged. Not fun. (9/30/2008 8:57:10 AM)

Hi WoS,
In terms of D/s it's natural to be challenge now and again.  If it's constantly happening all the time, there is bigger problem going on.

I myself don't mind being challenged, tested or questioned from time to time.  In fact I have an open door policy for this to occur from time to time when it needs to be done.

However, if somebody is constantly doing this, it grows thin on my nerves.  Not only do I hate it in a D/s relationship.  I hate it in any relationship I have period.  Be it a friendship with somebody, a work relationship or otherwise.

You have to figure out the root of evil here.  Is it you or is it them, is it something that can addressed, dealt with and corrected or not?   If not, you should consider packing it in with the other person and ending it.

Again, I myself don't have too much tolerence for this in any relationship I have in general with anybody.  Not if it's a constant ordeal.



CreativeDominant -> RE: Is it only me, but always being challenged. Not fun. (9/30/2008 11:52:28 AM)

Tis not just you WoS... [:)]

I don't do brats and I don't do SAMs.  I like playfulness and spirit and intelligence.  The first two do not have to result in a continuous push against my dominance in order to provoke what they want...if you want it, ask for it.  I always have the right to say "No".  The last one...intelligence...should mean that I should not have to explain my motivations and thinking behind each and every command/order/request.

In the beginning of any D/s dynamic, there are going to be many occasions in which clarification is necessary...Why do you want me to do this, How do you want me to do this, When do you want it done...but as time goes on and...what seems normal to me...communication takes place, there should be less and less need of clarification, not only because of the idea that if they are intelligent, they should also be observant and my prior actions and words should give them some insight as to WHY I have given the command I have given. 

There are some submissives who test by constantly asking Why, How, When...I don't know if it is a trust issue, an issue of not paying attention to what has occurred before, an error of paying attention but not taking time to process and internalize explanations, or an issue of constantly fighting their submission but it results in my feeling like I am being challenged over things I should not have to be challenged over, either because they have agreed to submit long before OR because sometimes, I just expect them to yield their will WITHOUT having to know anything about the why other than it pleases ME...the one they agreed to submit to and be led by.  There are tons of threads on here complaining about dominants constantly testing their submissives...boundaries, limits, morals, attitudes, etc..  If it is not right for the dominant to constantly test the submissive to "check on the depth of their submission", then it is just as wrong for the submissive to constantly challenge the dominant or to test the dominant.



LadyPact -> RE: Is it only me, but always being challenged. Not fun. (9/30/2008 12:18:37 PM)

No, it's absolutely not a weakness on your part.  Who doesn't want their home life to be in harmony?

Personally, I don't mind questions.  I see those different than challenges.  I have no problem with clarification for what I want.  I'm not always crystal clear with My intent, so I see nothing wrong with a question or two.  My only rule about questions is that anything can be asked, as long as it's done in a respectful manner.

Challenges, on the other hand, I have very little time for.  It shouldn't be that hard for Me to find a sub who will obey willingly.  This was made very clear to someone just yesterday, who was almost put out of My life because of it.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Is it only me, but always being challenged. Not fun. (9/30/2008 12:24:12 PM)

My fetish is obedience.  I am not a tremendously demanding woman, but I do not expect to have my orders questioned without reason.  Don't understand what I asked for?  Ask for clarification.  Think I am on the wrong path?  Point that out respectfully---I treat my submissives with respect, as well. 

I do not have any use for power struggles, or those who need to be "forced" to comply.  You either want to submit to me, or you do not. 



DiurnalVampire -> RE: Is it only me, but always being challenged. Not fun. (9/30/2008 12:27:43 PM)

WoS, my dear, long time no speak.
I dont care for constant challenges either. I dont see it as weakness for a dominant to expect to be the dominant one. You ask for something and someone hoping to be your future sub challenges once or twice... sure I can see that. But every time is a bit of  stretch. If every time I told Fox to do the dishes to make me happy he had an excuse Id wonder if he just hated dishes. If every time I asked him to do anything, he had an excuse, Id think we werent compatible.
Maybe the person in question is the type of sub that wants to be put in her place, wich just doesnt seem to work with your style or preferences of dominance.

DV



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