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Questions about my sub - 9/30/2008 8:52:14 AM   
midnitedom


Posts: 1
Joined: 7/14/2008
Status: offline 		I have been married to my sub for 8 years, when things first started everything was great but now the past year she has not been interested in the lifestyle, sex, or even to give hugs or cuddling anymore. Seems the only time she is happy is when her 23 year old son comes home and then she jumps to his every need. Any advice?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Questions about my sub - 9/30/2008 9:06:35 AM   
OttersSwim


Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		Sounds like somewhere along your path, you two lost your connection.  The only advice I can give, is to sit down with her and talk about it.  Be loving, caring, and calm - try to not take it into argument.  Use a lot of "I" statements (I feel, I want, I enjoy..), and avoid "You" statements (You always, You never, You should...).  Avoid being too critiquing or accusatory.

When she says something to you, repeat it back to her as you understood it - "What I hear you saying is...blah."  And then allow her to clarify if she feels you did not understand what she meant.

If the two of you cannot work things out, then you might want to seek help from a marriage counselor.


_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

(in reply to midnitedom)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Questions about my sub - 9/30/2008 9:18:37 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		what OS said.  COMMUNICATE.  COUNSELING, if one on one COMMUNICATION doesnt work.

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to OttersSwim)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Questions about my sub - 9/30/2008 9:36:56 AM   
peppermint


Posts: 5171
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		To add another perspective...your wife is entering the age when she might get into the peri menopausal phase.  She could still be having regular monthly times and be in perimenopause.  You should talk with her and then go with her to her next gynocologist visit.  There are blood tests that can spot those hormonal changes that are part of this phase of a woman's life.  A lowering of one's sex drive can be a symptom of perimenopause. 

(in reply to midnitedom)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Questions about my sub - 9/30/2008 9:38:32 AM   
Subductrssss


Posts: 97
Joined: 9/28/2008
Status: offline 		I agree totally, communication is key - BUT it could be she has lost interest, do you still romance her? Sometimes that can reignite the fires

_____________________________

Subductrssss

The reality of the other person lies not in what he reveals to you but in what he cannot reveal to you. Therefore, if you would understand him, listen not to what he says but rather to what he does not say.
Kahlil Gibran

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Questions about my sub - 9/30/2008 11:24:27 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		A buddy of mine uses this same method.  At first I would respond because I am a vocal person.  After a while I began to see his tactic of repeating back to me as a tad.. no, HELLISHLY annoying and condescending.
I do agree somewhere along the line they lost communication skills.  But if she is already annoyed with him, and if they are not having sex, trust me, she is pissed off at him, then this method will more likely get her to shut down completely.
Kyst
quote:

ORIGINAL: OttersSwim

When she says something to you, repeat it back to her as you understood it - "What I hear you saying is...blah."  And then allow her to clarify if she feels you did not understand what she meant.

(in reply to OttersSwim)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Questions about my sub - 9/30/2008 11:36:21 AM   
OttersSwim


Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		Well, for sure that form of communication may not work for everyone.  I tend to think that it is important in such a conversation that both parties feel that they have been heard and understood.  This form of stating back what you hear them say can be invaluable for that.

If there is a concern that it comes across as condescending...well if both parties do it and agree to do it, and if what you are doing is explained before hand - "I am gonna state this back to you so you know that I heard and understood what you just said." it can be good.

But mileage may vary...


_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Questions about my sub - 9/30/2008 11:51:56 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		If she is only getting anything near happy when her son comes home, you might want to consider that she is depressed as well and she is having some severe "empty nest" syndrome. Did her sudden lasck of interest coincide with her son's leaving? She would not be the first mother to slip into a state of depression when an adult child leaves the home. My mom went through it, when I left DAd said things were unbearable for a while until I started calling more often. You might want to consider that too. The problem might not be you or your relationship, it might be the loss of her son as she sees it.

DV


_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to OttersSwim)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Questions about my sub - 9/30/2008 12:06:20 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5171
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		Good one, DV...I hadn't thought of empty nest syndrome but that's another possibility.  There could be both physical and emotional reasons for her actions. 

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Questions about my sub - 9/30/2008 12:22:08 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		My sex drive ran off and hid for the last two years. Menopause. It is only now beginning to recover and I seem to be lacking the easy multiples of yore. We're both in mourning over that.

What I needed and got a lot more of was cuddling, hand holding and hugs and conversation. Turn off the tv, spend an hour sitting together talking and holding each other. Don't push for sex that night.

What he got during this period was a lot of blow jobs. He prefers sex with a partner who feels sexual but we did what we had to in order to keep the relationship strong and with both of us having our needs met.

You folks need to improve your communication skills.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to peppermint)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Questions about my sub - 9/30/2008 12:42:02 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5171
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline
quote:

My sex drive ran off and hid for the last two years. Menopause.


Strange how menopause affects us all in a different way.  I wanted sex all the time and became multiorgasmic when I entered the perimenopause state.  Of course, by that time my then hubby was impotent and didn't care.  Till the day he passed away I thought life had thrown us quite a curve ball. 

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Questions about my sub - 9/30/2008 12:45:18 PM   
Tapestry


Posts: 226
Joined: 10/29/2005
Status: offline 		Couple thoughts that may or may not apply - just disregard if they don't help.

Communicate (listen) however you have to. Don't stop until she's been heard. At no point do you have to agree with her, but you must allow her the feelings. At all costs, when (if) she opens up about something she's feeling, DO NOT point out why what she feels is not right. Do not try to explain your behavior or that she interpreted your behavior wrong. It won't help, and will instead have her shut down. If she feels like you can't handle her feelings she'll keep them inside.

If she's happy when her son is there, then in addition to missing him, she probably feels safe with him. If you aren't getting the level of service and love and care from her that you used to and that he is (minus the sex I'm sure) then it tells me that she doesn't feel safe with you. Her son is apparently accepting of her as she is for who she is, and treats her well. Whether it's true or not, her perception is that the above is likely not true right now with you.

You have the power to fix this though. As the Dominant one in the dynamic your challenge is to see what your role here is/has been, and what you can do to change yourself. You cannot change her.

As I said, I hope this helps, and if it doesn't and is way off the mark, just disregard - it's not like I know you, her, or anything about your situation, so I could be way out in left field here.

_____________________________

Tapestry

Daddy's Little Girl

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away."

www.tapestry41.blogspot.com

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Questions about my sub - 9/30/2008 12:53:36 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

Any advice?


ask her...unless you also believe that she is a TOTAL liar or you can't emotionally handle her truth...and if that's the case and you want to continue to have a relationship with her, then perhaps you might seek out someone to help you communicate, truthfully, with each other about where your relationship has gone and see if she would allow that.
 
good luck!!!

(in reply to midnitedom)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Questions about my sub - 9/30/2008 1:24:58 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Wait... you mean we don't all celebrate and go out and buy a bunch of stuff for ourselves?
Heh.. who knew?
Kyst
quote:

ORIGINAL: peppermint

Good one, DV...I hadn't thought of empty nest syndrome but that's another possibility.  There could be both physical and emotional reasons for her actions. 

(in reply to peppermint)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Questions about my sub - 9/30/2008 1:37:17 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5171
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Wait... you mean we don't all celebrate and go out and buy a bunch of stuff for ourselves?
Heh.. who knew?
Kyst
quote:

ORIGINAL: peppermint

Good one, DV...I hadn't thought of empty nest syndrome but that's another possibility.  There could be both physical and emotional reasons for her actions. 



Not everyone, Missokyst.  Personally I couldn't wait till they left and the last one needed a big push.  Painted their rooms pink (I hate pink but had all boys) so they'd die before moving back home to live in a pink room. 

(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Questions about my sub - 9/30/2008 1:45:14 PM   
persephonee


Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline 		peppermint....ahem....will that work now...with a 6 yr old?



_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to peppermint)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Questions about my sub - 9/30/2008 1:52:18 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5171
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: persephonee

peppermint....ahem....will that work now...with a 6 yr old?




Heck, you gotta wait till they are ripe before tossing them over the side of the nest...probably in the 12-16 years from now for you. 

(in reply to persephonee)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Questions about my sub - 9/30/2008 2:37:12 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Umm.... you do know that many of them will return to the nest, right?
Celebrate while you can!  Make hay while the sun shines!  <g> My rooms are now lavendar or sparkly blue.
Kyst
quote:

ORIGINAL: peppermint

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Wait... you mean we don't all celebrate and go out and buy a bunch of stuff for ourselves?
Heh.. who knew?
Kyst
quote:

ORIGINAL: peppermint

Good one, DV...I hadn't thought of empty nest syndrome but that's another possibility.  There could be both physical and emotional reasons for her actions. 



Not everyone, Missokyst.  Personally I couldn't wait till they left and the last one needed a big push.  Painted their rooms pink (I hate pink but had all boys) so they'd die before moving back home to live in a pink room. 

(in reply to peppermint)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Questions about my sub - 9/30/2008 5:51:15 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Best advice: Talk to her. She's the only one that truly knows

quote:

ORIGINAL: peppermint
You should talk with her and then go with her to her next gynocologist visit.  There are blood tests that can spot those hormonal changes that are part of this phase of a woman's life. 
As for this: I'm perfectly capable of going to the gynecologist and getting all the necessary tests by myself, thank you. Having Master go with me would accomplish nothing good.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to peppermint)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Questions about my sub - 9/30/2008 6:18:39 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Umm.... you do know that many of them will return to the nest, right?
Celebrate while you can!  Make hay while the sun shines!  <g> My rooms are now lavendar or sparkly blue.
Kyst
quote:

ORIGINAL: peppermint

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Wait... you mean we don't all celebrate and go out and buy a bunch of stuff for ourselves?
Heh.. who knew?
Kyst
quote:

ORIGINAL: peppermint

Good one, DV...I hadn't thought of empty nest syndrome but that's another possibility.  There could be both physical and emotional reasons for her actions. 



Not everyone, Missokyst.  Personally I couldn't wait till they left and the last one needed a big push.  Painted their rooms pink (I hate pink but had all boys) so they'd die before moving back home to live in a pink room. 



Hell - i had to move out of my house to get rid of the kids - and the oldest one was pissed!  No-one around to cook or clean or talk to.                 Best thing i ever did!

And for the poster - an unbiased mediator may be what the two of you need - as in marraige counciling (sp?). Did it myself and it is wonderful to have a referee - especially since i was not as verbally adept as my ex. The ref. gave me enough time to get out what i wanted my ex to know, and he also made sure that my ex acknowledge what i said. Best thing we ever did - and for me since it gave me validation for my point of view. It didn't work out for us, but we had 13 bad years to overcome - and completely different ways of  viewing relationships.  Anyway , i highly recommend it - and a lot of larger employers have an employee assistance program that is free that provides this service.

(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 20
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