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What attracts dommes to vanilla men? - 9/30/2008 12:38:43 PM

shymetalsub

Posts: 56
Joined: 9/24/2008
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Basically the question is a simple one. Is it just that vanilla men make up the majority of the population so you're just likely to meet one? Have you found most submissive guys to be sex crazed perverts, or does the whole BDSM scene make you feel dirty? Is there a thrill in dominating a man who is in some way less willing or more genuinely frightened? I've seen dominant girls hook up with vanillas a few times in person, and while I'm by no means requesting that dominants stop it (lmao), from the submissive's point of view, I've got to say it's just plain ugly.

< Message edited by shymetalsub -- 9/30/2008 12:39:05 PM >

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RE: What attracts dommes to vanilla men? - 9/30/2008 12:51:27 PM

peppermint

Posts: 5170
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
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Just read the male subs' profiles around here and you'll get your answer. Many of those profiles will list all the things the sub enjoys....being forced to crossdress, CBT, golden showers, giving oral service, and to be chained up and kept naked always. How often do you read a male sub profile that says he enjoys golf, tennis, horseback riding, or playing cards? A woman wants to be seen as more than someone to scratch a male sub's itches. She might want a man who is exciting and fun and humorous and active. A Domme might just want to be treated as a female, a friend, and a companion.

Your profile, on the other hand, is one that doesn't have a laundry list of things you want done to you. I applaud you. We've been searching for a male sub to join us for 2 years. I"d love to read a profile like yours from someone who might fit our needs. The normal emails we get are nothing but fantasy wank material.

< Message edited by peppermint -- 9/30/2008 12:59:48 PM >

(in reply to shymetalsub)

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RE: What attracts dommes to vanilla men? - 9/30/2008 1:41:52 PM

thetammyjo

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I have one mostly vanilla relationship (my husband) and no desire for another any time. Of course he's not really vanilla we just don't scene together because our needs and interests differ too much so we are more vanilla than not.

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(in reply to shymetalsub)

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RE: What attracts dommes to vanilla men? - 9/30/2008 1:49:13 PM

LaTigresse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: shymetalsub

Basically the question is a simple one. Is it just that vanilla men make up the majority of the population so you're just likely to meet one? Have you found most submissive guys to be sex crazed perverts, or does the whole BDSM scene make you feel dirty? Is there a thrill in dominating a man who is in some way less willing or more genuinely frightened? I've seen dominant girls hook up with vanillas a few times in person, and while I'm by no means requesting that dominants stop it (lmao), from the submissive's point of view, I've got to say it's just plain ugly.

I am just curious as to why you think it is ugly?

I focus on the human being first. I know I have a dominant personality that will not attract another dominant personality for long. It's got to be pretty easy to see that I will be in charge of my own life and home. If they don't like it, they disappear pretty quickly. The slap tickle stuff is secondary.

To be honest, the only time there have been any issues are when other dominants have tried to seduce, then dominate, me. It is obvious and usually blows up in their face rather quickly.

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RE: What attracts dommes to vanilla men? - 9/30/2008 1:50:56 PM

tweedydaddy

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You say vanilla like it was a lifestyle, frequently men are simply unaware of what's out there. I have four male subs who were all vanilla when I met them.
Why on Earth would I only be interested in men from the scene? This is not a ghetto, we come and go as we wish. If I want a man, I take him, it's that simple.
It's about chemistry and hormones, not labels. My Husband is also a Dom and he would cry laughing if I suggested he only play with girls from the scene.
With non scene people there is the added spice of teaching someone something new and showing them a whole new world. Free range is always better than factory farmed.

(in reply to shymetalsub)

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RE: What attracts dommes to vanilla men? - 9/30/2008 3:36:06 PM

shymetalsub

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Joined: 9/24/2008
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I just get a little confused at people's flexibility with their sexual partners. I see D/s as part of a person's sexual orientation and to me a dominant girl is preferable to a vanilla in the same way that a girl is preferable to a guy (although admittedly not to the same extent). This is all far, far more than a kink to me and I'm just surprised that others don't see it very similarly. There probably is an ample supply of vanilla chicks that would be willing to go dom a little during play but I just don't see that as the same thing. Meeting scenesters (even if it means they're not from your local scene or you met online) just seems like the most rational way to go to me, even if some see it as myopic.

(in reply to tweedydaddy)

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RE: What attracts dommes to vanilla men? - 9/30/2008 3:36:45 PM

LadyPact

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My personal story is very much like Tammyjo's. My husband was vanilla when I met him. Now, the easiest description is that we are a D/D couple. Of course, he aquired this interest after watching Me with My submissives these past few years. I don't seek outside vanilla relationships. Just the ones I have with My boys.

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RE: What attracts dommes to vanilla men? - 9/30/2008 3:45:28 PM

LaTigresse

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Another thing you cannot forget is that many people here have more than one person in their lives. No one person has to fulfill all of our desires and needs.

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to shymetalsub)

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RE: What attracts dommes to vanilla men? - 9/30/2008 4:19:37 PM

Usako

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From: NYC
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As someone said, look at the sub male profiles on CM. Most of them only talk about themselves or their kink. Maybe a domme wants to go out on a date and not be treated like a "goddess" and just like a normal woman. Far too many of the subs I've talked to are just like deadset on kink. No, I do not want to go on a date with a guy who wants to sit under the table or who thinks he isn't worthy to talk to me. No, I do not want to go out on a date with a guy who always holds his head down.

Now if a sub knows how to act normal then it's all good, and I have ran into a few like that who coudl actually hold a non-kink conversation for more than thirty minutes. It's just so rare it's sad.

But I don't see BDSM as a "sexual orientation" because it's not for me. It's a PART of me, it is not the only part of me though. Too many subs don't care about a domme's other parts though, they just want their kink and they think this is ok because they're "serving" her. Yeah, only serving ONE part of her though.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

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RE: What attracts dommes to vanilla men? - 9/30/2008 4:21:27 PM

LadyLupineNYC

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Joined: 12/14/2006
From: NYC
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Another thing you cannot forget is that many people here have more than one person in their lives. No one person has to fulfill all of our desires and needs.

I was just telling my boy today "men are like handbags, one is never enough". I was with the sameman for12 years, I may even do it again, but for now the ability to see other men- holding it over my boy- is it's own thrill. As for the 'vanillia' part, yes, I tend to make those other men not just another 'sub' since I got sick of always having to pander to the do-me list when at times I would just want to have a drink at a nice bar and f*** like lions.

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RE: What attracts dommes to vanilla men? - 9/30/2008 4:28:35 PM

shymetalsub

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Joined: 9/24/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Usako

As someone said, look at the sub male profiles on CM. Most of them only talk about themselves or their kink. Maybe a domme wants to go out on a date and not be treated like a "goddess" and just like a normal woman. Far too many of the subs I've talked to are just like deadset on kink. No, I do not want to go on a date with a guy who wants to sit under the table or who thinks he isn't worthy to talk to me. No, I do not want to go out on a date with a guy who always holds his head down.

Now if a sub knows how to act normal then it's all good, and I have ran into a few like that who coudl actually hold a non-kink conversation for more than thirty minutes. It's just so rare it's sad.

But I don't see BDSM as a "sexual orientation" because it's not for me. It's a PART of me, it is not the only part of me though. Too many subs don't care about a domme's other parts though, they just want their kink and they think this is ok because they're "serving" her. Yeah, only serving ONE part of her though.

I hear ya there. One thing I never understood is that (scam artists and professionals aside), most female dominants talk about themselves and have real profiles, while a LARGE fraction of the male ones are kink lists devoid of substance. I never understood why it works out this way.

(in reply to Usako)

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RE: What attracts dommes to vanilla men? - 9/30/2008 4:37:08 PM

peppermint

Posts: 5170
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From: Montana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: shymetalsub

I see D/s as part of a person's sexual orientation and to me a dominant girl is preferable to a vanilla in the same way that a girl is preferable to a guy (although admittedly not to the same extent). This is all far, far more than a kink to me and I'm just surprised that others don't see it very similarly.

It's far far more than a kink to me too...but it has nothing to do with sex (in MY life). For some people the D/s ends when the bedroom door is opened. Guess what? Everyone is entitled to their opinions and if needs are satisfied then nothing is wrong. Don't be surprised the everyone doesn't see the world through the same glasses as you do. It's called individualism. Your needs are not the same as the needs of the next person.

(in reply to shymetalsub)

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RE: What attracts dommes to vanilla men? - 9/30/2008 4:54:02 PM

AAkasha

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Vanilla men are much easier to "convert" to submissives or bottoms than vanilla women are to "convert" into femdoms. I dated and had long relationships with many vanilla men who were decently kinky in due time. Let's face it, even many conservative men find the idea of a sexually aggressive, dominant woman to be exciting - the question is whether or not he can endure it and adapt to it for the long haul, or as a relationship foundation.

Because I was dominating men as soon as I was old enough to date, I developed pretty good "femdom radar" to determine men that would be open to being in a girl-led relationship or doing kinky things. I screened them through style of flirtation and by being the aggressor initially anyway -- it usually worked out that the men who shared chemistry with me were responding to my advances and sensual control games. Meanwhile, very dominant, "toppish" aggressive guys who hit on me or were outwardly controlling in their personality wouldn't get to a first date with me.

I think people would be surprised how many "kinky" women just convert vanilla partners - it's easier to avoid the agenda-seeking do-me subs when you start with a clean slate. Of course, the potentially huge drawback is that a person not WIRED for kink can ultimately just shrug it off one day and say "You know what, I just don't like that any more, let's stop doing it" - and he will *never* understand that you just stop doing it, like a 'hobby' you might only casually miss. So there are dangerous pitfalls as well.

Akasha

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(in reply to shymetalsub)

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RE: What attracts dommes to vanilla men? - 9/30/2008 5:09:11 PM

GreeneGoddess

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Unfortunately, many men who identify as submissive actually have trouble functioning in a full blown relationship with a Domme - either they can't commit to a full time relationship, or they can't see beyond their fantasies to the Domme being a <gasp> real person, or they're "fatally flawed" in a way that makes them totally unacceptable for the average functioning female adult - habitually jobless, extremely poor social skills, poor living conditions, etc. You know the type...they think they're special and we should flock to them - we think they're "special" and run like hell.

Fortunately, there are some gems out there, and there are alot of "vanilla" males who can be cultivated.

I found my life partner in a female submissive; we have been together for nine years. During that time, male subs come and male subs go - while I would like to find a male sub to take his place as a co-life partner with my slave and I, it's not something I worry about too much.

(in reply to AAkasha)

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RE: What attracts dommes to vanilla men? - 9/30/2008 5:35:41 PM

yourMissTress

Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
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Ugly, huh?

I don't know...I think it depends on the people involved. If I get to know someone, find them to be or have a submissive personality, I may experiment a bit with them. Most people that I know for any length of time, know that I am kinky and dominant, and for the most part, the vanilla men ask me to experiment with them. Some of them are still kinky, some are not, it was never ugly. But that's just me and my experience.

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(in reply to shymetalsub)

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RE: What attracts dommes to vanilla men? - 9/30/2008 6:53:09 PM

Usako

Posts: 697
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: shymetalsub
I hear ya there. One thing I never understood is that (scam artists and professionals aside), most female dominants talk about themselves and have real profiles, while a LARGE fraction of the male ones are kink lists devoid of substance. I never understood why it works out this way.

I think the problem is a large number of the sub men are only in it for the kink. Be it that they're married or just fueled by a fetish. As GreeneGoddess said, many can't see beyond their fantasy and kink to see that the person they want to submit to is a person too. That maybe she doesn't want to keep a guy naked and on a leash 24/7, maybe she wants to go out for a movie. Or if it's really long term, introduce him to the family.

A lot of the sub men are more along the lines of a fetishest. They come to BDSM for their kink and not to make interpersonal relationships. If they're lucky, they'll find a woman into CBT or diapers or crossdressing...whatever feitsh it might be. Just because she's into it doesn't mean it's all she wants and many can't understand or grasp that. Yeah, the domme might be kinky as hell but I don't think many people think kink 24/7 without any grasp for what other things society has to offer. And I know, personally, if I had a long term sub/slave they'd have to be able to click with me both kink and normal life stuff.

As said earlier, it's probably easier to bring the kink out of a vanilla guy than to find the vanilla in a guy too engrossed by kink.

(in reply to shymetalsub)

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RE: What attracts dommes to vanilla men? - 9/30/2008 7:08:13 PM

MsStarlett

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I married vanilla 22 years ago. Don't see changing my status any time soon. OK... I tease that he's vanilla with sprinkles on top. My hubby doesn't want to do anything that physically hurts him, but he does lots of other things that people here would consider 'sub like'. He is my best friend, my lover, my partner, and the father of my son. He does a lot of things that annoy the hell out of me. He does many others that delight and amuse me. Mostly, he adores me more than any other person or thing on this planet. He puts up with my shit... and for a vanilla man married to a Domme who has kept 'boy toys' on the side for 20+ years, that's saying a lot. I doubt I could have found a Lifestyler who would be a better match at the time we got together... even if I had known how or where to look for one.

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RE: What attracts dommes to vanilla men? - 9/30/2008 7:15:52 PM

OneMoreWaste

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I always chalk it up to the cosmic-joke-on-malesubs column.

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RE: What attracts dommes to vanilla men? - 9/30/2008 9:51:09 PM

Coupleofwhats

Posts: 280
Joined: 6/4/2008
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Not every dominant woman dates submissive men. Some people play in such a way that they could not have a healthy relationship with their submissive outside of scene. For some, kink is just something they like to play at sometimes.

Also, it seems that the majority of self-proclaimed submissives have narrow interests that do not do anything for the majority of dominant women. I get approached all the time, and they always want some 24/7 deal where they're chained to my bedposts and forced to go down on me for hours. Or they want me to sit there while they slobber all over my behind or something. That's THEIR fantasy.

Mostly, I want a man who will treat me normally. Nicely, of course. But not like some fetish dollie he keeps by his bed.

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RE: What attracts dommes to vanilla men? - 9/30/2008 10:11:52 PM

khem

Posts: 300
Joined: 8/8/2005
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Sometimes vanilla men can come across as more submissive than the passive-agressive do-me subs that pester us :P

(On a serious note, I think there are a million ways someone can connect with another person, and I'd say what you're seeing is people connecting in those other ways)

(in reply to Coupleofwhats)

Post #: 20

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