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I - 10/2/2008 2:27:19 AM

tweedydaddy

Posts: 673
Joined: 9/1/2008
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I told my closest male friend why the girls keep coming to our house and why LadyLove has four young men who always seem to be popping in and making a fuss of her. Basically, you might say that I came out to them.
After knowing me for years and being as close as brothers he is now scared to death of me. Hiw wife is even worse, she keeps constantly exclaiming how shocked she is that LadyLove could want women as well as men and simply can't understand that I don't want to murder her male pets.
No matter what I say they seem to see it as swinging, wife swapping, whatever and are completely freaked out.
As a Dominant pair we know loads of people in the scene and out of it and I thought I had seen everything and knew everything and that I was good at reading people's likely reactions. Every time we socialise with this pair, the wife drinks out of nerves until she is plastered and is loudly obsessed with LadyLove's sex life.
Needless to say, I'm slowly allowing my friendship with this guy to die.
It hurts, even at my age, to have someone you have known for so long to utterly fail to understand that you have a different sexuality.
He is a fine person with great qualities and I have always valued his friendship but I could never have guessed that they would react so childishly.
His wife was showing every sign of finding it all very exciting, but I can't say I can bothered with them.
From now on I will be totally up front with people and if they can't cope with it, guess what they can do?

Post #: 1

RE: I - 10/2/2008 2:42:45 AM

Evility

Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
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I can understand your disappointment but I cannot understand why you feel that they are being childish. We all travel by our own compass. The type of relationships we involve ourselves in often says a lot about us to the people around us. I would be equally disappointed if someone felt that way about me but that is their prerogative.

(in reply to tweedydaddy)

Post #: 2

RE: I - 10/2/2008 2:52:41 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
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It can be scary when you find out something that you maybe never ever expected about a person you thought of as a brother...maybe he feels a bit betrayed and needs time to adjust. It seems easier indeed to be sort of upfront about things if you can in the first place.
If it was a really good friendship it might survive...don't bin it too easily, just give things some time, then again...you might want to move on.

(in reply to Evility)

Post #: 3

RE: I - 10/2/2008 4:36:08 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
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Only tell people that you know will understand, others who have the same interests as you. To bad your friend chose to judge you rather than be a friend and accept that this is who you are. But looking at it, if he is that judgmental then you maybe better off.

He may still come around but its hard to overcome many years of conditioning to believe that certain lifestyles are wrong. It sad to lose a friend but you will make new ones, hopefully ones who like YOU for YOU, even with your kinks.

good luck,
~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to tweedydaddy)

Post #: 4

RE: I - 10/2/2008 4:51:50 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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You have known these people for years, known that they are monogamous, known from their conversation that they aren't the least kinky and yet they are being childish because you went out of your way to shock their sensibilities? Pot, meet kettle.

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Post #: 5

RE: I - 10/2/2008 7:55:30 AM

faerytattoodgirl

Posts: 5824
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quote:

Only tell people that you know will understand

nobody can have any clue who will understand something that is different. everyone is wired or brought up in certain ways. unless you lived with them in their house while they were kids, you can not know what to expect.

when i came out in regards to being a girl...everyone i knew left me...and only 1 person from 10 years ago has since talked to me (and actually just 2 months or so ago claiming to me he has found religion and god). it even took my 65+ year old (55 at the time)parents a while to adjust.

< Message edited by faerytattoodgirl -- 10/2/2008 8:05:44 AM >

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Post #: 6

RE: I - 10/2/2008 7:59:29 AM

Lynnxz

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Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
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OP, you can't just go out and lay everything out to someone like that... admit it, you were TRYING to shock them, and you got what you were working for. I do it every once in a while if someone gets obnoxious.

In the future, if you feel like coming out to someone, do it bit by bit. "HAY! ORGY AT MY PLACE 2PM!!" is usually not the best way to go.

_____________________________

HBIC

(in reply to faerytattoodgirl)

Post #: 7

RE: I - 10/2/2008 8:25:59 AM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Evility

We all travel by our own compass. The type of relationships we involve ourselves in often says a lot about us to the people around us.

Well, that's the point, isn't it? That he had surrounded himself with this friend because of traits he admired until he ran into a negative he would not have expected.

We bring friends into our lives because who/how we choose does say a lot about us. Why should it be a surprise, then, to feel a wanting to rescind or distance the friendship upon finding out something disturbing?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra

Only tell people that you know will understand, others who have the same interests as you.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lynnxz

OP, you can't just go out and lay everything out to someone like that...

I don't agree with these. I don't go out of my way to drive details, but all the important people in my life are aware of the deviant aspects of what I do (physically and intellectually). I live openly and surround myself with friends that (imagine this...) are okay with it.

The OP was talking about a friend of a number of years, not some new acquaintance he saw at a bar, mind you. Why should he have to curtail things about himself for the sake of a disproportionate friendship?

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

You have known these people for years, known that they are monogamous, known from their conversation that they aren't the least kinky and yet they are being childish because you went out of your way to shock their sensibilities? Pot, meet kettle.

Or maybe he was just hoping his friend of many years would understand or at least openly accept. You know...like an older adolescent hopes his/her parent(s) will when trying to admit his/her homosexuality to them?

< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 10/2/2008 8:27:55 AM >

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
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(in reply to Evility)

Post #: 8

RE: I - 10/2/2008 8:33:20 AM

VivaciousSub

Posts: 446
Joined: 9/7/2008
From: Tampa, FL
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I don't agree that the poster told his friend for a quick thrill, or to dump it all on them or anything like that. Where are people getting the impression that he did so? And yes, the reaction is childish considering the closeness of the relationship. I'd be horrified if I came out to a close friend about WIITWD and they suddenly thought I would eat their cats. It meant that they took the "shock value" of my revelation over what they knew about me. I'd be upset as well.

OP, I'm sorry to hear about your friends' reaction.

_____________________________

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To yield readily--easily--to the persuasion of a friend is no merit.... To yield without conviction is no compliment to the understanding of either. ~ Pride and Prejudice

(in reply to tweedydaddy)

Post #: 9

RE: I - 10/2/2008 9:17:40 AM

tazzygirl

Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
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whats done is done. ending the friendship because they dont seem able to adjust may be a bit premature. my advice would be to give them time and space, and allow them to decide, now knowing about your personal life, if they wish to continue the friendship.

im betting that the wife is a bit excited about the idea. i know i would be. and it could be that the man is having some trouble adjusting. who knows? they may end up asking to join you

give them time. you have known them a number of years, yet, seem to want them to accept something main line soceity finds extremely deviant. are you sure you are being a true friend to them?

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to VivaciousSub)

Post #: 10

RE: I - 10/2/2008 9:24:23 AM

OttersSwim

Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
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Sorry to hear that this went to a negative place for you and them. It may adjust still, so give it that room if can.

We have come out to "life friends" and those that we just know we cannot/wouldnot/will not be able to hide the new relationships in our lives from. All have been supportive, and we have one couple to tell yet - looking for a good time to do that. Admittedly, they are going to be the hardest - a mentor for me of many years, Christian, older, and conservative in values and views. Hoping we will not loose them as friends, but we have to be who we are...

_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

(in reply to tweedydaddy)

Post #: 11

RE: I - 10/2/2008 9:34:48 AM

MissLily

Posts: 146
Joined: 8/19/2007
Status: offline

I'm really sorry about you pain.

Something similar happened to me two years back. I had this friend who was bragging about being into weird sex and being a slut and horny dog and so on. So I figured I could tell her what I was into, how I liked using men and all...

Well, big mistake! She got totally spooked and told everybody she knew because she thought I was this deviant. So yeah, that was the end of it...

Being let down sucks, and I'm not talking about the betreyal... sheesh... Now I don't talk about it ever. I honnestly think that people can't handle it.

Anyway, just thought I would share. Take care, and I hope the situation resolves itself.
Miss Lily

(in reply to tweedydaddy)

Post #: 12

RE: I - 10/2/2008 9:36:17 AM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

I think some of it might have been the delivery, depending on how you said it. My question would be why did you come out to them at all? What had you hoped it would accomplish? Were they asking questions, or did you just feel like bringing it up?
I tend to hold that things are best left alone unless they are looked into. None of my friends need to know about my sexlife There are one or two who have asked and they have found out, but aside from that none of their business.
I am sorry it didnt work out better, but their responses are not really all that odd. You have shocked them, even if you didnt do it for shock value. You have known them for years, and then in the space of one night you have turned everything they knew about you on its ear and drawn thema awhole new picture. One, incidentally, that had they known about prefviously might have changed their friendship with you greatly. What you are into might have been something they would have avoided contact with had they known. Now, they are torn because they know and value you, but the activities are ones they cant comprehend and cant make peace with.
My 2 cents.
DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to OttersSwim)

Post #: 13

RE: I - 10/2/2008 9:42:20 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tweedydaddy
His wife was showing every sign of finding it all very exciting, but I can't say I can bothered with them.

We hate, love and fear in others what we hate, love and fear in ourselves. My guess is she's unaccepting of her interests and so she's made you all out to be the devil. Many people are this way...we're taught to be such as an early age.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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(in reply to tweedydaddy)

Post #: 14

RE: I - 10/2/2008 9:43:03 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
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Miss Lilly you just told me.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 15

RE: I - 10/2/2008 9:44:21 AM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

My question would be why did you come out to them at all?

Isn't that what friends are supposed to be for?

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
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(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 16

RE: I - 10/2/2008 9:46:38 AM

faerytattoodgirl

Posts: 5824
Status: offline

quote:

Isn't that what friends are supposed to be for?

thats what i thought....so much for them....

_____________________________

I did not reply to your cmail.

I am flawed.

Imperfect.

MUST SPANK!!!

SPAAAAAAAANK!!!

(in reply to NihilusZero)

Post #: 17

RE: I - 10/2/2008 9:54:28 AM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

My question would be why did you come out to them at all?

Isn't that what friends are supposed to be for?

I dont think that friends need to know the details of your sex life, no. Dinner table discussion between my friends has never gone the way of sex and things like that when I am with the vanilla ones. None of my nonlifestyle friends has any reason to know my private life, and they do not tell me about theirs either. I dont knoa naymore about my friend's sex lives than they do about mine and we are all vey happy that way.
There are certain things that I think friends should share, and things I dont think anyone other than you and your partner or partneres of choice need to know.

My opinion of course, if you do not agree that is your choice. I just know I would get a similiar reaction from many of my vanilla friends as the OP has if I told them, but since what I do behind closed dors is never going to impact them in any way I see no reason to bring it out from behind those closed doors unless they ask.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to NihilusZero)

Post #: 18

RE: I - 10/2/2008 10:08:27 AM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

I dont think that friends need to know the details of your sex life, no.

Then we have a difference of opinion in the types of friends we keep.

I enjoy friends who can know all about me and still be interested in remaining so. That doesn't mean I run to the phone after every sexual liaison to tell them the juicy details...(although sometimes that does happen), but I don't favor friendships that involve needing to have an apprehension to disclose something important to me because of potential intolerance.

< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 10/2/2008 10:18:11 AM >

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 19

RE: I - 10/2/2008 10:15:43 AM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

I dont think that friends need to know the details of your sex life, no.

Then we have a difference of opinion in the types of friends we keep.

We can agree to disagree then. I prefer my friends not to know about my sex life because it is an intimate thing for me to share with only one person. They didnt know about my vanilla sex life with my exhusband and they arent going to know about my D/s one with Fox. It isnt what I think friends need to know. However, keep in mind I keep the same sort of friends. The friends I keep have no more interest in sharing those things with me than I do with them.

So, to the OP, is this quid pro quo then? Do they share that sort of thing with you, that you felt sharing it with them would have gone over better? Or was this something that was a whole new topic for all involved?

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to NihilusZero)

Post #: 20

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