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RE: General question about meeting with a Domme - 10/4/2008 10:56:07 AM

PeonForHer

Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
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Tony,

I've had many more vanilla partners than I've ever even met Dommes. Only after reflecting on many of these partners long after I'd split up with them did I realise that there were small but clear signs of "domme streaks" inside of many of them. It took me years of reflection to realise that the obstacle was in me - that is, in my inability to imagine each partner that way at the time I was with them.

As others have suggested, I'd try serving her, in small ways, a little at a time - the key thing being that you keep the focus on her enjoying her domination (however she likes to do that) rather than on your enjoyment of the specific ways in which you like to be submissive.

But, bottom line: What would you have to lose? If she's hard and fast against any of "this perverted Ds business" because "no real man would ever contemplate it" - then, really, is she the right woman for you?

Best of luck, anyway. The Force be with you.

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RE: General question about meeting with a Domme - 10/4/2008 6:15:40 PM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
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I'd actually go for the 'zero option' here.

A question. Are you really being yourself or are you trying to be 'normal' and conform to some sort of stereotypical image of you?

Let me try and paraphrase what you wrote. A friend showed me his Mac computer last week. I've been interested in Mac computers for about five years now and would like to start using a Mac. The problem is that I have just bought an expensive system which runs on Windows Vista. I'm scared to switch to Mac in case I have future problems with Microsoft.

Now I don't want to go into whether you're deceiving the GF or the potential domme because I feel - as others here have suspected also - that there is a much deeper issue - are you being completely above board and open and honest with you yourself as a person?

What is normal anyway? And why do you need another woman to explore BDSM with when you've got a GF? Are you trying to explore polyamory or something?

Let me share something with you, okay?

I'm a transgendered female, I'm working towards full gender reassignment. Yes I'm into women and that makes me a lesbian as it happens, something which has recently cost me the rest of my family (they had this idea that I would change my sexual orientation with my gender and settle down with some guy).

Now about 12 years ago I had everything, a career, a beautiful wife, I was buying a flat, and I was doing my 'man thing' - I had everything but I wasn't happy, in fact I was so unhappy I was getting through a litre and a half of vodka most days. I got a rude awakening in the form of a bout of pneumonia and a brush with clinical death.

You see you can have everything, you can be whoever it is you want to be, but if you're not living true to yourself and who you really are inside all you're doing is working against yourself and hurting those around you. What is the value of your life if you are living a lie?

The seasons, months and even days pass much quicker the older you get and quite a few of the opportunities you may come across (and squander) may not come back to you later.

I walked away and let everything go, went through the divorce and everything and told my wife to take the lot. I made a fresh start, faced up to my issues and worked at becoming me as the 'me' I really am. No I don't fit in with society, truth be told I never did, but now I'm open, and emotionally transparent, and the acceptance I have now from people, people with whom I can be completely honest and myself, I wouldn't want to trade this for anything.

And there's no point in being with someone, no matter whether it's a vanilla GF or a domme, or whoever, if you cannot be yourself and who you really are.

I can't really advise you as to what to do as it's your life and you make your own decisions, but maybe by posting here and sharing that part of me might help you by giving you something to think about.

Lies are a bit like Jack Russell terriers - always prone to bite you in the butt when you least expect it.

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RE: General question about meeting with a Domme - 10/4/2008 6:20:10 PM

apiercedkitty

Posts: 569
Joined: 2/22/2007
From: Michigan
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quote:

ORIGINAL: tony311

I appreciate all of the replies and I agree with all of them in some way. I have no intentions of performing any sexual acts on her. I just want to hang out, take her to dinner and such. I would never literally cheat on her, ie intercourse.

thanks

*cough* bullshit *cough* Some people would consider developing a serious "relationship" with someone of the opposite sex cheating - literally. Please, if she's so "wonderful," you're gonna end up fucking - end of story. Sounds to me like you just want someone to say, "oh yeah, it's not cheating on the girlfriend - keep hiding things from her." Sorry - not gonna get that affirmation from me.

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RE: General question about meeting with a Domme - 10/4/2008 6:50:42 PM

bluepanda

Posts: 328
Joined: 12/12/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyLupineNYC
If your g/f would see it as cheating,it is. Are you really goin to sit there and pretend that, as you already pointed out, that your g/f would 'freak out if she knew' would NOT see it as cheeting?

She's right. That's the only answer you need, right there. All you need to ask yourself is whether it would hurt your GF if she found out, and the answer to that question will tell you exactly what you should do. But then, I think you already know it, don't you?

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RE: General question about meeting with a Domme - 10/4/2008 9:55:53 PM

tony311

Posts: 3
Joined: 5/18/2006
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First of all I would like to thank everyone for taking the time to respond to my posting. I have read everyone and great points in each of them. Some people have said that I would cheat on her, which I can swear that I wouldnt I love her to much for that. I am sure there are alot of people that are in the same boat as me when it comes to relationships and such, but they have either split ways with there gf or told her which is the right thing to do

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RE: General question about meeting with a Domme - 10/5/2008 7:15:48 AM

LadyJulieAnn

Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tony311

First of all I would like to thank everyone for taking the time to respond to my posting. I have read everyone and great points in each of them. Some people have said that I would cheat on her, which I can swear that I wouldnt I love her to much for that. I am sure there are alot of people that are in the same boat as me when it comes to relationships and such, but they have either split ways with there gf or told her which is the right thing to do

When you love someone so much, shouldn't you be able to share something with them that is such an important thing to you? It's not always easy, but if you are already drawn outside of your relationship to fulfill something, it's probably a sign of things to come. I would encouarage you to examine why you haven't shared this aspect of you with your girlfriend. Is it the fear that she will think you are crazy? Is it the fear of losing a "safe" relationship? Is it the fear of truly accepting that you enjoy kinky things? These are questions I once had to ask myself.

Be well,
LadyJulieAnn

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RE: General question about meeting with a Domme - 10/5/2008 8:40:55 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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OK, tony, let's review the question you SHOULD have asked before you contacted the Domme.

"I'm a sub man and have a vanilla gf. What should I do?"

The answer would NOT be "Try to contact a Domme and complicate the relationship".

It would be to drop hints like "Sweetie, sometimes in bed, I'd just like to do things you'd like." "What could I do to please you right now?" "Could I give you a back rub?" "Have you ever fantasized about tying me up?"

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RE: General question about meeting with a Domme - 10/5/2008 1:59:56 PM

SlaveIndigochild

Posts: 272
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quote:

ORIGINAL: tony311

I have been speaking with this really wonderful woman online here. I have been into bdsm for about 5 years and would like to explore more. The problem is that I have a GF and I really dont want to jeopardize that. I am scared to tell her because I know she would freak out. Any suggestions?

thanks

Are both women in the dark about each other? or is your new domme your confessor?
I would tell them both about the situation....before....(as conditioned response would have it) you become aroused by secrecy. In my personal opinion becoming aroused by secrecy can take many forms but it's ultimately an unethical arousal since someone. at least one person, is bound to get hurt by the disclosure. The other danger about pairing arousal with secrecy is that you will be left feeling flat in any honest situation.

< Message edited by SlaveIndigochild -- 10/5/2008 2:01:28 PM >

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RE: General question about meeting with a Domme - 10/5/2008 5:15:04 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
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So you have been involved in bdsm for five years... online? You want to share with your girlfriend, but already know she would freak out... So you will keep your little secrets until she finds out somehow... as most do get caught. You risk a lot for very little it seems.

There is a lot to be said for living honestly. It tends to make life more full and you are much happier. I would suggest you try it... Living two lives in one makes for a lot of drama and most lose everything in the process. If you really don't want to risk your relationship with your gf and know she would freak out if you talked to her about this... you have one option... give up your kink. You are already risking it if you are playing online. So this doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

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RE: General question about meeting with a Domme - 10/5/2008 5:16:32 PM

Usako

Posts: 697
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tony311

First of all I would like to thank everyone for taking the time to respond to my posting. I have read everyone and great points in each of them. Some people have said that I would cheat on her, which I can swear that I wouldnt I love her to much for that. I am sure there are alot of people that are in the same boat as me when it comes to relationships and such, but they have either split ways with there gf or told her which is the right thing to do

If you "love her" so much then just tell her. If I was her I'd be pissed off that you're even on this site talking to other women, meeting this domme and taking her out and shit is even worse.

Either you give up on this domme or you tell your gf. She'll either except it or not. But to not tell her and take the domme on dates and keep talking to women on a dating site and doing lord knows what else is scum-like behavior and if your gf is so "wonderful" she deserves better. She deserves an honest man and if you're going to do these things behind her back then you're not the honest man for her.

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RE: General question about meeting with a Domme - 10/5/2008 5:23:11 PM

Racquelle

Posts: 600
Joined: 4/21/2008
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You want to explore more, and I think you know your intentions are to take BDSM about as far as you can stand to - but at the same time, you want to keep the security of your regular girlfriend, at least until you know for sure that you no longer desire her. Be honest with her, be honest with yourself. Don't expect her to condone or be open to what you want. Keep in mind that you have been lying to her all along and you have offered her a sense of life with you that turns out to be false. Either way - the both of you will get over it and move on. It's not like you were going to be with her the rest of your life anyway - how could you think otherwise? You haven't built a relationship based on long lasting values such as honesty.

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Post #: 31