RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP!

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s1avepuncher -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/5/2008 8:44:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mistoferin OK...I've tried to word this 20 different ways now and they all seem wrong. How do you get your dominant to stop putting glasses of liquid on wood furniture (resulting in white rings), If there is a secret trick I'd sure like to know. Buy a glass with the word "Master" on it (or several). Glue a coaster to the bottom. Problem solved.

mistoferin -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/5/2008 8:45:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit quote: ORIGINAL: Lashra Get their Mothers to teach them at home before they go out into the world then you won't have to teach him yourself. Of course many Mothers let males get away with this type of lazy behavior because "boys will be boys" <eyes roll>. Tell him how shitty the furniture is going to look and how much it will cost to replace. Tell him someone might fall over those clothes on the floor and hurt themselves (my ex did this and I broke him of it by throwing his clothes in the garbage. When he noticed he was running out of clothes I told him he'd find them at the local dump. That solved that). Tracking mud on the carpet means spending money to have the carpet cleaned etc etc. Tell him how much its going to cost and usually if you hit a sloppy lazy male in the wallet enough times it will start to make sense to him. Good luck, ~Lashra If you make a woman wear mismatched colors to the party, the next event she will probably be a lot quicker to pick some out instead of making you late via the inability to make a decision on a skirt. When all the money that gets wasted on guest towels that never get used and just collect dust on the towel rack starts to come out of her manicure money instead of your wallet, the house probably will be a lot more open and less cluttered with pointless superficial bullshit. Don't even get me started on shopping and credit cards... [:D] You know, this is an example that we all come into relationships with our own little habits and idiosyncrasies that are likely to drive each other crazy. Both of you are dominants and you have related some rather aggressive ways to get your partner to change. From a dominant perspective it's probably not a hard thing to do....and certainly I can even think of all kinds of really aggressive ways to effect change. But on the submissive end, it is a bit of a stickier predicament that we find ourselves in when we definitely want to change something. Things like this seem rather silly and superficial. Lord knows, I love the man to death and if the worst thing he ever did in our relationship was accidently leave a white ring on the wood furniture....well I ought to be thanking my lucky damn stars. So I don't want anyone to take such a thing out of perspective. It's not a make it or break it issue. But it sure would make it all go so much smoother if we could figure out how not to drive each other nuts with the little stuff....and it would be really nice if I could figure out how to nicely say....hey, that's one of those little things that's gonna drive me nuts!

mistoferin -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/5/2008 8:47:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: s1avepuncher Buy a glass with the word "Master" on it (or several). Glue a coaster to the bottom. Problem solved. LMAO....I love you!!!

s1avepuncher -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/5/2008 8:48:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mistoferin Why can't submissives put the toilet seat back UP so the Master doesn't always have to? Putting the seat down is backwards, in my book.

MadRabbit -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/5/2008 8:49:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lashra quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit quote: ORIGINAL: Lashra Get their Mothers to teach them at home before they go out into the world then you won't have to teach him yourself. Of course many Mothers let males get away with this type of lazy behavior because "boys will be boys" <eyes roll>. Tell him how shitty the furniture is going to look and how much it will cost to replace. Tell him someone might fall over those clothes on the floor and hurt themselves (my ex did this and I broke him of it by throwing his clothes in the garbage. When he noticed he was running out of clothes I told him he'd find them at the local dump. That solved that). Tracking mud on the carpet means spending money to have the carpet cleaned etc etc. Tell him how much its going to cost and usually if you hit a sloppy lazy male in the wallet enough times it will start to make sense to him. Good luck, ~Lashra If you make a woman wear mismatched colors to the party, the next event she will probably be a lot quicker to pick some out instead of making you late via the inability to make a decision on a skirt. When all the money that gets wasted on guest towels that never get used and just collect dust on the towel rack starts to come out of her manicure money instead of your wallet, the house probably will be a lot more open and less cluttered with pointless superficial bullshit. Don't even get me started on shopping and credit cards... [:D] Go right ahead hun because none of that applies to this woman, now there are others that I know it would and some men I can think of. ~Lashra I apologize because I didn't do an adequate job of communicating the light-heartedness of that post.

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/5/2008 10:23:04 PM)
I had a house full of D-types -- honestly, the only thing that ever worked for me was following around after them and undoing the mess they left -- while I could talk to them, and they would often agree, that agreement never translated to action for more than a couple of days at a time. It's not just D-types, either. My ex was as s-type as they can get without actually -admitting- to being a submissive, and I spent 13 years trying to get him to do ONE thing... not leave a running trail of his field gear between the back door and our bedroom , and a string of towels between the bathroom and the closet when he came in from the field. What is completely ironic and hilarious to me, now, is that I've become the "dropper"... I regularly leave a trail of belongings between the front door and my favorite chair when I come in from work -- as annoying as it is, that couple of extra seconds that I could wait and organize my stuff just seems like -way- too much work at the time (or, even more likely, I'm deep in thought and don't even consider that I've left a trail of crap that even Godzilla could use to track me down.) Calla Firestorm

yourMissTress -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/5/2008 10:23:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mistoferin I know you're right....but that immediate thing just sort of pops right out. After I did it I felt really awful. Especially when he said "but I DID use a coaster!" Sure enough, I looked and he had used one of the dark marble coasters that we have. The problem was that it was a full glass of ice water....and he had forgotten all about it. I found it hours later so of course there was a river of condensation. I'm going to put those coasters up and get some that either have a lip or are absorbent because I really don't think I have the heart for "Coasters 101". He's not a slob honestly and in most ways he's really, really careful about stuff....and in some things he is even pickier than I am. I don't know....maybe it's just stuff that it seems that most women do automatically and it's frustrating that men seem to need reminders on stuff. I am not implying that he is a slob. And you are right, there are a hell of a lot worse things that he could do. But the fact that you posted it here and you are feeling guilty about the way you reacted mean, to me, that you don't want to repeat it. Having a conversation about it tomorrow, not coasters-101, but your reaction and your feelings about nagging, as well as his. Sometimes we think we are understood, sometimes we think we are misunderstood, and sometimes we are both.

LadyPact -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/5/2008 11:42:33 PM)
Listen here. This isn't a BDSM thing or a lifestyle thing. This is a how we live thing. You know, it took Me a lot of years to understand the idea behind how the toilet paper should roll. Even though he's not here, I think of it constantly.

aravain -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/6/2008 12:01:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact You know, it took Me a lot of years to understand the idea behind how the toilet paper should roll. Even though he's not here, I think of it constantly. Haha, my mom did that for me, my brother, and my dad. She got so angry that she took the toilet paper and hid it, and didn't tell any of us. Poor little brother going to the bathroom... I can remember the 'HEY!' [:D]

simpleplan2 -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/6/2008 3:16:38 AM)
Zackly. Erin, you're right...it's not the worst thing in the world and you can always get some wood paste that matches the color of whatever has the ring and "redye" it, but this IS a way we live thing. If you're like me, you worked hard for the money to buy that stuff and you want to keep it looking nice. Now, if he made the effort by using a coaster...wow! And do buy the more absorbent ones. Toilet seat lids up or down don't bother me cuz I ALWAYS look.

DesFIP -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/6/2008 3:28:01 AM)
Next time there's a ring, bring out the rottenstone or whatever you use to remove them and ask him to please fix it. If he keeps having to repair his damage, he will get the message. Or if he prefers he can pay to have the old varnish stripped and the furniture polyed instead. I'm sure he's not so unreasonable as to recognize that he is responsible for the damage he does. No help with the clothes except to kick them out of the way and let him find them later. And if you find a way to stop him from taking off his dirty socks all over the house, I'd appreciate it. He complains about never having any socks but if they aren't in the hamper I can't wash them. I rarely think of looking behind the sofa for them!

mistoferin -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/6/2008 4:30:51 AM)
Wow, thanks for all of the replies and some really good ideas. I know everyone is pretty much focused on the coaster....but this really isn't about a coaster. It was just kind of the catalyst that led to this. It's really more about how we convey these little things to our D types. How do we submissively tell them what our expectations are for such things? I mean, most women that I know do have certain ways they like to "keep house". I'm sure that all of this came about because the other day I asked Sir to do something but I asked in the form of a directive. I was busy steam cleaning the carpet and he was on his way out the door to somewhere and I caught him with a "Sir, please take that trash bag to the can on your way out". He responded with a "yes, Ma'am, I'll get right to that".....which just stopped me in my tracks. I certainly hadn't meant it the way that it sounded. It was one of those "Wow, I'm so sorry" moments for me. We both laughed and he asked me if I was aware how often I do that. Um, nope. But when he gave me a few examples I had no choice but realize that some of the things I say really DO sound like directives. He told me that he is completely aware that I don't mean anything by them and it's a kind of subconcious thing...but nonetheless, when he brought it to my attention I knew right away that it's something I want to change. I tried going back over my old relationship...and I don't remember wording things that way. Maybe it's because we were together so many years that we had just come to know how we liked things. Or maybe it is the fact that I spent a few years not getting involved in a relationship after that one ended. I got pretty comfortable taking care of just me and not being surprised by an extra pile of dirty clothes in an odd location....or a dripping glass on a china hutch. If there was a mess I made it. I got into routines how everything was kept and the processes of keeping them that way. So I have been extremely aware of how I say things the past few days since he pointed that out to me. A few times during the last few days I have caught myself before it came out and I was able to find a better way to express myself. But when I saw the water on the hutch....ugh! There it was. Sooooooo.....I'm really just trying to find more appropriate ways of expressing myself and still getting through because now honestly.....catching myself sounding like that is going to drive me more nuts than fixing white spots or picking up socks.

tweedydaddy -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/6/2008 4:32:45 AM)
Oh Dear! An overdose of reality perhaps? You think real life wouldn't get in sooner or later?

mistoferin -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/6/2008 4:34:48 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tweedydaddy Oh Dear! An overdose of reality perhaps? You think real life wouldn't get in sooner or later? Huh? Nope...I live ALL of my days very firmly planted in the real world.

sirsholly -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/6/2008 4:37:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: beargonewild The carton isn't empty if there's still a mouthful in it! yeah...and neither is the toilet paper roll if there is still one sheet on it. Men...GRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

simpleplan2 -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/6/2008 4:38:33 AM)
Erin, I think it's great that he understands that you don't mean it as a directive. Thus, your wanting to change the way you say it is on you, not him. That should make it easier. Personally, I didn't think it was a directive and as far as 'submissively" telling someone something...pffft! Like Celeste says, if he's making marks on my furniture, he's responsible for fixing it. If he's going out the door and the garbage needs taking out, asking him to please do it, is just asking him to do it. I don't see it as a submissive thing, but that's just me.

OneMoreWaste -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/6/2008 5:09:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mistoferin How do you get your dominant to stop putting glasses of liquid on wood furniture (resulting in white rings), When you see a drink with no coaster under it, pick it up, dry the furniture, place drink on coaster quote: dropping their clothes wherever they take them off, Pick up clothes, put in hamper quote: leaving the cap off the toothpaste, Put the cap back on the toothpaste quote: using a different drinking glass for every glass of water they consume, Wash the glasses. Be glad he's not drinking right out of the pitcher quote: tracking mud on the carpet, Ask him to please take his shoes off when he comes inside because the dirt is damaging the carpet quote: leaving the seat up, Put the seat down quote: setting down the remote(or their glasses or the car keys) wherever they might be, I'm not sure what the problem is with this one? quote: leaving the ice cream on the counter, Put ice cream in freezer quote: drinking out of the milk carton, Oops. Just be glad you don't live with my wife... your head would explode! [:D]

gypsygrl -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/6/2008 5:11:52 AM)
quote: hey, that's one of those little things that's gonna drive me nuts! What's wrong with just saying that? I use that, or a similar sentiment all the time: "thats something thats gonna make me crazy" or "its making me crazy." I don't so much insist that he change, but point out the effect the problematic behavior has on me and then let him decide if he wants to address it. Or, if its not so much the behavior itself, but the long term consequences of the behavior on our overall quality of life, I talk about that. I try to have at least one potential alternative behavior in mind, or a solution to the problem, when I bring it up for discussion. Asking someone to stop doing something often goes nowhere unless there's an agreed upon plan for doing something else instead. (Like, getting better coasters.) I do try to be aware of the possibility that maybe I'm being too picky about some things, and only make an issue of something if it really is making me nuts. If I can let something slide, I let it slide. Part of the thing for me is from the very beginning, even when we were 'just friends' he wanted me to help him get his house in order because he was feeling the effects of living like a bachelor for 3 or 4 years. So, when I do bring something up, he's very much open to hearing what I have to say and willing to put the effort into making things better.

sirsholly -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/6/2008 5:18:11 AM)
OneMoreWaste, i might follow your suggestions for one day...possibly two. Then his ass would be shipped back to Mommy.

OneMoreWaste -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/6/2008 5:59:19 AM)
Maybe i just take a more relaxed view of household stuff because I'm male (and we're all slobs! [8D]), but I've always believed in choosing my battles. I don't really feel that I have the right to change my partner's behavior if I consider myself to be submissive to her. I've even felt guilty about doing experiments (for example, if the toilet paper roll gets low, she'll place a new roll on the windowsill, but won't move it to the holder. I decided one time to see what would happen if I didn't put the new roll on the holder. Sure enough, it stayed on the windowsill until it was empty!) It's like that quote I see every once in a while- Rule #1- don't sweat the little stuff Rule #2- it's all little stuff. [8\|]

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