RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP!

RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (Full Version)

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SimplyMichael -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/6/2008 6:00:38 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lynnxz I find that an "O nooo!" in a sad voice, while rubbing helplessly at the ring when he's in the room usually helps. [:D] This is a perfect example of what I am going to suggest. The problem with nagging and overly large punishments is that he can then, in his mind say "it isn't a big deal because she is OVERLY sensative about this tiny issue". Instead, a minor correction makes him aware he has done something that bothers you and because your reaction isn't over the top, it is more likely he will look at his own behavior as the problem. It creates a minor cognitive dissonance that is hard to dismiss because it is minor and yet our mind wants to eliminate those things that cause dissonance and since he can't now just dissmiss it as nagging, the other choice is to change the behavior and actually internalize the change. WARNING Secret, topping from the bottom suggestion... Make damn sure when he does it that there is a subtle improvement in your demeanor and you show your pleasure at what he did.

GreedyTop -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/6/2008 6:01:43 AM)
Not all guys are slobs...LOL Almost all my exes were much better at housekeeping than I am....

tsatske -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/6/2008 6:12:48 AM)
quote: Tell him someone might fall over those clothes on the floor and hurt themselves (my ex did this and I broke him of it by throwing his clothes in the garbage. When he noticed he was running out of clothes I told him he'd find them at the local dump. That solved that). Picking up Master's clothes behind him is my job, and my joy. Oh, except, of course, that the only time my Master leaves his clothes anywhere except in the hamper is when I have stolen up the hamper to take it to the laundry room and failed to replace it with the other one and now they are both in the laundry room until i get around to doing the laundry... maybe i can find time tommorrow? quote: Tracking mud on the carpet means spending money to have the carpet cleaned etc etc. Tell him how much its going to cost and usually if you hit a sloppy lazy male in the wallet enough times it will start to make sense to him. We own a carpet cleaner. Cleaning the carpet is my job. Of course, so is vacuuming, and I swear I just did it... last month, maybe? seriously - I am the one who leaves my clothes where I take them off - usually in 'my' bathroom. Master ALWAYS uses a coaster, even on a plastic table top. Me? I use a coaster if there is one there. OTOH, if it is, oh, a foot or 2 out of reach, i just put my cup down. I leave glasses everywhere. there are always dishes on my desk. The garbage can, because I don't utilize it fully, is significantly neater than my car. I am owned by an anal retentive organized clean freak. Everything has a place. Everything has a hook or a basket all its own, ect. And, i'm trying, really, I am. (ask Master. He'll probably say, 'Oh, Yes, I find her VERY Trying')

OttersSwim -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/6/2008 6:17:18 AM)
I don't know where you will find a cat that likes to pee on clothes, but that is what broke me of leaving clothing spread hither thither and yon...that cat hated me...[&o]

GreedyTop -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/6/2008 6:19:27 AM)
the passenger side floorboard and back seat are meant for trash, arent they? quote: The garbage can, because I don't utilize it fully, is significantly neater than my car.

tsatske -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/6/2008 6:21:53 AM)
GT, once, I was driving my mother somewhere, and I rolled down my window and tossed a cup out. And my mother said, 'Latricia! You Liter!' Then she looked around my car and said, 'I never would have known....'

TreasureKY -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/6/2008 6:24:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OneMoreWaste ... I've always believed in choosing my battles. I don't really feel that I have the right to change my partner's behavior ... Rule #1- don't sweat the little stuff Rule #2- it's all little stuff. I wholeheartedly agree! I'd only add one more suggestion... After picking up the umpteenth pair of dirty underwear off the floor... or cleaning the toothpaste spray off the bathroom mirror for the hundredth time... when you just want to scream, tear your hair out and wonder aloud how this person would ever manage were you not there to clean up their messes... take a deep breath, close your eyes... and say a small prayer of thanks for having someone to share your life with.

GreedyTop -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/6/2008 6:28:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tsatske GT, once, I was driving my mother somewhere, and I rolled down my window and tossed a cup out. And my mother said, 'Latricia! You Liter!' Then she looked around my car and said, 'I never would have known....' Smacks ya for throwing a cup out teh window (but yeah.. my mom has said the same thing.. which is why now, when I know someone else is going to be in the car, ahead of time, I clear out all the accumulated newspapers etc...)

gypsygrl -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/6/2008 6:53:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GreedyTop quote: ORIGINAL: tsatske GT, once, I was driving my mother somewhere, and I rolled down my window and tossed a cup out. And my mother said, 'Latricia! You Liter!' Then she looked around my car and said, 'I never would have known....' Smacks ya for throwing a cup out teh window (but yeah.. my mom has said the same thing.. which is why now, when I know someone else is going to be in the car, ahead of time, I clear out all the accumulated newspapers etc...) I was a little upset when he took my car and had it cleaned, inside and out. They did the windows and vaccumed and even put this stinky thing under the seat that makes the whole car smell like an old lady. I had been looking forward to doing the windows for a long time 'cause they were really dirty (I smoke) and I love cleaning really dirty stuff. Alot of times, I'd be driving and I'd get thinking about how much fun it was going to be when I cleaned those windows. I wanted to cry when I found out they washed them. When we talked about it, it dawned on me that every guy I had ever been partnered up with was weird about how dirty my car was and they never seemed to care as much about the inside of their house. I don't get that: ya live in a house, and just drive in a car. Its gotta be some kind of mars/venus thing. They also get upset when the brake light comes on (it'll go off--just give it time). You can imagine their reaction when they tell me the engine lights on, and I say, "yeah, its been like that for years." To me, those are little things and not worth throwing a cow over. I was driving this old beater car once, and the breaks were acting funky. The car had no mirrors; none at all. I stopped in a garage and talked someone into looking at the breaks and maybe jerryrigging them so I could make it home. He went to take the car out for a drive to see what the problem with and relized there were no mirrors. He got out of the car, and started yelling at me saying, "you can't drive a car with no mirrors!" I was like, "I can drive a car with no mirrors! I've been doing it for a couple months! Whats wrong with you?" I didnt say that; I just nodded my head aggreeably and appologized for being stupid because I really wanted him to do something about the breaks. But, men! they get so excited about some of the littleist things. lol

Mercnbeth -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/6/2008 7:47:12 AM)
it's pretty simplified around here. He does as He pleases...puts glasses or whatever, where He wants them to be. why shouldn't He?---this slave does not limit Him. besides, it would be incredibly uncomfortable for this slave to tell Master what He can or cannot do, with His possessions, within His own home. the whole idea of it just feels wrong, for this slave. Edited to add: (Merc) quote: How do you get your dominant to stop putting glasses of liquid on wood furniture (resulting in white rings), I'm much more 'anal retentive' about these things than beth in the first place. If anything I get pissed about seeing this, and many of the other things that you point out. I'm not quite 'Monk-like' in my compulsions, but it takes an effort not to be so regarding tidiness at least. On the other hand, beth is much more 'germ-phobic' as a result of the 'training' she got during her formative years. I guess that helps beth in some regards, but it also sets a standard regarding dishes, cups, car appearance, paper piles, pool towels, and the like.

sirsholly -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/6/2008 8:17:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OneMoreWaste It's like that quote I see every once in a while- Rule #1- don't sweat the little stuff Rule #2- it's all little stuff. i disagree that being too lazy or thoughtless to use a coaster and ruining the furniture is "small stuff". Nor do i find it cute, funny, or Dom/sub thing. It is the distructive behavior of a slob.

Lynnxz -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/6/2008 8:22:41 AM)
If I try to get him to stop putting glasses on the unfinished steel table... is that limiting the domly dom... or protecting his property from rust circles?

KnightofMists -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/6/2008 8:27:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mistoferin Seriously though, has anyone figured out a way to get these little annoying things across without sounding like the nagging, unsubmissive, bitch from hell? If there is a secret trick I'd sure like to know. A suggestion.......... ask permission to put out those glass coasters....... Then.......... put them out EVERYWHERE.... He has a habit... he needs to retrain himself..... He needs to learn to think about the placement of his glass with the coaster.. having them out and very visible will make a difference. over time... you can start to remove a few... slowly... as he looks and gets the coaster without any thought. oh yeah... he has to be committed to wanting to change the habit in the first place... if he does... then run with it... if not... Your screwed!!!!

Rover -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/6/2008 8:35:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth it's pretty simplified around here. He does as He pleases...puts glasses or whatever, where He wants them to be. why shouldn't He?---this slave does not limit Him. besides, it would be incredibly uncomfortable for this slave to tell Master what He can or cannot do, with His possessions, within His own home. the whole idea of it just feels wrong, for this slave. I haven't read all the replies in this thread (always a dangerous thing), but this one pretty much sums up my own feelings on the subject. Perhaps you could have glass cut to place on the surfaces you're worried about (hotels do this), so that he can continue to go about putting glasses where he wants, without the nuisance of coasters strewn about, or the marred wood. John

bound4more -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/6/2008 8:40:16 AM)
quote: Tonight, my sweet Sir did one of those things. I picked up a sweaty glass of water off the china hutch to reveal a large white ring. Ugh! Immediately I said "Sir, you can't leave glasses on the wood". As soon as the words came out of my mouth I realized just how "naggy" they sounded. Now it's not the first time he's done that....and it's not the first time I've said it. There have been a number of times. I guess it's just one of those things that just doesn't dawn on him. Thankfully, he always puts the seat down so it all works out.[:D] Seriously though, has anyone figured out a way to get these little annoying things across without sounding like the nagging, unsubmissive, bitch from hell? If there is a secret trick I'd sure like to know. The one thing my Dom particularly dislikes is being controlled in any manner. So I seek to express my viewpoints in ways that do not challenge his authority. If I wish to discuss something with him that I dislike and doesn't appear to be that important to him, I kneel first to present respect and ask if I can discuss something. For example with this particular example, I may say, I love taking care of our home, Sir, and it's my understanding that you enjoy it too. I'm having a problem with the marks a wet glass leaves on the table, how do you recommend I deal with this Sir? To me, this states MY problem, not his behavior. Hope this helps.

WhiplashSmile2 -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/6/2008 8:50:03 AM)
LOL... you mean there are DOMs out there that have not been properly trained and conditioned by a sub/slave yet? Every once in awhile, I will do some bone headed thing and slip up. It all depends upon the level of neat freak I'm dealing with. Beverages on Wood can be a bitch. In fact dare I admit it, I own a coffee table that I ended up covering with a thin layer of polyurethane. No more rings from anything being set down upon it. No problems, no rings, no coasters required. Can even get special cut glass tops for night stands and such as well. I myself hate toothpaste caps left off and a few other things. Still none the less, I have in the past have done some of the boneheaded things you expressed in your OP. However, I've become rather housebroken by my past partners.

TreasureKY -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/6/2008 8:58:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sirsholly i disagree that being too lazy or thoughtless to use a coaster and ruining the furniture is "small stuff". Nor do i find it cute, funny, or Dom/sub thing. It is the distructive behavior of a slob. I'm sorry, but I disagree with you. In the big scheme of things, a marred table top is hardly important. Yeah... we pay good money to have nice things and we'd like to keep them that way. But choosing between living with water rings or dealing with the stress cause by worrying about them, fretting about how to make someone else behave the way I'd like, and the discord that can be caused in a relationship by clashing over triviality... I'll take the water marks any day. Life will not come screeching to a halt because there's a ring on my coffee table, the toilet paper is put on backwards, or there's a pair of socks and shoes on the floor in the middle of the living room. True, life for me won't end, either, if Firm were killed in a car accident tomorrow (God forbid), but housekeeping issues are a lot less destructive and vastly less important to me. Edited to add: It's not a dom/sub thing, either. It's learning to live with someone you love in peace and harmony... letting go of the small stuff... accepting, forgiving and forgetting.

mangle -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/6/2008 9:03:15 AM)
My ex used to have that same habit; of leaving cups and glasses on tables to the point that a water ring became permanent. I solved the issue by buying some of those foam cup holders, the ones used for keeping glasses, bottles and cans cold. He grumbled a bit a first because they are a bit awkward to use, but eventually it got to even the point that he would put one on by himself without thinking. Just something that I thought I would suggest.

Missokyst -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/6/2008 9:07:29 AM)
I have no clue how to do that unless you are raising them. However, it did make me wonder if that is why my elderly female relatives always used doilies, and covered over stuff with plastic. Kyst

Lynnxz -> RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! (10/6/2008 9:08:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TreasureKY quote: ORIGINAL: sirsholly i disagree that being too lazy or thoughtless to use a coaster and ruining the furniture is "small stuff". Nor do i find it cute, funny, or Dom/sub thing. It is the distructive behavior of a slob. I'm sorry, but I disagree with you. In the big scheme of things, a marred table top is hardly important. Yeah... we pay good money to have nice things and we'd like to keep them that way. But choosing between living with water rings or dealing with the stress cause by worrying about them, fretting about how to make someone else behave the way I'd like, and the discord that can be caused in a relationship by clashing over triviality... I'll take the water marks any day. Life will not come screeching to a halt because there's a ring on my coffee table, the toilet paper is put on backwards, or there's a pair of socks and shoes on the floor in the middle of the living room. True, life for me won't end, either, if Firm were killed in a car accident tomorrow (God forbid), but housekeeping issues are a lot less destructive and vastly less important to me. I guess it depends if you make it a huge deal. You don't have to over react to rings on the furniture and such, and I don't even bother with socks and toilet paper issues... those aren't going to cause lasting damage. Just because someone is a dominant, doesn't give them free reign to destroy the house. We don't have an enourmous clashing of wills when something is messed up... just a quick comment here or there, and the other takes the hint. Drama is not part of our lives.

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