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RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! - 10/6/2008 9:18:46 AM

Mercnbeth

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quote:

...Just because someone is a dominant, doesn't give them free reign to destroy the house...

why not? given it's their house and their rules?

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RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! - 10/6/2008 9:24:17 AM

Lynnxz

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From: Atlanta
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

...Just because someone is a dominant, doesn't give them free reign to destroy the house...

why not? given it's their house and their rules?

I had to sit and think about this for a second... I was only thinking along the lines of my relationship, not a total M/s thing.

If they stand there and SAY "This is MY house, and I do not care about circles" that's one thing...and there's nothing you can do about it. if it's an absent minded "Shit, circles again." then I suppose the submissive has a chance to change their behavior.

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RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! - 10/6/2008 9:33:55 AM

TreasureKY

Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lynnxz

... If they stand there and SAY "This is MY house, and I do not care about circles" that's one thing ...

Let's take it one further...

Assuming you live together, why would they have to declare anything? Wouldn't it be obvious that it's their house, too? Wouldn't it also be obvious that... unless they complained and said, "shit... circles again"... that they didn't really care about water rings enough to use protection in the first place?

Why do people feel like they have a right or duty to help others change their behavior without being asked?

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RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! - 10/6/2008 9:35:07 AM

Missokyst

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I would like to point out that sometimes it is not their house. Sometimes it is her house and her things.
Not everyone signs over home and items to their mate when they become a couple.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

...Just because someone is a dominant, doesn't give them free reign to destroy the house...

why not? given it's their house and their rules?

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

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RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! - 10/6/2008 9:35:59 AM

RealSub58

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http://shopping.yahoo.com/search;_ylc=X3oDMTIzOTVxaTRxBF9TAzc4NDcxNzI0MARfcwMxNDQ4OTExNQRwcnRucl9pZAMyMTE4MTE4BHNlYwNhZmZpbGlhdGUEc2xrA2xhbmRpbmc-?rd=1&p=Coasters&view=g&affiliate=rw&AID=10473284&PID=2118118&SID=CTTys5k382918-26338

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RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! - 10/6/2008 9:40:13 AM

subtee

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~FR

I wouldn't be adept at changing another's behavior. I'd worry for myself if I was...

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RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! - 10/6/2008 9:43:26 AM

Mercnbeth

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

I would like to point out that sometimes it is not their house. Sometimes it is her house and her things.
Not everyone signs over home and items to their mate when they become a couple.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

...Just because someone is a dominant, doesn't give them free reign to destroy the house...

why not? given it's their house and their rules?

indeed, this slave was merely offering a different viewpoint, not insisting on any One-True-Way...that's why she stated the given that it was the dominant's house.

this slave is well aware that a large number of submissives retain all sorts of autonomy when they enter into relationships, it would be pretty hard not to notice that after spending a few years reading the threads here!!!

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RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! - 10/6/2008 9:43:41 AM

WinsomeDefiance

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I don't think there are any secret tricks to modifying anyone's long-standing bad habits. If the relationship was lovely otherwise, and all I had to worry about was picking up after my dominant and setting coasters under his glasses, I would consider that quite a blessing honestly. I know small things add up, if you let it, but if he's still doing things after 30 years, I'd probably be pretty resigned to it myself. I guess I'm just one of those enabler types who would rather pick it up myself, than let it worry me overall. I would, personally, weigh the balance between having a peaceful home against the frustration and disharmony of harboring resentment over things outside of my control.

However, as it is obviously bothering you, the only thing I can think is that one way you might get the point across is to hand him 3 competitive estimates for the cost of refinishing the furniture.

When my childrn refused to clean their rooms after repeated requests for them to do so, I went in there and bagged everything up and what went into bags, went into the attick for 6 months - the only exception to that was school books and library books. I wouldn't recommend this for a submissive to do, however, since I would consider it quite presumptive. Once years and years and years ago, I did get fed up with my husband, and kids for being slobs and had a bonfire out in the back yard. Unfortunately, that backfired and I had my ass beat for it. However, it was a rather satisfying evening of Smores, if I say so myself.

< Message edited by WinsomeDefiance -- 10/6/2008 9:47:57 AM >

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RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! - 10/6/2008 9:52:43 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

...Just because someone is a dominant, doesn't give them free reign to destroy the house...

why not? given it's their house and their rules?

ok...if it is his house, sure.

Here...it is OUR house and a great deal of the antique furniture was passed down to me from my family

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RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! - 10/6/2008 10:11:22 AM

Mercnbeth

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~ Fast Reply ~

The evolution of 'cute'.

At the meeting, he shows up with a dirty tee-shirt and mismatched socks. At the party later that night - he 'socks' it to her. The next morning she tells him she thinks that his socks are 'cute'. His casual reply; "Really - I have another pair at home just like them!".

She sees that as an invitation and the next weekend they're moving in together. He opens one drawer, grabs out the contents in his arms, dumps them in a corner on top of another pile, and declares the drawer is hers. She looks for a place to put her toothbrush next to his - but finds out he doesn't have one. She tells him that's so 'cute' and spends the rest of the weekend in bed with him.

Monday morning, she comes home from work and cleans up everything, puts everything away and prepares a fantastic dinner for them to share. She's never seen anyone eat mashed potatoes with their fingers, but smiles and thinks to herself; "how cute!".

Fast forward three months and there's a CM thread:

"My Dominant is a slob! He thinks its 'cute' to throw his clothes on the floor, sometime right next to the hamper, for me to pick up and clean. He has awful eating habits, and I don't think I've ever seen him brush his teeth in the three months we've been together. How can I get my Dominant to consider how much work and change his habits that he thinks are 'cute'!?"

Most of the time people and things are exactly as they present themselves. Keep a critical eye and observe behavior as it is and not through rose colored glasses or projected images of what a person will be like after you come into their life. People don't change, but sometimes definitions of words - like 'cute' - do. Accept them, live with them, but most of all don't complain when their behavior is consistent to what it was when you found them.

Often being troubled with things like this reach the crisis level because its easier to identify them as a cause for relationship issues instead of going deeper to find a more pragmatic cause. After all, that effort can result in taking on some personal blame. A water ring on a table is much easier to point to and personify as representing not only the disrespect for property, but of you as the person who takes care of it. No one would ever admit to a water ring as a cause for a break up; 'disrespect' is much more common. Maybe instead of being angry you should be grateful that he provided an opportunity to rationalize why he and his behavior is no longer 'cute'.

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RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! - 10/6/2008 10:58:39 AM

mistoferin

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Another fast reply~

Wow....I'm sitting here reading the replies and well.....I guess I should have expected it.....this is CM after all..........

Let me clarify a few things:

We have NOT been together 30 years.

We did NOT rush into a relationship nor did I spend a weekend with him and start combining sock drawers on Monday morning.

He doesn't have a long list of slovenly habits.....certainly not long enough to even begin to consider him a SLOB.

It is OUR house....I am ONE person who wants to keep OUR house looking the way WE BOTH AGREE it should look.

Although I didn't specifically see him leave a glass on a wood surface while we were dating, he is exactly as he presented himself to be....and I was paying attention. So no, I didn't latch on to someone I wanted to change....nor do I want to change him now.

I've never looked at anything or anyone through rose colored glasses.....EVER.

There is NO crisis level going on.....it's a freaking water spot(which is already gone btw)....let's not make a mountain of a molehill.

My thread is not some disquised whine about how he is disrespectful to me....he's NOT.

I am also not angry....never was....and if I found that I really could manage to actually get angry over a watermark....I think I'd probably really start worrying about myself.

I wasn't complaining about his behavior and if in the end I had to make a decision between having him AND the waterspots....or not having him at all......I'd choose him and find some cutesy way of working the spot patterns into the decor....smiling!

I mean come on folks...talk about taking the ball and running with it....holy crap!

And if I missed anything that even implies that this is all some major crisis that would suggest an impending break-up of my relationship...I can pretty much guarantee that it misses the mark too.

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Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

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RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! - 10/6/2008 11:29:53 AM

gypsygrl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

...Just because someone is a dominant, doesn't give them free reign to destroy the house...

why not? given it's their house and their rules?

Yeah, if thats what they really want to do, then I don't see any reason or grounds for interference. I probably wouldn't want to get too involved with them though, and I certainly wouldn't want to live with them. lol

Early on, this was a big sticking point between me and Sir because, when we first met, I didn't think I could tolerate his housekeeping. I just assumed he was living the way he wanted to but over time, he convinced me that he wasn't happy with the way he was living either and really wanted my assistence (I'm really good with the domestic stuff and enjoy it). At first I didn't buy it--I'm not naive--but he's been consistently following through on my suggestions and hasn't been resisting. Sometimes, people just let things go because housekeeping isn't their thing and it just takes some gentle nudging in the right direction to make improvements. Their lives are messy not as a matter of conscious choice but because they've gotten careless. Its like one of Ogden Nash's sins of omission, rather than a sin of commission.

I still run everything by him because, well, its his house and I don't want to make any changes without his ok.

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RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! - 10/6/2008 1:21:21 PM

azropedntied

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Erin buy one of the drink hard hats with the straws , then you know the rings shall not be on the tables .

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RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! - 10/6/2008 2:12:07 PM

Twicehappy2x

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Hello hello.

Ok folks, from somebody who knows Erin and her Sir personally.

Abaxus is not a slob. He has spent two weeks in my own personal bedroom and trust me, i never saw him being a slob. Well, there was that one sex toy i found under the bed. So the one of you who has never done this, go ahead throw stones, everybody else stop.

I never let anybody stay in my room, it is my personal sanctuary, i asked them too, think i'd do that if either of them were slobs.

Erin and he spent months courting before spending even a weekend together. Even after that it was a good bit of time before they cohabited.

Abaxus is exactly the same person now as he was before they moved in together. He is an awesome, loving, caring, concerned dominant doing his utmost to take good care of Erin and build a life together with her.

Plus he does this amazing dance..........

Erin does not have rose colored glasses, if anything she is much like i am, she looks at everything under a microscope and weighs the evidence carefully.

The point Erin was making is that SHE caught HERSELF in a behavior that while he understood and had no issue with SHE was unhappy about. And was light heartedly asking if others here did the same sort of thing and what did they do to correct it.

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RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! - 10/6/2008 2:34:45 PM

mistoferin

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LOL....thank you. Gosh, was I really that unclear?

Hugs and take care of yourself. A little birdie told me you might be coming down with something.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

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RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! - 10/6/2008 2:50:02 PM

NorthernGent

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Just ask him to take more care.........presumably he's older than 8 and capable of employing his reason?

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RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! - 10/6/2008 6:35:36 PM

MercTech

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You could always beg him not to make you wear the "mommy hat" when you have to clean up after him like that.

Stefan

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RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! - 10/6/2008 7:00:05 PM

OneMoreWaste

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

quote:

ORIGINAL: OneMoreWaste

It's like that quote I see every once in a while-

Rule #1- don't sweat the little stuff
Rule #2- it's all little stuff.

i disagree that being too lazy or thoughtless to use a coaster and ruining the furniture is "small stuff". Nor do i find it cute, funny, or Dom/sub thing. It is the distructive behavior of a slob.

*shrug* I spend most of my time at my computer, which is on a secondhand office desk that's impervious to the dreaded water stains, and pretty much everything else as well. The coffee table has a couple of marks that I think are actually from nail polish remover, but they're pretty minor compared to the scratches the cats put in it.

I figure, the coffee table's job is to hold remote controls and beverages. It still accomplishes both jobs perfectly well, so it could hardly be said to be ruined.

Ergo: little stuff.

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RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! - 10/6/2008 7:13:34 PM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

...Just because someone is a dominant, doesn't give them free reign to destroy the house...

why not? given it's their house and their rules?

In this case it happens to be my house and my antique furniture.

Which brings up the point the op didn't mention. Any furniture that has varnish and gets white rings is over 50 years old. Maybe not antique but not local unfurnished furniture store either. If it's old enough to have varnish, it is valuable.

How would you feel if you owned a classic '66 vette and somebody didn't bother closing the door properly, just kicked it shut leaving a dimple? It's only a car? No it's a valuable asset which you are proud of.

And any furniture which can get white rings is valuable furniture.

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RE: After 30 years I still don't know how....please HELP! - 10/6/2008 7:20:33 PM

azropedntied

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sorry but if you kick shut a 66 vette it can not dent , fiberglass cracks , paint may chip , and if it were my vette they would have to hop on one leg .

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