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RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/7/2008 2:49:57 PM   
MasterLynxx


Posts: 17
Joined: 1/9/2008
Status: offline 		leadership, again you are incredibly helpful. And not only that, but waking up this morning after getting all of the advice I've gotten, I actually feel stronger, and much much more confident.But please, if any more advice comes up, please don't hesitate to put more here, I'm young, still learning. Anything helps.

And thank you to everyone else, all of you give wonderful advice. And I appreciate it very much.


< Message edited by MasterLynxx -- 10/7/2008 2:50:24 PM >

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/7/2008 3:00:45 PM   
MizSexyVixen


Posts: 137
Joined: 6/6/2008
Status: offline 		You're a sweetie MasterLynxx, I predict you will go far in anything you endeavor.

_____________________________

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, I was aiming for your balls.

check out my updated web site with five pages of photos

www.MizVixen.com

(in reply to MasterLynxx)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/7/2008 3:05:42 PM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

You're either a dom or you're not. You're not. It isn't something you learn, or that "grows".


This is complete bullshit.

Read KnightofMist's and leadership's posts.

My work here is done.

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/7/2008 3:16:09 PM   
MasterLynxx


Posts: 17
Joined: 1/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MizSexyVixen

You're a sweetie MasterLynxx, I predict you will go far in anything you endeavor.


Thank you for your confidence, it truly helps me. I feel I will go very far. And I'm looking forward to the journey.

(in reply to MizSexyVixen)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/7/2008 3:24:17 PM   
DS4DUMMIES


Posts: 180
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline 		A starting point to consider.

There is a considerable difference between effort exerted to win, and effort exerted not to lose.
They are very different concepts.

If you are directing your efforts toward achieving the latter, and not the former, you have a place to start making changes.


_____________________________

"When we walk to the edge of all the light we have and take the step into the darkness of the unknown, we must believe that one of two things will happen. There will be something solid for us to stand on or we will be taught to fly.” Patrick Overton

(in reply to SirMIkeSD)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/7/2008 3:24:22 PM   
tweedydaddy


Posts: 673
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		You need to spend some time studying yourself. Find the strength that you feel you have. You won't find it anywhere else. If you spend some time getting to know your dominant side you might well be surprised. Look up on workshops in your area, read some decent books as recommended by experienced Doms, God knows there are enough of them here. You need to ask the person who wants to be your sub what they want, what aspects of your character appeal to them.
Confidence with anything comes from experience, I was taught by several much older women in my teens and still value the lessons.
Perhaps a male dominant couple in your area might let you watch and join in.
Maybe you might express your dom side by putting your own picture on your profile? Express you real self for who you are?
The best of all possible luck to you.

(in reply to MasterLynxx)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/7/2008 4:54:38 PM   
RexLongBeach


Posts: 58
Joined: 10/30/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterLynxx

Hey everyone, I'm in need of a bit of help. I know I'm a Dom at heart, but I don't have the confidence to express it to my sub, who knows she's a sub. She doesn't see me as ready to dominate quite yet because I lack confidence. Have any of you had that problem, where you lack confidence at the beginning of your lifestyle? If so, how did you overcome that?

One of the unfortunate "Catch-22s" of D/s is that authentic confidence requires experience, which is difficult to get until one has experience.

It may be worth your while to get out to some munches. In particular, listen to the Dominants and identify one or two you feel you can respect. Then, ask the questions you need answers to.

Some of the advice in this thread has been very good, but nothing will be as valuable to you as actually stepping out and processing through the questions you have in your mind about D/s, yourself, and your role in D/s. You didn't identify what's on your mind (self-confidence is a pretty broad topic) but some starting questions could be:
  • Is this normal?
  • Why does she want to submit?
  • Who appointed me to be a Grand Lord Dominant Master type? What gives me the right?
  • What sorts of stuff should I ask her to do? Is there anything I shouldn't ask for?
  • What if I hurt her?
  • Is this fair? Does it need to be?
  • What do I do if she disobeys? Or seems unengaged? Or disrespectful?
  • What do I do if she really pleases me? Or trys hard but fails? Or gets mad?
  • What toys do I need?
  • How will I know if she's really having trouble with an instruction or if she's just testing me?

Just as there is no official way to gain D/s or BDSM (or real life) self confidence, there is no "official" D/s or BDSM list of questions. Find your own way. Ask your own questions; find your own answers.

As you do, you'll find your confidence growing - naturally.

Good luck and have fun,
Rex

< Message edited by RexLongBeach -- 10/7/2008 4:55:36 PM >

(in reply to MasterLynxx)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/7/2008 7:45:12 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		Honestly, the only way I've found to become more confident is practice. Repeatable behavior repeated again and again. That's why I can teach large classes. I started small and practiced. That's why I can spin fire. I started with tennis balls on strings and practiced. Gaining confidence in relationships is the same; start small and practice. Set a few rules and stay focused on them until they're done the way you want. Then add more.

One of the things that really helps is a sincere effort to continually better yourself, too.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to MasterLynxx)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/7/2008 9:39:46 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

Well, I'm going to have to disagree with those who've said you can't learn to be a dominant.  In my experience, people can learn to be damned near anything when they want to be.  Training someone to be a good leader is done every day in various contexts throughout the world.  Training someone to use whips and chains properly is trivial. 

I lacked "confidence" when I started... sort of anyway... close enough.  I got through that with the help of my wife and sub... as a team...  two people with a shared goal working through the difficulties as they came up.  Mike's advice is solid for gaining confidence with anything.  Start slow on easy things... become confident with that and then reach outwards from there.  The big concern I have here is that you and your sub are not working as a team which kind of means any sort of relationship is doomed to failure.


I ain't buying it.   You can "teach" ppl anything,  The persons ability to "learn" is quite another matter.  Lot's of ppl fail at things they have been taught.  ppl fail at their jobs, ppl fail in school, you get the concept.   Just like you can train someone to be a leader the miltary does it all the time.  However you cannot train someone to be a " good and effective leader" That's a horse of a different color.

BadOne

< Message edited by SailingBum -- 10/7/2008 9:51:04 PM >

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/7/2008 10:31:26 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum
I ain't buying it.   You can "teach" ppl anything,  The persons ability to "learn" is quite another matter.  Lot's of ppl fail at things they have been taught.  ppl fail at their jobs, ppl fail in school, you get the concept.   Just like you can train someone to be a leader the miltary does it all the time.  However you cannot train someone to be a " good and effective leader" That's a horse of a different color.
This might just be symantics or maybe we'll have to agree to disagree.  But in my experience, people are highly flexible and capable when properly motivated.  My general rule of thumb is that people can become 80% good at just about anything they set their mind to.  Getting that last 20%... notably the last 1 or 2%... that's where innate attributes mix together to make greatness.  But let's be realistic here.  We're talking about leading a team of exactly two here.  This is not leading hundreds or thousands with millions or billions on the line with every decision.  Even rudimentary skills are more than adequate to the task.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/8/2008 6:53:47 AM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		I might be stepping on some toes here, so be it. First of all we all carry within us characteristics of both dominant and submissive. One might be more predominate then the other. When we realize that then we can start to work at bringing it out in us.  Second as in anything, you are going to make mistakes. Mistakes are excellent tools for growth. Learn from them wisely and don't look back, as you grow more into your Dominant nature.Sir will apologize occassionaly if he felt he made a mistake. To me this is very powerful. A person who is dominant and can own up to his mistakes. Third do not let others define who you are. They do not walk within you and cannot give you any 100% valid feedback and this includes your submissive.

Blessings
oceanwynds


(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/8/2008 7:10:15 AM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

Well, I'm going to have to disagree with those who've said you can't learn to be a dominant.  In my experience, people can learn to be damned near anything when they want to be.  Training someone to be a good leader is done every day in various contexts throughout the world.  Training someone to use whips and chains properly is trivial. 

I lacked "confidence" when I started... sort of anyway... close enough.  I got through that with the help of my wife and sub... as a team...  two people with a shared goal working through the difficulties as they came up.  Mike's advice is solid for gaining confidence with anything.  Start slow on easy things... become confident with that and then reach outwards from there.  The big concern I have here is that you and your sub are not working as a team which kind of means any sort of relationship is doomed to failure.


I ain't buying it.   You can "teach" ppl anything,  The persons ability to "learn" is quite another matter.  Lot's of ppl fail at things they have been taught.  ppl fail at their jobs, ppl fail in school, you get the concept.   Just like you can train someone to be a leader the miltary does it all the time.  However you cannot train someone to be a " good and effective leader" That's a horse of a different color.

BadOne


According to John Maxwell, 4 out of 5 leaders became "good and effective leaders" because of the mentoring and influence of another leader. Only 1 out of 5 stumbled through it on their own via natural gifting and talent.

People on these boards like to take the intellectually lazy way out of any discussion on dominance by saying it's the result of some kind of special "Dom" gene your born with.
  • Can we not learn assertive and effective communication skills from someone else?
  • Can we not learn self discipline?
  • How about having a positive and constructive attitude toward your followers?
  • Is identifying the cause of problems and effectively dealing with the problem on that level a result of natural "Dom" intuition or experience?
  • How about the ability to carefully weigh options and make a calculated decision?

These are all things that have been developed in me via the influence of really awesome leaders I have met.

The desire to be the one in charge of a relationship is something innate to our personalities, but as far as everything else beyond that....it can be learned by anyone. It just takes the influence of good leaders and patience to slowly develop the skills over time via seasoning. I can guarantee where I am at 10 years from now will be drastically different then where I am now. Just like where I am now is drastically different then where I was 3 years ago.




_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/8/2008 7:51:17 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit
The desire to be the one in charge of a relationship is something innate to our personalities,


You know, even this is much overblown.  Honestly, it had never occurred to me before a year ago to be the one in charge in my marriage.  If my wife died, my current thought is that I'd go looking for a vanilla partner, not a submissive.  So while I'm enjoying myself and, apparently, good at it - it's clearly true that it is not "innate to my personality".  Is it really so impossible to think that you can just be a seasoned and experienced leader and end up deploying those skills within your own marriage?  Does it need to be so... well... melodramatic?

As you said though Mad, it is common in the BDSM community for doms and subs alike to declare themselves as some special breed of human with the secret D or S gene.  Personally, I'm guessing three reasons for that..

a)  It makes us special
Gotta love being in the exclusive club of people with the gene.  Thank god I'm not one of those vanilla people.

b)  It means we can be lazy
Dominants can reduce the concept of "training" down to simplistic things like, "Here's how I want my bed made" rather than needing to grapple with complex topics like, "Here's how to train someone to thrive in a submissive role."  Submissives, accordingly, get to be entirely lazy.  After all, they were born with the gene right?  What else do you really need when you were born into a state of perfection? 

c)  It means established doms can stave off newcomers and reduce competition.
Exactly as in this thread.  "You can't be a dom.  If you were a dom, you'd already be a dom.  Since you're not already a dom, you can never be a dom."  *phew* mission accomplished. 

In the end, I have spent a fair amount of time in my career training future leaders and, overall, I had reasonable success rates.  Those are the facts whether or not they make all the doms here uncomfortable.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/8/2008 8:26:04 AM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527
In the end, I have spent a fair amount of time in my career training future leaders and, overall, I had reasonable success rates.  Those are the facts whether or not they make all the doms here uncomfortable.


I agree with you. Most of what I apply to being an authority figure in my intimate relationships I've learned in the vanilla world by identifying people at work or in other roles of life who have strong leadership skills and character and hanging around them. I do the same thing on these message boards with who I contact for private discussion.

But I think it's important to realize the scope of the word "dominant" as used on these boards. Our "lifestyles" are very similar, in the fact, that it mostly constitutes "an authority based relationship" and therefore being a "dominant" constitutes mostly leadership skills.

This doesn't apply to the majority of the people who post on these message boards where their "lifestyles" constitutes a whole variety of unique sexual desires (kinks, fetishes, sadism, power trips, etc, etc) and therefore their definition of "dominant" constitutes these desires.

So given that, I would say that when most people reference being a "dominant" as something innate, they are referencing those unique sexual desires that constitute their "lifestyle" as opposed to the leadership skills we use to define being a "dominant".

Now if we solely define "dominant" as "authority figure", then I would agree with you. It's not the result of some special gene, because the issue of "who wears the pants" is one that comes up with 90% of the vanilla guys I talk to regarding their relationship dynamics. They just don't seek out sub cultures of people who have created an entire philosophy and new addition to the common language based on that aspect of authority in intimate relationships nor is the dynamic of their relationship based on that

Edited to Add : Another difference between me and these guys is that authority in a relationship is intricately linked to my sex drive which is something I would consider innate to my personality as in the definitions above.

< Message edited by MadRabbit -- 10/8/2008 8:31:53 AM >

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/8/2008 10:04:01 AM   
dangerousangel


Posts: 31
Joined: 6/12/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

You're either a dom or you're not. You're not. It isn't something you learn, or that "grows".


I sorta disagree. I agree that either the -desire- is there, or it's not, the innate want to have control. That said, I think it's very possible to grow in your ability to excerise that, and your ability to use it.

Hell, I've -watched- it in my Owner, in our time together. He always had the drive to control, but as we spend more time together, he's found his stride, found the types of control and the methods of power that are the most enjoyable and rewarding for him.

I think it's a bit like artistic expression. You can't -learn- to be an artist, it's a drive you're born with. However, you can learn to better express your artistic nature and tallent. You can practice painting, and improve your skill.


To the OP- I think it's possible to grow in confidence -with- one's girl. In my experience, it took my Owner realizing it was ok to exercise this. To work against the socialization that says "you don't do that." It took a girl willing to just accept what he wanted to try without making him feel bad, without saying "no, you're wrong."

I dunno. Keep trying, keep playing and seeing what fufills you. Eventually you hit the right combination and there's no stopping.


_____________________________

How quick bright things come to confusion.

(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/8/2008 1:07:45 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Start small. Have her make you your morning coffee. Once she's done that several times, you will feel confident about setting a rule about bringing you your morning coffee. Practice makes perfect.

However you may well be dominant and she may be submissive, but that doesn't mean she responds to your dominance or you to her submissiveness. You may not be perfect for each other. I would ask her though what she sees as a dominant action. I'm betting she's thinking that saying "Honey, could you refill my cup?" isn't dominant whereas "Bitch get me more coffee now!" is. The truth is that either one is a dominant statement, but the first incorporates manners and the second doesn't.



_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/8/2008 2:06:56 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		I don't want to wade into the whole "born into it" or "trained into it" but all I know is that the woman who love me would have laughed at the man I was ten years ago, might have been friends with the man I was five years ago, and today, well that is a very very different story.

I have very much "learned" to be dominant, the only think I know I was born with was arrogance and the effortless ability to be an asshole.   And as for learning, I wouldn't be with a woman who didn't have things to teach me, who didn't bring things to the relationship I didn't have, who didn't inspire me.  I am a vastly better man for knowing BSB, who has inspired and yes, even pushed and demanded growth from me and frankly, I wouldn't have it any other way.  Clearly some people's milage varies.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/9/2008 9:08:31 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum


I ain't buying it.   You can "teach" ppl anything,  The persons ability to "learn" is quite another matter.  Lot's of ppl fail at things they have been taught.  ppl fail at their jobs, ppl fail in school, you get the concept.   Just like you can train someone to be a leader the miltary does it all the time.  However you cannot train someone to be a " good and effective leader" That's a horse of a different color.

BadOne


According to John Maxwell, 4 out of 5 leaders became "good and effective leaders" because of the mentoring and influence of another leader. Only 1 out of 5 stumbled through it on their own via natural gifting and talent.



I have no clue who mr Maxwell is, nor does it matter.  I agree that mentoring can speed up developement.  My point was lots of ppl can't grasp it.  For example the HS dropout rate in detroit is 50% No shit 50%  based on current enrollment that's 75,000 folks.  in other words lotso dummies...  I suspect the drop out rate is similar in major metro areas.

BTW the 80/20 rule that was posted they had it wrong.  Typically it applies to wealth 20% of the ppl have 80% of the wealth.  One could argue that wealth could be a measure of "smarts"

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/10/2008 5:27:08 AM   
ApathyRomance


Posts: 106
Joined: 4/2/2008
Status: offline 		Not sure how serious you are with everything, but as someone who is not super experienced, it helped me to meet subs who were okay with my lack of knowledge and were nurturing and patient . . . so look for someone like that to learn with?

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/11/2008 10:12:11 PM   
MasterLynxx


Posts: 17
Joined: 1/9/2008
Status: offline 		I wish to thank all of you who offered me help in this time of need. As a result of your aid I feel completely confident and have made a gigantic breakthrough tonight with my kitten. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. My kitten and I are very happy.

(in reply to ApathyRomance)
Profile   Post #: 40
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