RE: Need help with my confidence

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Need help with my confidence

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: Need help with my confidence

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/12/2008 12:06:29 AM

Durus

Posts: 184
Joined: 7/9/2007
Status: offline

I should read the entire thread first. Forget I was here.

< Message edited by Durus -- 10/12/2008 12:13:57 AM >

(in reply to MasterLynxx)

Profile

Post #: 41

RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/12/2008 5:49:31 AM

celticlord2112

Posts: 5732
Status: offline

If you know you're a Dom at heart, you already have all the confidence you need. Now you just need to understand that, Dom or no, you're going to fuck up a lot along the way. That doesn't make you less dominant, just more human.

_____________________________

(in reply to MasterLynxx)

Profile

Post #: 42

RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/12/2008 6:29:06 PM

MadAxeman

Posts: 4171
Joined: 8/28/2008
From: UK
Status: offline

There you go dude. I was thinking all along that what you might be describing was just stage fright. Who the hell was a completely confident dom, master of all the skills when they lost their cherry? Don't you recall discovering what you like and how to get it?
There is a difference between knowing what you want and putting it into practice. But knowing it is a big step on the road. Plenty of 'old hands' on here affect domliness as their natural state, which they were born to. Usually we learn how to move within different environs after identifying exact goals. There is no need for stats or egghead theories. One idea might be to show your sub this thread.

_____________________________

Hitman for the Subby Mafia

(in reply to MasterLynxx)

Profile

Post #: 43

RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/12/2008 9:36:52 PM

MasterLynxx

Posts: 17
Joined: 1/9/2008
Status: offline

I do, I have a different problem now, I'm scared to take chances at taking what I want from my kitten. I mean, the breakthrough was that we talked, and I was able to successfully set rules and guidelines, but tonight I attempted to play with her and I guess I choked, I don't know how to describe it. I couldn't get my mind straight and i just sat there, she got bored, I got bored, mood lost pretty quick... Any advice on that?

(in reply to MadAxeman)

Profile

Post #: 44

RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/13/2008 9:43:59 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterLynxx

I do, I have a different problem now, I'm scared to take chances at taking what I want from my kitten. I mean, the breakthrough was that we talked, and I was able to successfully set rules and guidelines, but tonight I attempted to play with her and I guess I choked, I don't know how to describe it. I couldn't get my mind straight and i just sat there, she got bored, I got bored, mood lost pretty quick... Any advice on that?

there was a guy that found a hundred ways not to make a light bulb... He saw those as successes not failures. In my mind... you had a success... you found a way not to make a light bulb. So.... get back on... learn what didn't work for this light bulb.... and try something else.

As a note.... fortunately in this lifestyle... there are many ways to make a light bulb.... so you not looking for the one way... you are looking for A way... and when you make it... then you need to look for more ways...

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to MasterLynxx)

Profile

Post #: 45

RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/13/2008 10:43:14 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Try doing a little less but doing it well. Big complicated things are harder to pull off. Find something she wants to do and you do well and make her beg for it. Then go from there...

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Profile

Post #: 46

RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/13/2008 11:09:37 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

Yeah, What KnightofMists and SimplyMichael said... both excellent pieces of advice.

A slightly different spin on what SimplyMichael suggested that worked pretty well for me. Pick something you know she wants to do then "make" her do it. Using a very very low key example, it's pretty much a given that at any moment, day or night, my wife likes to kiss me. So the command "kiss me mine" is about as safe as it can possibly get. But for all that, it is still a command and I still have the expectation of obedience. It is no less an authentic part of an authority dynamic than some over-the-top sexual command. For my wife and I, it was upon such small bricks that we have slowly built our foundation. After much careful work, that foundation now supports much much riskier sorts of commands.

I'm going to make a guess that you and your wife have a satisfactory sex life since most do. If that area of dominance is problematic (and I'd guess for most vanilla couples making this transition, it probably is) why not just let that perk along quietly for another little bit while you both build confidence in these new roles and learn to trust each other in ways you never have before? THEN you can return to improving the sex life.

Remember, stepping forth into the abyss and plummeting to your doom does not look domly or confident or assertive... it just looks stupid. There's no race here and baby steps are fine.

On a more casual note.... "Dude, breeeeeeeaaaaaatttthhhhh. For myself and my wife this has been one of the most rewarding experiences of our lives. It can be for you two also. You know, it's WAY possible for the two of you to collapse in giggles over the missteps and false starts... god knows my wife and I certainly do."

I hope that helped somewhat.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Profile

Post #: 47

RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/13/2008 12:26:01 PM

MasterLynxx

Posts: 17
Joined: 1/9/2008
Status: offline

*laughs* actually a few hours ago we managed to get another breakthrough in that, I followed all of the advice and boom. ;p I'm there. I thank you all again. ^^

(in reply to leadership527)

Profile

Post #: 48

RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/13/2008 12:41:14 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

Have fun Lynxx. Just so you know, my wife and I are closing in on the 1 year mark for our collaring and we are still seeing "breakthroughs" every 2-4 weeks... each one was somewhat nerve-wracking at the time but ended up with us in a new and even more wonderful spot. Just so you know what you have to look forward to, my most recent one was giving her commands that I know for a fact she won't like strictly because I like seeing her obey. I struggled with making my wife "jump through hoops" like a circus dog. I'm sure whatever I run into next will be even more horrifying *laughs*.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to MasterLynxx)

Profile

Post #: 49

RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/13/2008 2:27:53 PM

MadRabbit

Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterLynxx

I do, I have a different problem now, I'm scared to take chances at taking what I want from my kitten. I mean, the breakthrough was that we talked, and I was able to successfully set rules and guidelines, but tonight I attempted to play with her and I guess I choked, I don't know how to describe it. I couldn't get my mind straight and i just sat there, she got bored, I got bored, mood lost pretty quick... Any advice on that?

You choke like that because your afraid of failure and your afraid of looking like an idiot. You lose your ability to focus because your mind is overwhelmed with thoughts flowing from your own insecurities.

Just breathe and focus. Accept that making a mistake and doing it wrong is part of anything.

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to MasterLynxx)

Profile

Post #: 50

RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/13/2008 2:48:45 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

Excellent point Mad. My wife (who is absolutely, without a doubt, the WAY more kinky and twisted one of us two), likes to remind me that there is good sex, better sex, and great sex. But you really really have to work hard to get bad sex between two people who love each other. Real true failure would require some genuine effort. Now don't get me wrong, I can rise (or fall in this case) to any challenge... but still, it's a reassuring thought.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Profile

Post #: 51

RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/13/2008 3:32:21 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527
But you really really have to work hard to get bad sex between two people who love each other.

frankly.. the only bad sex... would be No Sex in my opinion... And if there is no Sex... then... I have to ask... where are putting your effort? because it surely is not the relationship.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to leadership527)

Profile

Post #: 52