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Casual play and possible issues. - 10/6/2008 10:16:04 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		 
Sir and i were discussing messages we receive on cm and ic today. Both of us have had a spate of messages requesting casual play with us. Not as a couple though, singularly. I have to admit i'm not entirely comfortable with the thought of Sir playing with someone else but sometimes needs must. Sir and i are both on heavy workschedules at the moment which means time together is very limited and i absolutely understand that he may feel the need to play, so therefore take a casual / one off play partner. At the moment he has no desires to do so and that's all good for me.
I however have played with someone else whilst Sir and i have been together. Sir is aware of this, has met the D concerned and is comfortable with me playing with them. I have absolutely no desires to play with anyone else and i'm sure Sir would not give me permission anyhow. I'm also pretty sure that the reason for this would be that Sir would not be comfy with me playing with someone he has not met. I on the other hand would choose not to meet someone Sir wanted to play with casually, wouldn't particularly want any interaction with them. It's how i would be most comfortable with the situation if it arose.
I'm guessing that Sir wants to know any of my prospective play partners mainly to ensure i am safe, i'm the one going to be taking the beating. Me i guess i assume that as the D he will be safe and i just don't need to know the partners he would choose, less hassle less chance of me getting jealous etc etc.
If you play casually outside your relationship (singularly) do you prefer to have interaction with your partners prospective play partner or not?
If so / not why?
If you play casually outside of your relationship (as a couple/in each others presence) how much interaction do you want to have with your partners prospective play partner?
If sex is included in the casual play does it make a difference about the level of interaction you want?


I personally wasn't looking consciously for a play partner really. I had discussed with Sir that sometimes i need / want a harsh beating and would he mind if in his absence i got one elsewhere. I spoke to a friend about the situation and well she basically suggested someone she was playing with might fulfill my wish. It was all as simple as that really. Sir met the D and approved big time and i played with the D shortly after.
Thinking about the whole casual play partner thing now though i have to wonder about if he had objected to the said D for some reason. If he had said he didn't approve because he didn't feel the D would be safe, sane etc etc, i wouldn't have played with her. However if he had said he just didn't like the D, i think i would have questioned that as a reason for me not to play with them singularly.
This led me to wonder if sometimes there are different motives behind a D / s dissaproving of a prospective play partner other than you feel your partner wouldn't be safe etc etc. For example as i already stated just not liking them or being jealous, feeling insecure about them for some reason etc etc.
Have you ever vetoed a prospective play partner for your partner for reasons such as jealousy dislike, insecurity?
If so why?
Do you think that it was a valid reason to vetoe them?


I really should have stopped thinking there but i didn't and i apologise but i have one more question.


My mind then wandered to how people would feel about their partner casually playing with an ex. For me i would not be bothered, they are an ex for a reason. I would probably feel more secure about my Sir playing with an ex than i would a new person.
How would you feel about your partner playing with an ex?
Would it make a difference if sex was to be involved?

Oops that was two...........bad girl
Somebody whip me

< Message edited by missturbation -- 10/6/2008 10:17:16 AM >

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RE: Casual play and possible issues. - 10/6/2008 10:44:23 AM   
softness


Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline 		I can arrange that for you hun ... *winks*

I would be totally fine with my partner having other, casual play partners (not fluid bonded, not emotionally intimate, above board, open, public, etc etc) - on two conditions - that the same freedom was extended to me, and that the stability of our relationship was always the first priority.

I enjoy procuring for friends and partners, as such I would probably enjoy a degree of involvememt with those casual partners .. equally just hearing about them would be fine. It depends on the person. If I really couldn't stand them, why would I want anything to do with them, If I really liked them .. why wouldn't I?

With regards playing with an ex ... it very much depends on the nature of the break-up and the relationship.

hope that answers some of your questions honey-bum
*kisses*

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(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Casual play and possible issues. - 10/6/2008 12:41:56 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Dang, that was a mouthful.  I almost want to ask how long it took you to write all that up.  I hope I can answer it all.  Here goes.

I'm part of a D/D couple.  In My view, that means we're automatically going to play outside the relationship.  I actually did that before My husband expressed interest in being a Dominant himself.  He put in some time as the vanilla partner there for a while.  He just happened to be married to a female Dominant who had subs.  That part is starting to sound really confusing, so maybe I'd better go back to the direct questions.

When I was first getting back into the lifestyle a few years ago, My husband and I did things a bit differently than we do today.  He went on all of the first meets.  He talked with all of the prospects with Me.  He'd accompany Me and watch all of My scenes.  He'd get to know everyone I played with.  We had an established set of rules for how things worked for when I played.  Yes, he did have veto power if there was someone that didn't mesh well for whatever reason. 

Once the time came that he wanted to start topping as well, we translated those rules to cover both of us.  Just like him, I have veto power, should I need to use it.  I met the people he played with.  That wasn't so much for My own satisfaction, but more because in My experience, a married male Dominant has a little more trouble finding play partners than a married female Dominant.  The bottoms he plays with usually want to meet Me and verify that the whole thing has My blessing.  Sometimes, I'd catch parts of the times he played.  Usually, I was too busy playing Myself.

During this time, I had submissives, rather than just bottoms. That's about the time clip came along.  He's been collared to Me for almost a year.  He knew coming in that I had other people that I played with.  As My submissive, no, he doesn't get any approval/disapproval option.  I allow him to offer an opinion, but I don't have to abide by it.  I will allow him to play with people I approve of, but not those I don't.  I'm kind of picky about who plays with My sub.  It has to be someone with some decent topping skills and I am absolutely involved in the negotiations.  I make it a point to be there if he should be playing with someone else.  We haven't yet run into the situation where he's played with someone else where I'm not involved. 

This was all well and good until My husband got orders to deploy to Korea.  We had to revamp all of the rules and the way we do things.  At first, he preferred that I only play with people he had already met, but we ran into situations where that just wasn't possible.  I do talk with him while he's half a world away and try to tell him in advance if there's someone I've met who I'm interested in playing with.  If it's someone who has a profile here, he checks them out. 

You asked specifically about sex, so I'm going to make a quick mention of that.  No, I don't have sex with casual play partners.  That's part of the original agreement between My husband and I that's still in tact. 

I'm sure this is a bit different because we are in different situations, OP, but I hope it answers some of the questions.



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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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(in reply to softness)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Casual play and possible issues. - 10/6/2008 3:26:28 PM   
tweedydaddy


Posts: 673
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		As a pair of Doms we have a simple rule, you take us both or not at all, we just don't play alone. We've stuck to that rule since 1984. It works. Big Boys and cuddly girls come and go, but we go on forever.

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Casual play and possible issues. - 10/6/2008 4:19:50 PM   
Daes


Posts: 246
Joined: 4/20/2007
From: Diamond Bar, SoCal
Status: offline 		Oh boy. I've had play partners I was Close to, but wasnt in a relationship with, they had their play partners, and I had mine.

It wouldnt have mattered if I was involved with them or not, in fact, this can apply to friends even. I don't enjoy meeting the girls they slept with and usually told them so upfront depending on the nature of my relationship with that person. Rarely do I have any interest in furthering my contact with them if I do happen to be introduced to them. I've even Wanted to be outright hostile in some situations. I dont Do it. I know its not right, and Im being selfish. I just keep the feeling in check and dont act on it. But My time with my partner, whoever it was, was My time dammit. I sometimes dont even have a problem with the girls directly, I just dont want to be around her at all.

I'm Even like this with friends, and it drives me crazy having to deal with these issues. I have my own Master, but I still get these feelings for my male friends. I tend to be possessive. The feeling is heightened even more so if I have a friend that is attracted to someone I dislike.

Don't get me wrong, I know the Feeling is irrational and selfish. I dont let it get in the way of my friendships - but it doesnt mean that it doesnt put me in a bad place, its just the way I feel.

That said, if Sir Really wanted another partner that he could sleep with (just for the sake of the OP). he would know it would be best to keep me away from her. If it was just Play, then he would know that I have absolutely no interest in engaging in any sort of conversation with her, and forcing me to do otherwise could create an uncomfortable situation, at best - the only exceptions being that she is Already a friend of mine or in the rare instances where I actually like her >.>;

Ya I know. I can be such a bitch.

Now, we havent gotten too far into who I am allowed to play with, as it currently stands, I cannot play with anyone unless I have permission. I used to play with my friend Mike when I needed a beating but dont anymore for a variety of reasons. I've asked about other people I could play with, whom he has denied. I trust and respect his decisions, and though sometimes I'll whine about them, I do accept them. He's given me no reason not to trust his judgment.


< Message edited by Daes -- 10/6/2008 4:24:09 PM >

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~*Estrellita*~
I want to be in surrender of His strength, of His power. Alone, I am nothing, but in His arms I am all things...

~His puppy~

(in reply to tweedydaddy)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Casual play and possible issues. - 10/6/2008 7:15:39 PM   
derfrewop


Posts: 74
Joined: 5/10/2007
From: Vancouver
Status: offline 		We have had similar issues with what I think might be the same core issue. Its the difference between a substitute and a replacement. Essentially, for anything we normally do with each other, that feeling of "OMG the interloper is better than me" can be diffused fairly quickly because they are just a substitute that is providing what we would provide for each other if we were there. If the interloper is actually better in any aspect, its not hard to simply incorporate it into things we already do. The old song "I can do anything better than you" pretty much sums up the attitude that keeps jealousy away.

The problem of jealousy gets ugly when the play involves areas that are hard limits of the partner who is not there. Because then the internal dialog goes more like "OMG the Interloper does all of these things that I can't compete with!" This is almost impossible to diffuse because it does has a basis in truth and they weren't there so imagination runs riot. The way we have been able to deal with it is that both of us be present for anything that can trigger this type of thinking. So we do play separately but only for things that we be both know we have better at home.

Our particular situation may not apply but I do believe that thinking about jealousy as having degrees and types makes it easier to figure out what is going to be no problem and what has to be avoided.

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RE: Casual play and possible issues. - 10/6/2008 7:24:23 PM   
califsue


Posts: 593
Joined: 2/2/2008
Status: offline 		Master says we only play as a couple. If he let me, I would probably play with others and have even told him he could play with another alone as I know he would love to play with her but she doesn't play with couples unless her Master is with her and at this time that is not feasible. I was told in a very clear stern manner that we only play as a COUPLE....
 
 

(in reply to derfrewop)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Casual play and possible issues. - 10/6/2008 7:26:45 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I think that jealousy, insecurity, just instinctive dislike are all valid reasons to veto. The primary relationship is more important than any casual partner hopefully, and therefore we should make all possible efforts to keep that strong which includes trusting our partner's instincts.

Now if he vetoed everybody for two years straight, that's something else. But just because you can't lay your finger on why you don't like someone doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid.

Because play for us is highly sexual, and we are monogamous, we do not play outside the relationship. When we were ldr we averaged one weekend every three weeks. But one winter it was three full months. I swear the weatherman had something against us, every time we had plans it snowed. I was antsy as hell as was he by the time that was over. But we dealt with it because we had no other choice.

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RE: Casual play and possible issues. - 10/7/2008 8:28:11 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		Thank you all for your replies.
 
Seem's like singularly playing with a casual partner might be an uncommon thing here

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Casual play and possible issues. - 10/7/2008 2:45:24 PM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		I have no problem with single play nor casual, though i think i would feel more comfy if it were just Sir rather than me doing it. I have already set out some parameters that i feel comfy with and yeah I would want the chance to meet them and openess about teir communication an sensitiviy to when they do it but other than that if it makes him happy I really dont care. We are both poly anyways so its something that we dont really feel right without.

Veto rights basically just saying you dont want it with that person for whatever reason is enough, its casual so it shouldnt really matter either way and i cant see it happening much.

Exs would be a bit of a problem for me, i know you are saying they are exs for a reason but due to the idea of it being casual I wouldnt really want much in the way of emotional involvement nor life involvement which would be far harder with an ex.

_____________________________

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There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 10
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