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RE: Submissives - 10/7/2008 3:14:04 PM

Rover

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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

You hear the term "Bedroom Submissive" all the time... for me this is just another term for Bottom.

You know, I had never really thought of it in quite that way. But I do believe I agree.

John

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RE: Submissives - 10/7/2008 3:16:31 PM

tweedydaddy

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I hate to say this, but this is all a game, it's not real life. People don't always do what you want them to do. Live with it.

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RE: Submissives - 10/7/2008 4:36:28 PM

CalifChick

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quote:

ORIGINAL: tweedydaddy
I hate to say this, but this is all a game, it's not real life. People don't always do what you want them to do. Live with it.

This may be just a game for you, but it certainly is not just a game for everyone... it IS real life.

Cali

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RE: Submissives - 10/7/2008 7:27:03 PM

dombound45

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Thank You for the insight. It did make me step back and think about what I am asking of her and what she is presently presenting to me. Also, I seem to be trying to rush her into being a fully submissive in the bedroom and she is not ready to be rushed.

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RE: Submissives - 10/7/2008 7:37:21 PM

MasterFireMaam

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ExKat

~Fast reply~
Submissives misbehave because they want to be punished.

Sweeping generalizations are rarely true. SOME submissives misbehave because they want to be punished. I can assure you that my girl doesn't misbehave because she wants punishment. she doesn't deliberately misbehave at all from what I have seen over the last several years.

However, it indeed might be true that this is what this woman is doing...but of course, we really don't know. We do the best given just a few sentences from him and no response from her, as things usually are here, right?

Master Fire

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RE: Submissives - 10/7/2008 7:47:19 PM

dombound45

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Yes, I am fine with it being in the bedroom. The problem is: We set some rules which ended up being rules outside of the bedroom. When I try to enforce those rules outside of the bedroom is where the problems occur.

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RE: Submissives - 10/7/2008 7:49:39 PM

dombound45

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Rover,

Thanks, they are some good suggestions...

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RE: Submissives - 10/7/2008 7:52:49 PM

dombound45

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You might be right. I was thinking that we might be on different levels in what we are looking for from each other.

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RE: Submissives - 10/8/2008 8:10:17 AM

SirDominic

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Okay, my comment you quoted said NOTHING about this dynamic being set in stone. I was defining how the situation is now. As it stands now, if she is submissive only when she wants to be, that is not being submissive. Can this dynamic change? I have no idea as I don't know the people involved.

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RE: Submissives - 10/8/2008 10:31:22 AM

MadRabbit

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Hmmm....my thoughts on this....

In my experiences with submissive women, there has to be a degree of chemistry present where the women is really into me and clearly wants to please me, listen to what I say, and follow my direction. If this chemistry isn't present, I am not even going to bother moving things from solely a normal relationship where I am actively setting rules, demanding things, and controlling her. It's just pointless, in my opinion, and will result in a lot of stomping of feet and "Why won't you do what I say?" type of whining and frustration.

This kind of "chemistry" doesn't have overnight. It's the result of respect, admiration, and trust that is grown over time via her getting to know your character, leadership skills, and decision making ability.

Now after you do everything Rover and leadership said and if you determine that you both want to try and develop the kind of relationship you want, a couple of things to keep in mind are....

Patience
When she doesn't do what you want or ignores what you want, you can't allow it to be taken as insult to your dominance. You can't become insecure. Don't make a big deal about it. Don't whine. Don't pout. Don't get frustrated. If she doesn't do the dishes, then tell her how unhappy you are with her and then do them yourself. Don't try and make her do them. Allow her own sense of guilt and her own desire to obey you compel her to do them. Make it clear that obeying you is her responsibility in the relationship and you are not going to jump through hoops to force her to carry her own weight. She is either part of the team and on board or she is not. If she's not, then you are going to get it done yourself without her.
Keep things on your terms. Don't be pressured into doing something for her when she is going to pick and choose when to obey you. You are going to handle things in the relationship when you think it's best and on your time.

Most importantly....don't push water up a hill. If she is not going to invest any effort or energy into this, then don't waste your time.

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RE: Submissives - 10/8/2008 10:42:59 AM

leadership527

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

When she doesn't do what you want or ignores what you want, you can't allow it to be taken as insult to your dominance. You can't become insecure. Don't make a big deal about it. Don't whine. Don't pout. Don't get frustrated. If she doesn't do the dishes, then tell her how unhappy you are with her and then do them yourself. Don't try and make her do them. Allow her own sense of guilt and her own desire to obey you compel her to do them. Make it clear that obeying you is her responsibility in the relationship and you are not going to jump through hoops to force her to carry her own weight. She is either part of the team and on board or she is not. If she's not, then you are going to get it done yourself without her.

Pure gold.

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RE: Submissives - 10/8/2008 12:57:55 PM

DesFIP

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If it's bedroom only submission then I'm assuming she wants to be physically aroused to engage. If she has the flu, expect her to be turned off and refuse to play. Beyond that, what shape is your relationship in? If you're suddenly telling her whether or not she can watch the late show, and your agreement was bedroom only, then you've broken the agreement.

But you need to get into her head and discover what she needs to be overjoyed to submit to you. If you're all about permission to orgasm and she's the kind that in such a case can't orgasm then expect this to fail.

Communication here is lacking badly. Me? I submit in response to his domination. If he isn't actively dominating then I don't feel submissive. I'll still get him some water or make lunch simply because I love him, but it comes from a very different headspace.

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RE: Submissives - 10/8/2008 7:31:40 PM

dombound45

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Thanks, very good thoughts to consider.

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RE: Submissives - 10/8/2008 8:08:34 PM

DesFIP

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Wait a sec, misses a later post.
You agreed to bedroom d/s only, and then you set rules for outside the bedroom. Since these rules are for outside the bedroom, she isn't doing them because it isn't something she agreed to.

Go rewrite rules that are for the bedroom only since she isn't agreeing to let you control her outside. Her limits were bedroom only, you broke the limits by trying to control her outside. If you need a wider control, find someone else. Otherwise keep your word. And it wouldn't hurt to apologize for accidently screwing up without realizing it assuming this was an accident.

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RE: Submissives - 10/8/2008 8:53:08 PM

VivaciousSub

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quote:

Submissives misbehave because they want to be punished.

I completely disagree. I don't know any submissives that want to be punished. It's not inconceivable that they're out there, but I personally have never encountered one. There's no way I would disobey Sir purposely, and if I did make a mistake, He'd talk to me about what happened. He knows I am very obedient and it'd be very out of character for me to slip. If He determines that my mistake warrants punishment along with the discussion, then so be it.

OP - you pulled a bait-and-switch on her when you agreed to bedroom submission only then tried to take it outside of the bounds of the agreement. It's no wonder she's balking, that's not what she signed up for! You owe her an apology for going back on your word.

< Message edited by VivaciousSub -- 10/8/2008 8:54:51 PM >

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RE: Submissives - 10/8/2008 10:53:37 PM

exile509

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perhaps you need to start setting up "collar time."

here's what you do:
1. lay it out to her that when the collar is on she is to follow every command and order, and be sure to put her in her place when she doesn't.
2. let her know that when the collar is off you are not "domming her".
3. reward her for following direction, and follow through on your punishments.

this will train her to have a bit of an "on/off" switch and she will feel more like she's being dommed when you're giving her orders, and less like she's being bossed around.

don't forget, you're learning how to be a dom, and she's learning how to be a sub. you both have to work at it to make it work.

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RE: Submissives - 10/8/2008 11:58:48 PM

SailingBum

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quote:

ORIGINAL: dombound45

I am new to being a dom and my contract with my submissive is setup for our bedroom only. She claims to be a submissive but only does it when she feels like it. She states that she will follow the rules that we setup but she only does it when she wants to. Does anyone have any suggestions in getting her either to commit to being a submissive or not. I have asked her outright and she states that she wants to be a submissive. I feel like I am just wasting my time.

Bingo

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RE: Submissives - 10/9/2008 6:57:25 PM

dombound45

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You are correct, I did do a bait and switch on her looking back at it. Going forward, I will keep it in the bedroom.

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RE: Submissives - 10/9/2008 7:01:38 PM

dombound45

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I think this is a great idea using the collar as a switch to start the scene and when it comes off the scene is over for both of us. I just need to clarify what she is really looking for. It seems that she presently is just looking to be a bottom and she is not ready to go the next level. Thanks...

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