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Need some advise - 12/6/2005 3:53:07 AM

thndershadow

Posts: 18
Joined: 12/6/2005
From: Washington State
Status: offline

My Dom didn't exactly tell the truth when we were courting online and on the phone. He lived in CA and I lived in WA state. When we met RT the following winter, he had lied to me about having E.D. (erectile dysfunction). He is diabetic and has some neuropathy which he says causes his E.D.
I thought I would be fine with it since he had NO problem getting it up when I give him head. It has been 2 yrs now that we have been together. I am tired of doing nothing but giving him head. I have told him several times, since the day he moved here about my desire to have him in me, hard. He has been telling me for two yrs that he will try one of the E.D. drugs. And he hasn't. He can be hard as a rock, but the moment that I try to get him to enter me, he goes very soft. I don't know what to do anymore except find someone with a hardon! I feel cheated, rejected and like there is something wrong with me. Help anyone?

Post #: 1

RE: Need some advise - 12/6/2005 4:31:32 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

I think you need to draw a line in the sand, give him a firm timeline for visiting the doc and getting info about the ed meds (not everyone can take them, depending on their health).

Will he use other "tools" (toys!) for penetration on you?

Good luck.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to thndershadow)

Post #: 2

RE: Need some advise - 12/6/2005 5:23:04 AM

fyreredsub

Posts: 3403
Joined: 10/7/2005
Status: offline

unfortunately, alot of men lie over the net and then in person...many of us can wear the 'been there done that t-shirt',lol.....perhaps ya'll could discuss other ways to incorporate some pleasure into your relationship.............

_____________________________

"Accordingly, men must then either fulfill their nature, or deny it, and in denying their nature, deny us ours, for ours is the complement to theirs. " Renegades

(in reply to thndershadow)

Post #: 3

RE: Need some advise - 12/6/2005 5:25:14 AM

Quivver

Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

That Sucks (no pun intended) .... coming from one who loves BlowJobs (giving them) it doesnt mean that ache to be filled doesnt come with damn near every blowjob that's given. I dont know what part of fufilling a sub's needs to isnt important. All that bull shit about your needs dont matter only end up making you like you are right now, frustrated and thinking of looking elsewhere. Hell yes, tell him... make an appointment for him yourself if you've got to. that is much better then going over the fence for something firm. If he wont go, or makes excuses he's just being selfish and you might as well go do what you want.

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to thndershadow)

Post #: 4

RE: Need some advise - 12/6/2005 5:29:31 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

All that bull shit about your needs dont matter only end up making you like you are right now, frustrated and thinking of looking elsewhere.

Argh. When will Doms get it? Yes, it's all about you....but not quite.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Quivver)

Post #: 5

RE: Need some advise - 12/6/2005 5:37:43 AM

Webmaster60

Posts: 396
Joined: 9/10/2005
Status: offline

quote:

He has been telling me for two yrs that he will try one of the E.D. drugs. And he hasn't. He can be hard as a rock, but the moment that I try to get him to enter me, he goes very soft.

Simple actually.. STOP GIVING HIM HEAD. When he's tired of not getting any, he'll do something about it.

quote:

I don't know what to do anymore except find someone with a hardon! I feel cheated, rejected and like there is something wrong with me. Help anyone?

Thats a different story. Either remain IN your collar, or take it off. All the "between" stuff is garbage. NOTHING is wrong with you, but hey.. if I could sit back and get head for 2 years and enjoy it? why wouldn't I?

_____________________________

Master Michael
~~~~~~~~~~
"To sin in silence when he should
speak makes cowards of men"

(in reply to thndershadow)

Post #: 6

RE: Need some advise - 12/6/2005 5:42:23 AM

FTopinMichigan

Posts: 571
Joined: 7/5/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: thndershadow
My Dom didn't exactly tell the truth when we were courting online and on the phone. He lived in CA and I lived in WA state. When we met RT the following winter, he had lied to me about having E.D. (erectile dysfunction). He is diabetic and has some neuropathy which he says causes his E.D.
<snip>
I feel cheated, rejected and like there is something wrong with me. Help anyone?

Is the issue more about his lying or the ED?

If it's the ED, then he can seek medical attention and a possible remedy. If it's about his "lying"....it doesn't appear that's going to change, based on the situations you told us.

My ex-bf also had some problems, but he was upfront with me, when our relationship progressed from a dear friendship to lovers. He was more than willing to figure ways to satisfy my needs, as he wasn't selfish.

I'm curious why you waited two years though? It's sounds like an important aspect to your life and happiness. I wish you well in finding the solution that is best for you.

K

(in reply to thndershadow)

Post #: 7

RE: Need some advise - 12/6/2005 7:08:51 AM

OscarHargraves

Posts: 693
Joined: 8/9/2005
Status: offline

I'm sorry but to me the rea; issue here is his lying. I think the ED is secondary to the lies. Yes we all have told 'little white lies' when we were courting but when you move in it's time for total truth. This guy may have a legitimate medical problem but it sounds like he doesn't want to do anything about it. Two months is procrastination; two YEARS is something else entirely! I would suggest that you meet him at the door one night with his suitcases packed and hand him your collar. Have the locks changed before he gets there and tell the liar to take a hike. When he's gone you can sit down and have a good cry. Then get up, clean up and move on with your life. Find a real man who's worthy of you and doesn't have to lie to you to get what he wants. If this guy does have a real medical problem then maybe he'll seek professional medical help before he gets involved with someone else, but that should not be your problem; it's his.

_____________________________

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly ! !

(in reply to thndershadow)

Post #: 8

RE: Need some advise - 12/6/2005 11:39:06 AM

Kinkypupper

Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline

A few options..
1. Ask for a release from him due to his being less then honest with you, In my way of thinking THAT (honesty) is more important then a ED issue. It creates a seed of doubt in that what else is he lieing about. In a bdsm relationship there has to be total honesty and trust.

2. Suggest to him if he does not go in for "counceling" on this matter. That you will leave due to his inability to be honest with you. Just picking up a drug does not always make the best option here and it "sounds" like he can get hard but there is a possable emotional block. I do know that those with Diabeties do have issues like this and some things cannot be just "fixed".

3. Depending on the trust and security level get into swinging, With him present and assisting a person who does have a hard one that is available. Be sure however that your bond with your partner will withstand a possable emotional attachment if you just fuck one specific person and not a group of people.

4. Strapons ok their cold and impersonal but they work.. so do toys like Sybians :-)
There are also various fucking machines available.

_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to thndershadow)

Post #: 9

RE: Need some advise - 12/6/2005 12:11:03 PM

DQuixote

Posts: 4
Joined: 3/8/2005
Status: offline

Hi thndershadow

The first thing to understand is that ED is usually a physical problem (ie a fault in the plumbing) – which clearly isn’t the case with your Master. There are however several psychological and emotional issues that could manifest as ED, although a much more appropriate term would be Emotional Block.

The simple fact is that a good couple of men do not like vaginal intercourse for emotional and psychological reasons. He (your Master) may even have some very deep-seated gender-confusion issues. Another possible cause may be a repressed incident of vaginal rape when he was young.

In the end, none of these issues have anything to do with you, your body type, appearance etc. To coin a phrase – it’s all in his head. He may very well have convinced himself that he has ED, based on the physical evidence, but that conviction is preventing him from seeking help.

I would suggest gently, discreetly and very carefully planting the seed that he may have to seek counselling.

Regards and Good Luck
DQ

(in reply to thndershadow)

Post #: 10

RE: Need some advise - 12/6/2005 12:38:39 PM

Wolf1020

Posts: 447
Joined: 11/7/2005
From: Anderson, SC
Status: offline

Draw the line in the sand, he needs to do something about it. Sure you are a sub but you still have needs and if one of them is being pounded then hey thats what you need lol.

Though something sounds fishy to me about it being truly E.D. If thats what it truly was he shouldn't be getting it up period reguardless of what you do to it. I'd be checking more into a lack of desire to be inside you or some mental thing aout entering a woman if as you say it goes soft on that but for other things it works just fine.

_____________________________

"The less people know about how sausages and laws are made, the better they'll sleep at night."~ Otto von Bismarck

"Fish and visitors smell in three days"~Benjamin Franklin

(in reply to DQuixote)

Post #: 11

RE: Need some advise - 12/6/2005 2:56:00 PM

Marquisd

Posts: 61
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

hmmmm...............this does raise a few issues indeed.....

I am diabetic as well............for the last 18 years.........however I take very good care of m body and have not had any issues with ED........I hope your Dom is managing his diabetes well and monitors his blood sugar levels, sees a diatitian, endriconologist and a pediatrist as well as and ondriconologist..Diabetes is a constant management of ones own body. The question is - that if I can not manage my own body - how do I expect to manage someone elses.

As for the sex and penetration part.....if you are willing to try foot massages on his cock.....and visa versa on your clit and vagina.........works if you are into it. You could also try tantric exercises to help him concentrate on his errection and maintaining it might be helped with some exercises for the lower abdominal muscles.

Of course if his diabetes is not managed......nothing will do any good cuz his whole system will fail sooner or later.

There are some diabetic tops here in BC and the most important part is to be aware of it.

I played at a party on Saturday for 4 hours straigth - taking breaks for food and planning ahead with my carbohydrate intake. that allowed me to be in control of the scene and not have my body take over from me.

perhaps visiting the ADA (american diabetes association website may help)

as for the lying....well that is a character flaw......the recent studies on vaccines and medications for that are so far all unsuccessfull..............science or parenting licenses are our only hope for that one.

hope this helps you a little

cheers

Marquisd

_____________________________

Relationships develop at the speed of trust

"Official Sadist and Dom of the 2010 Winter Games"

(in reply to thndershadow)

Post #: 12

RE: Need some advise - 12/6/2005 3:10:30 PM

Rayne58

Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline

My Master also has diabetes and since we've been together (nearly 2 years) He has had problems with ED. He can get hard, but staying hard is the problem. He gets hard enough to enter me but very soon after it goes soft again. He can come from blowjobs, I think it is the extra stimulation of lips and tongue which enables this, though I sometimes have to use my hand as well.

I am perfectly satisfied with the way things are - He gets me off through gspot play and we have plenty of toys. He is the one feeling like He is short changing me, but I love Him no matter what

Thundershadow, how old is your Dom? Has he had his heart checked lately? Master has coronary artery disease which is common in older diabetics. This can also cause ED, as well as the neuropathy. Master is going into hospital next Monday to have an angioplasty, to unblock His arteries. Maybe things will improve after this, but if not He is going to ask His doctor about taking viagra.

In our case this started after we began living together. If your Dom knew about the ED before you two got together, then I would have a problem with that. Master told me all about His health problems before we even met (He also has renal failure, again caused by diabetes). I stayed with Him for 3 weeks when we first met, and saw how He lives every day, warts and all. I could have decided at any time to call it off, and He would not have blamed me one bit. However it's 2 years later, and we are very happy together.

(in reply to Wolf1020)

Post #: 13

RE: Need some advise - 12/7/2005 2:17:50 AM

thndershadow

Posts: 18
Joined: 12/6/2005
From: Washington State
Status: offline

Wow so much info to take into consideration. Thank you all for the comments.

To answer a few questions. No he doesn't take care of his diabetes. I am constantly reminding him to check his glucose levels. He has had renal failure, a stroke, a heart attack, one leg amputation (necrotizing fascitis sp?)and one foot amputation. I wasn't around for the flesh eating bacteria when he lost his leg. But I was there for the rest. He has been infection free for over a yr now.

I have suggested many many ways he can please me without actually being hard. I found a very good strapon in a magazine I have. It vibrates at the tip to maximize his stimulation while fitting over his penis to give me a hard penis sensation. All he would have to do is strap the sucker on and go to town!

But he absolutely refused and then said he would think about it when I brought it up several more times. He is still thinking about it, that was four months ago!
I have suggested as someone else posted, a male with a hardon. Sounded good to me. I asked him if I could have a male sub to fulfill my needs, not a Dom that he would feel threatened by, a male sub. NO WAY in purgatory!

We do have toys. However, he says he wants to learn to please me right, but when I say, slow down, not there, over here, show him, ect, he just goes back to being very hard and aggresive. Now this isn't a bad thing being bdsm, however, my pussy needs stimulated nicely before going on. He just grabs and goes. This creates a problem also. And I have mentioned it before several times. The last time, which was a week ago, we played with toys, he used the millenium lube bottle...( a little embarressed

) the rim on the bottle cut my vagina up pretty bad. When I told him I was bleeding rather profusely, he just said OH and rolled over and went to sleep. And he can't understand why I don't want to give him head or have sex with him being as rough as he is. He doesn't trim his nails and almost always cuts me with one and when I spend more time saying 'ouch' in a non good way than saying 'oh yes ouch" something has to change. And yes, I have told him all of this. Right now he is sleeping and very angry with me because I have not given him head in almost a week now. He is actually being very mean about it.

As for my collar. I stayed with him for two yrs, hoping it would improve. I am one of those that needs the whole mountain to fall on her head instead of just a rock pinging off the forehead before I will give up!
He proposed marriage last spring. Things were not this bad then. I no longer wear my engagement ring, he no longer wears his Dom ring that I gave him in our collaring ceremony. He hasn't even asked me what I did with it. So in essence, my collar is off. It has been for some time now. I can't remember the last time we actually did anything bdsm or D/s wise, except for his nastyness because he isn't getting head!

Oh and for those that asked. He DOES have a prescription for Cialis and Viagra, he refuses to pick up the meds. I did drag him to the Dr. I explained my issues with his "E D" and the Dr prescribed the meds above and did not see any reason why they would not work!

I think the one that posted a fear or dislike of vaginas hit it on the head. no pun intended lol because he doesn't even have an interest in my vagina when it comes to intercourse. He does not bring it up, offer it, talk about it. I do all the talking when it comes to intercourse. He acts as if intercourse does not exist. And we have discussed counseling. He won't go. So, this is where the story stands.

I want to thank you all for you comments. I really appreciate having someone to talk to about it!

(in reply to Rayne58)

Post #: 14

RE: Need some advise - 12/7/2005 6:21:07 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

It sounds like he has a hard time accepting and instead just avoids the issue.

I'd recommend some therapy and a few sessions with his doctor but my guess is he's just a stubborn old man who can't face the hard bits of emotion.

Otherwise, as patient as you've been, you need to sit down and talk about how he NEEDS to start making changes and stop just TALKING about them or he's going to be giving up and losing a lot of pleasure that you both could enjoy together.

(in reply to thndershadow)

Post #: 15

RE: Need some advise - 12/7/2005 6:51:12 AM

fastlane

Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline

You need to really have a serious heart to heart with him. Either he gets the meds he needs to keep it up....or you bring in another person for a threesome. He's getting a blow job, while you are getting what you need too, at the same time!

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 16

RE: Need some advise - 12/7/2005 8:26:27 AM

liltwisted1

Posts: 7
Joined: 6/8/2005
Status: offline

Hi thundershadow… just a word of advice from a slave who’s been there and sort-of has done that… i am a slave who still feels she berated her Master into using a specific toy for her pleasure. Once i got what i wanted, it became apparent as how wrong my way of obtaining it was. Yes, it was good when it happened though the psychological aspect of Him just doing this because i demanded it, not because He wanted, lingers. i fear the future of my relationship, as something given freely and/or because that individual JUST WANTED TO, is usually given from the heart, where as giving something to appease another well, it’s just to get them off your back. Add that to this ‘lifestyle’ and whew! What a mess! Look, to err is human (a condition we all suffer from) and yes, as humans we all have needs and desires, Masters and sub/slaves. To serve Him is one need but, not the only one. Please, any Masters reading this, try to remember that we also have other needs. Yes thundershadow, you and i, along with countless others, face some pretty tough decisions…

twisted

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 17

RE: Need some advise - 12/7/2005 2:28:52 PM

crystalamber

Posts: 20
Joined: 6/26/2005
From: Nebraska
Status: offline

hi thndershadow,

quote: "I am one of those that needs the whole mountain to fall on her head instead of just a rock pinging off the forehead before I will give up!"

I totally relate to that!!!

It sounds like he's not considering or is considerate about your needs and feelings.

I know how hard it is to give up on a relationship. But, I would cut my losses and move on....to Someone who will take your feelings into consideration.

And, once the mountain does fall on you, it gets easier to see the rocks pinging off your forehead.

take care,
crystal amber

(in reply to thndershadow)

Post #: 18

RE: Need some advise - 12/7/2005 2:45:43 PM

sunshine333

Posts: 203
Joined: 8/16/2005
Status: offline

now wait a second ...

am i the only one who read this girl's profile .. where she states that she is looking for someone to play with "discreetly?"

sounds like dishonesty is commonplace in their relationship.

humbly,
sunshine

(in reply to thndershadow)

Post #: 19

RE: Need some advise - 12/7/2005 2:49:36 PM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

from what I know about ED--it does not only exhibit itself during one type of sexual activity---Im thinking unless he's blown---he shuts down- because penetration doesn't float his boat---its not all about Him, a good Dom takes care of his sub and his health---

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to thndershadow)

Post #: 20

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