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RE: Jelous Dommes - 10/10/2008 12:55:36 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

I see no problem with a submissive of mine talking to anyone. If they were not adult, I wouldn't be with them and an adult should be able to conduct themselves as an adult and have all rights of an adult.

On the other hand... if the submissive were to discuss things with another that he should first be discussing with me or sharing my private information or had wrong motives... I would not be pleased. In fact, it might end things right there, showing me some things I would not tolerate. I trust people until they give me reason not to and if I found out my submissive was not addressing any issue we might have or providing information about myself or others like a gossip or was playing the field... that pretty much would show me he was not to be trusted.

Would I expect to monitor him... oh hell no! Would I require passwords and the like... not in this lifetime!

I have known many who were of a friendship nature and they stopped talking to me because they found someone who did monitor them and mostly they were online relationships that could go to real life... within two months and that is a large time frame I am giving for fairness... they were no longer an item.

(in reply to darchChylde)

Post #: 21

RE: Jelous Dommes - 10/10/2008 1:23:50 PM

Twicehappy2x

Posts: 1096
Joined: 3/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel

quote:

ORIGINAL: Usako

I always see it as a sign of insecurity really. If a relationship is solid then it should be able to handle either partner having friends. Vanilla, submissive, dominant, whatever; it all boils down to if you trust the person or not.

See, that's always been my way of thinking about... and honestly, if a person wants to call themselves your friend they should be supportive of your desire to build that new relationship. I'm not the jealous type, I do honestly believe that what's meant to be will be, but damnit all... let's give each other a fighting chance huh?

quote:

ORIGINAL Coupleofwhats
Unless someone's cloned me without my knowledge, there isn't another domme out there who can do what I do. He can talk to them all at once if he likes!

Ah, the confidence of the young....hon, i guarantee that there is at least one though to be honest i am guessing hundreds if not thousands of Doms who can do what you do.

And honestly, that was never the issue we had here, OK, well except for in the case of the transvestite Dom.

It was more as CallaFirestorm said below;

quote:

if the d-type on the other end of the keyboard started second-guessing our methods and rules,

Which everybody can now jump in and lay blame for listening to on said submissives but that would take us back to Calla's thread about those very weak willed submissives, lol.

I talk to everybody, online, in person, on the phone, old friends, new friends, Dom sub, switch, whatever. I am planning a trip overseas to visit with a Dom/Domme couple that i've made friends with, just as a friend. And Scooter and Jewel are fine with that.

But then again, nobody can really influence how i think.

And Scooter and Jewel have kept this policy with every subbie that has come here. Unfortunately i have come to see that with some subbies that is just not a good idea. At least not until they've settled down and worked out all the little"kinks" that come with a new relationship that is.

_____________________________

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)

Post #: 22

RE: Jelous Dommes - 10/10/2008 2:12:50 PM

MsAuthoritarian

Posts: 51
Joined: 9/14/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

Hell, no, in fact I've always encouraged my slaves and subs and trainees to get into the community more and talk to more people, even play with more people.

If I'm a great match for them, none of that will threaten what we have.

If I'm a not a great match for them, I care enough about everyone I've trained or owned to want what is best for them and I empower them to discover that.

I second her thoughts.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 23

RE: Jelous Dommes - 10/10/2008 3:06:17 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

I encourage my slave to talk with other people of all sexual orientations, Dommes enthusiastically included. I am encouraging an exchange of ideas.

A little bit, a healthy amount of jealousy, is flattering and protective. Too much jealousy is insecurity, and can be very harmful. Too much jealousy can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. It can kill off love, and cause the very thing it seeks to prevent. The person on the recieving end can be driven away, emotionally and physically, to seek solace with another. Or they might just go off and be alone to get away from it, as way of self-preservation.

I am a little bit jealous, not insecure. I am the kind of jealous that is protective. I protect my slave from emotional and physical harm. I love him.

I own my slave, and I trust him implicitly. I do reserve the right to monitor or limit his communications with others in any way I see fit. But so far I haven't. Who has the time? He's a big boy. He knows to bring anything of interest to my attention.

Without trust, we have nothing. Love cannot flourish without trust. It will wane, and die, in an environment of distrust. Those who have trust issues are impeding themselves from the opportunity to truly love their partners.

_____________________________

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(in reply to MsStarlett)

Post #: 24

RE: Jelous Dommes - 10/10/2008 3:12:40 PM

MmeGigs

Posts: 706
Joined: 1/26/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsStarlett
The next thing I know, I get those curt little "I found a Domme! I'm so happy to be collared! But she says I can't talk to you anymore." WTF? I've gotten the "Goodbye and thanks for all the fish" more than once. Several have actually deleted their accounts... then sent me email telling me that the new Domme demanded their password and was checking to see if they were still talking to other women. I normally tell them if they aren't supposed to be talking to me anymore, then they are not allowed to Email me either. The last thing I want to do is step on another Domme's toes.

Are these super Jealous Dommes for real? Do you Ladies - the ones of you who post here frequently are the ones I trust more than most others - require your boys to cut ALL communications with other women? Even if those ladies are just friends?

Big Red Flag, and I'm not one who usually sees big red flags. This kind of thing smacks of insecurity and/or instability on the part of the dom. The only situation that I can think of where this would be acceptable is where the new relationship is real-life and potentially serious and the sub is spending a detrimental amount of time in online chit-chat.

(in reply to MsStarlett)

Post #: 25

RE: Jelous Dommes - 10/10/2008 5:38:07 PM

ShaktiSama

Posts: 1674
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline

I'm very definitely a jealous domme. And I make no bones or apologies about it. If a man doesn't want to be possessed, we are not a good match.

On the other hand, making people delete their profiles and telling them who they can and can't talk to is nonsense. Yes, I suppose it might actually be much kinder if I forbade my submissive to talk to other women or other dommes; that would give him an order that was easy to follow and simplify the dynamic considerably. "Don't talk to any other woman, ever" is much easier to say than "Talk to anyone you like, navigate the dangerous shoals of a world full of attractive women who want you and are at least roughly sexually compatible with you, but never fall in love or be seriously attracted to anyone but me". 'Cause...that second bit just doesn't roll off the tongue quite so well.

Jealous or not, ordering a submissive not to talk to other dominants is foolish. You're effectively ordering him not to develop other human ties with dominant women to try and limit his choices, or his sense of perspective. But after meeting someone on a site like Collarme, it is ridiculous to try to artificially create a world with only one domme in it!

My boykin has been socially active in a number of ways since he was quite young. Ordering him to delete his profile or "not talk to dommes" would be the ultimate shutting-of-the-barn-door after an entire herd of mustangs had run through it. Aidan is well aware that the world is full of dominant women who are dying to shuck him out of his sexy little leather shorts. He's been playing since he was old enough to play, and socializing for longer than that. Kinda late to sell him on the idea that I'm the only domme on planet earth.

On the other hand, if another domme does not respect his boundaries and mine, I honestly don't NEED to tell him to stop talking to her. He'll make that call his own self, and has done it. Even being excessively mashed on in chatrooms makes him uncomfortable nowadays in ways that it didn't when he was single; he knows that he is owned, he likes it that way, and he protects his body and his submission the way he would defend anything else that was mine.

He also does not conceal the fact that I exist on his profile or in his daily dealings with other people, male or female, domme/sub/switch or vanilla. He doesn't enourage people to think he is available when he isn't, or to view him as a target. He is taken and he wants to remain taken; he's not submitting to me while shopping for someone else.

*shrug* The only thing to do as a "jealous domme" who doesn't want to be a "crazy domme" is to remember that you cannot command love and loyalty, especially of the sexual kind. You either inspire that kind of love or you don't. If the inspiration is lacking, the relationship is over regardless of what orders you try to give. You're much better off trying to be happy and make your partner happy for as long as possible, and letting the future unfold as it will.

_____________________________

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

(in reply to darchChylde)

Post #: 26

RE: Jelous Dommes - 10/10/2008 6:01:11 PM

ChainGoddess

Posts: 731
Joined: 9/27/2008
From: Ireland
Status: offline

My pet is allowed at least two hours each evening to chat online to his friends. Just knowing I can read over his shoulder and find out what he says is enough of a power surge for me. I have never done that, nor do I intend to. I believe having some free time allows him to focus more on me.

_____________________________

"Chain of command: I say it. You do it! End of chain."

Anne Rice- When you think night and day and every moment only of pleasing me, things will be very easy for you.

I could give up chocolate but I'm not a quitter.

(in reply to MsStarlett)

Post #: 27

RE: Jelous Dommes - 10/10/2008 10:41:34 PM

mztresn0w

Posts: 174
Joined: 1/12/2008
Status: offline

LOL, My lil one has a section in her cell phone that has only Domme's phone numbers. She talks to whom she wants on line.{her buddy list is 3 pages long} I trust her because she has never given me a reason not to trust her. If you can't trust yourself then how can you trust someone else. Sounds like some people don't trust themselves so they have to try to control everything in someone elses life. That is just seems odd to me.

_____________________________

Becareful what you ask for you may get it and then realize it wasn't what you wanted.
Wicked Evil Grin

(in reply to ChainGoddess)

Post #: 28

RE: Jelous Dommes - 10/10/2008 11:17:57 PM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

Well it would be the same here, keep your friends but make sure that's ALL they are if you are Mine or seriously considering becoming Mine. In the same way, I respectfully approach the Domme if one of My male friends-only subs moves into a different level of commitment with someOne and just check that they don't mind. Most don't!

About the only time I'd consider limiting someone's association would be if I was convinced that this person was exerting negative influence on the sub. Even then, only in the short term until the sub had time to process things for themself and get to a point where they could handle the situation. The only time I had to do that, it was an ex-Domme of the sub who couldn't handle the fact that the relationship had ended (and for good reasons).

I do understand Jewel's frustrations though, it can be hard to NOT be insecure and jealous and then have it backfire. Hang in there, surely there must be someone trustworthy out there for You! I know twice is a treasure but as she is mostly Scooter's, I also understand You wanting a little treasure of Your own!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to mztresn0w)

Post #: 29

RE: Jelous Dommes - 10/10/2008 11:36:49 PM

Wickad

Posts: 428
Joined: 3/12/2005
Status: offline

(fast reply)

I am also of two minds about this topic.

On the one hand, I believe that cutting people off from their friends, social circle, and family is a sure sign of abuse. I also believe that talking with other folks (Dominant or submissive) is a wonderful way to learn and grow as a person.

Oh the other hand, ... I have also had my problems with 'friends'. My last girl was allowed to chat with whoever she wanted to because I trusted her and saw nothing wrong with chatting with friends. She was very new so we gave her a lot of leeway to explore and question. It seems that many of her 'friends' gave her some really bad advice. Some of this advice I believe was probably in response to her complaining about how hard we were on her and how we expected her to obey and submit (strange things to expect in a submissive, I know - lol). If all you here from your 'friend' is all the bad things going on with them, then of course you are likely to give advice based on a one sided account. I also believe that many of the people she talked to had interests in her of their own and thus were much happier to undermine our relationship in hopes that they might develop one with her.

I am not suggesting that our relationship ended only because of poor advice from 'friends' but it most certainly did not help. The fact that she lied, had extensive, undisclosed, personal issues, and was seeking something that we could not give, I'm sure also played into it.

I do not regret the end of that relationship for it seems she has moved on to someone more suited to her and, frankly, she was really not what I was looking for in the long run anyway. Sometimes it's hard to walk that line between trust and protectiveness. Many 'friends' are not really friends and are not interested in helping someone they care about find a fulfilling relationship, but rather in stroking their own ego's at the expense of their 'friends'.

I'm still on the fence about this one.

Wickad

(in reply to MaamJay)

Post #: 30

RE: Jelous Dommes - 10/11/2008 2:09:55 AM

ApathyRomance

Posts: 106
Joined: 4/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

Jealously strikes me as a pretty odd attitude to have in a relationship. As jealously is an absence of trust.

Eek. I guess my jealousy is different.

(in reply to rookey)

Post #: 31

RE: Jelous Dommes - 10/11/2008 4:29:58 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I honestly think this is a practice that is used more by male, rather than female dominants. When used by either, I tend to find it rather limiting. I'm just not the type to think that I know so much about absolutely everything that a sub couldn't gain something valuable by talking with others. I think it would be rather silly to command anyone not to talk to anyone of the opposite gender. It would essentially cut them off from the resources of half the folks in the lifestyle.

Here's what I have done, however. After attempting to allow a sub to remain on friendly terms with someone he had been talking with for a while, I did have to say that it was something that had to stop. It had nothing to do with jealousy. It had everything to do with the fact that it always spurned drama and bs. I'm not even blaming that entirely on the Domme, because the sub was just as bad. Frankly, I got sick of hearing about it because it was nothing but draining and made Me think very little of either of them when it came to the subject of each other.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to ApathyRomance)

Post #: 32

RE: Jelous Dommes - 10/11/2008 4:58:06 AM

rubberpet

Posts: 1743
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: The Land of Voodoo
Status: offline

In the beginning, Mistress was very jealous and possessive, but she didn't forbid me from talking to other females. She was hurt very bad in the past, so I tried my best to be patient with her when the jealousy would come out. Most of my friends are female...most are dommes, no less. So naturally, there was always tension in that aspect. It took a lot of work and effort, but I've proven to her that I'm not looking for anyone else and that she's the only one I want to be with.

After spending time with me in March and six weeks from July to August, she saw it in my eyes that she is my one and only. Now, she is constantly getting better with me being friends with females and dommes, so our relationship has one less burden on it. The biggest one now is the distance and the year long wait till we're together again. We're gonna make it, though!

_____________________________

Collared and devoted property of Mistress Lorelei (vampchick88) as of 3/26/08.

Rubberpet - The Resident Anti-Subby and mysterious shadowy figure known as Voodoo, proud hitman and wiseguy for the Subby Mafia.

(in reply to MsStarlett)

Post #: 33

RE: Jelous Dommes - 10/11/2008 5:13:11 AM

youngsubgeoff

Posts: 900
Joined: 9/25/2007
From: The Asylum
Status: offline

-deleted-

< Message edited by youngsubgeoff -- 10/11/2008 5:15:11 AM >

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You dont need to question my sanity, I can assure you Im quite mad. Its ok though, all the best people are

(in reply to rubberpet)

Post #: 34

RE: Jelous Dommes - 10/11/2008 6:06:58 AM

MsStarlett

Posts: 1879
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline

You Ladies - and guys - are so SMART! Yep. It happened. The one I was most fussy about when I started this thread is back. He 'tossed' his new collar because She started totally ignoring him.

First it was all "You are MINE! No one else!", he gave up the password, stopped talking to me, created a new account to 'sneak around'... now the other 'Domme' has gone *poof* on him. Classic case of her asking him to send her money for 'bills' so she could travel to meet him, then she canceled the trip because she needed more money. I advised him NOT to do that because I've read the horror stories on these boards of women who need gas money this week and a house payment next week... When he refused to send cash, she disappeared.

I've got another one who is actively seeking 'dates' with two other Dommes in his area. Neither has met him face to face yet. One has already canceled a meeting. I really do feel sorry for these guys. They are such NICE guys! I honestly wish there was something more that I could do for them... but all I can do is be supportive. I do hate to see their little spirits crushed by these 'fakers' and incompatible women who don't seem to able to just tell them "It's not working."

_____________________________

It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

(in reply to youngsubgeoff)

Post #: 35

RE: Jelous Dommes - 10/11/2008 7:14:22 AM

Chi

Posts: 68
Joined: 1/31/2005
Status: offline

Jewel: A question and I am not playing the devil’s advocate. Fealty, honor truth, and trust are what friendships are rooted in and with that being said it seems illogical to assume long-term acquaintances or friendships could or can be severed ignored or discarded based upon the reasoning of someone else. In fact, a demand of that nature diminishes honor, reduces truth, destroys trust, and casts fealty to the wind...as well as, brings into question the relationship at hand.

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)

Post #: 36

RE: Jelous Dommes - 10/11/2008 7:17:46 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

Chi, what of the situation where the person you thought was an honorable friend with your best interests at heart was actually lying to you, hiding various actions, etc, and the third party offered you the proof?

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[page 23 girl]

(in reply to Chi)

Post #: 37

RE: Jelous Dommes - 10/11/2008 7:17:46 AM

MysticFireTopaz

Posts: 50939
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: Dallas/Ft. Worth, TX
Status: offline

I have never required that a sub discontinue contact with any of his women friends. As long as I trust him, it isn't a problem. If I didn't trust him, I wouldn't want him as a sub.

Lady Topaz

(in reply to MsStarlett)

Post #: 38

RE: Jelous Dommes - 10/11/2008 7:53:53 AM

ShiftedJewel

Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Chi

Jewel: A question and I am not playing the devil’s advocate. Fealty, honor truth, and trust are what friendships are rooted in and with that being said it seems illogical to assume long-term acquaintances or friendships could or can be severed ignored or discarded based upon the reasoning of someone else. In fact, a demand of that nature diminishes honor, reduces truth, destroys trust, and casts fealty to the wind...as well as, brings into question the relationship at hand.

I have never asked anyone to sever a friendship. I said I can understand why some do. It begs the question though... what kind of friend would first be happy for you, back you up all the way and then, once the deed is done and upon realizing that the said friend is truly gone, moved away (or is in the process of moving) to pursue their new lives, would do everything in their power to convince that friend of what a horrible mistake they made before so much as a week has gone by? To badger them about what a great couple they would have made and so on? I've had this happen twice with someone that was ready to move here and once with someone that already had.

That's the kind of friends I'm talking about. And that's why I can understand why some do that... and as I said... not that I think I ever could.

Jewel

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to Chi)

Post #: 39

RE: Jelous Dommes - 10/11/2008 8:05:53 AM

ShiftedJewel

Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MysticFireTopaz

I have never required that a sub discontinue contact with any of his women friends. As long as I trust him, it isn't a problem. If I didn't trust him, I wouldn't want him as a sub.

Lady Topaz

I'm not picking on you... lol... it's just the closest one to quote.

See, this has been said over and over here. And I do agree... absolutely!! But I'm talking about a budding relationship, one where everything is still reasonably new, where you have talked and talked and now it's time to find out if you can live together. Trust? Yeah, by that time I've reached the point where I trust them in my home, I trust them enough to leave my wallet laying around. But everyone involved knows there are still bumps to be ironed out, issues to address and personal spaces to be worked out. I don't care if it's two or twelve people involved, it takes time to fully commit, to fully trust and to fully reach that potential that caused you to get together in the first place. Yes, by all means, talk to your friends, get their feedback and input! Everyone needs a sounding board. But when that "friend", that trusted voice, desides to be selfish, decides that what they want to be happy is more important then what you told them you wanted... then what? Yes, I could, and did, say that they were being self centered, that the behavior was unethical... but still... it's a trusted friend that has had that time to build up that trust... time that was denied me and mine.

No, I wouldn't do it, I couldn't deny them talking to their friends and at best all I can do is question their choices in friends and mourn my personal loses. But again... trust is great... but only if you are given the time to earn that trust. I dropped my rose colored glasses in the trash a long time ago.

Jewel

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to MysticFireTopaz)

Post #: 40

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