RE: What do you do when you Master turns vanilla?

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RE: What do you do when you Master turns vanilla? - 10/19/2008 7:57:35 AM

MontrealPhoenix

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pet, now is not the time to think of yourself and your wants and needs. It's entirely possible that your Master's loss is a very deep one, especially if he and his mother were close. If necessary find someone to give you the D/s elements you need.

Remember, when you married him it was for better or worse. Well now is the "for worse" time. Yes it's hard but it's what you signed up for when you married him. It's impossible to put a limit on how long someone grieves when they lose someone, especially a parent they were close to.

I have a relationship with a wonderful Master. Generally he is dominant and has close control over my life but, as it happens, he is going through a very tough time. Will i leave him? No, he needs to lean on me and i'll wait however long it takes to get through it. I don't believe in walking away from a relationship, whatever kind it may be, just because things are haaaard.

pet, this is the time for you to be the strong one and care for your Master. It's most assuredly not the time to think of you. Yes he's your Master, but he's a human being and humans aren't always strong and dominant. I do agree he should have grief councelling but most of all he needs you to stand by him and assure him that you will be there for him. Leaving him now will just add to his depression and feelings of grief and unhappiness.

All this said it sounds to me like you've already made up your mind and are looking for others to give you permission so that you don't feel guilty. Ultimately it's your decision of course, but make that decision based on how you feel rather than what others say because some time in the future you may well regret leaving him, especially if you love him and he is basically a good man.

phoenix

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RE: What do you do when you Master turns vanilla? - 10/19/2008 8:12:41 AM

sunshinemiss

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let's see ... it's been 3 years? That is psychologically unhealthy. Girl, there is some serious shit happening there. Staying indefinitely in a relationship that doesn't work for you is not doing you or him any favors. Perhaps you might want to get counseling for you to see why you are staying for so long unfulfilled.

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RE: What do you do when you Master turns vanilla? - 10/19/2008 8:54:44 AM

Pet2000

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I am NOT married, We are living togeather,,,

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RE: What do you do when you Master turns vanilla? - 10/19/2008 9:00:21 PM

DavanKael

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Pet2000 said: Yes, I begged, pleading that I needed it for us to survive. I love him very much.
After reading these threads Even thought it will break my heart and his. I know I have to end it.
Its not just about inflicting pain. And My God a little spanking isent pain. Heck some vanillas do it. Its the whole D/S feel. And yes I carry my weight in the relationship including 50/50 finances.It is just so frustrating.I have talked to his EXs and they are amazed that he is doing this.
So Im assumeing there is no way to get my Master back.....

Drgn Slayr said: For better or for worse...that should be the end of the discussion.
I promised my love that I would always be with her and work on our relationship, not that we would always feel like we were in love. I am a man of my word and integrity means something in my world. If we truly stay focused on the relationship rather than the emotions - the Royal Us as another poster put it in a different thread, we will overcome any bumps or valleys in the way in due time...together.
Tell him that you intend to have a Dom outside the marriage, but that you will always be his wife in all other ways as long as you both shall live. It sounds like he would be more understanding than the average vanilla guy who has never been down y'all's road before. Lots of people have stayed in satisfying marriages even after one partner or the other came out of the closet about his/her homosexuality or other issues that would bring a less open-minded marriage crashing to it's knees. If y'all love each other, then you can do it too.

Davan is saying: < groan > I married a great guy, a best friend, a soul mate, and we had lots of good years together. We met when I was 15. By the time I was 19 or 20, I understood the desire for power dynamics was something inherent to me. I asked, I explained, I begged, I pleased, I attempted to educate, I cried, I raged. Nothing. "I don't understand it, I am not intersted in it, no." We separated right before I turned 33, so didn't throw in the towel promptly nor was it over lack of D/s dynamics (But, lack of desire to meet my sexual needs didn't help things).
You're at an unenviable crossroads, imo. I cringed at reading your posts for as much as I hungered for the dynamics, I never really tasted them until a poly relationship in the latter third of our marriage and oh, did I bleed when that ended.
DrgnSlayr has some pragmatic suggestions. I don't know if opening things up is an option for you. Sometimes, a marriage ending is the best thing. You have a lot of context, I don't know that you want to give things up at this point; I don't know what your point beyond which you will bend no further is. Do you?
Davan

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RE: What do you do when you Master turns vanilla? - 10/20/2008 9:37:07 AM

DrgnSlayr

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Not being married puts a very different spin on it. Disregard 99% of what I said.

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RE: What do you do when you Master turns vanilla? - 10/20/2008 3:53:18 PM

DavanKael

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OP: My apologies, I missed the not married part as well. I reviewed my post, though, and extracting the part about married still ask the same things and share the same thoughts/feelings. Lack of paper/ring doesn't mean you're less committed, so I don't want to make an assumption of your lack of commitment if you are committed.
Davan

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RE: What do you do when you Master turns vanilla? - 10/23/2008 11:28:13 AM

RealSub58

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

It's sad, but it happens. I can certainly understand not wanting to hurt someone you love, but it's tragic to forget what made that person fall in love with you in the first place.

All you slaves whose masters DON'T turn vanilla even though they love you: make sure you thank them for their strength every day. It's not always easy.

My Sir is vanilla and my control. Whether he is in his vanilla mode or in his Sir mode, he is still my control.
I hate the word vanilla. Vanilla = life to me. Life happens and when it does I am still submissive for it is who I am.
When life happens, he is still who he is, a dominant male.

My Sir had surgery not too long ago and he would not allow me to help in anyway. His family did. Does this discount me and does this mean he turned vanilla on me?

My obedience to his needs and wants is what he wanted, I had to obey.

Today I go to take care of a friend who has CP and is dependent on others to care for her. This friend asked to come and stay with me. He said NO. I go there. But while I am there, this will not make me vanilla and his control vanilla.

When my mom dies, I will grieve.
If the basketball size mass extracted from my sisters abdoman is cancerous and I to help take care of her. I will find many changes. Life happens and changes nothing about who we are.

If vanilla means there is no longer a kinky or bdsm element to your relationship, realize that your Dom is unable at this time to include that in his dominant self. Submission is to him and to thank him everyday for his strength and control of the situation ~~ the best he can do ~~ is still submission to him.

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RE: What do you do when you Master turns vanilla? - 10/23/2008 10:53:32 PM

kitastrophe33

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Just throwing my 2 cents in...late, I know... But I don't think it necessarily has to do with really falling in love. My last partner was very much into the D/s element and from time to time would throw in a dose of S&M. I asked him once why he thought he got off on hurting me and he really surprised me by answering that he didn't really. He said he could tell when I needed it and he loved me enough to give it to me. Maybe some people can't beat on the people they love... Some people beat on you because they love you.

I really hope you and your husband can reclaim that piece of your relationship.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ApathyRomance

I've seen a couple posts very much like this one. There was one thing that people said a bunch, which is that sometimes when someone really falls in love they have a hard time inflicting pain. *shrugs* might be worth searching for.

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RE: What do you do when you Master turns vanilla? - 10/25/2008 11:17:12 PM

elixer69

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what about the idea of having a outlet for bdsm outside of the marraige, consentual and on the table. Would he want this? would you want this?
also I have heard that there are bdsm counselors....cool.
good luck

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RE: What do you do when you Master turns vanilla? - 10/26/2008 3:01:55 PM

mystique2003

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I can see where you may be coming from or sort of. I was with Master for 7 years some rt and some ld. He was a strict but good Master. The last year of our relationship he changed. The chats on messenger stopped. Then for a while it was just e mails and phone calls when we were ld . Then the e mails began to dwindle and he wouldn't even bother to answer the majority of them even when I asked questions or asked his permission for something. Now our once or twice weekly phone calls are down to one every two or three weeks.
My head is telling me that the relationship is dying a slow death. My heart still has hope. But I am seeing that feeling miserable and confused all the time is no way to be. Since he has cut off almost all communication maybe it is time I just let the relationship go and be thankful for the years I had with him and for all he taught me about myself.
I guess my situation isn't anything like what you are going through , but what I am trying to say is that you have needs that have to be met for your happiness and your ability to make your Master happy. Can you live without those needs being met and can you keep this relationship going without those needs being met. And keep him happy too? Lots to ponder
Take care
mystique

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RE: What do you do when you Master turns vanilla? - 10/26/2008 9:15:53 PM

TechLord

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Counseling may help. If you can, try to find a kink friendly councilor. You admit that you love him, but NEED the BDSM. If the counseling will not help, let him know that your NEED will force you to take a play partner. Either the Dom in him will come out at that point or else you get your play partner and meet your need.

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RE: What do you do when you Master turns vanilla? - 10/26/2008 10:26:09 PM

Sky42

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Do things that force or entice him into becoming a Master again. Here are some examples:

Begin going around the house naked (you said that your sons were out of the house). Only put on clothes if there is company, or if he COMMANDS, not tells, you to.
Be sure you address him as Master.
Do those little things like after serving dinner, (which means having the table all set and served instead of just grabbing something in the kitchen or in front of the TV), wait for him to eat, and wait for his permission.
When getting ready for bed for the night (or possibly a bit before...), turn down the bed and put your cuffs/play collar on and have the rope/toys laid out on the bed with you sitting on the floor next to the bed.

These are just ideas, and may not work for your (old?) dynamic, but do things that will re-kindle that. I would reccomend against giving an ultimatum, or heading straight to a councilor (which could have it's own difficulties "Wait, you are upset because he ISN'T commanding you?"). Instead, help him to remember the reasons you fell in love in the first place.

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