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RE: what would you do? - 12/9/2005 6:48:22 AM

littleone35

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Me personally i would tell him listen its me or her you can't have both of us. Then if he chooses her it will hurt like hell but at least you will be well rid of him then.

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RE: what would you do? - 12/9/2005 7:08:08 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

ORIGINAL: littleone35
Me personally i would tell him listen its me or her you can't have both of us. Then if he chooses her it will hurt like hell but at least you will be well rid of him then.
littleone

I wouldn't give him that choice. H'es obviously chosen one thing- not to trust me or respect the commitment he made to me.

I could care less if it's another woman or a job or his latest warhammer game- the deceit and pattern of mistrust is what matters.

Would I give him another chance? Maybe, but only starting back from the ground up. He doesn't get to choose "me or the other." He gets to choose "healthy relationship with me or nothing with me at all."

Forcing someone to choose between yourself and another will always leave you wondering "What if the next best thing comes around?" Forcing someone to work for a good relationship or just end it allows you to at least have as much security as one can in a relationship.

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RE: what would you do? - 12/9/2005 7:47:20 AM

raney

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Taking someone at their word or being suspicious is useless to you both.

You are doubting him. You had reason to doubt him before now, whether it was rational or irrational.

You both need to sit down and have a serious talk or three about trust issues. What exactly are you worried about? What steps could you both take to show confidence and solidarity?

Whether it's an affair or a mother, you've got a partner who is putting others in priority to your relationship and it's causing issues. You need to discuss the issues and decide whether those priorities can change or not.

As a PS- why aren't you going over to spend time with him at his mothers at least half the time?

i go over to His house when i am invited. usually when He has free time and we see eachother, it is after He gets off work at night. and my boys need to be in bed for school, so He just usually comes over here. but yes, i do go to His house also.

stephanie

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RE: what would you do? - 12/9/2005 7:55:22 AM

Tapestry

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Well folks I've been here and done this so often in the past it's not funny.
Most memorable occassion though was with a vanilla relationship, shortly after my marriage.
And I gave the b@stard every chance to come clean, change his behavior and stop the cheating.
Hell, I even called the woman. Boy was she ever pissed to find out he was cheating on her. lol
But their relationship continued, and my ability to rationalize and believe his lies continued for
a long time too.

And then finally one day I got stronger.
And I set myself free of him.

Now, was it easy? No fracking way.
And for a couple years did I have the strength to do it? Nope.

But you will get strong in time.
And you will learn to trust your feelings and instincts.
They never lie to you.
Our thoughts CAN and do lie to us, and twist things around to make things be the way we want them to be.
Thoughts are dangerous.

But feelings never lie.
And if you try to ignore the feelings,
or stuff them away,
or medicate them away with drugs, alcohol, food, shopping, or any other unhealthy behavior,
they will still be there, and eventually will harm you,
but hopefully eventually will make themselves known.

I suggest something I learned the hard way.
Start a journal, and start getting in touch with those feelings sooner rather than later.
It will hurt.
You will cry.
You will be afraid.
There is something more comfortable about staying in this relationship than in ending it right now,
even if it's unhealthy, it is meeting some need of yours.
But is it outweighing the negative impact on you?

Journal. Stream of Consciousnesss.
And let yourself feel, allow the feelings to come out.
Only through listening to them, will you truly find the answers you need.
And only you can do this and only you can find them.
And I'm here to hold you very close when you cry, 'cause this IS a painful process.

Peace to you.

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RE: what would you do? - 12/9/2005 8:15:54 AM

raney

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first off i would like to thank everyone for their responses.

so after i posted this yesterday, i sat down and wrote Him a letter. i have realized and learned, that there are times, when it is better for me to write Him a letter, than it is for me to try to talk myself blue in the face. lol, took me awhile to learn that, but i have. so in my letter, i outline all my points/concerns. i made sure the tone was non threatening also. i didnt want Him to become defensive when He read it. we are both stubborn people, and have a hard time seeing things from others perspectives at times.

so in the letter, i explained my feelings, things i had noticed, etc. now, each individual thing by itself is no big deal, but when they are all put together, it seems fishy. so when i was done, i called Him and told Him He had mail to read when He got a chance.

i believe He was honest. some of you might think i am naive, but let me explain why. after He read the letter, He told me that He would have done the exact same thing i did. He would have looked in my phone. He told me that He now understood why i was so upset. many of His ex's are still His friends. i dont have a problem with that. i have met a few of them. He told me He didnt realize He was talking to her that much. now as far as His mom. He watched my boys for me for a couple of hours yesterday. she wasnt home when i dropped them off. when i picked them up, He left with us. He didnt want me driving in the snow. she made some nasty comments as we walked out the door. i asked Him what it was all about. she was mad because my boys were over there. now, she had told me, that no matter what, they were still her grandsons also. if it had been any of her 3 biological grand children, she would not have been throwing a fit when she got home and they were there. she was mad that He was spending time with His stepsons. so i can now see the whole mom thing.

yes i was wrong for snooping. i even knew when i did it, that if i did it, i would ruin any possibility of Him moving back in anytime soon. i thought long and hard about it. i have never touched His phone before, NEVER. that is His phone. and i agree with the person that said, who He talks to is His business, for how long, etc. except for when it comes to others in our relationship one way or another. we have agreed, no one else involved with us. so when it came to the possibility of Him cheating, i dont think i was completely wrong in looking at His phone.

prior to the D/s dynamic being in our relationship. i never would have sat and talked to Him about it. i would have let it fester and grow. i have to seriously look at the fact that our physical and emotional relationship has not changed, at least if anything, it has gotten better. most times, if one is cheating, that goes to shit and does not get better. He has told me time and time again, since the first time she was mentioned, months and months ago, that He was not attracted to her. that He doesnt even know why He slept with her in the first place.

so with taking everything else that He has told me, and what i have seen with my own eyes. my HEAD is telling me to believe Him, but just to be cautious and not put my blinders on.

again, thank you everyone for taking the time to respond to me. i appreciate it.

stephanie

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RE: what would you do? - 12/9/2005 11:55:52 AM

candystripper

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quote:

what would you do if you were in the same situation? would you take His word and believe Him, or would you still be suspicious? i promised Him last night that i would not look at His call log anymore. i told Him i believed Him, which last night i did, but after talking to a friend today, i have some doubts. please help me to try to figure this out. and please dont tell me to leave Him right now, if i do find out that He is in fact cheating, i will leave Him, but right now, all i have is a phone number. for my own peace of mind, i have to be sure one way or the other.

raney

raney; i am 52 yrs old. Never once have i or one of my girlfriends asked "is he cheating" that the answer was not "yes". Every time. Listen to your instincts and end this bad relationship so you are free to find a healthy one.

JMO.

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RE: what would you do? - 12/9/2005 12:35:27 PM

CaptainsPet

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I hate to say this, but it sounds like he wants to play both ends against the middle. If he won't agree to an honest, sit-down discussion, and continues to be evasive, then he's hiding something. From my own personal experience...without communication and trust, there is nothing. Women usually have a pretty good intuitive sense about lying and cheating behavior. If you think it or feel it enough to go snooping around, then chances are good you already know what he's doing. I'm sorry. If he is cheating, and you look the other way or allow it, it will only continue or escalate...that too, is from my own personal experience. I wish you much luck.

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RE: what would you do? - 12/13/2005 12:46:42 AM

bratgirll

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well, not all rats are rats.....some might be snakes or scorpions-or very dear men.

in this case, i think to have this kind of doubt plus the evidence of the phone logs - along with the excuse that this man's mommy wants him to sleep in his own bed at night - is worrisome. and while i don't think it's appropriate to invade anyone's privacy - the reality, is that it occurred and doubt has taken center stage.

my question is, were there things that you noticed, that worried you about his commitment to you and the relationship that you have with one another, that propelled you into looking at his phone logs? or, were there no worries until you found them.

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RE: what would you do? - 12/13/2005 9:30:02 AM

78787878

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Tell him you want to try being the dominant for a little while, then lock him in a chastity belt.

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RE: what would you do? - 12/13/2005 10:30:01 AM

AlderTheKitty

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bring it up with him and try an show him that you love him.

ask him why would he feel the need ot call someone right after he hung up with you

and if he won't answer call the number and find out who the hell this person is

don't be naive and beleave what he says just because you want things to be ok my ex cheated on me and said the same thing

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RE: what would you do? - 12/13/2005 10:33:09 AM

WulfMan

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Within any relationship there needs to be two things for sure, Comunication and Trust. And they are both intertwined, obviously he won't comunicate with you, so you don't trust him, which is completly understandable. In my opinion, he sounds like a bad egg that needs to grow up and stop letting his mommy wipe his ass. But if you're trying to get it to work, just say you are very concerned be caring about it and ask him who it was and what reason he had for calling that person. If he won't answer you straight you probably have your answer, but if he tries to lie look at his eyes if they roll up into the creative side of his brain he's trying to cook up a lie, or watch his breathing, there are signs for all.

I will pray for you, hopefully it's nothing but I think you'd be better off with someone else in my opinion.

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RE: what would you do? - 12/13/2005 10:59:30 AM

MissHarlet

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LOL ...... ok ok .. I didnt take desert rats into consideration before I answered ... perhaps <wink> there are some exception to the "rat" rule ...

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RE: what would you do? - 12/13/2005 1:26:45 PM

raney

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quote:

my question is, were there things that you noticed, that worried you about his commitment to you and the relationship that you have with one another, that propelled you into looking at his phone logs? or, were there no worries until you found them.

bratgirll

i had no worries BEFORE i found the logs. it was after, and i sat here thinking, and all this other stuff came into my head. mom has always been a problem. i love her to death, but her woe is me woe is me act gets on my nerves really fast. if she doesnt get her way, she is worse than a child. and starts on the well i wish i were dead shit. she has done this since we met, so that is not something new. he has now figured out what He says to her. "i dont know if im coming here after work. i will decide after work where im staying." He isnt totally putting her off, but He also isnt making any promises to her when He may just change His mind, which He has done often. go home, tell me He wishes He were here, etc. and yes, i know He was at home and not somewhere else. what it comes down to, is, i was feeling like i was second fiddle to His parents. and i told Him that is how i felt. He has changed some of His actions, and i dont feel like second fiddle anymore.

stephanie

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RE: what would you do? - 12/13/2005 8:54:58 PM

petcerina

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i'm going with LuckyAlbatross on this one.

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RE: what would you do? - 12/14/2005 12:05:46 AM

cinnfulhussy

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I'm a little confused. The first time you asked what number it was, he said it was the number of a daughter of one of his teachers?

"He said He didnt know, then looked through His phone. when He came across it, He started laughing, saying it was just so and so's number. there was another womans number in His phone that the number was secret. He said He accidentally put her number as secret when He was messing around with His phone, and He cant figure out how to unlock it. that she is the daughter of one of His former teachers. very believable. but, He would not give me a reason as to why He was talking to this other girl so much, and why He called her so much after just hanging up with me."

But here it sounds like he admitted it was an ex?

"He told me that He now understood why i was so upset. many of His ex's are still His friends. i dont have a problem with that. i have met a few of them. He told me He didnt realize He was talking to her that much."

Is that the case? If so, why lie the first time? If not, disregard :)

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RE: what would you do? - 12/15/2005 12:38:17 AM

brightspot

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I think he is pulling the wool over your eyes and
you are leaving it there because you don't want to
come to terms with the reality of the situation.

I even see, hear you trying to talk yourself into believing
him, maybe out of fear of spliting up and being alone
with your short ones or even just not wanting to look obviously
gullible here. Do the short ones hear and experience and words and
feelings the step-grandma says or has about them?

There is no way I see a grown man going to his mother's house to
sleep because she demands it, does he live still with his mother and
only visits with you? If so, why the hell is that? I guess I may be a bit
confused. Regardless, I think he is lying to you, plain and simple. MsN
is friends with a few exes, two she has contact with and do things together,
but then I am also involved. I know they have both moved on and are
happy in other relationships.
Honesty and Communication is so Important.

I tend to think you still don't believe him and time will reveal
the truth to you. I hope for the sake of you and the short people
he is being honest but I highly doubt it.

Good Luck.

*Brightspot

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RE: what would you do? - 12/26/2005 7:16:55 AM

TexasMaam

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissHarlet

if it looks like a rat ... talks like a rat ... acts like a rat .... or lies like a rat ... it probably is a rat ............

MissHarlet: I'd have taken many more words to state it as plainly! I'll just say:

DITTO!

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RE: what would you do? - 12/27/2005 4:03:45 PM

mons

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this may go with that mommy thing had a sub we talk on phone he became so hot about talk about mommy and well he had a good time but have not heard from him at all no nothing i am or was to be his domme it is a puzzpe to me what happen do you think ?

m

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RE: what would you do? - 1/2/2006 7:20:41 PM

spoiledbrat

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How can you trust someone that now has lied to you, it is going to cause all kinds of mind games with you. Take it from me, been there done that. Horrible feeling not to trust someone anymore.

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RE: what would you do? - 1/3/2006 12:35:50 AM

Petruchio

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My 2¢ is that I don't like the 'feel' of it, and you're in a bad spot:

If you're right, you lose, and
if you're wrong, you lose.

You could, of course, walk, but I offer a variation and a suggestion:

1. Insist the two of you see a counselor.

2. If he won't do (1), then say, "I feel I have failed you, and having failed you, I must leave."

At first blush, this seems to remove responsibility from him. However, what it does is force him to accept responsibilty: If he truly loves YOU and only YOU, then he must find a way to make you feel comfortable enough to stay. If he does not, then you have your answer, sad as it may be.

(Note: It's possible the truth is halfway in between. I.e., he may have been flirting or phonesexing but not doing the physical deed. One thing I have learned is that men might not think that is cheating, but women do.)

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