RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa?

RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? (Full Version)

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RCdc -> RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? (10/13/2008 6:34:32 AM)
Do you discipline her in a non sexual way say when something does not occur that you desire? Does she obey you? Does she wear a collar or ring? Is she bound to you? Commited? the.dark.

DesFIP -> RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? (10/13/2008 7:30:28 AM)
What I did was not begin to look until after I had figured out what I wanted. In every way. I knew the core values we had to have in common. Offspring come first. So I looked for a man who was very involved in his ums' lives. I knew the interests we had to either share, or he would be willing to indulge. And the ones I was willing to indulge for him. Example: He's not a big miniature golf fan but he will go with me occasionally. I'm not a big movie fan but I will go with him sometimes. If he had refused to ever go miniature golfing we wouldn't have been a match. If all he ever wanted to do was go to the movies I wouldn't have been a match. And I knew what I was looking for personality wise. I knew what I had to have and what I couldn't possibly accept. It took five years but that was fine with me. I would rather have been alone than lonely with the wrong person.

SailingBum -> RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? (10/13/2008 7:00:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: bound21 after searching on collarme for some time now, i am starting to doubt whether i will find a Dom on this site who also meets my vanilla needs.so i thought to myself, "self, maybe you are going about this the wrong way..if looking for the sexual aspect you want and hoping it co-incides with the right personality isnt working, maybe you should look for the right personality and see if hte sexual aspect co-incides". my question is this - do you think it would be easier/more likely to be successful for me to keep looking for a man who identifies as Dom and try to see if we match in vanilla aspects OR is it possible to try and find someone who matches my vanilla needs and then see if he has any latent Dom tendencies that could be encouraged? does either way have a more likely potential of success or failure? or should i just say what the hey, and try everything? (which by the way sounds like a more adventurous type of approach :) Fucking DUH ya know switch the word nilla with Click and then look at the kink side. Why you ppl try to make this seem so difficult is beyond me. This isn't my first rodeo. All the relationships Ive had ...Ive met ONE on a kink site. BadOne

leadership527 -> RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? (10/13/2008 11:24:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark Do you discipline her in a non sexual way say when something does not occur that you desire? Does she obey you? Does she wear a collar or ring? Is she bound to you? Commited? the.dark. Yup to all of the above, although "discipline" for me is not around corporal punishment or anger management, it's strictly a mechanism for behavior change which means that it's often just a stern glance or a discussion. Heck, the last time I "disciplined" her, the way I did it was simply performing the chore myself that she balked at. Not surprisingly, she found that very distasteful -- enough so to do her own introspection and behavior change (kudos to MadRabbit for that one laughs). So again, it's a strong D/s dynamic but not very "bdsmy" in flavor.

bound21 -> RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? (10/13/2008 11:42:17 PM)
thanks to all who replied. wasn't quite what i expected but all good learning. not sure i'd do it again though. cheers

bound21 -> RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? (10/13/2008 11:50:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP What I did was not begin to look until after I had figured out what I wanted. In every way. I knew the core values we had to have in common. Offspring come first. So I looked for a man who was very involved in his ums' lives. I knew the interests we had to either share, or he would be willing to indulge. And the ones I was willing to indulge for him. Example: He's not a big miniature golf fan but he will go with me occasionally. I'm not a big movie fan but I will go with him sometimes. If he had refused to ever go miniature golfing we wouldn't have been a match. If all he ever wanted to do was go to the movies I wouldn't have been a match. And I knew what I was looking for personality wise. I knew what I had to have and what I couldn't possibly accept. It took five years but that was fine with me. I would rather have been alone than lonely with the wrong person. thank you for this comment. is nice that someone actually tried to help me in a way that didnt make me feel like an idiot. its appreciated :)

RCdc -> RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? (10/14/2008 12:12:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: leadership527 quote: ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark Do you discipline her in a non sexual way say when something does not occur that you desire? Does she obey you? Does she wear a collar or ring? Is she bound to you? Commited? the.dark. Yup to all of the above, although "discipline" for me is not around corporal punishment or anger management, it's strictly a mechanism for behavior change which means that it's often just a stern glance or a discussion. Heck, the last time I "disciplined" her, the way I did it was simply performing the chore myself that she balked at. Not surprisingly, she found that very distasteful -- enough so to do her own introspection and behavior change (kudos to MadRabbit for that one laughs). So again, it's a strong D/s dynamic but not very "bdsmy" in flavor. Hi leadership. The reason I asked the question is that if these are all part of your 'dynamic' then they are BDSM in 'flavour'. Your main image at this current time (which fucking rocks btw) is unmistakable. I'm not trying to dictate your relationship and pigeon hole it and if it comes across like that I do apologise because only you can determine your dynamic, but Ds or not, you have and portray a beautiful BDSM relationship... well to me that is how it exudes anyway. You only have to participate in one single 'action' for it to have BDSM as a flavour, even if it isn't a core ingredient in your kitchen. the.dark.

leadership527 -> RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? (10/14/2008 12:29:33 AM)
Thanks the.dark. No worries about me feeling pidgeonholed... I gave up worrying about what other people might think of my relationship for lent. My wife likes it and that's good enough for me laughs. But in my experience, if I say to someone, I'm into BDSM, then they conjure up images of leather, whips and chains and it's just not there. So I refer to us as "vanilla" and say my obedient wife rather than my slave and that conveys a more accurate impression. Of course, she is a kinky little slut and is corrupting me quickly so the whole vanilla thing is becoming more of a historical statement than current fact laughs I better get those cricket whites ordered fast... even now I may need cricket grays. And yes, whatever kind of relationship it is, it is definitely beautiful to us. bound21 Sorry for this little tangent. But to return to your original question, perhaps this little sidebar between DnD and myself sheds some light on things? What the heck is vanilla? I've collared my wife in a 24x7 M/s relationship and call myself vanilla. I have some "vanilla" friends who I know for a fact do some pretty unusual things in the bedroom. Maybe you're letting the "vanilla" label box in your own thinking? As others have suggested, maybe you just find whoever you find wherever you find him and if he happens to think of himself as vanilla, so what?

JustDarkness -> RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? (10/14/2008 1:03:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: bound21 my question is this - do you think it would be easier/more likely to be successful for me to keep looking for a man who identifies as Dom and try to see if we match in vanilla aspects OR is it possible to try and find someone who matches my vanilla needs and then see if he has any latent Dom tendencies that could be encouraged? does either way have a more likely potential of success or failure? or should i just say what the hey, and try everything? (which by the way sounds like a more adventurous type of approach :) personaly I don't think you find a partner...but meet him or her. Hunting for a partner is to forcefull. besides that..don't worry about the vanilla part. We are in living in the vanilla world. No matter how hard some people scream in their profiles they hate vanilla..bla bla...they still go shop in the vanilla supermarkets. Just try the people you feel attracted too..and see how it goes. We are not more special then vanilla persons...we are not above them. We are them...just like most of them...just slightly different opinions and thoughts. ps. It is very important to say what you want and don't want. Then at least they are not confused and have the wrong thoughts.

RCdc -> RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? (10/14/2008 1:18:06 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: leadership527 laughs I better get those cricket whites ordered fast... even now I may need cricket grays. We want photo evidence! Strickly for educational purposes obviously, nothing to do with my drooling...[:D] the.dark.

bound21 -> RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? (10/14/2008 2:22:39 AM)
i have read everything here - including the sideline topics - and it is interesting. it sounds lovely - forget vanilla, bdsm, etc and just find the person that is right for you - all very pc. but i am sub. i might not be a big experienced extreme sub, more a soft little newbie sub...but i'm still sub. if my partner is not Dom then what?? go through life with that part of me cut off?? i'm only sexual sub, so what...live with my partner and go out fucking other men to give me what i need?? i know some people do that often with the full support and encouragement of their partners - good on them and all joy to them...but i cant do that! i want to share all the major aspects of my life with my partner. i can compromise on lots of things, but i plan to have sex with my partner...in fact i plan to have a lot of it...and i want that partner to be Dominant - to get every ounce of joy my submission to him can give him - as i will enjoy his Dominance of me. i have people that i get on with in all different ways and that complement many different aspects of my life and their sexual orientation is never an issue - i call them friends. but my partner i want to be my friend and my Dom. if that is an únrealistic expectation' then so be it. i'm a naive little sub who is in for a life of disappointment. my query started because i was focussing on just one aspect - his being Dom - and i realised that was not necessarily the best way to go about it...but to the ones who has just told me to ignore that aspect well that doesnt sound like good advice either. i put my hand up, i had a problem - does anyone have some experience to share with me and to help me. and i have to say, most people did just that and i honestly thank them. to the others, rather then helping all you have done is convince me never to raise my hand and ask a question here again. if you tell yourself you post to help people, maybe you should look again.

RCdc -> RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? (10/14/2008 4:40:03 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: bound21 i put my hand up, i had a problem - does anyone have some experience to share with me and to help me. and i have to say, most people did just that and i honestly thank them. to the others, rather then helping all you have done is convince me never to raise my hand and ask a question here again. if you tell yourself you post to help people, maybe you should look again. Hey I resemble that remark! I'm going to respond, because well, everyone here can pretty much guess that was aimed at people who write like me. The only thing to remember is not to take things personally on a forum. And to read what is written, not to twist the words in the direction you think they are going but to come back and clarify. Which you did and that is all cool. But your not the 'blameless' new babe you are trying to project by accusing others of coming across as being being frightening - you gave out and got back. That rocks. Just accept some of the responsibility for yourself as well. Oh and for the record, I'm not here posting the 'help people'. People help themselves, I am not a nanny or a hand holder. I am here to debate(in between the painting, website maintaining and the ironing and the housework) and put shit over, nothing more than that. People that want help, that want to move forward do so on their own. So some more advice - don't come onto a forum and expect everyone to be 'nice', for everyone to be on the same wavelength and for everyone wants to sugar coat things. Just like you.[;)] the.dark.

JustDarkness -> RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? (10/14/2008 8:04:58 AM)
in short; advise can be used or ignored on here :P

RCdc -> RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? (10/14/2008 8:10:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JustDarkness in short; advise can be used or ignored on here :P D - I'd use any advise dished out in your accent (which comes across in your writings) anytime.fans self the.dark.

JustDarkness -> RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? (10/14/2008 8:14:11 AM)
lol I remember that for when Darcy is gone for work :P ;)

RCdc -> RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? (10/14/2008 8:17:51 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JustDarkness lol I remember that for when Darcy is gone for work :P ;) Gosh we are shameless... [sm=flowers.gif] the.dark.

JustDarkness -> RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? (10/14/2008 8:25:58 AM)
ok ok..he can listen too :P but no touching haha [sm=danger.gif]

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? (10/14/2008 8:34:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: bound21 i put my hand up, i had a problem - does anyone have some experience to share with me and to help me. and i have to say, most people did just that and i honestly thank them. to the others, rather then helping all you have done is convince me never to raise my hand and ask a question here again. if you tell yourself you post to help people, maybe you should look again. I grew up in an Italian/Sicilian neighborhood. I don't think there was -anyone- that I knew of growing up who was involved in WIITWD, or if they were it was something so private that it -never- squeaked past the heavy windowshades of their house (if anyone had known, it would have been kitchen-table gossip for -millenia-..the women I grew up around never forget -anything-, and they bring up Uncle Tito's strange pictures in the shed at -every- single family get-together and have been going so for the 46 years since I was born). That being said, -every- single one of my cousins is in what -I- would consider to be a "domestic discipline" kind of household. It has nothing to do with whether they're kinky -- in a Sicilian (or Greek/Sicilian) household, the man runs the house... Period. I have associates who are Jehovah's Witnesses. It's the same thing in their households. They're not kinky -- by a LONG shot -- but the women yield to the men. (I'm betting that just about everyone can figure out now why I didn't do as my daddy wanted and marry a nice Sicilian or Greek boy... and why I never ended up being baptised as a JW [;)]) There are plenty of opportunities and cultures to choose from if a woman is submissive and has no problem submitting to her husband. It doesn't require any great immersion into BDSM. If you want kinky sex, there are even some rather conservative groups who are perfectly fine with it, as long as -hubby- is the one to both want it and initiate it. To be submissive doesn't require being involved in BDSM. In fact, you have a whole -world- of people to choose from. (It's a little harder when you're like me -- a bossy, demanding, and picky b*tch [:D]). Calla Firestorm

bound4more -> RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? (10/14/2008 9:27:48 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: bound21 i call myself a sexual submissive (not sure if that is the accepted term) which pretty much sums up where my submissive tendencies lie. so i am not looking for a 24/7 TPE but a relationship that has a core around D/s but many vanilla aspects. after searching on collarme for some time now, i am starting to doubt whether i will find a Dom on this site who also meets my vanilla needs.so i thought to myself, "self, maybe you are going about this the wrong way..if looking for the sexual aspect you want and hoping it co-incides with the right personality isnt working, maybe you should look for the right personality and see if hte sexual aspect co-incides". my question is this - do you think it would be easier/more likely to be successful for me to keep looking for a man who identifies as Dom and try to see if we match in vanilla aspects OR is it possible to try and find someone who matches my vanilla needs and then see if he has any latent Dom tendencies that could be encouraged? does either way have a more likely potential of success or failure? or should i just say what the hey, and try everything? (which by the way sounds like a more adventurous type of approach :) There are NO, may I repeat, NO experts on how or what anyone should feel, think, do, state or anything else - here or anywhere. I find my irritation button triggered when I read responses that imply some superior attitude or "I KNOW and you don't". NO ONE KNOWS. It's all experiential. I've found that a relationship, just like the rest of life is an adventure. I've never been given any guarantees about anything, whether it's meeting a new man, starting a new business or anything else. All I know is that my Dom and I bring out desires and needs in one another that may or may not happen with a different combination of personalities. I can only share with you what my own experience has been. If you find it helpful, wonderful. I met my Dom on a vanilla sight. In my profile I included, along with many many other interests and desires, that I am submissive and would like to be involved with a more Dominant male. I did not meet the Dom of my vision. But I did meet the Man of my dreams. I do think it's a good thing to at least understand, to some degree, what one's desires and interests are and seek another of like mind. S&m, D/s are part of what I enjoy and find fulfilling. So, I stated that in my profile. When my Dom and I first met, he had had no experience with any of this. He didn't really understand why I like it. - hee hee. But we talked. I shared with him why I liked it, how I felt it benefited a relationship, we experimented together and he discovered his own interest in it. We've been together 3 years now, have been living together for nearly 2. We have an unlabelable relationship, as we are just us. I wish you much good fortune in your journey and would be happy to talk with you off the boards if that interests you.

sublizzie -> RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? (10/14/2008 10:38:29 AM)
I met Santa through my best friend who met him on a vanilla dating site. She thought we had a lot in common. Turns out we do! On our first date (we started out by emailing back and forth for a couple of weeks) I told him I was submissive. He nodded as though he understood. As I've explained myself to him he's come to realize he had no clue at the time, though his wife was probably a submissive too they just didn't have the words for it. All relationships involve both people working together to make something that fits comfortably for both. I love cooking and tasting all kinds of things. He's a very picky eater. We're learning to accommodate each others tastes. But we both love kids movies so it balances out. It's all about how much work you're willing to do to make a relationship work. Luckily for me, he's willing to do as much work on our relationship as I am. It's a nice fit.

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