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Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? - 10/12/2008 10:49:28 PM

bound21

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Joined: 2/9/2008
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i call myself a sexual submissive (not sure if that is the accepted term) which pretty much sums up where my submissive tendencies lie. so i am not looking for a 24/7 TPE but a relationship that has a core around D/s but many vanilla aspects.

after searching on collarme for some time now, i am starting to doubt whether i will find a Dom on this site who also meets my vanilla needs.so i thought to myself, "self, maybe you are going about this the wrong way..if looking for the sexual aspect you want and hoping it co-incides with the right personality isnt working, maybe you should look for the right personality and see if hte sexual aspect co-incides".

my question is this - do you think it would be easier/more likely to be successful for me to keep looking for a man who identifies as Dom and try to see if we match in vanilla aspects OR is it possible to try and find someone who matches my vanilla needs and then see if he has any latent Dom tendencies that could be encouraged? does either way have a more likely potential of success or failure? or should i just say what the hey, and try everything? (which by the way sounds like a more adventurous type of approach :)

Post #: 1

RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? - 10/12/2008 11:20:56 PM

moonvine

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I would try everything - what's the worst thing that could happen?:)

I doubt any studies have been done on this and I am sure people have had success both ways.

I will say that when a guy has not really wanted to top me because *he* wanted to, but because *I* wanted him to, I could "feel" the difference and it didn't turn out well. Not sure if that is a universal experience, or for that matter if anything is universal.

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(in reply to bound21)

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RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? - 10/12/2008 11:37:33 PM

bound21

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Joined: 2/9/2008
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thanks. i have been focussing on Doms for that reason - i'm not sure if trying to 'push'someone into being Dom is likely to work but was interested to see if anybody had been successul like that. but then i seem to be too vanilla for many Doms on here.
i know, whining is not likely to do me any good either but seems i'm not sub enough for most Doms, but i think too much sub for most vanilla.

oh well, i'll just keep looking :)

but also was just curious about peoples viewpoints about the mix of Dom and vanilla attributes and what takes precedence.

(in reply to moonvine)

Post #: 3

RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? - 10/13/2008 12:16:02 AM

MidMichCowboy

Posts: 665
Joined: 3/23/2007
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You have now hit upon the crux of the problem. How to get a balanced relationship that satisfies all of life's wants and needs.

I have a lot of interests. I am not interested in a woman just for the "lifestyle". I want so much more.

A partner to walk with, someone to discuss life's problems, someone to share ALL of life's pleasures and joy.

Someone to share ideas about family and friends. Sharing a love of music and the joy in saddling up the horses and going on a ride through the woods.

A good wine tasting party, a night at the symphony, or a night listening to some blues at a biker bar.

Working together in a garden or sharing a good poem.

That, plus all the interests in sex, bondage and more.

If anyone has the magic recipe to find a partner who can fill all these roles, please share it.

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(in reply to bound21)

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RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? - 10/13/2008 1:46:09 AM

cravesdom

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I have to admit that I was having the same problem Bound. Whenever I found someone who was a match on the BDSM side, they were not even a close match on the other important things in my life, like family, values and hobbies. I wish I could say there was a magic formula, but the best advice I can give is just to keep looking and don't limit yourself. Sometimes the one you are seeking comes along when you least expect him.

I met my love here on the message boards. And big surprise, he isn't a Dom. Don't worry, we've worked all that out, and come to find out he is a much better match for me than I ever thought I would find. He doesn't identify himself as a Dom, but when we are together, he can be very dominant. So you never know, that "vanilla" man you meet may just have enough of a dominant side to him that it works out for you. I wish you the best of luck.

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(in reply to MidMichCowboy)

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RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? - 10/13/2008 2:00:29 AM

bound21

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Joined: 2/9/2008
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ty cravesdom!!
i was hoping there might be people who could give examples of how things worked for them...if nothing else it gives me hope to keep looking :)

all the best

(in reply to cravesdom)

Post #: 6

RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? - 10/13/2008 2:17:54 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
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Don't search for either.
Look past the whole vanilla and dominant crap and look for a person first. Otherwise you are going to be in for some huge let downs as your unrealistic expectations kick in.

the.dark.

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(in reply to bound21)

Post #: 7

RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? - 10/13/2008 2:30:05 AM

bound21

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Joined: 2/9/2008
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sorry Darcyandthedark - but isnt a persons sexuality part of who they are? how do i 'look for a person first' if how we relate sexually is off limits?? its hardly the only thing i look for - hence my comments about being compatible in the vanilla sense as well - but i would like to have a compatible sexual partner.

and how did you manage to determine that my expectations were únrealistic'from a couple of sentences?

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 8

RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? - 10/13/2008 2:40:47 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
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And as I said, get off the whole vanilla Vs Non vanilla. That is a misnomer. A myth. Everyone has some sort of kink and sexual deviance. It's not about vanilla or not, it's about the level they are on - which is the same way you weed out anyone in a relationship not just a BDSM one. So you look at the person as a whole - not whether they identify themselves as a dominant or not.

Stop searching. Let it simply come to you.

And I never suggested you were placing unrealistic expectations on a person - I said if you don't see the person above whether they or socalled vanilla or dominant, then you will start to have expectations and place it on them. Although your last post(above) now indicates you are already placing expectations on relationships and people already.

the.dark.

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RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to bound21)

Post #: 9

RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? - 10/13/2008 4:06:13 AM

bound21

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Joined: 2/9/2008
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ok. i appreciate your comments and think i understand what you are trying to tell me.

however, just so you know, i was using vanilla and non-vanilla simply to define the sexual and non-sexual aspects of the relationship, not the person specifically.

also i wasnt placing unrealistic expectations on anyway - it was you that said i would be let down when my unrealist expectations kicked in. i was just wondering how you figured i had unrealistic expectations from a couple of lines. obviously you are wise enough to judge a person from a few lines. i am not, so i will just accept your comments at face value.

thank you

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 10

RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? - 10/13/2008 4:27:50 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
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quote:

ORIGINAL: bound21

ok. i appreciate your comments and think i understand what you are trying to tell me.

however, just so you know, i was using vanilla and non-vanilla simply to define the sexual and non-sexual aspects of the relationship, not the person specifically.

also i wasnt placing unrealistic expectations on anyway - it was you that said i would be let down when my unrealist expectations kicked in. i was just wondering how you figured i had unrealistic expectations from a couple of lines. obviously you are wise enough to judge a person from a few lines. i am not, so i will just accept your comments at face value.

thank you

I am assuming you are new to the forums and I do welcome you warmly. However I do not appriciate off the cuff remarks attempting to be nasty (about wisdom) which fail. Hunni, there are way more people here that do being nasty for a living. It was underhanded. Say what you mean with me, or don't bother at all.

If you are going to post on a forum, get used to the realisation that people are going to judge you and that it isn't necessarily a bad thing. That said, I haven't judged you. I said that if you go on to place unrealistic expectations on a relationship because you are looking for one side or the other on a person, rather than the person as a whole, that you will set yourself up for heartache/let downs. It was a helpful warning, not a judgement.

And also, you may want to check the definitions of vanilla - as it definately is not about sexual and non sexual aspects. It will confuse the answers you will get.

the.dark.

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RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to bound21)

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RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? - 10/13/2008 4:45:00 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
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All I can do is agree with what .dark said....

Look for people first. Vanilla, kinky, Dominant, Submissive...those are nothing more than words a single person uses in regards to THEMSELVES; they mean absolutly nothing in the big scheme of things.

It's all about compatibility; sexually and otherwise. Use the same 'filters' here that you would if you were to meet someone off the street.

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If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 12

RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? - 10/13/2008 5:27:48 AM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

I agree with what thedark posted - everything. I can even add to this from my own experience. I get to know the person first and foremost. It doesn't always end up in a relationship but I build solid friendships. It can take me anything up to a year to reach any sort of dynamic.

Also if the sexuality is so important, why do women who declare themselves to be heterosexual find me as attractive as lesbian and bisexual women?

What is written on a profile, and even in their postings is just a guide. Most important is what comes out of someone's mouth.

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(in reply to IrishMist)

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RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? - 10/13/2008 5:29:50 AM

MistressEllieS

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Joined: 2/20/2008
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The Dark has it spot on (as usual), IrishMist (and MidMichCowboy) too. In life we are all people first. The lifestyle doesn't make this any different. I am more concerned with finding a partner in life period, to SHARE life. To walk hand in hand, to hold and assure each other and share ALL of life with (plus the kinks--oh my). I may be listed as Dom, but if a Dom partner came into my life with the qualities to build a future with, I would not hesitate to take the time to know this person, no matter the title. I am certain the roles would fall right into play, naturally.
As for the term dom w/vanilla tendancies... We all live a "vanilla" life, it is societies necessity, but--we are all people in life and trust me--most with kinks.

< Message edited by MistressEllieS -- 10/13/2008 5:41:31 AM >

(in reply to IrishMist)

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RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? - 10/13/2008 5:36:32 AM

oceanwynds

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Joined: 8/24/2006
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Dark gave you excellent advice imho.
i do have a relationship that is a mixture of many things.. i never expected to be in another relationship so was not looking. After meeting Sir and spending a lot of time getting to know him, we created a relationship that works for us. Our relationship is a living breathing thing and not to be define by other's views and opinions. i am rather selective about who i let into my life. My world consists of many things and a part of it is BDSM. . It serves me well, because it is who i am. Who i am seems to serve Sir well as well. nds

blessings
oceanwy

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 15

RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? - 10/13/2008 6:10:46 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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For me, anyway, I'm going to hope that I won't ever be looking for anyone again. But should plan (a) not work out, then plan (b) is to go find myself some nice level headed vanilla woman and teach her how and why submission is good.

For you though bound21, the question is what exactly do you mean when you say Dom and are you knowledgeable enough to teach someone? I should think if we're talking a spanking here, no worries. But if you want someone to put 1000 needles into you, you're probably going to need a seasoned top.

the real truth is why not search everywhere? here and in the vanilla world. Then make your best guesses based upon what you happen to find?

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to bound21)

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RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? - 10/13/2008 6:15:53 AM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
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Try everything as other's have said. Look for the Dom that matches you the relationship that matches you and most importantly the person that matches you.

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RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? - 10/13/2008 6:20:02 AM

leadership527

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Joined: 6/2/2008
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quote:

Original DnD
And also, you may want to check the definitions of vanilla - as it definately is not about sexual and non sexual aspect.

Check the definition of "vanilla"? Is this, by any chance, the only word in the entire BDSM lexicon that actually has a defintion? Failing that, it just so turns out that my definition of vanilla pretty much does revolve around sexual activities. Now I'm dying to find out what you mean by "vanilla".

*edit* wow, pwnd by the wyswig editor. I can't get the formatting correct on this one :(

< Message edited by leadership527 -- 10/13/2008 6:26:17 AM >

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 18

RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? - 10/13/2008 6:24:13 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
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Yeah, poor wording on my part.
But vanilla isn't generally held as being about sexual acts. If it was, half the lexicon of BDSM acts can be chucked out the window. Vanilla (generally)is just a word people use to distinguish between non BDSM people - usually in a derogatory way. Otherwise, what you you call service submissives? Vanilla?

the.dark.

< Message edited by Darcyandthedark -- 10/13/2008 6:25:10 AM >

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RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: Dom with vanilla tendencies, or vice versa? - 10/13/2008 6:30:59 AM

leadership527

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Yup, I'm with you on that one... vanilla means, for lack of anything else, "not BDSM". But I've pretty much come down to BDSM=SM=sex (generally) so it all works out for me anyway. For the OP who is a bedroom sub, what else could it mean but "sex" of some sort.

And not to hijack this thread entirely, yes, I would call "service subs" vanilla... not to their face since it'd likely make them nuts, but yes. I call myself and my wife vanilla also for exactly the same reasons. While certainly sexual commands are common among the commands I give her, without the whips and chains and leather, it just doesn't relate well to the larger BDSM audience.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 20

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