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YourhandMyAss -> RE: Game Playing, Lies, Truth, D/s and lessons learned. (10/19/2008 2:53:30 PM)
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Only the person who is playing the game can answer that, and I doubt they're on here talking about why they're liars and game players, and what they get out of it. So we'll as likely never know the why of it all.
quote:
ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile2
It's late at night and I can't sleep. I have had a lot of things running through my mind the last few days. I've been doing some personal writing in the process. Now, I realize this thread covers the age old endless postings about Game Players, Liars, and those people that are less then honest.
Let's face it, many of us have been burned by people that were less then honest in the past. Be it the recent past or the far distant past. I myself have been burned a couple of times by girls from this website, who were not who or what they were making themselves out to be.
One of the biggest questions many of us are left with, is why? Why would somebody be so less then honest? What could be the possible motivations behind such behavior. Truth and lies. Game playing and lessons learned and how does this fit into D/s or BDSM relationships.
Personally, after having been burned a few times. I myself have questioned my own judgement abilities. At times our own abilities fail us, sure it's pretty easy to spot the obvious Game Players, Liars and fakes and wankers. But there's always that one or two the slip right under our own radar. Even the Game Players and people that are dishonest are incapable of being totally dishonest. It's the good qualities of these people that we fall in love with and adore. In fact, we trust and believe them because they are not feeding pure 100% bullshit.
Now, I wish to share something with other people something a little Ugly from my own past. I'm going to jump up on the soap box and point the finger at myself for a moment. So often it's easy for us to point fingers at everybodys short coming and failures in life without taking the time to acknowledge and admit to our own fucked behaviors and actions in life.
An Ugly Slice of my past (being a lieing Bastard).
I want to share with you something from my own past. It's UGLY, it's True and something I'm not Proud about. Goes back to
when I was under age, and was not legal to drink in the bars. Please understand, that it's not in my nature to cause anybody any real harm or pain.
I managed to get into an extremely popular club that was a challenge to get into, in fact it involved a little Social Engineering with the Bouncer/Door Guy ahead of time and fake ID. I used a fake name and identity. I used to use my middle name and go by "Rick" to pull this off. Trust me when I got phone calls to the house asking for Rick, my grandmother would not think twice about me using my middle name.
Anyhoo, I was having the time of my life. Being underage and in a really Awesome hard to get into club. It was all sort of thrilling for me. Dancing, Drinking and having a really really great time. The last thing on my mind was to met
somebody and for it become serious. However that's what happened. I met a girl, she was truely an amazing girl.
Right from the start, I had introduced myself as Rick (my middle name) and another last name (not my real last name). That I was 22 years old and not 17 and still in high school. I had lie covering the type of work I did for living as well.
I was in the bar feeding everybody the same bogus story and line of shit about who and what I was. I was there to have a good time. Trust me, I was flirting with women and having a blast. The last thing on my mind was causing anybody any harm, pain or hurt.
When I first met this girl, let's call her "Pam" for the hell of it (use of names can become questionable with the TOS). I did not really think much about it. She was just some girl I was flirting around and dancing with. Yes, I was using her for my own good time.
However, we ended up hanging out together most of the night. Laughing and having an awesome time. In fact, the chemistry was so amazing that something I had not been counting on happened. Towards the end of the night. Looking into each others eyes, expressing how much we both enjoyed the time together. Our lips drawing closer and closer, just like a scene in a hollywood movie. That moment was sort of like an ultimate high, the connection, the kiss, the whole moment in itself.
She asked me if I would be up for doing this again, and going out on a date. I just had the most amazing moment with somebody and I was totally up for it. We exchanged phone numbers. Deep down inside, there was a pit in my stomach over my deception and lie. However, I managed to convince myself that my lies were justified because that was the only way I could get into this one club.
For the next 4-5 monthes, her and I dated steady. I was maintaining the whole facade I had going on. As time passed it was
tearing at my soul about how to come clean with her. I felt trapped, and overwhelmed. I started to pull away from her. I literally started avoiding not returning her phone calls, I started making excuses for not letting her come visit me at my house. She was wanting to met my Grandmother, was interested in seeing where I lived. Intested in seeing my cat and my dog. OH SHIT... I went on extreme avoidence mode.
Then the late night phone call happened, she was in tears, torn up, upset, lost and confused. She was wondering what she did wrong. I tried to explain to her, that she had done nothing wrong. That she was an amazing girl. I said, the problem was me. She was trying to pry for more answers.
The moment of truth had arrived.
She was tore up feeling like shit about herself, that she had not been doing something right or that she was not good enough for me. I was torn up inside and feeling like shit for being the lieing piece of shit that I was and had been. I was torn up about her being torn up. I told her that I wanted to see her the next night, and that we would talk more then.
I saw her the next night. she had tried to make everything so perfect for me and us that night. Candle light dinner, romantic music, all kinds of special touches. (I'm in tears right now just remembering this night).
I remember begging to God to stike my soul down with lightening after walking out the door. I remember the look upon her face, when I came clean about my Lies. To literally see the deep expression of pain flooding her as the truth ripped out her heart.
Deep down inside, I had somehow convinced myself that she might be able to forgive and understand my deception and lies. That she would understand how trapped and aweful feeling that my own lies made me. I explained about how my lies all got started. Literally though, I was speaking volumes about my character to her as the truth parted from my own lips.
The people that owned the club were good friends with her family, and she did not let me off the hook so easy. You see, I was not thinking about the fact that I was putting somebodys business at Risk. I was thinking about myself and my own good time, I was too caught in seeking out my own thrill and adventure. To be doing something that I should not being doing.
The biggest favor Pam did for me that night, was not let me off the hook with my own bullshit excuses for my actions and behaviors. I can not express the levels of shame, humilation and guilt I felt that night. Along with seeing the hurt I caused an amazing women. All for what? My own good time? My own thrill ride... that's how this all got started to begin with.
I had backed myself into a corner. Where I resorted to using lies to cover up other lies. I was trying to hold onto things between her and I for as long as I could. Yes, I was being selfish and self centered and deceptive.
Lessons learned
I think it's prettty obvious that I learned some lessons from this experience. Trust me, this was not the only experience. I actually had broken a few hearts before this moment. This experience was different in the fact, that I actually had an emotional attachment and deep connection with real chemistry with somebody. Somebody that I actually found myself caring about, and knew I had to do the right thing in coming clean with the truth. Mind you, I had attempted to use a lot of crazy self justications for my own actions. But that all a lot of bullshit.
I do have a limited degree of Empathy for liars and so called game players. Why? Because I've been one myself in some manner, why and shape and form. If anything, when I encounter somebody who's into playing these Bullshit games, I try my hardest to get them open up and face me with the truth. I try my hardest to simply not write them off in 2.5 seconds flat. I try to do for them what PAM did for me so many years ago.
It's with the hope that they might live and learn from it. Plus, who knows, it may or may not be something I can understand and forgive. It gives them one last honest shot with me. Something that I did not get with Pam. However, it would have meant the world to me. My heart honestly did break badly over things.
Every time I hear this song it has a special meaning to me.....
"No one knows what its like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
No one knows what its like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies
But my dreams
They arent as empty
As my conscience seems to be....."
How this applies to D/s BDSM perspective
I try to get to the root of bad behavior such as this, in a partner, a prospective partner or even a total stranger when I see it for what it really is. Sure, turning your back and writting somebody off is really easy to do. It really does not teach nor show the person anything about themselves.
It's a real challenge when it personally involves yourself to deal with it. To emotionally keep the hurt from turning to anger and simply wanting to mindlessly lash out. (Dare I admit it, I have even mindlessly lashed out verbally before).
For me many aspects about BDSM or D/s are part of living life. A lifestyle to live and way to conduct yourself regardless if you are in or out of relationship at the time. I'm still not a perfect person. I still have flaws and faults and weakness. I have grown since I was that 17 year old guy with a fake identity. But that 17 years old guy is me, and a part of who and what I am as a whole person.
Often when people talk or think of themselves in the past context, it's as if they were another person.
While I have expressed my degree of Empathy of sorts for Liar, Game players... It's also something that I really don't have much tolerence for. I don't tolerate nor accept this behavior in myself.
Final thoughts
I wanted to post something from a slightly different perspective, share with other people a slice of life.
Who knows, perhaps somebody who has become trapped by their own lies will read this and it will give them some food for thoughts. Perhaps, somebody will read this and be able to relate 100% to this experience. Perhaps, this posting might even provide a little insight and understanding to somebody.
For me this is a painful writing excerise. It's something I've opted to force myself to share with the world. There are a number of good reasons why I'm posting this.
Now, this thread is OPEN for others to share thier experiences. From any side of the coin. I know that I'm not the only one who had been burned by lies or that has done the burning in telling lies and being deceptive.
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