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Comments or Suggestions - 10/16/2008 9:56:37 AM   
LadyAngelique01


Posts: 18
Joined: 9/13/2007
From: Wisconsin
Status: offline 		I've run into a couple of odd things and would like some input. (Warning slightly long story)

My sub has also been my sig. other for 10 months. In September we were looking for an apartment together. I took a small temporary place until we found something. Last month my sub went to Kinky Kollege without me (I had just gotten a promotion at work and couldn't get away). He came back on a Monday and we played that night. Nothing unusual happened, we upped the intensity (not only as planned, but he had been complaining that I wasn't pushing his limits any more). Play stopped he got unusually scared. Then he suddenly announced new limits- hard body play, age play, and "weirding out on him" (which when prodded meant no more sadistic play.

I was very shocked, but figured he had played to much while away and needed  break. The next night he allowed anthor dom to demonstrate hard body play on him. When talked a couple of days later and he didn't remember making that a limit and said he was proably just tired. Everything seemed fine, he wanted to drop everything he had said except the age play limit (I don't do age play, so I didn't really care about that one).

The next week we scened again. This time right after the scene (and sex), he wanted to break up (the collar and boyfriend/girfriend relationship). This time I didn't even have a clue what was going on. The scene and sex had been great. To say I dropped both times would be an understatement. (Nothing like flying in headspace and being roughly slapped back down).

We talked again the next day, he wanted a break from the collar and we aren't moving in together. But he still refers to me as his girlfriend and recently listed me as his dom on another site.

So my two problems- I can't figure out what to do with him. And now I can't seem to dom anyone. I have a female sub that I play with, but that spark of "oooo. playtime" is missing. Running a scene feels like work, and the desire to take control seems to be gone.

Anyone have any advice?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Comments or Suggestions - 10/16/2008 10:08:37 AM   
darchChylde


Posts: 5279
Joined: 9/28/2006
From: Warm Springs, GA but i live in San Francisco.
Status: offline 		Run away, this person is either playing aa game with you or has severe mental/emotional issue.  If it is the latter, I know you'll want to help him; but you're not the one to do it.  You're too close, and I can easily see you being dragged back into a continuous on again/off again relationship.  The temptation to stay friends might be strong, but it will only lead to heartache.  Assuming that he's not just playing games, he won't be able to be a friend (or anything else) until he gets his shit straight.  You've just went through two years of a relationships' ups and downs in a matter of weeks, it's not healthy for you or him; just run away and don't look back until he shows he knows a little bit about what he wants and consistency.

edited to add:  Oh wait, you're the dominant; then turn around and walk away in a strong and dignified manner.


< Message edited by darchChylde -- 10/16/2008 10:11:50 AM >

_____________________________

I'm the man your mother warned you about...
if only to keep me to herself.

I'm a male dominant switch whose experienced as a poly sub to a dominant woman
.
Where the fuck do I post?

Proud Owner and Protector of chyldeschylde.

(in reply to LadyAngelique01)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Comments or Suggestions - 10/16/2008 10:29:04 AM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		 . . . What darchChylde said. 

 
It's a calamity to me that you should feel like that.  Your spirit doesn't need a remedy, it needs an ambulance.  Force be with you.



_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com


(in reply to LadyAngelique01)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Comments or Suggestions - 10/16/2008 10:42:27 AM   
UmbraDomina


Posts: 491
Joined: 7/22/2008
From: SE Michigan
Status: offline 		break it off, grow in yourself, enjoy your promotion, find a new subbie, be glad it was only 10 months.


_____________________________

Alexandra ~

~~ And I will show you something different from either your shadow at morning striding behind you Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you; I will show you fear in a handful of dust..... T.S. Elliot ~~

(in reply to PeonForHer)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Comments or Suggestions - 10/16/2008 11:03:23 AM   
OttersSwim


Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		Yea, it sounds as if your boy is either having some mental issues with memory, emotion, and trust, or he is playing you.  Either way, you can only react to what you see and feel in this situation.

A lot of advice telling you to run away...and often that is the best advice...but a LOT can happen in 10 months and I don't know your connection with him, your life circumstances, and how that will affect you...only you can make that call.

If you think he needs help, then work with him to get him into counseling.  What you are describing can sometimes be an indicator of manic depressive behavior or other brain chemical disorder.  If he refuses, and continues to be erratic, then that is a walk away signal for sure I think.

You have had two sessions where trust has been shaken if not broken between the two of you.  This is serious and it is apparent that you are questioning a lot right now.  My advice is that play needs to stop until you two are on better footing.  He also needs to know how negatively his behavior has affected you and your relationships...

Hope that helps....


_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

(in reply to LadyAngelique01)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Comments or Suggestions - 10/16/2008 11:25:18 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Since the other comments are on the relationship, I'll say something about the missing spark.  The lack of "ooo, it's playtime."

After having someone collared for ten months, there is usually a very good scene intimacy between the two involved.  When that intimacy doesn't exist, playing does tend to feel different for a while.  For some, that bond is very important.  That could be the case here.  Even though you have a girl that you play with, it's probably not on the same level as the person who is playing yo-yo with your D/s.  Topping someone who is wearing your collar can be a lot different on an emotional level than topping someone who isn't your sub.   Think of it on the same wavelength as sex.  For some, sex without an emotional connection isn't nearly as good as sex when there is an emotional connection.  It's kind of like that.

Speaking as someone who has been in something of a similar position, I can say the spark will come back to your playing, even if it's on a different level.  It might take a little while.  It's an adjustment for you.  Don't expect gangbusters the first time or two out.  In addition, this sounds like it was a very recent event.  Give yourself a little time.  The spark will come back when it's right for you.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to UmbraDomina)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Comments or Suggestions - 10/16/2008 12:48:43 PM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		You know he may have encountered people and ideas that distressed him at Kinky Kollege... in a way that is the point of the event, to expand knowledge which can be a difficult experience for some folks. He may not even be conscious this happened.

Or he may done things without your consent and is feeling guilty about it and thus pushing you away hoping he'll get over it and not lose you.

I'd give him all his stuff back and tell him to get a grip on himself and when he does get into contact with you BUT you are not waiting around.

Then go find a few good friends, have a good cry or kill monsters in a game or do whatever works for you as you begin your grieving process. Take whatever time you need to grieve and recover and then try to move on. Since you have another sub, turn to her as part of your grieving but not necessarily to play but as a friend.

The best way I recovered after my heart was stomped was with the help of another bottom/friend who eventually became a slave. He gave me time and encouragement both.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to LadyAngelique01)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Comments or Suggestions - 10/16/2008 12:58:04 PM   
vampchick88


Posts: 346
Joined: 4/10/2007
Status: offline 		 This is a weird situation. Though I think its more of mind game play more than anything. I know its a little tough since you've spent ten months together. There are much more valuable subbies in the sea, and odds are you'll be happier in the future when you know whats going on and don't have to guess it out. I've been in a similair but short fling with a sub similair to this and I just dropped him cold turkey. It was best that way, and later found pet who's made me the happiest I've ever been. Games like that isn't worth the pain, frustration, confusion, and everything else thats muddled together. ~L

_____________________________

Proud owner of rubberpet, the best investment of my time, trust, and heart that any Domme could ever dream of.

(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Comments or Suggestions - 10/16/2008 1:20:30 PM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		Having been through the last 8 - 9 months of I love you, I want to be with you.. go away.. myself.. I wish I had stopped it sooner.

Do it now.  Give him time and space -- let him know he should decide what he wants.. and be prepared for what that might be.

This sounds a bit like what I've been through but the early part of it.  My only advice is, I wish I had put a stop to it sooner, it would have saved me a lot of hurt and heart ache.  It takes a lot to do that, but trust me, if he's going to continue to be inconsistent for a long time, the end result might be the same.

Take care of you, you can't change what he's feeling.



_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to LadyAngelique01)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Comments or Suggestions - 10/16/2008 1:29:48 PM   
Usako


Posts: 697
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline 		I have one question, has he been like this the WHOLE ten months or just after getting back from whatever Kinky Kollege is?

If it's only been within the past two weeks or so, then I say don't give up. If the other 10 months was good and the relationship was worthwhile I suggest working on it. More talking, maybe councling, who knows. I, personally, wouldn't just give up on a good relationship just because two weeks have been rocky.

If he's been like this whole ten months then I do agree to leave and not look back.

(in reply to Madame4a)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Comments or Suggestions - 10/16/2008 2:12:30 PM   
LadyJulieAnn


Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline 		I would also wonder if it's his pattern to go hot and cold on you, or only after the Kinky Kollege experience.  In any case, I would probably have a serious talk with him and not allow him to refer to you as his Domme or girlfriend until you have a handle on things.  It's not fair for him to break a powerful piece of your relationship, but still want to keep you around in some areas of his life.

I wish you both the best of luck.

LadyJulieAnn

(in reply to Usako)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Comments or Suggestions - 10/16/2008 3:04:39 PM   
ExKat


Posts: 300
Joined: 8/25/2008
Status: offline 		      To be honest, this sounds to me like Sub Shame. He's turned on and wants to be beat and hurt and degraded while it's happening, and when it's over, he can't believe he's done that. He is ashamed that he's sub and he tries to subvert these desires. There was a story here a while back about a submissive boy who begged and begged a domina to 'peg' him, and after she did, he turned around and filed rape charges. Your situation sounds similar-he knows and accepts what he wants while he's getting it, and after he's gotten his jollies, he tries to go back to, "Oh, BDSM sex is bad, being submissive is gross and weird".
   Unless you want to be playing this game, "Oh, fuck me, fuck me....OH!....Eww, you're gross for fucking me, stop doing weird shit to me," for ever, I suggest you find a new sub (or give this one time to straighten out his head).

_____________________________

~*~ The amalgam of Exquemelin and Katie978~*~
In the forums, it'll usually be Katie you're speaking to.
testing
"That's the plan/ Rule the world/ You and me/ Anyday ::wink::"

(in reply to LadyJulieAnn)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Comments or Suggestions - 10/16/2008 3:14:36 PM   
tweedydaddy


Posts: 673
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		Have a duvet day, stay in, eat chocolate, drink wine, watch movies, talk to no one, then have an early night after a long, scented bath, when you get up the next day, your inner naughtiness will have rebooted, promise.

(in reply to LadyAngelique01)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Comments or Suggestions - 10/16/2008 4:00:32 PM   
Steponme73


Posts: 552
Joined: 11/9/2007
Status: offline 		I think all have great advice.  Mine is run, run, run.  He sounds like after he went to kinky kollege he came back with a mind overload.  If he has been like this for 10 months you should not be surprised.  If he has only been like this for a short period of time, sounds like the kinky kollege got to him.  There are lots of subs out there that are looking for a good domme.  Enjoy your promotion and move on.

(in reply to tweedydaddy)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Comments or Suggestions - 10/16/2008 4:45:05 PM   
ShaktiSama


Posts: 1674
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline 		Um...yeah.  I have much the same reaction as the other posters here, the only difference being that I am less optimistic about the recovery time or whether it would ever be worthwhile to let this person near you again.  Given how sudden the turn-about with this sub was, and the timing of said turn-about, I would say he is not having problems with his submission in general--he is having problems with his submission to you.  If I was to speculate, I'd say he probably went to Kinky Kollege by himself and found out that he was the belle of the ball; now he's not so eager to be in a committed or exclusive relationship with one domme when he knows he can play the field.  As to why he's still calling you his "girlfriend" and telling people he has a domme?  He's discovered that women will open up to him and trust him far more if he appears to be taken.  A man who has been given the approval and love of one woman is often more attractive to others, and nothing reassures a domme about the worth of a new malesub than finding out that he has successfully attracted and maintained a D/S relationship before.

Personally, I would cut the cord with this guy instantly and as painlessly/completely as possible.  If you have mutual friends in some BDSM scene or another, I would make absolutely sure that everyone knows that you are NOT his girlfriend and you are NOT his domme.  You don't have to go over any details of his last-minute betrayal and generally messed-up behavior, but you can certainly make it clear that you do not trust him.

Once this is done--I would get rid of this guy and never let him near you again.  Screw all this "come back when you get your head on straight" crap--anyone who scenes and has sex with you and then demands a break-up is pretty much a sociopathic monster, from my point of view.  It's really not hard to start the "we need to talk" conversation BEFORE you have a scene and have sex, and you've managed to open her up to the maximum and most extreme level of intimacy.  Scene-ing and sex-ing first is just a deliberate way to maximize the pain of the betrayal and the rejection you feel when any lover says "I don't want you."

All this being said, I base my "Never Again"  recommendation not on any superficial detail of the story or the sequence of events, but on the effect you describe on your own sexual/emotional wellbeing.  The superficial details of this situation could be interpreted a thousand different ways, but what is irrefutable is the destructive effect this person has had on you.  And when a person has a destructive effect on you, you can't allow it to continue--or give them a chance to repeat it.

At the end of the day, it really doesn't matter why someone is bad for you.  People have a million excuses for being emotionally, financially, morally, sexually or personally destructive to others.  Not one of those excuses holds water.  Ultimately, they make a choice to be destructive and they do not make the choices that would prevent it.  Period. 

If a person has the same effect on you as eating plutonium or having both legs broken with a baseball bat, then you have to end the relationship and cut off contact.  You should never, ever be sorry that you broke it off with a radioactive person like this guy--someday you'll thank him for breaking it off and wish you had done it yourself after his first freak-out.

Don't be surprised if healing up and feeling "ok" again takes longer than a single day in bed, either.  It took ten months to develop the D/S relationship and the love relationship with this person.  Having that suddenly detonate into crippling betrayal is not an experience that's going to necessarily stop bothering you overnight--especially since this Oh-So-Wunnerful Guy has managed to create a strong connection between your sexual dominance and being emotionally hurt and betrayed in your subconscious mind.

It'll all come back, definitely.  You will feel right again.  But make sure that the bad feelings you have, the sense of being cut off at the knees and unable to feel, focuses where it belongs:  straight on Mr. Wunnerful.  Not on all subs, or on BDSM in general.

_____________________________

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

(in reply to Steponme73)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Comments or Suggestions - 10/16/2008 5:16:43 PM   
darchChylde


Posts: 5279
Joined: 9/28/2006
From: Warm Springs, GA but i live in San Francisco.
Status: offline 		*applauds ShaktiSama*

pssst: don't tell her i agreed with her, could start a dangerous precedent *winks*


_____________________________

I'm the man your mother warned you about...
if only to keep me to herself.

I'm a male dominant switch whose experienced as a poly sub to a dominant woman
.
Where the fuck do I post?

Proud Owner and Protector of chyldeschylde.

(in reply to ShaktiSama)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Comments or Suggestions - 10/16/2008 5:38:39 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		 . . . That story just reads so much like one of a man not telling you something.  Something crucial.

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com


(in reply to LadyAngelique01)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Comments or Suggestions - 10/17/2008 1:38:57 AM   
LadyAngelique01


Posts: 18
Joined: 9/13/2007
From: Wisconsin
Status: offline 		Thank you all for the input. Breaking off all contact is not practical, we tend to end up at the same places (same munch, same friends, same BDSM tastes). I did make it clear right after he wanted out of the collar that his status would be the same as any other free sub (get in line, take a number). The munch group is small enough that word spread very fast that we were no longer a couple. I had so many subs hanging around tonight, he had to sit alone at another table. (Also discovered by chance that Lady Pact was exactly right, I was doing some light play before the night was over. It felt different, but good.)

The night he broke up a Dom friend took me out drinking. We got hammered (my female sub picked me up and took me home.) That and a few rounds of video game violence got a lot of the inital pain out of the way. I know its going to take some time for things to get back to normal for me, but I also know better than to try to fix him (learned that from a bad mariage that lasted way too long).

We did have a good relationship before, and if he gets his head on straight, we may again. In the mean time, I'm not waiting around for him to make up his mind.

(in reply to PeonForHer)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Comments or Suggestions - 10/17/2008 7:18:54 PM   
Steponme73


Posts: 552
Joined: 11/9/2007
Status: offline 		You may not be able to break off all contact, but you sure as hell can limit your association with him.  I agree completely with ShaktiSama, she gave you some really good advise.

(in reply to LadyAngelique01)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Comments or Suggestions - 10/18/2008 4:33:11 PM   
SnowRanger


Posts: 503
Joined: 5/25/2008
From: Sinsinnati
Status: offline 		Yeah!  What she said!

Hello Ms Angelique,

Just remember that there are tons of guys who are thinking what I'm going to "say" out loud:

Thank God(dess)!  She's free!  There's hope for me.

I say, give this relationship one more really good try.  That way, if you decide to break up,  you'll be certain it is the right move.  Speaking for myself, I'd hate to think that I gave up a good thing becase I was to... what... lazy?.. indiferent?.. angry?.. to try.  Of course don't let him off the hook.  It takes effort on his part too. 

If you decide to end things, remember what I "said" above and take heart.   I only wish I'd had the guts to say it when it counted a few years ago.

Hopefully,
Mike
SnowRanger


_____________________________

You can't help where you were born; and, you may not have much to say about where you die; but, you can and you should try to pass the days in between as a good man.
Anton Myrer Once an Eagle

(in reply to ShaktiSama)
Profile   Post #: 20
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