AAkasha
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Joined: 11/27/2004
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ShaktiSama
quote:
ORIGINAL: thetammyjo
I didn't see the OP as talking about emotional needs though... only play or SM or BDSM or scene desires or needs really. The idea that you'd top someone when you didn't feel like to satisfy them.
I know, I know, I'm being very picky here about dividing up things into SM and Ds, topping vs domming, but that's how I read the OP.
Yes, but the OP is written by a person with a lifestyle and viewpoint that doen't necessarily apply to all of us. Akasha doesn't do the maintenance topping because she also doesn't do other forms of maintenance. The daily lives and emotional wellbeing and needs of her bottoms are not her concern. She doesn't live with them, she's never going to live with them, her sexual pleasure in them is a completely dispensable luxury, and no single one of them really "matters". They are party favors. She can take or leave them. If one of them blows the popsicle stand, there's always another.
I do not have this relationship with my submissive--or with any man in my life.
When your dominance is completely tangental to a sub or bottom, not central, and their submission is completely disposable in your life--then of course you should only meet and play when "the mood" strikes. "The mood" is the only basis for the D/S, top/bottom relationship at all.
Sorry, but not all of us have this nice neat D/S, top/bottom split in our lives. Akasha's daily physical and emotional needs are tended to by her husband. By her own accounts, he isn't a masochist per se and has no needs as a bottom--in fact, he's the one who struggles to meet HER needs as a top, when he does bottom to her.
If her husband had masochistic and submissive needs, and those needs were more frequent than her own urges--I'll bet she would top him for maintenance occasionally. She'd be crazy not to--he's the one who matters to her.
Fortunately for me, yes, my husband is wired more vanilla than masochist, and his kinky drive is nothing compared to mine - yet, he has a very deep desire to serve/sacrifice for my pleasure, so that rubs me in all the right ways. He might miss the *attention*, especially if I am topping other men (he gets jealous, but we're working through that), but he doesn't wake up with masochistic hungers, and he finds great fulfillment in keeping me happy in all ways, not just sexually/BDSM-ily. He gets an admitted rush from the adrenalin and the closeness that comes from intense and unpredictable power exchange, but he does not have any interest in submitting to other women or viewing any kinky porn on the topic - so yeah, it's not really in his wiring. Devotion is. And being the courageous object of cruel and intense lust - he doesn't mind that one bit. He likes the attention, and he likes being the oject of desire capable of pleasing me that way.
But, I started this thread really reflecting on several of my past relationships, not as top/bottom but as girlfriend/boyfriend, and yeah, some worked fine, and others felt smothering when a bottom wanted way more attention than I felt like giving, and I can't manfacture that kind of lust authentically. But most of all, as I admitted earlier in this thread, a lot could have been maturity issues; we're talking guys in their early 20s. And a less mature me, in my late 20s.
However, still, as selfish as it sounds, I can't see myself ever faking topping if I am not in the mood with a partner. But the kind of subs that I tend to click with don't like that either - so it comes down to good communication. I've had so many years to analyze how my desires fluctuate - from running on an "idle" type speed which is all the time to the 'rev up' points where it's ravenous and exciting. I like it when it's raw and real. Some subs want more constant attention. That's simply bad chemistry. Still, if a bottom/submissive can recognize that good things come to those that wait, it's always been better for both, in my experience. I can't help the way my desires are wired. I don't dominate for "fun." I do it from a more animal place. I prefer to let that hunger tell me when and where, rather than just try to put on a face and go through the motions.
Akasha
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