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RE: How to choose the right Master... - 10/20/2008 9:05:17 PM

tazzygirl

Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline

wow, at your age, i would so be playing the field... not in a player way, but, talking to many, many men, finding common interests, discussing honestly what you want and need from a Dom, then going from there, working through and weeding out anyone who doesnt quite fit.

i read yuor profile. limits are flexible? maybe some introspection is in order to help you out. make a list of what you want, what you feel you need, what you may bend on, and what you simply cannot find anyway to give on, then begin your search.

as someone else pointed out, dont jump on the first. you will find so many. enjoy the search. i almost envy you!

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to yourMissTress)

Post #: 21

RE: How to choose the right Master... - 10/20/2008 9:29:18 PM

sravaka

Posts: 314
Joined: 6/20/2008
Status: offline

I'm going to sound a bit ridiculous here, but I'm going to say it anyway:

Forget about "choosing a Master" for a bit, and spend some time reading, reading, reading... and talking to people disinterestedly. (if in the course of that you stumble across a compatible Master, you win, but don't make that your goal.)

The fact that you start your post off not yet perfectly certain that you have the "right" to make your own choice, alongside the fact that you are looking for something very serious from the get-go suggests to me that you have a better than average chance of running into trouble early on, and that's no fun. The more information you have about how this odd little culture divides itself up into neighborhoods and ghettos and whatnot, the better equipped you will be to weed out fakers and idiots and people who are just plain unsuitable. Read these fora with an open mind; look for information on the internet. Take everything you read or hear with a grain of salt.... and then, armed with information and whatever conclusions you are able to glean, act. Give it a month or six before you rush into "choosing" or anything else.

My random 2 cents.

< Message edited by sravaka -- 10/20/2008 9:48:45 PM >

_____________________________

Miseries hold me fixed, and I would gladly cut these roots to become a floating plant. I would yield myself up utterly, if the inviting stream could be relied upon. --Ono no Komachi

(in reply to tazzygirl)

Post #: 22

RE: How to choose the right Master... - 10/20/2008 10:57:02 PM

whiskeyxladyx

Posts: 9
Joined: 10/19/2008
From: Cleveland
Status: offline

Thank you very much!

(in reply to sravaka)

Post #: 23

RE: How to choose the right Master... - 10/20/2008 11:43:13 PM

OneMoreWaste

Posts: 910
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

"Eeny meeny miney mo...."

Damnit! Barely even five minutes after the OP... freakin' time zones.

Fine.

Female sub, male Dominant, you gotta pick the one with the biggest unit
(by volume, since I know some smart-ass is gonna ask "length or width?"... brush up on yer Archimedes!)

_____________________________

-and the few still remember passion over rage-

(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 24

RE: How to choose the right Master... - 10/20/2008 11:49:40 PM

shivermetimbers

Posts: 2060
Joined: 6/7/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: whiskeyxladyx

I'm not sure, but being new to this...I'm learning as much as I can, and as far as I know, I still have the power as a Sub to choose who I want to be my Master. I have had many offerings already...I don't know what to do!

Just remember what you wrote in your profile, and the interests you expressed. Don't deviate from what is most important to you and what you seek. I know for a pretty young sub female, you have lots to weed through, but take your time, and look for those who meet what you are looking for, and don't be fooled by what you are looking at.

Good luck to you!!

_____________________________

I love you Deanna, you make every day a better day.

If we descended from monkeys and apes, why are there still monkeys and apes?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZ3CJi0Ih9s&feature=player_embedded

http://www.thebuccozone.com/piratesong.htm

(in reply to whiskeyxladyx)

Post #: 25

RE: How to choose the right Master... - 10/21/2008 1:14:48 AM

Sexycelticlady

Posts: 112
Joined: 7/20/2008
Status: offline

I am also new to this, so I can empathise with how you are feeling, and am being very wary about rushing in. I have kept things casual with most of the people in the lifestyle that I have had the fortune to scene with because I have been dealing with a few of my own issues and know that I haven't been ready for a committment. When the time is right, and I believe that time is approaching, I hope I will find someone compatible. But I am not and have not been jumping in feet first with just anyone. Do take people's advise and take your time. It is difficult, I feel the urgency also, but you have a responsibility to the most important person in your life - yourself. Take care of that person and don't lose sight of you in the rush of emotions and sensations that will enevitably come. Good luck :)

(in reply to shivermetimbers)

Post #: 26

RE: How to choose the right Master... - 10/21/2008 1:38:10 AM

FullfigRIMaam

Posts: 718
Joined: 6/21/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile2
Take your time to get to know somebody before you submit to them. You need to know what and who you are getting involved with and vice versa.

A BDSM or lifestyle relationship is a relationship. The basics of relationships still apply to this world as it does the Vanilla world. This is the reality of it.

You need to find a Master with a similar mindset as you

Ditto... And you also need good instincts, and luck, which I wish you lots of. M

_____________________________

"touching was and still is and will always be the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni
"Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence." Erich Fromm

(in reply to WhiplashSmile2)

Post #: 27

RE: How to choose the right Master... - 10/21/2008 4:59:18 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Actually, while I think there IS a lot of truth in "how would you pick a vanilla boyfriend" I don't think that is the whole truth. We make a sexual fetish out of power and that adds another element. So, especially to someone new, the person who acts the most powerful is often seen as the most talented at being dominant. Problem is, how do you tell if that projection of power is real or is simply bragging (ie, a way of overcoming insecurity)?

As a BROAD (meaning, this isn't always true) but in my experience, those who most want to confine, jail, control, restrict someone new right at the beginning are those who have the least business doing so. Problem is that all that "control" sounds SO damn hot when you are new.

The dominant a new person should look for is the one who isn't uber quick to put a collar on her neck (literally or figuratively) but is instead the one who moves slowly. You need to understand if that slowness is due to caution or shyness, the former is good, the latter less so. You want the one who asks you what you have read, what classes you have been to, whether you have someone people to ask advice of etc. The one who isn't afraid of you hearing how others do things.

I do not chase women but I also don't wait for them to come to me. I talk to them, I let them "see" who I am. I know they won't come to me at first, they need to bounce around the nitwits first, the ones who talk a better game than I do. It is hard to convince someone they guy with the biggest toybag may have it because he has the least creativity, or the one with the "chain of slavegirls" doesn't actually keep them very long or none of them are actually worth owning. The smart ones (see, now I am putting myself on the top of the pile and putting on my shiny plastic badge) come around and start to learn who and what they want and learn to recognize who might actually be able to give them that.

The submissives who I see (on average) who do the best in the scene, experience the least heartbreak, and find the best partners, are the ones who come in, watch more than play, take their time, and then when they find "him" they know enough to recognize a real catch when they find one.

Now of course there are a million exceptions to the above, but as general advice goes, I think the above holds fairly true.

(in reply to FullfigRIMaam)

Post #: 28

RE: How to choose the right Master... - 10/21/2008 6:19:21 AM

Subductrssss

Posts: 97
Joined: 9/28/2008
Status: offline

Well let's look at this in perspective, it's life, it's not easy, it's choices, good choices and bad choices. I can only offer the same advice others have so I will say this; sometimes being a newbie is not the problem, I have been in this lifestyle (on and off) for 11 years and in those years was collared four times, all of which ended because of incompatabilities of which I thought W/we had talked about in the beginning but in the end turned out to be Their words only saying what I needed/wanted to hear and not the truth. I am older, maybe a bit wiser but still someone who searches with her heart and not her mind.
Don't be me (soft smiles)

_____________________________

Subductrssss

The reality of the other person lies not in what he reveals to you but in what he cannot reveal to you. Therefore, if you would understand him, listen not to what he says but rather to what he does not say.
Kahlil Gibran

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 29

RE: How to choose the right Master... - 10/21/2008 8:59:30 AM

whiskeyxladyx

Posts: 9
Joined: 10/19/2008
From: Cleveland
Status: offline

Thank you to everyone, your words were very nice, caring, and helpful!

(in reply to Subductrssss)

Post #: 30

RE: How to choose the right Master... - 10/21/2008 9:08:45 AM

apiercedkitty

Posts: 569
Joined: 2/22/2007
From: Michigan
Status: offline

~FR~

You could always do what i did and just start meeting every guy that called themselves a "Dom" in real-time and decide from there what kind of "vibe" you get from them. Then go from there - jump into play if ya want to get a feel for whether they talk the talk or not. Of course, that isn't the recommended way to go but it worked for me. i didn't meet anyone super spectacular that i wanted to spend the rest of my life with, but i sure had some memorable playdates and ended up with a REALLY awesome fuck-buddy :)

Now that i'm over that initial "hey i'm a freak, are you?!?" stage, it's slowed down and i find myself with a better understanding of what i am looking for.

However you do it, good luck.

_____________________________

normal is a setting on a washing machine...

(in reply to whiskeyxladyx)

Post #: 31

RE: How to choose the right Master... - 10/21/2008 9:10:35 AM

subtee

Posts: 5133
Joined: 7/26/2007
Status: offline

~FR

If they're raw, gently squeeze for ripeness. If they're cooked, throw 'em against the wall and see if they stick.

_____________________________

Don't believe everything you think...

(in reply to apiercedkitty)

Post #: 32

RE: How to choose the right Master... - 10/21/2008 9:16:39 AM

apiercedkitty

Posts: 569
Joined: 2/22/2007
From: Michigan
Status: offline

Hmmm... i'm hoping at least some of them are cooked so i can try the throwing them at the wall thing

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normal is a setting on a washing machine...

(in reply to subtee)

Post #: 33

RE: How to choose the right Master... - 10/21/2008 9:25:35 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

The smart ones (see, now I am putting myself on the top of the pile and putting on my shiny plastic badge) come around and start to learn who and what they want and learn to recognize who might actually be able to give them that.

Actually, I think you were OK with this one Michael.. simply replace "smart ones" with "the ones who are compatible with me" and it's all fixed up :)

To the OP:
I know it's confusing and everyone talks in terms of "power". Really, the "authority transfer" nomenclature will make your life so much simpler. Rather than dealing in some ephemeral notion of "power", you can deal in concretes... "I have or have not transferred authority to a given dominant to make decisions of type x". That authority can be transferred in as small or large pieces as you desire. Go slow is always sage advice, and just as commonly ignored by people who are new and caught up in the rush of it. Try to remember that as a human being, you are and always will be a sovereign individual. It is all, always, your choice.

Insofar as who to choose... *laughs* OK, you and I both know the smart advice is to go slow, select someone that you are deeply compatible with on a variety of levels.. not just kink... etc. etc. We both know that, but we also both know that it isn't going to be fatal if you take a walk on the wild side. So really... do what you wish.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 34

RE: How to choose the right Master... - 10/21/2008 9:27:55 AM

JustDarkness

Posts: 1461
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: whiskeyxladyx

I'm not sure, but being new to this...I'm learning as much as I can, and as far as I know, I still have the power as a Sub to choose who I want to be my Master. I have had many offerings already...I don't know what to do!

mm...to be honest...neither have I

(in reply to whiskeyxladyx)

Post #: 35

RE: How to choose the right Master... - 10/21/2008 10:23:29 AM

OttersSwim

Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline

I guess I am confused and a bit concerned about the word "offerings" in this.

It may just be a misstatement or mistake on my understanding and if so, disregard the following...but...

To my mind, you would want to remove those that are "offering" to be your master so soon - they don't know you, you don't know them - how can any sort of offer be extended? I would look to those who try to get to know you as a person and who want you to know them and make an informed decision on compatibility.

I'm just sayin'...

_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

(in reply to whiskeyxladyx)

Post #: 36

RE: How to choose the right Master... - 10/21/2008 10:45:09 AM

bound4more

Posts: 128
Joined: 10/3/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: whiskeyxladyx

I'm not sure, but being new to this...I'm learning as much as I can, and as far as I know, I still have the power as a Sub to choose who I want to be my Master. I have had many offerings already...I don't know what to do!

You're young, most likely quite impressionable, though you may not think so. I don't know if there's a guaranteed way to choose the "right" Master. I think being very clear about what you want and need is a great start. Submissive does not mean whatever he wants. It's an exchange; please remember that. You are both giving and receiving, just doing it in different ways and from different positions.

You may have to have some "bad" as well as "good" experiences before you feel confident about what it is you're doing, commiting to etc. As others have said, it's wise to move slowly. But, I didn't - and from what I can tell not too many did. So realistically I'd say - be safe.

Whenever you're meeting someone in real life that you don't know, no matter what he tells you or demands of you, get as much information about him as you can - preferably a driver's license no. or something that will legally identify him. If he's not willing to supply something then perhaps there's a reason to question meeting him at all. Next, make sure someone you know and trust has this information about him. Request a picture before meeting and include his pic with the info you supply to your friend. ALWAYS meet in public. NEVER go anywhere in private until you know you're with someone trustworthy.

It's a great idea to have someone call you, while you're with this new person, so that your caller knows you're safe, and your potential partner is aware that you are being tracked. I did this and it was actually quite amusing in some respects. Try to treat yourself at least as well as you do your bank account. Would you hand over pertinent information about your bank account to someone you'd just met?

I know there's alot of excitement and impatience that goes with newness. You probably can't change that. Just stay safe and move on the side of caution rather than carelessness. Wishing you the best.

_____________________________

You can tell who someone really is by how they act

(in reply to whiskeyxladyx)

Post #: 37

RE: How to choose the right Master... - 10/21/2008 11:38:03 AM

whiskeyxladyx

Posts: 9
Joined: 10/19/2008
From: Cleveland
Status: offline

That was very helpful! I will keep that all in mind!

(in reply to bound4more)

Post #: 38

RE: How to choose the right Master... - 10/21/2008 12:30:08 PM

celticlord2112

Posts: 5732
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: whiskeyxladyx

I'm not sure, but being new to this...I'm learning as much as I can, and as far as I know, I still have the power as a Sub to choose who I want to be my Master. I have had many offerings already...I don't know what to do!

Heck, that's easy. I'm the only "twue" Dom here....all the rest are "fake".....

Ok, back to reality....

Don't choose a master, choose a man. Good man + kink == Good Master most of the time.

_____________________________

(in reply to whiskeyxladyx)

Post #: 39

RE: How to choose the right Master... - 10/21/2008 12:33:32 PM

WinsomeDefiance

Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112
Heck, that's easy. I'm the only "twue" Dom here....all the rest are "fake".....

Ok, back to reality....
Don't choose a master, choose a man. Good man + kink == Good Master most of the time.

OHHH so that's why I haven't found the right master! All those out there are fakes. Phew! I was begining to worry that it was ME and my shortcomings.

Ok, back to reality....
Good advise.

WinD

(in reply to celticlord2112)

Post #: 40

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