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Broken Promises- then what? - 12/11/2005 3:02:46 PM

mallagrl

Posts: 14
Joined: 10/21/2005
Status: offline

hi

i know at one point or another we've all faced Doms or loved ones who have lied to us. my question is, as a submissive, what do you do after you find out your Dom/Master/Mistress has lied to you?

What if the Dom/Master/Mistress made a promise to the submissve to be honist? Is the promise automatically null and void because as Dominants, they don't have to be held to what they say?

What does one do? Do they stick around and see if trust can be rebuilt, or do they go?

i'm sorry if this is a radther odd question. i'd appreciate any insight though that anyone has to offer.

Post #: 1

RE: Broken Promises- then what? - 12/11/2005 3:09:35 PM

darkinshadows

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline

Ultimately you have to do what is right for you. If you feel that the lie can be worked on and you can learn to trust again - then stick with it. It maybe a genuine mistake and even dominants make mistakes.

If however, the dominant seems unrepentive, or you feel that you cannot deal with the lie or relearn the trust - move on. Otherwise you may find you are constantly questioning the actions of your dominant and that isnt healthy for a relationship. It happens alot so do not feel alone in this. It can be painful moving on, but it could be healthier in the longrun. Above all, be true to yourself. Even if you deeply love or admire a person, without knowing or having trust, the relationship is doomed to fail.

Peace and Rapture and the very best of thoughts.

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to mallagrl)

Post #: 2

RE: Broken Promises- then what? - 12/11/2005 3:11:16 PM

fyreredsub

Posts: 3403
Joined: 10/7/2005
Status: offline

depends on what the boundaries of the relationship are. depends on if you are Master and slave. imo, if there is no trust there is nothing but there is always an exception to the rule.
if it was someone i played w/ on occasions i would tell them to 'kiss off'...
if it were someone who's voice i hear always, it wouldn't matter..i would attempt to rebuild what was lost.
however, i do have an aversion to banging my head into a brick wall more than a few times......
you have to do what you are comfortable with, what you can live with...
let your gut be your guide.

_____________________________

"Accordingly, men must then either fulfill their nature, or deny it, and in denying their nature, deny us ours, for ours is the complement to theirs. " Renegades

(in reply to mallagrl)

Post #: 3

RE: Broken Promises- then what? - 12/11/2005 3:15:05 PM

fastlane

Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline

Kick em to the curb....Liar's suck!
except if it's over age...the only exception to the rule.

I truly hate liars, pretenders,game players, asshers and people who live in never never land with a Ken ship to no one, just pure .... waste

So hang in there and strain out the bad, there's too much good to become discouraged.

Peace, Kevin

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to darkinshadows)

Post #: 4

RE: Broken Promises- then what? - 12/11/2005 3:16:03 PM

WulfMan

Posts: 115
Status: offline

Honestly in my opinion, promises are not ment to be broken and lies are not ment to be made. This is just my thoughts.

(in reply to fyreredsub)

Post #: 5

RE: Broken Promises- then what? - 12/11/2005 3:44:28 PM

LadyJulieAnn

Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline

In my opinion, participating in this lifestyle does not mean that the basics of human interaction and emotion no longer apply. If a dominant lies to his or her submissive, he or she is simply a person who has lied, nothing more special than that. It shouldn't matter what role you hold in this lifestyle. You need to decide whether you can accept dishonesty in your life, without regard to the role one claims to be.

Be well,
Julie

(in reply to mallagrl)

Post #: 6

RE: Broken Promises- then what? - 12/11/2005 6:11:44 PM

mossy

Posts: 189
Joined: 2/21/2005
Status: offline

For me it starts out with a seemingly harmless lie about age. Yet, an almost ten year lie. i put aside the fact that i am living with this person as Master and go on. This was not the right decision. For as time went on, other facts became apparent, that showed this person had not been fully honest with me about other very basic things. The whole thing had a bad ending.

Honesty had been an integral part of our relationship, now i believe that was meant for me alone. This was just one persons experience, mine.

(in reply to mallagrl)

Post #: 7

RE: Broken Promises- then what? - 12/11/2005 7:04:43 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

People are human, whether they are in this lifestyle or not...they are still human, and they still make mistakes. Unless the lie was one that was a blatant attempt to cover up something huge ( marriage, GF, something really horrid in the past, etc ) I would take the time to figure out why that person lied, and then work from there. Sometimes, they can be forgiven...not forgotten, but forgiven.

(in reply to mallagrl)

Post #: 8

RE: Broken Promises- then what? - 12/11/2005 7:18:17 PM

coyoteugly89

Posts: 6
Joined: 11/6/2005
Status: offline

Broken promises, empty promises, and finding out truths are painful parts of life. I've delt with two Doms who did all those things and it hurt. I began to doubt myself but I soon realized that it had nothing to do with me. I am now careful. I would rather have no Dom than to have a Dom that isnt as truthful with me as I am with him.

It comes down to doing what is right for you. As for rebuliding trust, that takes time. Dont give up hun it can only go up from here.

(in reply to mallagrl)

Post #: 9

RE: Broken Promises- then what? - 12/11/2005 8:20:44 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

as a submissive, what do you do after you find out your Dom/Master/Mistress has lied to you?

Get angry.
Cry.
Try to sort it out.
Sometimes it's too much damage.
Good luck.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to coyoteugly89)

Post #: 10

RE: Broken Promises- then what? - 12/11/2005 9:01:40 PM

veronicaofML

Posts: 1317
Joined: 11/19/2005
From: from iowa..now in wisconsin
Status: offline

what do you do after you find out your Dom/Master/Mistress has lied to you
========

i have argued this point til my face was blue---and i tend to be a non forgiving sonofabitch.
but
i am TOLD..........there are lies and then there are LIES....
ok
is it something that can be "worked around"
will your world end because of it?
i am one anal --s o b-- so i tend to go off the deep end a lot.

is this...as i was asking...a tiny workable thing or a huge earth shattering thing?

only YOU have this answer.

take care

_____________________________

drugs sex and rock n roll,...drugs are good and so is the rock n roll, sex is over rated"
=============
"go straight to hell, do not pass go and do not collect $200"

(in reply to mallagrl)

Post #: 11

RE: Broken Promises- then what? - 12/12/2005 12:44:52 AM

brightspot

Posts: 3052
Status: offline

It depends on if we have discussed wanting our relationship to be an open one or not.

If we decide we are to be monogamous, myself and MsN base a lot
of our relationship on open communication and trust. So if we pledge monagamy,
I would most likely leave the relationship if she were to be sexual and loving with another.
More so if it was a long on going thing behind my back, a one night stand we would have
to have a serious conversation.

Now if we talked at some point and decided we wanted to open our relationship to a third woman, that too would be different circumstances and something that would be of mutual dicussion.

*Brightspot

< Message edited by brightspot -- 12/12/2005 12:46:01 AM >

_____________________________

"Comedy is NOT Pretty!" ~Peter Nelson

But..."May at Least One person have a sense of Humor!" ~KML.

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(in reply to mallagrl)

Post #: 12

RE: Broken Promises- then what? - 12/12/2005 3:02:51 AM

sweetpettjenny

Posts: 674
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline

My last relationship He my ex Master built the relationship on a series of his own lies. His job, where he lived, A WIFE, A Daughter that died, and having other women , using them for financial gain. It starts small and adds up. Never accept lies , because if they can lie about something trivial , picture a bigger lie around the bend. Just my humble opinion.

(in reply to mallagrl)

Post #: 13

RE: Broken Promises- then what? - 12/12/2005 5:25:27 AM

justheather

Posts: 1532
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mossy

For me it starts out with a seemingly harmless lie about age. Yet, an almost ten year lie. i put aside the fact that i am living with this person as Master and go on. This was not the right decision. For as time went on, other facts became apparent, that showed this person had not been fully honest with me about other very basic things. The whole thing had a bad ending. Honesty had been an integral part of our relationship, now i believe that was meant for me alone. This was just one persons experience, mine.

It has been my experience that when a person lies at the beginning stages of what-could-be-a-relationship, no matter how small the lie and no matter what the subject matter, it is a very very bad sign. I cant back it up with data, but I can say that in my experience, this is a pretty consistent sign of not so great things to come....a person lying over something seemingly inconsequential when he or she basically has nothing to lose yet has pretty consistently translated into someone trying to present him or herself as something he or she is not. Take that and add the nuances of a D/s relationship where trust plays a major, overt and specific role (not that it shouldnt in any relationship) and its probably not a good idea to hand over too much of your heart to someone who cant engage you with openness and honesty, for whatever reason.

_____________________________

I want the scissors to be sharp
And the table perfectly level
When you cut me out of my life
And paste me in that book you always carry.
-Billy Collins

(in reply to mossy)

Post #: 14

RE: Broken Promises- then what? - 12/12/2005 5:43:03 AM

FTopinMichigan

Posts: 571
Joined: 7/5/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

People are human, whether they are in this lifestyle or not...they are still human, and they still make mistakes. Unless the lie was one that was a blatant attempt to cover up something huge ( marriage, GF, something really horrid in the past, etc ) I would take the time to figure out why that person lied, and then work from there. Sometimes, they can be forgiven...not forgotten, but forgiven.

IMO, a "lie" is not a "mistake,"...it's quite deliberate, and the motivation behind the lie doesn't change the intent of the lie...to deceive.

The "type" of lie is of no consequence to me, as a lie is a lie, regardless. If someone lies about something totally insignificant, they will lie about anything, and everything. "Any" lie... is enough for me to break off a relationship. There is no excuse for lying, unless it's a friend that asks..."does my butt look big in this"

...then you respond, by sidestepping a bit..."well, your other outfit is more flattering"

(even when you know their butt is huge in the first place

). Sugar coating, not to hurt is one thing, but to blatantly lie is another.

To the OP, I really don't feel that trust can be "rebuilt" after it's taken away. Personally, I'm just not very forgiving when it comes to blatant lies or purposeful disregard to agreed upon promises. I don't care what a person's orientation is (dom/me, sub, etc). If a person doesn't respect the other person, by being honest, what's the point of being together. If something happens to prevent completely a task/promise, then discussing it, and changing the route of that promise may be in order, but to lie about it...is unforgivable, IMO.

K

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 15

RE: Broken Promises- then what? - 12/12/2005 5:45:39 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

A lie whether vanilla or in the life--it still that a lie--an untruth, a deceit, clear it up make your decisions, move in or move on, but do not let it fester--

< Message edited by MHOO314 -- 12/12/2005 5:46:13 AM >

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to mallagrl)

Post #: 16

RE: Broken Promises- then what? - 12/12/2005 7:03:41 AM

happypervert

Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline

After seeing some blanket condemnations of lies I have to play devil's advocate just to point out examples where you folks encourage others to lie or do it yourself:

C'mon ladies, how many times have you gone fishing for compliments saying "Does this dress make me look fat?" or "How do you like my new hair do?"

Or a social situation where you meet an old acquaintance saying "So nice to see you again! " all the while thinking "I hope I don't have to sit at the same table with this asshole at dinner."

or parents saying "Santa's watching so you be good!"

Now, obviously these are different types of lies than someone saying "I'm not married", but they are still lies. So saying "all lies are bad" is just ridiculous -- lies are a crucial part of society because some lies are also called "diplomacy".

< Message edited by happypervert -- 12/12/2005 7:06:12 AM >

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 17

RE: Broken Promises- then what? - 12/12/2005 9:50:12 AM

justheather

Posts: 1532
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: happypervert

After seeing some blanket condemnations of lies I have to play devil's advocate just to point out examples where you folks encourage others to lie or do it yourself:

C'mon ladies, how many times have you gone fishing for compliments saying "Does this dress make me look fat?" or "How do you like my new hair do?"

Or a social situation where you meet an old acquaintance saying "So nice to see you again! " all the while thinking "I hope I don't have to sit at the same table with this asshole at dinner."

or parents saying "Santa's watching so you be good!"

Now, obviously these are different types of lies than someone saying "I'm not married", but they are still lies. So saying "all lies are bad" is just ridiculous -- lies are a crucial part of society because some lies are also called "diplomacy".

Satan, Satan, darling. Im so disappointed in you.

I think we are all clearly talking about a matter of intention here. I heard no one voice the SPIRIT of the sentiment that "all lies are bad".

"Santa's watching" and "You look nice dear" (ps please please please dont ever tell me that l i dont look fat if i do and I doubt anyone who knows me has ever heard this little plea for a compliment escape my lips anyway) are not even the same species of "lie" as "Im not married yes im gainfully employed Ive never had an STD she's just a friend."
Intention.

_____________________________

I want the scissors to be sharp
And the table perfectly level
When you cut me out of my life
And paste me in that book you always carry.
-Billy Collins

(in reply to happypervert)

Post #: 18

RE: Broken Promises- then what? - 12/12/2005 10:40:06 AM

collaredheart

Posts: 23
Joined: 9/11/2005
Status: offline

I agree with most of what E/everyone else has said here. I have been lied to so much by past vanilla partners and it gets to the stage when you can not trust a word they say. Respect is lost on both sides. For me Honesty is paramount in a D/s relationship. It is deeper than vanilla and even though it can be hard sometimes to express feelings and emotions it has to be done so the relationship can grow and develop. Honesty is the basis for Communication and Trust and so important.
I have a question though.. what if someone did not tell you something that was an important part of their past that was not yet concluded because they felt you did not "need" to know??? to me thats still a lie.. id be interested on others opinions on that.. a vanilla person did it to me and ive never forgiven them for it because it was something i should have been told about.

(in reply to justheather)

Post #: 19

RE: Broken Promises- then what? - 12/12/2005 10:51:50 AM

FTopinMichigan

Posts: 571
Joined: 7/5/2004
Status: offline

Okay...playing devil's advocate, times two!

quote:

C'mon ladies, how many times have you gone fishing for compliments saying "Does this dress make me look fat?"

"The dress is very nice." (avoiding, is not lying)

(Ah, "men" ask this question too, btw...and yes, while in a dress!

)

quote:

or "How do you like my new hair do?"

"Wow, it really looks different, doesn't it! How do you like it?" (Meaning I don't tell them I hate it, cause it's more important that THEY like it)

quote:

Or a social situation where you meet an old acquaintance saying "So nice to see you again! " all the while thinking "I hope I don't have to sit at the same table with this asshole at dinner."

"I haven't seen you in so long" (under your breath...."just not long enough!"

)

quote:

or parents saying "Santa's watching so you be good!"

I won't tackle the fantasy of "Santa"...but it's a fantasy, and not a lie, if Dad is Santa, and he IS watching.

quote:

So saying "all lies are bad" is just ridiculous -- lies are a crucial part of society because some lies are also called "diplomacy".

Lies, IMO, are not a necessary part of society. I'm much rather someone tell me my ass looked too big, or if my hair looked like a bird's nest, than be dishonest. Why ask such questions, if you didn't want the correct response/view. It's not necessary to make me think one way, when something is clearly the opposite. Who does this serve?

K

Edited only for typos.

< Message edited by FTopinMichigan -- 12/12/2005 10:54:55 AM >

(in reply to happypervert)

Post #: 20

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