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RE: I could really use some help - 10/29/2008 2:28:33 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
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~Fast Reply~

Sounds like you've gotten some great advice. Me and mine where in this sort of situation ourselves once upon a time. For us the key was talking. We talked about our relationship - almost to death. How we wanted to interact, what we liked about how we were interacting and what we didn't like. What words meant to each of us. This can be a really fun time where you are both exploring what you are interested in.

It can help for you to remember that some submissives/slaves are very uncomfortable saying what they want/enjoy/need because to them it can feel that if they tell you, then they are in control. I'd suggest exploring what *you* enjoy and finding things that genuinely appeal to you, be it tickling or needleplay and safely learn about them. While you are doing it, tell her that you are looking for new ideas and if she comes across anything that might be fun you want her to tell you about it.

Best of luck to you!

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

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RE: I could really use some help - 10/30/2008 11:37:32 AM

MasterTslave

Posts: 200
Joined: 8/24/2005
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i am not a Master or Dom, but my Master had me do some research (he had been in the lifestyle for 20+ years; I was vanilla). Master trained by trial and error. I looked up lots of terms I didn't know and we just tried all kinds of things. Great rule, exception of hard limits, try everything at least 2 times before you dismiss it.

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RE: I could really use some help - 11/1/2008 6:50:14 PM

WiseCracknSadist

Posts: 163
Joined: 10/27/2006
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If it's naturally in you to be Dominant then do what feels naturally right. There are not right or wrong answers to being a Dom only that whatever you do should be consensual with your partner. However, if being a sub does not come naturally to her then you will not be able to gain any sort of natural flow to the relationship. Possibly you will have to end the relationship you are in and seek out someone who can give you what you crave. Is it sad? Yes. Is sometimes necessary? The answer of course is yes.

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RE: I could really use some help - 11/7/2008 8:52:31 AM

seekerofknowledg

Posts: 4
Joined: 10/25/2008
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I appreciate the continued advice and support I am recieving from all of you, a little update, I have tried some some things that both of us are reacting well to, the talking specifically about what she is interested in is still not there, but I have gotten some great suggestions how to "get it out of her"

Thanks

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RE: I could really use some help - 11/7/2008 9:12:35 AM

BLGirl

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Joined: 10/17/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: cagliostro

Also try ordering instead of asking. So, for example, don't say, "Want to have sex tonight?" Say, "I'm f*cking you tonight - get ready." And say it like you just said "Nice weather today." And don't wait for her to be ready, jump her. Don't ask her to get in position. Grab her and put her the way you want her. It'll work. She'll love it.

Yeah baby! Yeah! Sorry, an Austin Powers moment, couldn't help it. This is so hot, where is Daddy when I need him?

Frustrated,
BLGirl

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RE: I could really use some help - 11/7/2008 9:41:28 AM

cagliostro

Posts: 128
Joined: 12/29/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BLGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: cagliostro

Also try ordering instead of asking. So, for example, don't say, "Want to have sex tonight?" Say, "I'm f*cking you tonight - get ready." And say it like you just said "Nice weather today." And don't wait for her to be ready, jump her. Don't ask her to get in position. Grab her and put her the way you want her. It'll work. She'll love it.

Yeah baby! Yeah! Sorry, an Austin Powers moment, couldn't help it. This is so hot, where is Daddy when I need him?

Frustrated,
BLGirl

Do I make you horny baby!? Do I!? =))

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RE: I could really use some help - 11/7/2008 9:42:00 AM

opensoul

Posts: 77
Joined: 11/24/2006
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Op, I am so aware of how your wife may feel at this time. I too knew I wanted this and could not talk to anyone or open up for the fear of disapproval. I started reading any books on BDSM I could find, My Master gave me a list and suggestions for us to talk about. It was not maybe try this ,but read and talk about this tonight. The Beauty books are great to see if she can open to many new thoughts. You may also get some ideas for your self of what you would or would not like to try.

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Post #: 27

RE: I could really use some help - 11/7/2008 9:57:15 AM

Lordandmaster

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Joined: 6/22/2004
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To the OP: You've been getting very good responses. The hard truth is that if it turns out you're not able to do this for your wife, you'll have to accept that she needs something you can't give her--and that can be hard for a husband to accept.

Hope it works out.

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RE: I could really use some help - 11/7/2008 10:17:14 AM

BLGirl

Posts: 209
Joined: 10/17/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: cagliostro

quote:

ORIGINAL: BLGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: cagliostro

Also try ordering instead of asking. So, for example, don't say, "Want to have sex tonight?" Say, "I'm f*cking you tonight - get ready." And say it like you just said "Nice weather today." And don't wait for her to be ready, jump her. Don't ask her to get in position. Grab her and put her the way you want her. It'll work. She'll love it.

Yeah baby! Yeah! Sorry, an Austin Powers moment, couldn't help it. This is so hot, where is Daddy when I need him?

Frustrated,
BLGirl

Do I make you horny baby!? Do I!? =))

Daddy would have me say, "It's not my bag, baby!" However, I am allowed and encouraged to think for myself, so it is definitely my bag and I am "Horny, baby!"

Very BLGirl

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RE: I could really use some help - 11/7/2008 10:33:45 AM

camille65

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Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
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I have moments of reluctance in communicating when I get embarrassed or self-conscious, sometimes it is because I am internally fixated on what I fear/hope/worry his response will be. He gently encourages me, lets me know that desires I have aren't freaky or disgusting. By creating a safe place he is able to draw things out of me.

Even still it is hard for me to verbalize things so he has me write. Sometimes I write stories and sometimes it is as simple as just journaling my thoughts. Again I am able to do these things without fear of any kind of negative reaction from him which is vital for me. There are times when I simply don't have the words so I write the feelings down and we talk about them.

It is a very real exposure and I couldn't do it if I didn't trust him. I don't mean trust as in 'oh gee I hope he knows how to flog correctly' but more like I know he won't use what I tell him to mock or humiliate me. *yes some get off on that but not me*

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RE: I could really use some help - 11/7/2008 3:20:35 PM

cagliostro

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quote:

ORIGINAL: camille65
Even still it is hard for me to verbalize things so he has me write. Sometimes I write stories and sometimes it is as simple as just journaling my thoughts. Again I am able to do these things without fear of any kind of negative reaction from him which is vital for me. There are times when I simply don't have the words so I write the feelings down and we talk about them.

OMG that's a great idea!!!! She can keep the journal to herself, or share it with you. But if she *is* self conscious or something, she can still explore these ideas because no one will ever know. And it encourages her to just be creative with it. She can write her most twisted fantasy and it's still perfectly safe. Of course, you'll have to respect that boundary or you'll wreck the relationship. Peeking at that book would be a huge trust violation.

Wow. Two thumbs up. Great idea.

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RE: I could really use some help - 11/9/2008 1:26:22 PM

SadysticJester

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Joined: 6/24/2008
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you need to explore everything you can jointly and singularly with your spouse,things she wants you to do to her or be for her,and also to find out what does it for you to bring about the ZDominant side and how well it fits you.

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The fool may seem a Fool to some,but take care to fully explore what the Fool has to say,They are not foolish words...
SadysticJester

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RE: I could really use some help - 11/9/2008 1:36:56 PM

masterlink65

Posts: 683
Joined: 11/3/2007
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there is a difference between being a dom/sub sexual-vs- living a life of dom/sub.

first thing you need to realize.. are you naturally dominant? are you wishing to be dominant and acting it out with your wife as your learn as you go sub? or are you sexually dominant?

i am dominant by nature, and do very little sexually to express my dominance, i do not feel the need to beat, or tie my slaves in bondage to exert my dominance so the issue of hurting my slave during sex is not an issue.

you sound, like many others, who seem to confuse their sexuality, with the act of actually being dominant.

i am not saying any of this is right or wrong. you need to find within your own relationship, what your needs are. separate your needs from your wants. talk to your wife, and experiment slowly with different scenes and scenario.

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Post #: 33