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In the beginning - 10/25/2008 5:50:44 AM   
WannaSPOON


Posts: 47
Joined: 12/26/2006
Status: offline 		I wasn't quite sure where to put this nor what string to use to search for a similar topic so I'll ask the ones who would have a better ideas. I've been interested in BDSM for years but I'm just now getting to a point where I can actually start trying to find a steady relationship and not just random play.

I am curious what subs look for in the beginning when talking to a potential Dom. I can be nice and courteous as well as cocky and flirty. Is it a personal preference for everyone or is there some general suggestion as to how to approach the initial stages?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: In the beginning - 10/25/2008 6:15:11 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

Is it a personal preference for everyone or is there some general suggestion as to how to approach the initial stages?


It's easy.  Relate to others in the manner you'd like them to relate to you.
Be forewarned though, if you think leading with kinky facts about life will work universally, it won't.




_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to WannaSPOON)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: In the beginning - 10/25/2008 7:32:30 AM   
Beneathhumanity


Posts: 19
Joined: 10/21/2008
Status: offline 		When talking to a dominant, I try to get to know him as a person rather than the role he takes, of course our desires and interests in BDSM are important yet when finding and meeting the right person I need to know that we will be compatitable in other ways rather than just master and slave. Find the right one is a personal choice, being its about what you seek for yourself, being each submissive seeks something different. Relax but be careful at the same time.

_____________________________

"You are no one's pet, dog, object, or sub until you give them that right. Only you can give it. No one can take or assume it without your permission."

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: In the beginning - 10/25/2008 7:33:59 AM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I knew too much about the lifestyle when I wanted to find my first dominant.  I found him as a budding new boyfriend when I was in the military.  We met at a dance the bowling alley was having.
Got to know one another.  Soon realized we had the same interests.  The rest was history..the relationship lasted 10 years until I asked for release.  He wanted to get married and I did not.

Took me five years to find my current dominant.  He was much harder to find.  Since you are new you really don't know what sort of play you are into.  Or do you?

You should define your limits.  What you know you can absolutely never do.  Be prepared to evolve though.  You will, we all do.  Never meet anyone in a private place.  Always quite public.  For me, advice I follow but many do not.  Never play at first meeting.
Treat them as anyone else you would meet anywhere until some trust builds.  If they try to trash you for not meeting fast enough..dump them.  There are others out there who actually have a clue.  Besides you don't want someone that immature anyway. 

Just a few ideas.


(in reply to WannaSPOON)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: In the beginning - 10/25/2008 7:41:19 AM   
VampiresLair


Posts: 1307
Joined: 9/3/2008
Status: offline 		When you are talking to a dominant, remember first and foremost that you are talking to person and not a title. I have lost interest in more people than I can count who are so wrapped up in what I am that they forget about who I am.
Also, remember that if you are looking for a relationship that lasts, it has to have a lot more than just kink going for it, so do not focus on just that.
And major thing here, do not assume all dominants want to be called by a title right out of the gate. Read the profiles and see how they prefer to be addressed, ad if it isnt mentioned use their screenname rather than some honorific. You re just as likely to lose points as you are to gain them using Mistress or Goddess with some of us.

Good luck!
DV


_____________________________

Separately we are DiurnalVampire and DVsFox

10/18 Wedding date. 1 year and still blissfully happy

10/13/10 3 year anniversary of his becoming my Fox

Talk impolitely to me, baby - Thanks sunshinemiss



(in reply to sub4hire)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: In the beginning - 10/25/2008 7:54:48 AM   
zakkan


Posts: 606
Joined: 4/15/2008
Status: offline 		http://www.collarchat.com/m_1763219/mpage_1/tm.htm
How do you like to be approached on here

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1500588/mpage_1/key_introduction/tm.htm#1500863
What do you expect in a first contact email

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1316919/mpage_1/tm.htm
How to introduce myself to a sub

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1638584/mpage_1/key_approach/tm.htm#1638681
How do you wish to be approached?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1562989/mpage_1/tm.htm
Does "On your knees, Bitch!" EVER work in a first e-mail?


This IS fun


_____________________________

Silence! I keel you!

(in reply to VampiresLair)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: In the beginning - 10/25/2008 7:57:51 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline 		I want to be treated as a person and not a fantasy. vanilla first. Plus one has to pay attention to what I say. You cant have a fantasy of something you want to do to me and disregard what I tell you. For instance if you have this fantasy where i am cuffed from behind but i can not be put in that position because of an injury, you cannot go ahead and do it anyway.

What I want is to be safe and come out unharmed. I want to be able to trust you. you need to know what you are doing and keep control of yourself as a Dominant at all times. You need to be technically skilled at BDSM and if you are not learn. I do not want to be your experiment. You need to know what the endangerment sites on the body are and pay attention that you are controlled enough to not hit them even accidentally.

If I am on a soapbox it is because I was seeing a dominant that was technically unskilled and had a fantasy agenda that he wanted to fill. I had a bruise that after 3 weeks was still not completely healed because of where I was flogged. So please read, get mentored and learn how to keep a sub safe AND listen.
there is a thread i created in the health and safety section of the forum called "Endangerment Sites" you can search for it if you want to know where these areas are.


have fun but play safe.


(this is not directed at the OP but any newer dom who doesnt have a medical background to know whats safe and whats not safe)

< Message edited by lusciouslips19 -- 10/25/2008 8:02:00 AM >

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to VampiresLair)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: In the beginning - 10/25/2008 8:13:09 AM   
WannaSPOON


Posts: 47
Joined: 12/26/2006
Status: offline 		Well to answer a question above, I'm not new to the lifestyle and I've had a few subs but they were just temporary -- a few play sessions over the summer, for example. I'm getting to the point where I'd like something a bit more long-term/dedicated.

From what I've read I take it that it's good to get the BDSM information up front but not as the center-piece to the relation. Everything else is just about being one's self and seeing how the personalities mesh. Did I miss anything?

(in reply to lusciouslips19)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: In the beginning - 10/25/2008 8:20:17 AM   
lronitulstahp


Posts: 5392
Joined: 10/17/2007
Status: offline
quote:

I want to be treated as a person and not a fantasy
 
You say that now....i kinda like being treated as a fantsy.

_____________________________

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

(in reply to lusciouslips19)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: In the beginning - 10/25/2008 8:21:58 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WannaSPOON

Well to answer a question above, I'm not new to the lifestyle and I've had a few subs but they were just temporary -- a few play sessions over the summer, for example. I'm getting to the point where I'd like something a bit more long-term/dedicated.

From what I've read I take it that it's good to get the BDSM information up front but not as the center-piece to the relation. Everything else is just about being one's self and seeing how the personalities mesh. Did I miss anything?


No, you did not miss the message. You'll find your sweetheart. I just know it!

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to WannaSPOON)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: In the beginning - 10/25/2008 8:23:17 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lronitulstahp

quote:

I want to be treated as a person and not a fantasy
 
You say that now....i kinda like being treated as a fantsy.


i agree, but not when the fantasy agenda takes precedence over a subs needs and safety.

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to lronitulstahp)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: In the beginning - 10/25/2008 8:31:23 AM   
WannaSPOON


Posts: 47
Joined: 12/26/2006
Status: offline 		First impressions are the hard part. Convincing someone I'm worth knowing has always been my weak suit. Once the person has spent more than 10 minutes or so talking to me everything's just fine

(in reply to lusciouslips19)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: In the beginning - 10/25/2008 9:18:24 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WannaSPOON
I can be nice and courteous as well as cocky and flirty.


I prefer it when someone is just being themself.  I have caught myself in the past trying to act a certain way because I thought it was what someone wanted (not BDSM related).  That never works (well, it didn't work for me). 

I was talking with someone the other day about the process of looking for a job.  I related how I was always second choice after the interview process (although I have to wonder about the process, because the first choice always turned them down and I always got offered the job anyway).  I always hated job interviews, although I was told that I interview very well.

After being at the same job for 10 years, and leaving that job to move back home, I found myself having to interview again.  I had grown in that time, and had come to realize that: Either I was what they wanted, or I wasn't.  Either I was a good fit, or I wasn't.  Either they thought I would be a good addition, or they didn't. 

So I decided to just relax and really be myself.  I went on a number of interviews over a two week period, and I was offered every job I interviewed for.  It had nothing to do with my skills, and everything to do with just being myself.



Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to WannaSPOON)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: In the beginning - 10/25/2008 9:36:47 AM   
kallisto


Posts: 1185
Status: offline 		I was talking with someone this morning about that.  No games.  I am who I am.   Just being me has always worked well no matter the relationship.  

(in reply to CalifChick)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: In the beginning - 10/25/2008 10:16:29 AM   
Roselaure


Posts: 672
Joined: 4/12/2008
Status: offline 		It's a cliche but you just have to be yourself.  For me, there is nothing more ridiculous than a Dominat putting on som Domly persona.  A naturally powerful man has a unmistakable aura, you can't fake it.  Real chemistry with a real person, that is what melts my butter.

_____________________________

Once conform, once do what other people do because they do it, and lethargy steals over all the finer nerves and faculties of the soul.
-Virginia Woolf

(in reply to WannaSPOON)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: In the beginning - 10/25/2008 11:12:39 AM   
kallisto


Posts: 1185
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Roselaure

A naturally powerful man has a unmistakable aura, you can't fake it.  Real chemistry with a real person, that is what melts my butter.


You said that so well. 

(in reply to Roselaure)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: In the beginning - 10/25/2008 3:08:35 PM   
WannaSPOON


Posts: 47
Joined: 12/26/2006
Status: offline 		Indeed.

(in reply to kallisto)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: In the beginning - 10/25/2008 5:28:27 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		As a sub, when i started the process of finding someone to play with / have a long term relationship with, the one that caught my fancy, and me, was the one who didn't want to spend a lot of time on-line or on the phone. He was the first one to invite me to meet. To be honest, i was so horny that i probably would have gone with anyone - but the man i meet was every thing i could have wanted!

The thing for me was the physical meeting. The profile gave me something to think about, until i met him for real. Meeting pretty much tells you if there is any reason to meet for the second time.
We met for coffee in a bookshop, and i figure by the end of the cup  of coffee, anyone will have a feeling wheither or not there is something there. I have to admit when i saw my Sir for the first time, i didn't like his clothes or his glasses, but i also knew that those were things that i could change if need be     -    and two years later, he has new glasses, and i buy his clothes for him.  The important thing for me was him - his personality, intelligence and sense of humor. If these things mesh, then the rest is just icing on the cake.

(in reply to WannaSPOON)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: In the beginning - 10/27/2008 8:45:48 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		Talk to me as a preson not as a sub.  That is what Master and i did the first time we met face to face.  He also flirited with me a little which i liked.  Just be yourself it makes life much eaiser.  If they don't like you for who you are then theay are not worth your time.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to kiwisub12)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: In the beginning - 10/27/2008 8:57:00 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Roselaure
It's a cliche but you just have to be yourself.  For me, there is nothing more ridiculous than a Dominat putting on som Domly persona.  A naturally powerful man has a unmistakable aura, you can't fake it.  Real chemistry with a real person, that is what melts my butter.

Heh, so long as we all understand that what is "naturally powerful" to sub A is "spineless and weak" to sub B and "arrogant and domineering" to sub C. My wife finds me quite thoroughly dominant, but I'd bet solid money that more than half the subs here would not see that. Which is why the last part is key... Real chemistry with a real person... mmmmmmm, butter......

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Roselaure)
Profile   Post #: 20
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