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"Things" - what they mean to us - 10/25/2008 9:43:54 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		About a year and a half ago I walked into the home I had created and subsequently left (husband and I separated) to find it completely empty. All of the things I have ever owned (childhood books and photos, family keepsakes, letters, etc.) were gone. Not a picture on the wall, not a book on the shelf, even the furniture was gone. My husband decided since I had left him, I had left everything, and didn’t deserve to have it anymore. The experience was pretty shocking and devastating, to say the least, and I spent a great deal of time (on my own and in therapy) to overcome this violation and to let go.

Added to the shock of suddenly not owning anything anymore, of no longer having the sentimental things that had so much value to me (even the irises from my grandmother’s garden were pulled), was the shock that someone I had loved so much would do this to me, and to my family. I think I would have handled it better if, say, a fire had destroyed everything rather than losing it all to a vindictive act by a man who claimed to love me.

Frankly, I’m still not over it, although I have managed to accept it and come to terms with it. I learned to say goodbye to my things and start anew. I learned that “things” are just things, even those things the family has passed down through generations. I learned that the really important things in life are the intangible things – love, faith, friendships, family, hope, what we focus on, etc.

In the final divorce negotiations – all 18 hours of them – he agreed to return the keepsakes. He could keep the furniture, the money, the things we acquired together. But I wanted my family’s things back. He agreed to return them, back in March. March came and went…April, May…you get the idea. I decided I wasn’t going to see these things again, and came to terms with that.

On Thursday of this week, he emailed me that he had left a bunch of boxes for me at my attorney’s office, and yesterday a friend came with me to inventory them and take them home.

Much of what he returned was junk that I used to beg him to throw out when I lived with him. I have every file for every bill we have ever paid in the last 10 years, for accounts that don’t even exist anymore. OK, easy enough – I have a shredder and that solves that. The majority of my family’s things were not returned, but many items were.

It was a bit surreal to go through them, since I had already grieved them and didn’t think I’d see them again. The first item that made me break into tears was a box of antique soaps I had bought my grandmother but didn’t have an opportunity to give her – she died before I could. And then there was the framed photo of an uncle in Spain – a most beautiful man and one of my favorite people ever – who died of stomach cancer 6 months after I left my husband and 6 months before my Dad died. Emilio called me a few days before he died, to say goodbye, and to remind me to hold onto hope and goodness, no matter how bad things would get. Then there was my Dad’s piano music…and so it went. It was an emotional day.

So I’m sitting here this morning, still blown away by these feelings. I thought “things” didn’t matter, so then why am I so affected still, by “things?” Is it “things” that we love, or what they represent to us? And if it’s what they represent, do we need the things to remind us of what is important?

I find myself really emotional today, and I’m not even sure why. I think going through these things has made me feel the pain of losing them again, and of all that happened in between, as though I’ve come full circle.

So what have I learned from the loss and recovery? What am I gaining by this? Do I even want these things back, or has my life become simplified by no longer having them? I looked through a lot of it and thought, “This was once really important to me, but I don’t care about it anymore” but the idea of giving it away feels like losing something all over again.

I’m rambling here…I’m processing. I’m not looking for sympathy; I suppose I’m looking to see if anyone has been through something parallel, and can share how they dealt with it. I’m wondering what is the importance of things to people, and why? And once we learn to live without them, even if we still miss them, do we really want them back?

Just some heavy thoughts for a Saturday morning. Any thoughts contributed to this will be appreciated. I’m feeling a bit confused about everything I thought I had come to terms with. If nothing else, it helps to journal this out.

Thanks for reading…I think I need to click on the link in my signature line now.


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Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.


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RE: "Things" - what they mean to us - 10/25/2008 9:57:32 AM   
bamabbwsub


Posts: 566
Joined: 5/28/2007
Status: offline 		I'm so sorry that your ex-husband has done this to you -- how petty and selfish. It amazes me what people will do in the name of revenge: throwing away keepsakes, harming pets, etc. It's unconscionable to say the least.

As for your thread, I don't think that the "things" you are grieving for are just "things." They are keepsakes...mementos...items that have a memory associated with them. And along with the memories, feelings. You aren't upset that he kept the washer and dryer, or the DVD player, or the expensive couch that you bought. You are upset about the items that have memories and feelings attached to them. When we look at a keepsake, it instantly brings to mind the person who gave it to us, or brings back an associated memory, and without those things, the memory is harder to invoke.

So, no...you aren't grieving for "things" in the sense of their monetary value. You are grieving for things that had an emotional value to them, and you shouldn't even think twice about grieving for that.

Stay strong, and best of luck to you.

_____________________________

"Everyone is normal until you get to know them." - Dave Sim

I rescue animals. My pockets and gas tank are always empty. My home is always hairy and my inbox full of sadness, but my heart is full when seeing those that are saved.

(in reply to NuevaVida)
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RE: "Things" - what they mean to us - 10/25/2008 10:01:49 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Oh wow, can I relate. My ex-husband did a very similar thing. He literally ran the short ones and I out of the house one violent night, then within days, loaded everything up, hauled it off to an auction and sold it. Then he left the state and blew the money. There were only a few treasures, that I had packed away in a worthless trunk with out of season clothes, that I still have.

Now, years later, I am surrounded my many more material possessions and know that they mean far more to me than I would like them to. I think part of it is the pain of that first loss coupled with growing up in poverty and having very few things that I could call my own. And very few who's only use was for beauty. Now, I have art everywhere, my infamous jewelry collection, and just more stuff than I would have ever imagined during that horrible time many years ago.

I still struggle with the shallowness (as I see it) of placing too much value on material things. The reality is that we place alot of emotional value on them. What that is and why, will vary for each of us. For some, it is a measure of our own self value, for others it is sentimental...the blanket chest that my grandmother brought from Pennsylvania in the 20's is an example, for others, it will be items that we coveted and never thought we might own and once we have them there is fear in losing them. Perhaps because we are either incredulous that we actually obtained them, or feel that losing them would mean some sort of regressing to a point we don't wish to return to. Another might simply be the monetary value of the items we don't want to lose. The reasons will go on and on.

Some things I've lost I would snatch back in a second if I could. Other things, if I got them back, would have lost their luster and would disappoint me.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 10/25/2008 10:03:50 AM >

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to NuevaVida)
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RE: "Things" - what they mean to us - 10/25/2008 10:06:11 AM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Memories are powerful emotions.  You're right things are things.  They can be taken away in so many different ways.

I've learned to keep what is truly precious to me in a safe deposit box far away from my home.  Every photo I've ever taken and many I haven't taken are on CDs. 
Well you get the idea.  Preserve what you can before it is taken away again.

When you are gone all of these things are going to mean about as much to the next person as they meant to your husband.  That is the sad fact. 

Why?  Because they are our memories. 

(in reply to NuevaVida)
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RE: "Things" - what they mean to us - 10/25/2008 10:26:09 AM   
Kirata


Posts: 15477
Joined: 2/11/2006
From: USA
Status: offline 		I have heard the old line, "they're just things," a million times. I understand the point. I'm still alive. I still have my life. But the fact remains that a part of me is gone. We put a part of ourselves in the things we care about, our labor, our love. We give them meaning. And when they are gone, stolen, or destroyed by some act of nature or spite, it is a loss, we grieve, and like any loss, we go on, but we do not forget. 
 
In my case, they were all I had left of my father, my mother, my nana, my family. They were not just "things". I wish I could show the photos to my nephews and nieces, who ask about the grand-uncle and grand-aunt they never met. And I wish I was still reminded by the presence of other things of the love and caring of which they were tokens.
 
The view that property consists simply of "things" deprives them of any meaning other than their market value as consumer items. It is the crazy edge of a materialism that denies our nature and our humanity. It allows people to destroy your life, everything that matters to you, and settle it with cash.
 
I am sorry for your loss.
 
K.
 
 
 
 
 

(in reply to NuevaVida)
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RE: "Things" - what they mean to us - 10/25/2008 10:31:13 AM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline 		My divorce was 27 years ago  (heh, suddenly feeling very very old!)  In the interest of attempting an amicable and ‘fair’ disposition of our property I met with my soon-to-be ex, (without a lawyer), and we drew up a list of what we each wanted. 
I had removed a few items ahead of time and so still have them.  But everything else ‘disappeared’.  He sold the antiques from my family, hid our sons pictures, etc.  I could have taken him to court over the heirlooms, but they were gone and I sure wasn’t interested in the money because it was the things that were important.
Two months ago, my now adult son surprised me with a DVD with all pics of him as a um.  I had not dwelled on my losses when he was younger, but he knew that his dad had those pictures.  I did not realize that he was angry at his dad for what he did way back then, but apparently confronted him recently and talked his dad into burning the disc. 
And ya know what?  I bawled my eyes out as I looked at all those pictures and took a trip down memory lane.  But more precious than the pictures was feeling the enormity of my son’s love for me.
So, yeah, things are important, they do have meaning.  But in the larger scheme of life, there are intangibles that carry more weight because they can never be lost.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

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RE: "Things" - what they mean to us - 10/25/2008 10:39:51 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		Wow, thank you, everyone, for what you have written. I know I'm still in the thick of it all so I haven't come to terms with it. Reading your contributions is helping.

I think something I am grappling with is, some of these things were returned to me and now I don't want them! And I think, WTF?? Mind you, some of them I very much DO want, but it's just all weird and confusing.

I believe things have meaning, but keeping their meaning in perspective is the tricky balance. Right now I'm wobbling on that balance beam.

Again, thank you, and I'm sorry for the losses you have experienced, too. We do come out on the other side, though, don't we?

I'm very appreciative of what has been shared.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



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RE: "Things" - what they mean to us - 10/25/2008 10:43:47 AM   
SL4V3M4YB3


Posts: 3506
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: S.E. London U.K.
Status: offline 		I have the first camera I ever owned sadly I can't get 110 film easily and I'd give it away in exchange for the pictures I took with it that I seemed to have lost along the way. I'm a believer in the philosophy that possessions own us.

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Memory Lane...been there done that.

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RE: "Things" - what they mean to us - 10/25/2008 11:02:13 AM   
bamabbwsub


Posts: 566
Joined: 5/28/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida
I think something I am grappling with is, some of these things were returned to me and now I don't want them! And I think, WTF?? Mind you, some of them I very much DO want, but it's just all weird and confusing.


In your original post, you said, “This was once really important to me, but I don’t care about it anymore” but the idea of giving it away feels like losing something all over again. It just sounds like maybe some of the items didn't mean quite as much to you as you thought they did. Hold on to those items until you feel ready to get rid of them,and then maybe pass them along to another relative who might want them, if you want to keep them in the family.

_____________________________

"Everyone is normal until you get to know them." - Dave Sim

I rescue animals. My pockets and gas tank are always empty. My home is always hairy and my inbox full of sadness, but my heart is full when seeing those that are saved.

(in reply to NuevaVida)
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RE: "Things" - what they mean to us - 10/25/2008 11:08:09 AM   
Steponme73


Posts: 552
Joined: 11/9/2007
Status: offline 		I am sorry to hear that your husband was such a jerk.  The memories are something no one can ever steal from you.  They are yours forever.  The material things have sentimental value, but if you had lost them in a storm they would still be gone. 

(in reply to bamabbwsub)
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RE: "Things" - what they mean to us - 10/25/2008 11:10:31 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bamabbwsub
It just sounds like maybe some of the items didn't mean quite as much to you as you thought they did. Hold on to those items until you feel ready to get rid of them,and then maybe pass them along to another relative who might want them, if you want to keep them in the family.


This is a good point, thank you. And yes, I'm letting my family know they're up for grabs now. :)

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



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RE: "Things" - what they mean to us - 10/25/2008 11:10:51 AM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida
I think something I am grappling with is, some of these things were returned to me and now I don't want them! And I think, WTF?? Mind you, some of them I very much DO want, but it's just all weird and confusing.


Why not give them to someone who will cherish them.  Or put them in a box somewhere in the garage or something.  That way if you ever want to go down memory lane again, you can.

I understand where you are coming from.  When I was in high school...living in California.  We had fires that wiped out..a good chunk of my friends homes.  I thought to myself how devastating must that really be to these people having lost everything?  Then as the month's went by.  When I'd visit a friend.  I'd look around their room.  The house in general and it seemed so uncluttered and wonderful. 
My life was cluttered.  My life was cluttered with good and bad memories.  Sometimes it feels good to clean the slate and start over. 



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RE: "Things" - what they mean to us - 10/25/2008 11:16:30 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4hire

quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida
I think something I am grappling with is, some of these things were returned to me and now I don't want them! And I think, WTF?? Mind you, some of them I very much DO want, but it's just all weird and confusing.


Why not give them to someone who will cherish them.  Or put them in a box somewhere in the garage or something.  That way if you ever want to go down memory lane again, you can.

*Smiles* I lost my house, too, so there is no garage. BUT...for example, I know my aunt would love to have her father's (my grandfather's) sheet music. So, things like that will have a home with the family.


quote:


My life was cluttered.  My life was cluttered with good and bad memories.  Sometimes it feels good to clean the slate and start over. 



That's one of the things I came to terms with - in being more simplified without them. Now I have some of them back and I wonder if I even want them now. It all works out...it's just weird for me right now. Sometimes we miss something so badly and when we get it back we realize we did just fine without. On the bright side, this time I get to choose what happens to it, rather than having it the hands of someone who stole it.

I'm starting to feel better. You guys rock.

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Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



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RE: "Things" - what they mean to us - 10/25/2008 11:23:49 AM   
velvetears


Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline 		i still hold so much of my mother's "things" as she passed 15 years ago and she was living with me when she passed.   i still have her purse with whatever was in it when she was last alive, her armoire with some clothes of her still in it, some pieces of antique furniture, stuff she collected, her jewelry etc.  i was thinking i should part with many of these things as they just keep me hooked into the past, painful memories.  When your mired down in the past you can't look or move forward. 

Recently a vindictive sister destroyed a couple of dozen rolls of film on me and stole the one piece of jewlry my mother had actually given me when she was alive - it was a gold necklace that was given her as an anniversary present from my father.  i can still feel anger when i think abou the lost memories from never being able to see those pictures again. 

i enjoy collecting things - especially holiday stuff - each piece i can remember where i bought it and seeing it brings up memories for me that are precious - i would feel a loss if i didn't have these things anymore, but life would move on and i suppose i would start collecting mew things.  Photos are most important to me - i have literally thousands and i would be devestated to loose them - along with many videos of my children growing up. 

i am glad you got some of your things back nv, i will never understand vindictiveness and the lengths people will go to induce pain and suffering in others.  He may  have taken things from you but in return you got your life back from being free of this man,  and that is most precious of all.


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RE: "Things" - what they mean to us - 10/25/2008 11:27:11 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetears
He may  have taken things from you but in return you got your life back from being free of this man,  and that is most precious of all.



Hi Velvetears,

What you wrote here was the one thought that I kept reminding myself all this time, since everything was taken. The one thing he could no longer have was me. Losing everything else paled in comparison, because the cost of keeping them was too high. Thank you for the reminder. :)

You all really are awesome. Thank you!

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Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



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RE: "Things" - what they mean to us - 10/25/2008 11:40:36 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		::hugs girlfriend:: Call me when you can. :*

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


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RE: "Things" - what they mean to us - 10/25/2008 11:45:40 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		You got it, sweets. But right now I'm off to work so I can make more money (to collect more stuff, lol).




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Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



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RE: "Things" - what they mean to us - 10/25/2008 12:02:19 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		My ex-husband kept everything but two weeks worth of clothes for both my son and myself. I came to california to visit my mother with my son, and when it came time to come back home he said he did not want me to come back... he wasn't ready to be a father... so I had only 5 dollars, a few clothes. He changed his mind less than a month later, but I decided I wanted out. He kept all of my son's things, photos of my son as an infant, the crib... etc. He kept all my childhood keepsakes.

I suppose I felt a loss of these things, and I still think of them now and again. I miss my books, etc. Then my aunt passes away last year... my favorite aunt (I have about a dozen of them...lol). She had given me a friendship ring from Ireland. It was silver, and I loved it.... and it occurred to me once again that I would never see this ring when I got the news... it was gone, and it hit me hard when she died. In fact I am in tears as I write this. It is just a thing, and it isn't the thing that I want, it is the memory connected with it. My sister and I were special enough to be thought of while she was in Ireland... she had many nieces, but she was so good to us, so kind to us.

This happened when my son was an infant. He is an adult now. For the most part I have not spent much time thinking of my belongings... and I have no bad feelings toward my ex with regard to this... It is what it is...

I am happy you got some of your things back. Perhaps he will return more of them now...

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: "Things" - what they mean to us - 10/25/2008 12:38:00 PM   
slaveboyforyou


Posts: 3607
Joined: 1/6/2005
From: Arkansas, U.S.A.
Status: offline 		Photographs which I still need to transfer to digital, because I have family photos that are close to 100 years old.  All of those are very important to me, because they can't be replaced.  I have a Luger that my grandfather took off a Geman soldier in WWII that I hold dear.  I have my great-grandfather's Brodie helmet from WWI, and that is irreplaceable.  I also have a couple of carbide lamps that belonged to him when he was a coal miner in the 20's and 30's.  I have my great-great grandfather's Winchester Model 1873 that he got saving Mail Pouch Chewing Tobacco wrappers as a little boy.  It's irreplaceable as well.  I have a few quilts that my grandmother made, that I would never part with.  All of those things are important to me, and they are not just "things." 

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RE: "Things" - what they mean to us - 10/25/2008 1:06:36 PM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Hello.

In a strange way- tho- that means NO BAGGAGE.  You now have a blank slate and a fresh start.   I very much know how I had to get rid of stuff - and I preferred to do the sorting.

Other family or friends might have pics that you could scan.   

Im not your grandmother- but I could probaly spare a couple of bulbs for you.

He must have felt that you took years from his life.  (weather that is true is not the point)  being overly emotional means he had invested energy-time-resources with you, and since it did not match what he expected- he took childish action.

He took those things PRECISELY to hurt you. 

..and you know what?   dont let him succeed.    the best revenge is living well.    move on to your new and improved life.   Join freecylce- you can find replacement junk there.

I realize it is hard to not be hurt.   But that man- is not worth the salt of your tears!

...so think of the trash being gone.   .....try not to stoop to his level...and turn the page on this.   a new life awaits you.

We of course will help if we can.
Roger

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