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generally speaking... - 12/13/2005 7:22:15 PM   
foxglove716


Posts: 648
Joined: 7/4/2005
Status: offline 		for those of you who have had both kinky and vanilla relationships, which would you say was more complicated? Does living a somewhat unconventional lifestyle complicate things? Does having pre determined roles simplify things?

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RE: generally speaking... - 12/13/2005 7:26:50 PM   
Sensualips


Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		I suspect most will answer kinky relationships are much more complex.

However, I think it depends on the relationship. I have had some vanilla relationships that were terribly complicated and also very rich and fulfilling. I have had some kinky relationships that were simple and straightforward, and also fulfilling in different ways.

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RE: generally speaking... - 12/13/2005 7:30:23 PM   
Wolf1020


Posts: 447
Joined: 11/7/2005
From: Anderson, SC
Status: offline 		Both.

In the home it simplifys things in the sense there is an understanding and things are set in a certian way. Being dominant or submissive isn't just a kink, for most people in the lifestyle it is just who you are. I could easily be with a vanilla woman, but we would end up arguing constantly due to my nature to control and dominate. Hell I end up arguing with my mother about it cause we live together (no I don't live with mommy, she is patialy disabled and living together makes both our lives easier) and just my general nature is a controling one. More comples but also simplier and much more smooth.

But as to public or family/friends who don't know I think sometimes it complicates things sometimes. Nothing not managable, but it certianly can lead to mild chalanges.

< Message edited by Wolf1020 -- 12/13/2005 7:31:12 PM >

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RE: generally speaking... - 12/13/2005 8:34:11 PM   
domtimothy46176


Posts: 670
Joined: 12/25/2004
From: Dayton, Ohio area
Status: offline 		For myself, vanilla relationships were more complicated. I find that with toy, there is a lot less conflict, and none of the power struggles that I've observed in others' vanilla relationships. For us, things run much more smoothly because of the underlying dynamic.
Timothy

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RE: generally speaking... - 12/13/2005 8:36:19 PM   
ProtagonistLily


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Joined: 12/27/2004
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quote:

for those of you who have had both kinky and vanilla relationships, which would you say was more complicated? Does living a somewhat unconventional lifestyle complicate things? Does having pre determined roles simplify things?


This is a good question, and is bound to have all kinds of answers.

I'm excrutiatingly happy in my D/s relationship and that's due to a gazillion differant things, but mostly because as a couple, regardless of D/s, we are very sympatico. We have moments of complication, simply because we are still relatively new, but overall, we are very uncomplicated. I think this is probably because of defined roles, but not in the sense that it's robotic, but more in the sense that I know who I am and what the expectations are. I find it very comforting to know the limits and the expectations and to be able to comfortably move within them.

I tried to 'vanilla' date last year and it was horrible. The thing I like about people who are into BDSM is that they are generally more open and more fourthcoming about what they think and feel than vanilla people. Certainly men who are into BDSM are not afraid to talk about sex and sexuality. I dated a man vanilla for a month last year and had not clue one what his sexual experiences were and that unnerved me to a degree.

D/s can be complicated with the wrong person, just like vanilla can be complicated with the wrong person. When things click, nothing should be very complicated.

Lily

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RE: generally speaking... - 12/13/2005 8:53:37 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


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quote:

ORIGINAL: foxglove716

for those of you who have had both kinky and vanilla relationships, which would you say was more complicated? Does living a somewhat unconventional lifestyle complicate things? Does having pre determined roles simplify things?

I wish. Nope, all my relationships have the same issues (in general) and each of them have their own unique quirks to handle. Ds doesn't do anything except allow me to be me. Poly doesn't do anything except allow me to be me.


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RE: generally speaking... - 12/13/2005 9:05:37 PM   
perverseangelic


Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline 		Oh god, they're both complex.

I'd say my kinky relationships have been less so because I've been more compatable with the people invovled, but even they are hard.

I generally have similar issues--I'm very insecure as a person.

Overall, though, since my kinky relationships have been with people I mesh with well, theyv'e been easier.

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RE: generally speaking... - 12/13/2005 9:16:41 PM   
veronicaofML


Posts: 1317
Joined: 11/19/2005
From: from iowa..now in wisconsin
Status: offline 		i suppose..........i should ..NOT...say much here...since i really do not ..have---a---"relationship" with Mistress.

but i WILL say THIS much.....

if having a "relationship" is ANYTHING like vanilla............you can keep it.

i have YET to find 1 single female "I" can trust...in a romantic set up.
EVERY female "I" have EVER met has --destroyed anything i tried to build and i have been left holding-the-bag...EVERY time.

so if that is what ALL females do in this world..........i do not WANT a relationship. THIS is why "I" have been self celebate since oct of 2001.

and this is just-a-statement........

do not take it for anything more than this.

take care





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RE: generally speaking... - 12/13/2005 9:22:57 PM   
Elegant


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Status: offline 		My Vanillish 'trial' marriage of 14 years *grin* was much more complicated. There was less structure, more power struggl, more bickering over trivial things..in general, more stress.

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RE: generally speaking... - 12/13/2005 9:31:32 PM   
obis


Posts: 412
Joined: 9/9/2005
From: Austin, TX, USA
Status: offline 		I'd say my BDSM relationships were more complicated in the sense that they had more factors to consider for everyone's happiness.

But because of that, they were both more fulfilling and easier to maintain, because I could be more natural and the structure allows me to spend time specifically thinking about and focusing on her physical and emotional needs. In vanilla relationships I feel like I'm always balancing things more precariously.

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RE: generally speaking... - 12/13/2005 10:32:57 PM   
snowgirlsub


Posts: 34
Joined: 11/22/2005
Status: offline 		In my opinion, having predetermined roles makes a D/s relationship much less complex and more fulfilling. My D/s relationships tend to be more straightforward and things are just ‘easier’.

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RE: generally speaking... - 12/13/2005 11:22:45 PM   
MsPurrmeow


Posts: 261
Joined: 10/30/2004
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Vanilla is much more complicated. Kinky provides a structure, a form of communication, and a pathway for that communication to happen. It's like an outline, Robert's Rules of Order, or somesuch. In the vanilla world, lies, deceit and secrets are the norm, by far, even when they are unintended. In a solid, kink relationship, there are strict rules against them (in mine) and I actually can trust the other person. I miss trusting a person.

That why I need a kink relaitonship in my life. I know from within myself that the true test of my trust is ALLOWING someone to do things for me. So, in a kink relationship, that is established. I have no vanilla relationships where trust exists on a larger scale. I HAVE had kink relationships where I trusted the person, whether it was justified or not. Therefore, kinky is simpler.


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RE: generally speaking... - 12/13/2005 11:59:18 PM   
Phoenxx


Posts: 253
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Swift Current
Status: offline 		I have to go with the BDSM lifestyle is less complicated.
The poly side hasn't really gone far enough for me to comment on.
I find that when people know what is expected of them, and they are comfortable in thier roles, life is much easier.
Tony

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RE: generally speaking... - 12/13/2005 11:59:31 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
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quote:

for those of you who have had both kinky and vanilla relationships, which would you say was more complicated?


Neither, i dont find relationships complicated at all, not in the general day to day living of them.



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RE: generally speaking... - 12/14/2005 12:04:25 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: foxglove716

for those of you who have had both kinky and vanilla relationships, which would you say was more complicated? Does living a somewhat unconventional lifestyle complicate things? Does having pre determined roles simplify things?


I am of the opinion that all relationships are both complicated and yet simple. It is the people who make things difficult. If you enter a relationship and have been upfront about your “peculiarities” likes and dislikes, what you will and wont do etc, you have gone a long way to keeping things simple and free flowing. If you have a touch of empathy and are willing to listen and allow your partner some latitude (in vanilla relationships) you are miles ahead. The secret is to chose your partner/s carefully and choose wisely.

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RE: generally speaking... - 12/14/2005 3:24:33 AM   
sweetpettjenny


Posts: 674
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline 		My life is easier as a slave, only because im not denying who i am. I find it is harder to date vanilla for me because i ache to serve. Ive been in the lifestyle as property since ive been 19.

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RE: generally speaking... - 12/14/2005 3:44:16 AM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: foxglove716

for those of you who have had both kinky and vanilla relationships, which would you say was more complicated?

Neither, in my experience it depends more on the individual relationship and the people involved. What their lives are like, what's going on in their lives, how things all interconnect.

quote:

Does living a somewhat unconventional lifestyle complicate things?

It can so far as relating to others. There are aspects of my life my relatives don't know about and it takes a little more effort in those areas to manage things. But that's just part of life. On the other hand some aspects of such unconventional relationships simplify things.

quote:

Does having pre determined roles simplify things?

It can and in my experience generally does. But then in my case those roles aren't overly complex compared to some. Generally though I think anytime you add definition about roles, expectations, responsibilities, etc. you will find it tends to simplify things. For example, while it takes a little more forethought and care in keeping some aspects of my life out of view of some of my relatives, the fact that I also tend to be more organized about my relationship and define expectations regarding behavior clearly makes it simpler.

I think overall its just about finding the balance that works for each of us individually. Not everything about my relationship is kinky (what's kinky about going to a movie together, a walk on the beach or going out to dinner?) and the parts that are kinky are things I generally prefer to keep private anyway... so for me it balances out pretty well. Some people like being more public about things, I can see how that would be more complicated. Some have less rigidly defined roles, that can be more complicated. But, we all make our choices according to our needs and desires.

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A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

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RE: generally speaking... - 12/14/2005 5:11:44 AM   
MasterRobert1


Posts: 225
Joined: 7/18/2005
Status: offline 		All relationships are complicated, in one way or another. Kinky relationships just tend to have kinklier complications.

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RE: generally speaking... - 12/14/2005 5:36:51 AM   
imtempting


Posts: 1280
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline 		Are both can be difficult yet at other times run smootly :)

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RE: generally speaking... - 12/14/2005 6:02:45 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsPurrmeow
In the vanilla world, lies, deceit and secrets are the norm, by far, even when they are unintended. In a solid, kink relationship, there are strict rules against them (in mine) and I actually can trust the other person. I miss trusting a person.

I don't see any difference in honesty and keeping secrets in the bdsm world vs the vanilla world. Ds relationships are just as functional and dysfunctional as vanilla ones.

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