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He loves me.... ? - 10/27/2008 1:50:40 PM

SomethingCatchy

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Joined: 7/29/2008
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I met a man here on CM and we quickly became friends. We have lots in common. I finally met him again this weekend after a cancellation on our previous plans. We had lots of (rated) PG fun, but we also cuddled a bit and talked a lot about what we want out of life and such. It was very frustrating

So after a while he told me he loves me. I won't go airing his personal business on the forums but he isn't very worldly when it comes to women, dating, and romance. I don't really want to discuss the folly of him professing he loves me and I have no reason to think he's being dishonest or just plain stupid, and we haven't talked much about it so I'm not entirely sure of what kind of love he's feeling. My question is - things are moving fast, but I have every intention of not letting anything get out of hand. He's a friend, but I've never had someone feel more for me so suddenly and it's got my head reeling. How should I handle this? Does anyone have any advice or have you dealt with something like this?

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RE: He loves me.... ? - 10/27/2008 1:59:40 PM

Lockit

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I believe that people can feel, actually feel loving feelings for someone very early on. I believe these are honest feelings, but... BUT... you cannot think of them as the end all of any situation because they do come early and most often from a place of need. What I have done in the past has allowed for the expression of the need to say or feel or express how one feels in that moment. That doesn't mean that it will be the same a month from now. Everyone needs love to some degree... to love and be loved and I won't take that away from them if for whatever reason, they feel it. I will however temper it or balance it.

I have had agreements with people, to allow for the saying of the words to express what they were feeling with the understanding of where it comes from, which can open a lot of doors of communication and getting to know someone. It has only bitten me once doing this. So I will continue if I see good cause for it.

I come from a place where I can love the person/human... but that doesn't mean... in love. It means I love you as you are and more of an unconditional type of love that I give to most I am close to or know. All else goes from there... into more or not.

I wish you well in this new relationship. I wouldn't see his expression as a red flag at this point, but it could be if it isn't tempered or balanced according to what you each want and need. There is nothing wrong in having needs... we all have them... but sometimes they just need to be adjusted or tempered so they don't take us down roads, best not traveled. Have fun!

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RE: He loves me.... ? - 10/27/2008 2:05:35 PM

SomethingCatchy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

I believe that people can feel, actually feel loving feelings for someone very early on. I believe these are honest feelings, but... BUT... you cannot think of them as the end all of any situation because they do come early and most often from a place of need. What I have done in the past has allowed for the expression of the need to say or feel or express how one feels in that moment. That doesn't mean that it will be the same a month from now. Everyone needs love to some degree... to love and be loved and I won't take that away from them if for whatever reason, they feel it. I will however temper it or balance it.

I have had agreements with people, to allow for the saying of the words to express what they were feeling with the understanding of where it comes from, which can open a lot of doors of communication and getting to know someone. It has only bitten me once doing this. So I will continue if I see good cause for it.

Thank you so much for what you wrote, because it's what was in my head but I couldn't get it out into words. Could you elaborate more on the second paragraph, though? I'm not sure I'm fully wrapping my head around it.

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 3

RE: He loves me.... ? - 10/27/2008 2:07:50 PM

OttersSwim

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Joined: 9/1/2008
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Some people can fall pretty fast - especially if they are inexperienced and all of the sensations are new. Guys can also feel a sort of social pressure to say it early to show that they are not afraid of commitment.

If you believe he is sincere in his expression, then my advice is to take it as that - sincere. It does not mean that you have to immediately reciprocate those feelings and you should consider expressing that to him so he is not left wondering or doing the "OMG, she doesn't love me back thing..."

Communication is key. Hopefully he is sincere and you can move forward with that in your heart as you consider him for a relationship.

2c

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RE: He loves me.... ? - 10/27/2008 2:13:43 PM

LadyHibiscus

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I suspect he really does love you, regardless of how needy he might be.

I agree completely with Lockit, though---love isn't everything, and no assurance of anything, but it is a starting point.

Don't be freaked out, don't be condescending, just say thank you, and let him know if you *might* be on that path or not.

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RE: He loves me.... ? - 10/27/2008 2:19:34 PM

Lockit

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SomethingCatchy, When I lost my um, I was a mother one day and not a mother the next and I was losing my footing on who and what I was. I decided I needed to still express myself as a mother and yet, I couldn't. So I decided to take a big step and go into motherless homes with single father's and help everyone adjust to the changes in their lives. It helped me because I was able to express what I had lost and couldn't and it helped the people I worked with to adjust to what had happened to them. I taught the father's to single parent and relate to the um's in a way they weren't used to and it helped the um's feel loved and mothered, structure the new home dynamic's and before anyone could get too attached, I would go to the next family.

I learned from this that sometimes it isn't who we are... but the place we have in someone's life. Kind of like the first lover someone might take after a break up. You still have a need for those feelings and expression even if you aren't really ready for a relationship. I found that holding all that in was worse than expressing it. So I would allow for saying I love you... calling me MamaDonna or other things that helped people get some of that out. Just because things can't be the way they were, doesn't mean that extra loss has to be manifest to the degree it can be. You just can't let it go too far or you have other problems.

So while it might be okay to say I love you... every person involved must understand where the need comes from... what the real relationship is and not put more into it than is really there or what it should be. If anyone is unclear or unbalanced in it... you walk a tightrope to trouble. But with balance, I have seen it work well for a lot of people. If you want more details, you can email me.

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Post #: 6

RE: He loves me.... ? - 10/27/2008 2:21:20 PM

SomethingCatchy

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I've written him a letter (yes we do snail mail!) and I included a bit about how I wanted him to know that I enjoyed his company and had affection for him, but that I wasn't ready to take that big of a step yet. When he first said it, I was a bit shocked, but told him thank you and gave him a great big hug.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 7

RE: He loves me.... ? - 10/27/2008 2:39:50 PM

AllforFun

Posts: 83
Joined: 4/5/2007
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Wow, you must be the b est thing since sliced bread (thats a play on your avatar lol)

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Post #: 8

RE: He loves me.... ? - 10/27/2008 2:48:56 PM

SomethingCatchy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AllforFun

Wow, you must be the b est thing since sliced bread (thats a play on your avatar lol)

Pish, I invented sliced bread!

(in reply to AllforFun)

Post #: 9

RE: He loves me.... ? - 10/27/2008 5:39:15 PM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy
Pish, I invented sliced bread!

Well since it is election season, Dad and I used to eat sliced bread together all the time.

;-)

From what I hear, this phenomenon has a greater likelihood when a sub has his first opportunity to connect with a domme.

quote:

LadyHibiscus:
Don't be freaked out, don't be condescending, just say thank you, and let him know if you *might* be on that path or not.

I like this advice. In case you generally need more time and space, I think it would help if you told him that in a way where he does not feel rejected (so that he doesn't keep saying it).

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to SomethingCatchy)

Post #: 10

RE: He loves me.... ? - 10/28/2008 5:27:52 AM

SnowRanger

Posts: 503
Joined: 5/25/2008
From: Sinsinnati
Status: offline

Hello SomethingCatchy,

Men, I am told, are not in touch with their emotions. If he is not experienced in the area of romantic relationships, he is under an avalanche (a little SnowRanger lingo) of new feelings an emotions.

He's giving you an honest interpretation of what he feels.

Based on what you've written, you already know this. I do however feel that this is an important distinction when discussing the question of his honesty.

How to proceed? Lady Hibiscus pretty well nailed it. "Thank you." tells him that you appreciate what he said. For the rest, stick to cuddling untill you are sure that he has a better handle on what he really does feel. I say that also applies to your feelings as well.

Respectfully,
Mike
SnowRanger

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Post #: 11

RE: He loves me.... ? - 10/28/2008 7:18:37 AM

cjan

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Joined: 2/21/2008
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I'm a little surprised at posters responses to the OP. To me, this kind of "instant love" is a red flag and is an indication of a needy personality. Just my

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Post #: 12

RE: He loves me.... ? - 10/28/2008 7:53:07 AM

SomethingCatchy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: cjan

I'm a little surprised at posters responses to the OP. To me, this kind of "instant love" is a red flag and is an indication of a needy personality. Just my

I had thought of that and feared it, but I'm pretty confident that, with all my mistakes in my very short life, with all the needy bastards clinging and sucking the life out of me (bitter much?), that I can spot someone who's needy in a bad way a mile off. He's also not professing his undying love to me either, which would seriously creep me out and send me running.

(in reply to cjan)

Post #: 13

RE: He loves me.... ? - 10/28/2008 8:23:25 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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Just take it as a compliment.

Fox told me that he loved me very early in training. I grew to love him over the course of many months. I didn't allow myself to feel pressured and being a good slave in training he never pressured me or expected me to love him back.

He was thrilled when I did.

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RE: He loves me.... ? - 10/28/2008 8:45:20 AM

cjan

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Joined: 2/21/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy

quote:

ORIGINAL: cjan

I'm a little surprised at posters responses to the OP. To me, this kind of "instant love" is a red flag and is an indication of a needy personality. Just my

I had thought of that and feared it, but I'm pretty confident that, with all my mistakes in my very short life, with all the needy bastards clinging and sucking the life out of me (bitter much?), that I can spot someone who's needy in a bad way a mile off. He's also not professing his undying love to me either, which would seriously creep me out and send me running.

Is there a good way to be needy ?

_____________________________

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall ,frozen , dead, from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself."- D.H. L

" When you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks in to you"- Frank Nitti

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Post #: 15

RE: He loves me.... ? - 10/28/2008 9:48:33 AM

SomethingCatchy

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Yes. The good needy is where they really enjoy being around you and want you around as much as possible, want to spend as much time with you as they can, but don't cross the line to being clingy and having fits when you can't spend time with them.

Example - My mother needs my dad to give her compliments, spend time with her, make her feel loved, but if she doesn't get those things, she turns into a holy terror and he ends up being pushed away. She crosses the line.

(in reply to cjan)

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RE: He loves me.... ? - 10/28/2008 10:11:13 AM

stella41b

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From: SW London (UK)
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Not too sure whether this is the Age of Aquarius or rather the Age of Suspicion. I don't really see that much of a problem here.

Since when has being emotionally needy in a friendship been a bad thing? And pray tell me how one is expected to develop some sort of friendship or relationship without having emotional needs?

But there we have all these psychobabble terms such as 'drama' for excessive worry and overreaction, passive aggressive for when someone isn't behaving the way you want them to, and now it would appear that anyone with emotional needs showing at the inappropriate time is deemed suspect. Moot point, but I wonder whether one of the negative effects of the Internet is increasing our suspicion when it comes to other people and finding more ways for discarding a potentially healthy relationship. Maybe this is because we tend to spend less time getting to know people and try to make informed decisions when we don't have all the necessary information. This is also not to mention all those people who prefer to tell porkie pies rather than being honest.

The other thing is that this appears to be a declaration.. 'I love you', three words, spoken, and just like physical attraction and chemistry intentions and declarations are all well and good but they don't make a relationship. It's the interaction between you which makes the relationship.

And what are the odds of both people in the relationship making this declaration at the same time?

Being told you are loved is a wonderful feeling.. But this comes a poor second place to knowing and feeling you are loved by that other person by what they do and how they show you they love you.

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RE: He loves me.... ? - 10/28/2008 10:25:32 AM

cjan

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My question as to whether their is a good way to be needy was a sincere one and I appreciate both Cathy and stella's responses. It's made me think. I suppose that what you both have referred to as healthy neediness, I don't see as needy at all. I don't see expecting one's healthy needs being fulfilled as being needy. I take "neediness" to be clinginess and a need to be fulfilled by someone else in ways that only oneself can accomplish

Nevertheless, again speaking from my own experience, I am extremely wary of instant declarations of love, simply because , in my experience, it takes time to get to know someone and I wonder how someone can love you without really knowing you.

_____________________________

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall ,frozen , dead, from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself."- D.H. L

" When you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks in to you"- Frank Nitti

(in reply to stella41b)

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RE: He loves me.... ? - 10/28/2008 10:48:56 AM

LadyHibiscus

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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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I am a very loving person, and I form very deep attachments. If I love someone, what they give back to me---which might be NOTHING---isn't really an element of it. I've had submissives love me, when I felt "auntie-love" for them and nothing more. I've loved people who didn't care about me at all, and it's been a misery, sometimes, but I didn't go nagging after them, either. So, love /= the bad needy.

Us old folks know that infatuations can masquerade as love, and we don't have adequate words for it. When we're young and/or less experienced, those good emotions just might read as love. Will it develop into something that lasts? Who knows? We're not in that young man's head, and we can't honestly say what's happening there. I do know that it's really important to be kind to those who have feelings for us, and to be honest with them and ourselves.

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RE: He loves me.... ? - 10/28/2008 10:56:35 AM

DavanKael

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People get so wigged out abut the word love and I find it such a shame.
Some people do 'fall in love' rather swiftly.
Others, like me, 'grow to love' at a different pace.
When I say I love someone, I am not placing a set of expectations on that statement but am stating a truism. There may be hopes, but not expectations.
It seems as if you are feeling he may have particular expectations. That, I think warrants self-inquiry as well as a conversation between the two of you.
Best wishes,
Davan

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 20

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