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Is being used by a vanilla the same as being used by a ... - 10/28/2008 8:46:26 AM   
boundinside


Posts: 56
Joined: 6/7/2008
Status: offline 		I have recently been wondering as to whether or not there is a difference in being used by a vanilla person versus a person in the lifestyle.  In my opinion, a vanilla person is more likely to simply try and take advantage of a submissive's kindness...never quite seeing it as submission.  The vanilla is most like to get what they seek then throw you away when they no longer need your help.  But on the other hand, the person in the lifestyle is doing the exact samething, only in my opinion they are far less likely to throw you to the curb once your services are no longer needed.  Is it because of the fact the they are aware of your submission and you make your submissiveness known.  By doing this is it no longer considered taking advantage of someone but more likely considered an act of of submission?  This topic is being based on a broad spectrum.  I would like to know what everyone's opinion is on this
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RE: Is being used by a vanilla the same as being used b... - 10/28/2008 8:56:07 AM   
OttersSwim


Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		I think that if a person is the type who -would- kick you to the curb in such a manner - it would be well to stay away from them vanilla or not...

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RE: Is being used by a vanilla the same as being used b... - 10/28/2008 8:57:28 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		Yup, vanilla people are all evil abusers whereas dominants are all kindly concerned people. That's pretty much how I see it too.

More seriously. Back when my wife and I were vanilla, I think I took a lot of her "service" for granted. But it wasn't because I was a cold sadistic user. It was simply that it flew under both her and my radar. I certainly never had any intention of "throwing her away" any time soon... or ever... The M/s dynamic has now brought all that to the fore and so I'm much more attuned to what she is (and is not) doing for me.

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(in reply to boundinside)
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RE: Is being used by a vanilla the same as being used b... - 10/28/2008 9:12:43 AM   
LadyJulieAnn


Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline 		Unfortunately, I know many people in the lifestyle who have used people simply because they felt they could.  I don't think lifestyle affiliation makes a difference. 

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RE: Is being used by a vanilla the same as being used b... - 10/28/2008 9:16:41 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		The difference between "good" use and "bad" use is the intention behind it, whatever one's orientation.

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RE: Is being used by a vanilla the same as being used b... - 10/28/2008 9:22:09 AM   
twistedreality


Posts: 64
Joined: 5/22/2008
Status: offline 		The bottom line is if someone is using you, it is a power-play. There are many forms of domination. And yes, this is a form of domination. Perhaps the "vanilla" person is not aware of the bdsm world or has some pre-concieved notions or inhibitions that prevent them from admitting or trying to comprehend why they do this.

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RE: Is being used by a vanilla the same as being used b... - 10/28/2008 9:29:50 AM   
bound4more


Posts: 128
Joined: 10/3/2008
Status: offline 		Well I don't know that this lifestyle is any guarantee of not being "thrown to the curb" if you're found no longer useful. Actually quite the opposite, I think, for those whose relationship is M/s or D/s without love. In that situation it's more like the relationship one has with an employer. You perform well and you maintain your position; you don't and you're likely to find yourself looking for a new owner. Love has a way of being more forgiving - at least in my own experience.
 
What I've learned regarding being used is that I am naturally submissive. What that means to me is I will find myself wishing to make everyone happy, doing what they wish. So, yes, that can, and has, set me up to be taken advantage of. Since recognizing my own submissiveness, I am more conscious of my tendancy to be a "people pleaser" and so I've learned to think a bit before responding to a request from anyone other than my Master.  I've learned to say, let me get back to you on that. And I am sure to do so, as it's not my objective to be passive/aggressive, just give myself a bit of time to consider how the request or offer will affect my other obligations and time. Oftentimes I will discuss the situation with my Owner, before providing a definite answer to a vanilla friend. I've found this to be very helpful as well.

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RE: Is being used by a vanilla the same as being used b... - 10/28/2008 9:33:05 AM   
JustDarkness


Posts: 1461
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline 		It would be prejudiced to say we behave better then vanilla when a submissive person offers herself.
And there are enough subs that get used by D's and then are thrown away.

Vanilla's and lifestyle people are both human...therefor  not different

(in reply to bound4more)
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RE: Is being used by a vanilla the same as being used b... - 10/28/2008 9:35:50 AM   
MarcEsadrian


Posts: 852
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: boundinside

I have recently been wondering as to whether or not there is a difference in being used by a vanilla person versus a person in the lifestyle. In my opinion, a vanilla person is more likely to simply try and take advantage of a submissive's kindness...never quite seeing it as submission. The vanilla is most like to get what they seek then throw you away when they no longer need your help. But on the other hand, the person in the lifestyle is doing the exact samething, only in my opinion they are far less likely to throw you to the curb once your services are no longer needed. Is it because of the fact the they are aware of your submission and you make your submissiveness known. By doing this is it no longer considered taking advantage of someone but more likely considered an act of of submission? This topic is being based on a broad spectrum. I would like to know what everyone's opinion is on this


The "vanilla" are people, like the rest of us. It is a mistake to categorize human behavior in the tidy and predictable package of an "us vs. them" label. It's likewise a mistake to assume so-called "submissive" people are all the same. Many who don the guise of submission do it for very traditional ulterior motives, just as much as those who take up the mantle of dominance.

For some the thrill is to use, use and abuse—or to be abused, as the song goes. One could say knowledge of someone's submissive mindset and the inherent qualities therein gives one more power, in fact, and that power can be used to exploit a person far more insidiously. I tend to believe dominance, submission, sadism and masochism—sexual or otherwise—are naturally occurring traits of human nature, and are not suddenly validated by a person's inclusion into the "alternative lifestyle community". For this reason I respectfully suggest the question is moot. After all, what is the BDSM community, anyway? Have you taken a long, sober look at it? If one must abstract human behavior into flavors, I would say much of it is more "vanilla" than many assume—covered in a very thin cherry or chocolate dip.

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RE: Is being used by a vanilla the same as being used b... - 10/28/2008 3:26:26 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: boundinside

I have recently been wondering as to whether or not there is a difference in being used by a vanilla person versus a person in the lifestyle.  In my opinion, a vanilla person is more likely to simply try and take advantage of a submissive's kindness...never quite seeing it as submission.  The vanilla is most like to get what they seek then throw you away when they no longer need your help.  But on the other hand, the person in the lifestyle is doing the exact samething, only in my opinion they are far less likely to throw you to the curb once your services are no longer needed.  Is it because of the fact the they are aware of your submission and you make your submissiveness known.  By doing this is it no longer considered taking advantage of someone but more likely considered an act of of submission?  This topic is being based on a broad spectrum.  I would like to know what everyone's opinion is on this


Not really.  Unkind people are unkind people, just because they are "in the lifestlye" doesn't make it that much less likely to be "used" and kicked to the curb. 

I could agree that if they're the type that truly practices "a" lifestyle of older-philosophy BDSM, they might have the respect for others that would make them more apt to treat s-type people decently.  But to just assume that because someone appears to be part of "the lifestyle", they would never be a user/abuser-type is really not the way to go.

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RE: Is being used by a vanilla the same as being used b... - 10/28/2008 5:28:49 PM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		I suppose you would first have to define `used`. Seems to me on a web site such as this the word used can be both a good thing and a bad thing.
But I'm going to assume you are referring to use in a less then favorable light. I think all to often we read stories from some lifestyle person who feels or felt used. As the answers pour in the usual point is what level of communication had been had. If you read my signature line I think it speaks volumes about communication.
So, I do believe that being used in the bad way is the same no matter if it's Nilla or here.


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RE: Is being used by a vanilla the same as being used b... - 10/28/2008 6:42:35 PM   
LovingDominate66


Posts: 3
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline 		Its a matter of perspective being used is being used no matter the intentions ,and the one preforming which ever is full well knowing what they are doing, some are more considerate to others in the act. But remember no one vanilla or mistress/master is unknowing on using someone.

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RE: Is being used by a vanilla the same as being used b... - 10/28/2008 6:55:12 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5171
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		Lifestylers are no different than any other group of people.  There are users, abusers, liars, and cheaters.  There are also people with kindness, caring, and empathy.  No group....whether vanilla, BDSM, gay, lesbian, hetero, military, fraternal, etc.  has any different distribution of the good people and the bad people....as far as i've ever seen. 

(in reply to boundinside)
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RE: Is being used by a vanilla the same as being used b... - 10/28/2008 7:15:38 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		I've felt used (Arguably, allowed myself to be used) in both vanilla and D/s circumstances; no group has a monopoly on being parasitic.
  Davan

(in reply to peppermint)
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RE: Is being used by a vanilla the same as being used b... - 10/28/2008 9:16:26 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I have seen no evidence that vanillas appreciate and understand giving and receiving service on any different/better level than non-vanillas.  Trust me, I could show you hundreds of threads where a wonderful sub was utterly distressed that their dom didn't understand the service they were providing.

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RE: Is being used by a vanilla the same as being used b... - 10/29/2008 12:01:32 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		A person in the lifestyle, in my opinion, is more likely to see and acknowledge your submission, thereby allowing you to feel more fulfilled. Just my opinion, though.

Master Fire


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RE: Is being used by a vanilla the same as being used b... - 10/29/2008 1:46:10 AM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		I've known many subs who got involved in abusive (or otherwise one-sided) relationships before they realized what submission entails because they were blurrily and unreflectively attracted to "strong" men.  Once they started to gain a better perspective on themselves, the choices they had made in life, and what they need to be happy, they came to realize that they were looking for doms, but were only finding assholes.

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RE: Is being used by a vanilla the same as being used b... - 10/29/2008 8:48:37 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		MasterFireMaam beat Me to it.  While I'm not for a moment going to say that I think there are more users in one group or the other, I am saying that one might be quicker to recognize it as submission, rather than the other.  I don't think that makes being used any different from one group to the next, it's just that one might have a different understanding of the term.

Just because someone is Dominant, rather than vanilla, is no guarantee of not being kicked to the curb.  That has to do more with the quality of the person you are dealing with, rather than their orientation.


< Message edited by LadyPact -- 10/29/2008 8:49:13 AM >

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RE: Is being used by a vanilla the same as being used b... - 10/29/2008 9:27:24 AM   
theobserver


Posts: 456
Joined: 8/18/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: boundinside

I have recently been wondering as to whether or not there is a difference in being used by a vanilla person versus a person in the lifestyle.  In my opinion, a vanilla person is more likely to simply try and take advantage of a submissive's kindness...never quite seeing it as submission.  The vanilla is most like to get what they seek then throw you away when they no longer need your help.  But on the other hand, the person in the lifestyle is doing the exact samething, only in my opinion they are far less likely to throw you to the curb once your services are no longer needed.  Is it because of the fact the they are aware of your submission and you make your submissiveness known.  By doing this is it no longer considered taking advantage of someone but more likely considered an act of of submission?  This topic is being based on a broad spectrum.  I would like to know what everyone's opinion is on this


This is a great question. By no means am I experienced in the lifestyle or have any in depth knowledge on the subject, but I've had my fair share of Vanilla relationships and I've been reading and have talked to a few people about BDSM.

From my observations I think that in both situations a person can be taken advantage of, in a insincere way. To me, it boils down to who the individuals involved in the relationships are.

A shitty person, is a shitty person and BDSM is just a glorified label for them to make excuses for their shitty behavior. From what I've read here and elsewhere a person really wanting to explore the lifestyle and grow from it, respects submissive in his or her submission and understands that it's not given lightly and not meant to be abused or tossed aside at one's convenience.Well ... unless that's your 'thing'.
Can you tell what a novice I am??

(in reply to boundinside)
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