New to the lifestyle - question about orgasms (Full Version)

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darklidreaming -> New to the lifestyle - question about orgasms (10/28/2008 8:40:16 PM)

I've known about BDSM for about three years but just today labeled myself submissive and created my profile and took on the task of finding someone I might click with. (Wish me luck?)

On to my question - I am not a virgin, and the sex I've had before was vanilla sex with a vanilla boyfriend. I've read before that young women often have very difficult times orgasming, if they can at all, and since I've been sexually active I haven't had an orgasm with my partner. I have achieved one by self masturbation, but it's tricky and it has to be just right, so I haven't had one through having him masturbate me. (Boy, this is personal, isn't it?) My question is that I see a lot of Dominant people enjoy orgasm control. I've also read, heard, and talked to friends about orgasms, and the general idea was that orgasms are great during sex, and that it's preferable that a man can get a woman there and hold her back. What do you do if the woman is incapable of having an orgasm? I have an older female friend in her 30's who's told me she just recently started orgasming during sex.

As a Dominant, how does the lack of orgasm in your partner affect you? I've never really cared about not "getting mine" and can go for months without masturbating, but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy sex. How do you deal with a non-orgasm-driven girl if you enjoy orgasm control?

I appologize for kind of being all over the map.

(edited to fix subject which was rather ambiguous when compared to questions)



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: New to the lifestyle - question about orgasms (10/28/2008 9:26:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: darklidreaming
What do you do if the woman is incapable of having an orgasm?

Ignore the parlor tricks of others and enjoy what you are together.

quote:

As a Dominant, how does the lack of orgasm in your partner affect you?

It's something we take notice of and explore, but it is meaningless in terms of our closeness, intimacy and enjoyment of sex.

quote:

How do you deal with a non-orgasm-driven girl if you enjoy orgasm control?

Sensitively, happily.

It's a rare man who honestly can simply accept difficult orgasms in a woman- to not see it as a mountain to conquer or trick to train- but they do exist.  I found a few.



DavanKael -> RE: New to the lifestyle - question about orgasms (10/28/2008 9:35:03 PM)

Welcome, darklidreaming----
Good wishes for that which you seek! 
I identify as a switch, so you're not getting a strictly Dominant perspective here. 
I haven't looked at your profile, so am not sure of your age but you alluded to a frien in their 30's as if they are older, so I am guessing you are in your 20's. It took me a long time to get the hang of things with getting myself off (Didn't masturbate for the first time until after I was married) and my ex- was only willing to do certain things with certain time constraints and that sometimes proved challenging for getting off during sex.  I'd definitely recommend acquainting yourself with your anatomy as well as possible (not just clitoral focus but labial, g-spot, the rest of your body) and figure out what feels good and helps to get you there.  Also, toys are your friends.  A lot of use can de-sensitize but try a toy or several and see if that helps with you getting off.  You can use toys alone or with a partner. 
I'm not always focused on getting off either when I am with a partner; generally, their pleasure gives me great pleasure unto itself.  Now, sometimes, I absolutely want to cum.  It varies.
But, what I'm saying is that you can workon teaching yourself to cum more-so and if you find someone who enjoys orgasm-control (Are you wanting that?), it will be easier to indulge.  Also, you'll have greater understanding of your own body regardless. Plus, when you find that fabulouspartner you seek, you and they will hopefully come up with lots of fun things to do within the context of your relationship. 
Best wishes, 
  Davan



darklidreaming -> RE: New to the lifestyle - question about orgasms (10/28/2008 9:35:27 PM)

I found that they're rare, too. My vanilla partner was the only one who didn't see it as some sort of failure on his part and become defensive towards me. Talk about performance anxiety when all you hear is "Are you coming? Why aren't you coming? Have you come yet? What's wrong, don't I turn you on?"



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: New to the lifestyle - question about orgasms (10/28/2008 9:39:18 PM)

I know, and it doesn't help whether they just want a medal to wear or are sincerely wanting to make you happy- it's still pressure and still undesireable.



DavanKael -> RE: New to the lifestyle - question about orgasms (10/28/2008 9:41:41 PM)

Same thing for women as for men: pressure doesn't help with 'getting there'. 



Racquelle -> RE: New to the lifestyle - question about orgasms (10/28/2008 10:00:27 PM)

There are a couple of issues here.

1. Orgasm control/denial is mostly used on men.  It just doesn't work as well with the complexity of female arousal.  I shant say it's not done with women, but just not as much and not in the same way.
2. Anorgasmia is a concern.  I don't mean the "it could mean you have cancer" kind of concern, but more the "missing out on something incredible" kind.  Aside from how you choose to pursue your kinks, you may very much enjoy learning more about how your body works and what gets you to that summit best.  Don't just shrug and accept it as your lot in life.  You'll miss a lot of joy that way.  There's tons of resources out there to help you.  Books on Amazon and countless websites.  Don't give up.
3. Accept that the lovers in your life want you to enjoy sex as much as they do.  If you have a lover interested in ensuring you come, use that to your advantage.  Let that person help you learn more about your body, and more about what works and doesn't work.  Crummy lovers who can think of nothing more than stick-it-in and pump should not expect their partners to be orgasmic, and you don't want to be pressured by someone like that - it would be maddening.  But you may just find someone who is patient and creative and really opens your eyes. 



antipode -> RE: New to the lifestyle - question about orgasms (10/28/2008 10:12:55 PM)

I concur with Raquelle - patient and creative, try different things, different toys. But I would add (having helped a sub learning to orgasm) that you have to stop trying. It can be as easy as putting it out of your mind, and just enjoying the sex. Over time, your own pressure to want to orgasm will make it harder and harder.

Last but not least (but this may not at all apply to you) I've had a sub who insisted she was submissive, but in fact was a controller, without being aware of it. Once I got her to understand her attempts at controlling her playtime and her sex were what stopped her from coming - she couldn't temporarily let someone else have control, couldn't "hand off" - she bucked right out of the straps. [8D]



darklidreaming -> RE: New to the lifestyle - question about orgasms (10/28/2008 10:22:10 PM)

You know, I did a search on anorgasmia and read the wiki article.

Sociocultural inhibitions that interfere with normal sexual response.
A lack of opportunity to practice in a safe, secure, socially acceptable, and a private atmosphere (only two partaking) in a situation that offers approval and support.

These two sound a lot like things I'm aware of that I've gone through. Maybe therapy with a very understanding doctor would help. It's something to check into, at least.



DavanKael -> RE: New to the lifestyle - question about orgasms (10/28/2008 10:28:14 PM)

You may be over-pathologizing yourself to jump right to therapy on the presumption of anorgasmia.  You've gotten off before; thus, you are capable of it and you can do it again, you can learn to do it more often and with greater ease.  Therapy is great but give some different things a whirl, get some toys, relax.  :> 
  Davan



darklidreaming -> RE: New to the lifestyle - question about orgasms (10/28/2008 10:29:45 PM)

To clarify, I completely enjoy sex and could care less if I orgasm or not because it's still mind numbing and toe curling if I'm with someone who turns me on. (I'm not a one night stand girl). However, when I'm NOT having sex, I think "You know, it'd be nice if I would. I bet that'd feel even better."

You do make a good point, antipode, about control maybe being an issue. I never thought about that, but I currently don't have anyone to practice that idea out on [:(]



darklidreaming -> RE: New to the lifestyle - question about orgasms (10/28/2008 10:37:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

You may be over-pathologizing yourself to jump right to therapy on the presumption of anorgasmia.  You've gotten off before; thus, you are capable of it and you can do it again, you can learn to do it more often and with greater ease.  Therapy is great but give some different things a whirl, get some toys, relax.  :> 
Davan


"Sociocultural inhibitions that interfere with normal sexual response." It really hit home, because of how I grew up and how my mother views sex. Maybe other things will help, but since my health care is free, why not take advantage of it [:D]



antipode -> RE: New to the lifestyle - question about orgasms (10/28/2008 11:33:58 PM)

And you did mention that you'd achieve orgasm through masturbation - it may be that your partner(s) weren't very adept at handling female erogenous zones. That is a skill that has to be learned, and lotsa guys don't take the time and don't have the interest. And yes, if you do orgasm through masturbation, you are obviously in control. Women controlling their environment is a cultural trait, in the United States, it is much less pronounced in other cultures.

I do agree with Davankael that since you've had an orgasm, you're not likely to be anorgasmic - that word sounds like it's a question looking for an answer, anyway *smile*. Be careful with the medical Wikis, there are no scientific controls, anybody can write anything.

Therapy is obviously fine, but you're still going to have to achieve this yourself. Another thing to check is if you're on medication, what side effects that may have. It is another common cause. And before you hit the therapist, check with your primary care provider. He or she will have a broader look, and there may be a ridiculously simple solution. A therapist will have an incentive to keep you coming back, something a PCP doesn't need, generally.



antipode -> RE: New to the lifestyle - question about orgasms (10/28/2008 11:37:04 PM)

There is a gentleman who says he is an M.D. in the "Dominants who desire anal" thread, by the way. Since he has made himself known, I guess you could ask him for his view.



BRNaughtyAngel -> RE: New to the lifestyle - question about orgasms (10/29/2008 5:31:00 AM)

You are not alone sugar.  I am in my 40s, love sex, have no hangups about it that I'm consciously aware of, and have never had an orgasm other than through self masturbation.

My Master/boyfriend/lover/partner was kind of sad that He couldn't get me off, but it doesn't stop us from trying.  There is no pressure from Him.  And He isn't into orgasm control or anything of that nature.  We both would love for me to be able to orgasm under His hand (so to speak) or during sex, but we don't spend all of our time focusing on that as it would take away from the enjoyment of it, and make it feel like we were focusing on the destination, rather than enjoying the ride.

Best of luck to you!



lusciouslips19 -> RE: New to the lifestyle - question about orgasms (10/29/2008 5:37:50 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: darklidreaming

I found that they're rare, too. My vanilla partner was the only one who didn't see it as some sort of failure on his part and become defensive towards me. Talk about performance anxiety when all you hear is "Are you coming? Why aren't you coming? Have you come yet? What's wrong, don't I turn you on?"


I have on occasion wanted my Dominant to "just cum already". I refrain as these statements really wreck the mood and will not enhance or inspire orgasm!



MsThornRose -> RE: New to the lifestyle - question about orgasms (10/29/2008 5:54:13 AM)

I dont often post a reply on the boards but had to, having read this thread.  Dont worry about it, thats my first comment to you. [:)]

I am now in my 50s and know how diffecult it is when you dont orgasam during sex.  However, I would agree with antipode that its something most young men know nothing about. They fumble about, and are so concerned with their own orgasam that you are second in their minds.   Age is a great thing in men!  It gives them wisdom to know how to manipulate a womans clit, and patience when it takes that bit longer.

I love my Hitachi Magic Wand Massager, its great to give orgasams to a woman and its good fun to use on a male too!!

I am a Domme, and my sub loves using it on me and I enjoy teasing him with it. lol

MsThornRose.



Rover -> RE: New to the lifestyle - question about orgasms (10/29/2008 6:13:51 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I know, and it doesn't help whether they just want a medal to wear or are sincerely wanting to make you happy- it's still pressure and still undesireable.


I don't pretend to have "the answer" here... just offering up something for consideration. 
 
I had a girl who had great difficulty achieving orgasm as well.  And at first I just let it pass without notice, but gradually I fell into the "sincerely wanting to make you happy" category... or at least to share the happiness.  After a little experimentation, I found a few things that helped.
 
First, I just decided that since she wasn't achieving orgasm, I'd play up the "use" aspect of sex with her.  Since there was no "happy ending" for her, I figured I'd reinforce that as the objective (rather than orgasm as the objective).  Simply because I thought we would both enjoy the cards that were dealt.
 
Funny thing is, she found that pretty hot and we both noticed that she was getting close with regularity, and "it" even happend a time or two.  Wanting to reinforce the "use" angle, I began commanding her *not* to have an orgasm.  Well, I don't know the dynamics involved... maybe it's human nature to want to do what you're told not to do... maybe being told not to do it takes the pressure off... I simply don't know.  But I do know that she began to orgasm often, which was quite an "improvement" if that's how you want to measure it.
 
Maybe helpful, maybe not.
 
John



SimplyMichael -> RE: New to the lifestyle - question about orgasms (10/29/2008 6:38:55 AM)

I have been with a few women who had difficulty orgasiming, one in her 30's who had never had an orgasm with a guy.  First off, talent does help but far more important, as many posters have said, is to just relax and enjoy sex.  However, it would help if you could figure out if it is a physical issue (which it sounds less like) and you just are less sensative or simply require longer stimulation.  If that is the case, someone is going to have to spend some time doing a bit of oral work to get you there.  However, since you state you prefer your sex inside a relationship, that should be a nice bonding thing.  Just make sure to balance the "no pressure" with "it is going to take a bit of focused effort" so that the effort is seen/felt as loving without any pressure to actually come AND that your partner doesn't feel any pressure to get you there.

Now, if it is psychological as Rover's hot statement pointed out, there ARE ways around it (and of course combining the above and this is even better) then playing with that as a lovemaking technique can be very effective. 

Oh and Rover, that was a GREAT example of a D/s skill [sm=biggrin.gif]



Rover -> RE: New to the lifestyle - question about orgasms (10/29/2008 7:01:19 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Oh and Rover, that was a GREAT example of a D/s skill [sm=biggrin.gif]


Actually, it's a great example of a skill I already possessed applied in a power exchange setting.  I had learned how to take control, manipulate (as a benevolent despot, of course), find creative solutions to problems, and think quickly on my feet (or other appendages) long before I had discovered BDSM.  :)
 
John



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